Recovering from harm I caused to other people

[francstoic]

I've recently been doing a lot of journaling about where I've been and what I've done.

I recently had a sort of breakdown when I recalled me being a very jealous, violent, and darkworker type of person in high school. Not only for academics, though... I even caused my really close and loyal friends a lot of harm back in those days (I remember stealing everything from notes to an mp3 player from them that I'd eventually simply dump somewhere else after using for some time). I even forced my first ever girlfriend to have sex with me on several occasions (by playing with her emotions) even when she was quite unwilling (and she had shown a lot of hesitation but she was quite loyal to me so she gave in).

How can I get over this? I have completely lost contact with those people since about 5 years, because I simply decided to get out of that situation and I moved to another country. I have no way of talking to them now. I have called up 3 of my closest friends back then and they just told me that that "chapter" of life is past now and don't wish to maintain any contact with me now.

How do I apologise to them? How do I heal that inner wound within myself that cries out daily asking me to apologise to them?

I would really love your thoughts on this.

[soapbox011]

I feel for you... I too struggle at times with my past actions...

Sometimes you can't change the past. Usually time can cure things, but not always. This is tough for people to understand, especially in our fast paced and to-the-point lifestyle.

All you can do is accept your mistakes for what they were... cruel and selfish patterns. You have to accept that you made these mistakes. You also have to acknowledge that the person that committed such horrible things isn't you anymore... you are different now, and you have changed over the last 5 years and you can never see yourself stealing or taking advantage of people again. Once you have accepted that you have changed and that you are better than what you were, you have achieved personal growth in the right direction.

Call your old friends and ask for their forgiveness. If they don't accept that is fine too... they have the right to do whatever they wish. But in the same time don't get depressed because of it because you did whatever you could have done.

As long as you know now that 'other guy' is gone and that you tried your best to mend relationships and have accepted your mistakes... you should not feel guilty anymore, and rather work harder on what you want in the present and the future.

Good luck buddy.

[ns123]

you can send the people you wronged a card or a short letter explaining the act, acknowledging that it was wrong, and asking for forgiveness. Then you can forgive yourself.

Make the card or letter short, to the point, but genuine. like:

Dear Marge,

Back in high school, I stole your notes in geometry class. This was wrong of me, and I realize now that my past actions have hurt others. I wanted to let you know that I have moved on from this type of behavior and that I am very sorry I did this.

Please accept my apologies.
John Smith

Then include your contact information and work on forgiving yourself.

Good on you for recognizing and taking responsibility for your actions, past and present. It shows that you are moving toward becoming your best self. I want to applaud you for that.

[ns123]

oh, sorry, I didn't address the ones you can't contact. You can write the letter and then throw it away.

Basically, the act of sending out the thought of taking responsibility, asking forgiveness (from yourself), and sending out love will make you feel better. Also, focus on what you've learned and feel gratitude for the lesson you have learned.

[TektonikShift]

I am also feeling in a very similar situation these days, although I believe that most of the harm I caused was due to my bad health.

Just wanted to say that I, for instance, wouldn't feel entirely good to "move on" without the other persons' forgiveness or at least understandng.

It would still make me feel like a wrongdoer deep inside, and somehow (from a moral perspective) prevent me from enjoying life.

To give you an extreme example of what I mean (though it never really happened):
I am driving a car and my friends keep making noise all the time. I am distracted and thereby kill two people in an accident. I feel guilty about my mistake and the fact that I also negatively affected the lives of the relatives of those whom I mistakenly killed.
As long as the relatives keep criticising me I won't be able to fully enjoy a night outside with my friends.