Breaking up with my girlfriend! Please help me out!

[frntk]

I would appreciate if you could give me some help in this situation.

I've been with my girlfriend for 18 months. I've been interested in personal development for a few years now and really love the idea of growing as a person. As a consequence of this, the "improve your self" has been a common theme in my relationship with my girlfriend.

When I met her, I really liked her and enjoyed her company. We hang out together in college and get to know each other. I learned that she had been holding back her life (at least that seemed like to me) because of fear. I tried to help her in the best way I could, and we became closer.

Eventually, we were "officially" a couple. From the start we had some troubles because our relationship was not approved by her mother. At 2 months she was willing to give up because her mom was pushing her to do so. We talked about it and I let her know that I had faith in her and that she could stay with me and we would work it out together. We stayed together.

However, this "not mom-approved" situation continued. To a lesser degree, but it continued. We had our share of discussions because of this. Sometimes we could not do whatever we wanted because her mom won't let her. I should note that we are both 23 now, but here in my country things usually work that way.

Somehow, we managed to get to 18 months together, but I'm very frustrated and unfulfilled with this relationship. So I talked to her about this, and this is where it gets worse.

Last night we talked about this, I explained to her how I felt and that I was considering breaking up, but I wasn't sure. It was a crisis. She told me that she believes that all this is her fault and that she always makes mistakes and ruins what she loves. She started to get very negative and even talked about her life having no more meaning at all.

My intention when I talked to her was to share my feelings, but now I feel guilty. I think now it was a mistake to tell her I was considering breaking up. It felt like I was making it all unnecessarily painful for her.

I don't know what to do now. I have many fears about this. Any comment you could make will help me clear my mind.

Thanks a lot.

[ns123]

I once had to break up with a guy who thought I was his whole world. But it was not a good fit for me, nor was it for him. It was not a LLTMBR - as Angela has called it.

I felt tremendous guilt over it, he wanted to kill himself, his life had no meaning, I was the best thing, how could I take myself away? And I felt really awful. I still feel bad - for him, because even now, 11 years later, he is not a happy person.

But you know what? It was the best thing I ever did. He's may not be a happy person, but I am. His happiness was not my job. His happiness is his to seek. Not mine to give.

So what I would like to tell you: Her happiness is not your job. It is hers. You are doing her a disservice if you stay with her out of guilt. And ruining your life to boot.

Walk away with love. It's just not a good fit right now. No one is broken or damage. You guys just are not right for each other, doesn't mean you will never be right for anyone else. Tell her that. Then let her go with love.

[frntk]

Thanks ns123 for your reply.

I understand what you say, intellectually. However, In my heart is hard to let her go, specially because I know that she wants to be a better person - and that I could help her. Of course, no amount of help will do any good to her if she doesn't take the decisions...

Today, during the whole day, I've been having this thought: "I'm being selfish by not being more supportive and understanding. Maybe my approach wasn't good enough when I tried to help her... maybe I should be willing to accept that she's not ready for some of the things she wants to do, and stay with her to help her."

Again, intellectually I understand that I have no obligation to help her. But it's so hard to me now to gather the strength necessary to act against "my heart".

Now... what does LLTMBR mean?

[seeker5]

Originally Posted by frntk

Now... what does LLTMBR mean?

Loving Long-Term Mutual Beneficial Relationship.

[ns123]

frntk, you cannot help her. She must help herself. You cannot save her. You cannot save some one who doesn't realize they are drowning. And you cannot save a drowning person who is screaming and kicking and dragging you down with her into the water.

Are you willing to commit to saving her, even if she refuses to save herself? This is not a situation I would ever put myself in again, as I have done so before, to my almost ultimate ruin. I almost ruined my life, and I didn't help him either, and he is still miserable to this day.

I'm not saying you cannot help her or support her. I'm just saying that for me in my situation, it was go to hell with him and risk burning, or letting go. Because he was determined to stay in hell. I'm glad I let go.

Some times, you just have to accept people as they are and as they are not. If they will not save themselves, there is nothing you can do.

That said, you can still be her friend, just not her boyfriend, and still support her and help her.

[Lauxa]

Some people will disagree with me and that's fine, but I believe that you don't just marry a person, you marry into a family, and if the relationship is not mom-approved you are setting yourself up for trouble down the road.

You should help someone for as long as you want to help and can do so with an open and loving heart. When you start harboring frustration and resentment about the helping, it is time to let go. The opposite of guilt is gratitude, so see if you can find all the good things and lessons learned to be grateful for from this relationship.

[funchy]

Originally Posted by Lauxa

I believe that you don't just marry a person, you marry into a family, and if the relationship is not mom-approved you are setting yourself up for trouble down the road.

I agree as well.


If you're not fulfilled, why stay in this relationship? You're young, and there are many fish in the sea.

[Alexjstrandberg]

Telling her that you are considering breaking up is a good thing. It gives her a chance to change her behavior in order to salvage the relationship.

The behavior that needs to change is her not standing up to her mom. Unless her mom can legally kill her daughter for back talk there should be no reason she should put up with her mom.

She's letting another person disrespect the person she loves and lets her mom control her actions. For me, that's grounds to break up with a girl (seems like you are leaning towards that).

Her not standing up to her mom is partially her fault and yours (unless you never voiced your issues with it before). You should have told her that you won't be in a relationship with someone who lets a parent call the shots and disrespect you. I would have given her a choice: stand up to your mom and respect our relationship or we will part ways

[RT Wolf]

Occasionally, overprotective mothers will use emotional blackmail to exert power over others, especially their kids, and sometimes those kids learn those techniques and then use them against others.

So, while its possible that she's made you the center of her life, become dependant and can't handle the thought of you leaving (which has, again, nothing to do with you specifically, any other person in your situation would probably arouse the same reaction), it is also possible she is using that as an unconscious ploy to keep you around. Consider carefully. The way to tell if its a "Games That People Play" (good book) is if you say you're leaving anyway and she reacts with anger. This is a high risk test, though, so you might wanna just think about it otherwise.