Agree to joint custody now and fight later if need be?

[tstesen]

I just got served with divorce papers from my ex. See previous thread about divorce Seeking advice from the divorced.

I knew the papers were coming but I didn't expect one aspect of the complaint. He is asking the court for joint custody.

Here is my dilemma. I have two roads I could take and am unsure of which to choose. I would appreaciate your feedback.

The first route would be to just agree to the divorce as is. This will expedite the divorce and get me out of this marriage of seven years. We haven't been together since 2004 and I tried to divorce him once before but he didn't cooperate. Basically I'm tempted to just get this over with so I can move on with my life already.

We live in two separate states very far from each other - I'm in CO he's in MD. He hasn't been in his sons life since 2004 so I don't know that he's going to want to see his son I think he just likes that fact that he can say I have "joint" custody.

I figure if need be down the road I could always fight it and I'd most likely win on the grounds that I've been the sole provider and caregiver for our child since 2004. My ex was also arrested 6 times within a few months on DUI, driving without a license and drug charges so I HIGHLY doubt the court would give him custody if he tried to enforce it. It's not in the best interest of the child right? He has also failed to pay court ordered child support or to provide health coverage as was court ordered.

I'm not against him having visitation which he has also asked for in the divorce but it would have to be on my terms. I'm not going to ship my child off to a man that hasn't so much as said boo to him in several years.

My second option is to contest that part of the divorce in my response to the papers I was served. While this would be the most logical option I fear that it could cause this divorce to drag on and on and I just want out.

What would you do?

Because I am self employed and the sole provider of my children I cannot really afford to hire a lawyer at this time. I wasted a lot of time and money going down this route once before when I filed for divorce against him unsuccessfully.

I'd like to get my response in the mail ASAP so I can get this thing rolling. I would appreciate any and all responses.

[LordSappington]

There are different types of joint custody. What kind is it?

Types of Child Custody

[tstesen]

Originally Posted by LordSappington

There are different types of joint custody. What kind is it?

I believe its just regular joint custody.

The paperwork reads

It is in the best interest of the child(ren) that I (referring to my ex) have
Joint is checked (sole physical custody is not checked)
Visitation with is checked

[tstesen]

I just phoned my ex and asked him about this joint custody deal. I asked him what he's expecting out of joint custody. He said nothing more than we have going right now.

He said he'd like to be able to visit his son which is fine by me. He acknowledged the fact that he couldn't get sole custody even if he wanted because of his legal past as well as the child support arrears. He also said "Don't take this the wrong way but I don't want him to live with me. I don't have room for him."

So that put a lot of my fears to rest. I told him I didn't want him popping up and asking that our son live with him 6 months out of the year or something like that.

I'm leaning more towards just signing the papers as is.

I also called my best friend of 14 years and asked her what she thought. She said to just sign them. She knows I've been waiting for this day FOREVER.

[Jose]

Can you sign them with a stipulation of what you two discussed?

I would say make sure everything is in writing somewhere. Even though he might not be a fit enough parent to even have joint custody, you can avoid problems in the future by simply having a small blurb somewhere clarifying what "joint custody" means in this case.

And good riddance!!

[JSB]

Do not sign as is! It will be much harder to fight joint custody after you have agreed to it, as a precedent will already be set.

Get sole custody with visitation rights for him, so he can see his son, but don't let him have equal say in raising your son if he hasn't been involved in the boy's life or paid any child support.

[Honeywith4bees]

I'm in a little bit of the same situation, though already divorced. I have sole physical custody of my kids, but joint legal custody. We also have the terms of the visitation set in the divorce order (though it can be changed later.) It is advisable for you to maintain sole physical custody and have it spelled out in your documents if and when he will be allowed visitation. I have spoken to a lawyer just recently about changing our court order and the lawyer said that judges wan't to see something specific happen before they will make a change later. So for instance, if it is not spelled out now when he can visit, he could demand a six month visitation three years from now. When you then go back to court to fight the visitation, the judge will want to know what has happened in those last three years to change your mind about your original agreement. If your ex has been clean and out of trouble, then you don't have a leg to stand on. My ex also didn't pay his court ordered support and the lawyer said that that wouldn't impact visitation.

However, all that being said, perhaps the law is upheld differently where you live.

Good luck!

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

I'm with the others who advise not signing this incarnation of the document. It will leave you without much legal recourse in the event he suddenly changes his mind and wants to take your son for the full extent of what's allowed with joint custody.

I think it would be wiser to have it spelled out now rather than hope you can change it later if something happens.

I am sure it's not easy and I know you just want it to be over. But, I wouldn't sign anything that could possibly change the course of my child's life unless I agreed with every word as is.

Note: I do not have children so feel free to disregard.

[jacki]

how old are the children involved?

my parents are finalizing their divorce.. im 18, my sis 15. what they did is asked us who we wantedto live with. my parents have the advantage of living only for blocks apart. but even if the kid wants to live one parent and viset the other.. you can do thingslike pick holidays, or school days off to to viset the other parent. i cant offer any leagle advise,but i give this advise as a child of a divorce.

hope things go well,
jacki

[Jim11]

I agree with the above. Do no sign something that says joint custody if that isn't your intention.

I have a child that is 50/50, and our agreement says joint custody & 50/50 residency. You want something completely different.... and that's visitation rights, as stated above. I don't know how exactly they word that there, but joint custody definitely isn't a good stand alone term for your situation.

[magi13]

sometimes even though we give good advice, but things such as important as these.

^,^ there are some issues or things a lawyer can make clear that we the forumers can't. Anyway this is probably my best advice on the matter. Good luck

[Zwynd]

Originally Posted by Jose

Can you sign them with a stipulation of what you two discussed?

I would say make sure everything is in writing somewhere. Even though he might not be a fit enough parent to even have joint custody, you can avoid problems in the future by simply having a small blurb somewhere clarifying what "joint custody" means in this case.

And good riddance!!

I second this. Have it in writing EXACTLY as promised, and signed by both, with witnesses on both ends. The last thing you want is for him to turn around and take the kids 'just cause'. It doesn't matter the gender but sometimes the 'other' parent will do silly things like take kids a couple years later to get back at the other, to use them in points for dating, and to screw with the kid's minds.

Imo, I'd fight it completely. A couple years of legal stuff is well worth possibly 10 more years of complications. Not to mention, him being out of state means he may decide to take the kids for a couple months rather than a weekend visit because driving so frequently is 'wasting' his money.

Get everything in writing. In triplicate. Put the original copy or at least a back-up in two safe locations (a friend and a bank box.)

If he wavers on ANYTHING, get that in writing too (police report, etc) so that you can use it along with the papers you already have to back you up.

[tstesen]

Originally Posted by jacki

how old are the children involved?

The child we have together is 8 so he's not really old enough to make a decision like that. And honestly given his father's past even if he wanted to live with him it wouldn't be in his (our child's) best interest in my opinion. His father is not really stable which is one of the reasons I left him in the first place.

[tstesen]

Thanks for all of your responses. After some soul searching and talking to a lot of friends and family I decided to sign the divorce papers as is.

There are a lot of things I was worried about including my ex trying to take half of my business in our divorce which he didn't so I wanted to get the divorce out of the way to protect my assets mostly. After all this is how I afford to care for my children. I also made more money then he did in our marriage and because of how things were between us I was worried he may try and get me for alimony as well. We've been married for 7 years now in February.

I honestly don't think he will fight me for custody in the future but if he does I'll be prepared to fight him when and if that happens. He has a lot of strikes against him including not paying court ordered child support, abandoning his son for years, tax evasion, multiple drug arrests, etc. so there is no way a court would grant him that if he fought for it. He knows that by his own omission so I'll cross that bridge if I have to.

I on the other hand have never been in trouble with the law, dutifully pay my taxes and have been the sole caregiver and provider for our child. I'm financially stable, have a nice home and am generally a more fit parent than my ex.

Our son was also recently diagnosed with dyslexia and dysgraphia and I'm going through extensive training with his school now to be the one who works with him to overcome these obstacles. So in short I am the most committed parent here, I don't think my ex would want to have to deal with what I have to deal with on a daily basis.

Again thank you all for your advice and thoughts. They are greatly appreciated. Hopefully in a few weeks I'll be a single gal again and can FINALLY move forward with my life.

[Zwynd]

I'm glad you made a decision which you feel works for you, tstesen. One last thing I'd like to add about your son is make sure you're not the only one who is qualified to take care of him (concerning his issues.)

If you become ill or anything else happens to you the courts could just as easily hand your son over to his father rather than someone nearby if those people are not trained to take care of him due to "medical reasons for which only a very close family member can attend to" or some bullcrap.

So basically, make sure in his hospital/school and other records that he has a definite caretaker [who has been approved by you] in the event you are unable to watch over him for a long period of time.

Much luck to you and your son.