I'm lonely

[sbdiane]

I'm lonely. I don't really fit in to normal life. I'm a weirdo. A genuine misfit. I'm this close to moving to a cave in the desert. Ok. Not really that close, but I swear it sounds appealing just because I have little interest in the normal work-spend-debt pattern of normal life. I don't even have kids and never will, and believe me, a woman without kids is a misfit indeed.

I would like to have someone to talk to. A therapist seems like someone who would want to change me or fix me and I don't think I'm broken, although feeling so isolated I suppose I could become depressed. I don't know if there are even therapists who can understand someone who doesn't fit in to normal society.

Is there someone who is not quite a therapist who would talk to me? What kind of person would that be? I feel like I need help figuring out where to go next in my life. Without a model to follow, I'm kind of at a loss forging my own path. I'm not sure what my path is, but it's definitely off the beaten track. Some kind of "life coach" rah rah rah success success success money money money person is definitely the wrong person for me.

[Dimond]

Sbdiane, sent you a PM.

[LordSappington]

A therapist shouldn't be there to fix you. You go to a therapist because you have a problem and *you* want to fix it. In theory, the therapist should guide you towards resolution of the problem. Sometimes, this involves exposing some false thoughts you may have about yourself and the world, but if you're going to have someone challenge your world view, you should do it in a safe and welcoming environment. For example, I would challenge two beliefs you state in your post. Firstly, that life is all about work-spend-debt (tell that to poorly paid social workers, teachers, artists, etc). I also don't think that a woman without children is a misfit.

[sbdiane]

Maybe a woman without children is not a misfit, but most women my age have them and are either in the work world or at home with their kids. I'm kind of in neither place, so I'm pretty lonely. I'm a misfit because of other things besides that.

I would like to talk in person with someone. I feel like I go through my day without speaking sometimes. I go to my job. I can walk in there, do my job, and walk out without saying a word. I have another job that is more social, but the only other English speaking person there seems to avoid me. My boyfriend works almost all the time. I play music in two jam sessions, but I show up, play the music and go home. I don't even know most people's names even though I've been going to these jams for a long time. Many musicians are social misfits, I guess. You'd have to be to want to lock yourself in a basement and play the same tune over and over again a million times.

Anyway, maybe I could join something where people talk to each other. But what?

[Rockchick26]

Wow this post could have been written by me! I can totally relate,in fact the last 2 days i have seriously thought about just taking off and leaving my life behind and not telling anywhere where i am going (i wouldnt even want to know). I want a deserted island

If you want someone to talk to who understands,you can PM me anytime! I am also a single female with no kids.

[Dimond]

Originally Posted by Rockchick26

I am also a single female with no kids.

Me too. We should start a club. Or maybe a thread.

Hope my ideas helped some, sbdiane.

[Rockchick26]

Originally Posted by Dimond

Me too. We should start a club. Or maybe a thread.

Hope my ideas helped some, sbdiane.

Yeah i dont think people realize how left out childless women feel,especially ones in their 30's or older. They say to us "oh its ok,we arent judging you" but they could be just saying that,and they dont know how it FEELS. I dont have a husband or a boyfriend either so,i'm really alone. But i feel smothered by my family which makes me feel like a misfit even more cuz,well,thats another whole story

[LordSappington]

Originally Posted by sbdiane

I play music in two jam sessions, but I show up, play the music and go home. I don't even know most people's names even though I've been going to these jams for a long time.

That is the perfect place to meet new people. Strike up a conversation. Make it a goal to meet everywhere there by X number of weeks. Get their phone numbers. Hang out.

[spookie149]

Right here is a good place! I enjoy coming on here and listening to everyone! Perhaps if you listened to others here and tried to help, you might feel a stronger sense of being valued to another and give you a purpose?

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Ok, I know I'm a freaking broken record with this, but get thee to Byron Katie. Loving What Is is a great tool. Doing The Work was one of the two things that helped me the most...the other being Angela's coaching.

I have a boyfriend, no kids. And I want kids, but that doesn't mean that if I don't ever have them that I'm some kind of misfit. Who gives a crap what some parts of society tell you is "normal"?! When you are comfortable with yourself it won't matter.

I do know that loneliness is debilitating sometimes, but go out and make the effort. There are millions of misfits in society, and lots of the "normal" people hang out with misfits too and accept them totally. I think in this instance you may be cutting yourself off from people due to your own beliefs. I suggest doing a trial on changing your mindset about who you are and how other people see you.

I'm sorry if I'm wrong or come across as not understanding. But I really felt the same way when I was younger, and even now notice lots of ways in which I don't really fit in, BUT I've found that I am more loved and accepted than I let myself believe. A lot of the isolation was caused by me.

[sbdiane]

I don't want children. Here are som examples how being childfree can feel like being a misfit:

I went to my 20th high school reunion and connected with my two high school best friends. They still both do things together but I hadn't spoken to them in many years. It was great seeing them and we decided, since we still live pretty close to each other, to get together. I went to visit and they both had their kids in tow (I think there were 6 or 7 of them). We spent the whole time talking about kid things, schools, neighborhoods, potty training, stuff like that. I had absolutely nothing to bring to the conversation.

Recently I was invited to a kids birthday party from someone I did not know well who did not know I have no kids. Imagining myself attending a kids birthday party with no kids and no kid experience to share I could just see that it would not work to meet strangers without having the central reason for their gathering in common.

But being kid-free isn't the only way I'm a misfit. I also feel isolated by the type of work I do. I hope to meet others when I take some classes.

Someone should start a childfree topic. It is a road less traveled for women. I had someone tell me that it was foolish not to have children because I would be alone in my old age with nobody to take care of me. Wow, that's pretty bleak. And I don't believe it. Not having kids has allowed me to do tons of things other people cannot do. I have not felt cheated in life but blessed.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by sbdiane

I don't want children. Here are som examples how being childfree can feel like being a misfit:

I went to my 20th high school reunion and connected with my two high school best friends. They still both do things together but I hadn't spoken to them in many years. It was great seeing them and we decided, since we still live pretty close to each other, to get together. I went to visit and they both had their kids in tow (I think there were 6 or 7 of them). We spent the whole time talking about kid things, schools, neighborhoods, potty training, stuff like that. I had absolutely nothing to bring to the conversation.

Recently I was invited to a kids birthday party from someone I did not know well who did not know I have no kids. Imagining myself attending a kids birthday party with no kids and no kid experience to share I could just see that it would not work to meet strangers without having the central reason for their gathering in common.

But being kid-free isn't the only way I'm a misfit. I also feel isolated by the type of work I do. I hope to meet others when I take some classes.

Someone should start a childfree topic. It is a road less traveled for women. I had someone tell me that it was foolish not to have children because I would be alone in my old age with nobody to take care of me. Wow, that's pretty bleak. And I don't believe it. Not having kids has allowed me to do tons of things other people cannot do. I have not felt cheated in life but blessed.

In all of those situations, can you see how you were the one who saw yourself as a misfit? Not having children, I've been to kid's parties and not felt one bit out of place. The ladies who talk about nothing but their kids sound worse off than you do to me as it seems that's their whole life.

It still seems from my perspective that you are feeling isolated, rather than being isolated by others. I have no doubt that some people do see you as "other" by the work you do or by not having kids, but it's your own opinion of yourself that matters. You are taking on the role of misfit and feeling lonely when you don't have to.

With that said, it doesn't seem that you agree at all and it might be best if I leave the topic rather than continuing back and forth simply because it's my desire to help, but I don't think I am doing so.

As far as the childfree topic...start it! I know that there are at least a couple of ladies on here who don't plan to have children and have had some similarly rude comments tossed their way. Why anyone feels the need to but into your decision about whether to have kids is beyond me, but I would say it's they who have the problem...not you!

[kpreston]

Originally Posted by sbdiane

I have not felt cheated in life but blessed.

Everything you've told us seems to contradict that point of view.

[funchy]

A woman without kids isn't a misfit. I'm 36 and have never tried to have kids. Maybe one day, perhaps, but right now I'm too busy enjoying life. And I love my child-free friends because they tend to have more to discuss than what to cook the kids for dinner. (No offense, parents, but I simply need more intellectual stimulation than hearing how your child did this report card)

You just need a different circle of friends. Try to think: where do these kinds of people hang out? Usually women without kids have more free time, more time for hobbies, and/or are working/volunteering more in the community. Why don't you try volunteering? Or join a service organization. Are there any hobbies you might enjoy? Or even better, can you start a club, organization, meet-up, or book club? Or perhaps spend more time at a library, gym, or place like that?

You are the only thing holding yourself back.

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by sbdiane

I'm lonely

You aren't lonely! You have two jobs (one of which is 'more social'), a boyfriend and you jam with other musicians twice a week...

Your life definitely fails the very definition of lonely!

So, the good thing here is that you can decide to not feel lonely anymore. Train your mind to stop reinforcing false notions like I'm lonely, I'm a weirdo, etc. None of those ideas are true and they are all that keeps you feeling isolated.

Trust me, I've been there!

[Rockchick26]

Originally Posted by {aspiring_to_clarity}

I do know that loneliness is debilitating sometimes, but go out and make the effort. There are millions of misfits in society, and lots of the "normal" people hang out with misfits too and accept them totally. I think in this instance you may be cutting yourself off from people due to your own beliefs. I suggest doing a trial on changing your mindset about who you are and how other people see you.

I'm sorry if I'm wrong or come across as not understanding. But I really felt the same way when I was younger, and even now notice lots of ways in which I don't really fit in, BUT I've found that I am more loved and accepted than I let myself believe. A lot of the isolation was caused by me.

It is true that some people do accept misfits but its kinda like this,for every one person that accepts you there are like 50 who don't. And when one of them is a mother or father,that REALLY doesn't help. And you can have all the confidence in the world and then some people judge you,it's hard to stay strong.

[Rockchick26]

Originally Posted by sbdiane

I went to my 20th high school reunion and connected with my two high school best friends. They still both do things together but I hadn't spoken to them in many years. It was great seeing them and we decided, since we still live pretty close to each other, to get together. I went to visit and they both had their kids in tow (I think there were 6 or 7 of them). We spent the whole time talking about kid things, schools, neighborhoods, potty training, stuff like that. I had absolutely nothing to bring to the conversation.

Wow,this same exact thing happened to me too! My two best friends from high school both had at least 3 kids,and when one of them got married we all were there and it was so hard to talk to them because,like you said,they mostly talked about their kids,or were talking TO their kids,or chasing after their kids.

Someone should start a childfree topic. It is a road less traveled for women. I had someone tell me that it was foolish not to have children because I would be alone in my old age with nobody to take care of me. Wow, that's pretty bleak. And I don't believe it. Not having kids has allowed me to do tons of things other people cannot do. I have not felt cheated in life but blessed.

I agree,i feel like i am able to do things that people with kids can't,and i don't regret that. They say I'M the one thats missing out,but its a matter of perspective. Everyone misses out on something no matter which option you choose (or get forced to choose,in some cases).

[Tigerlilly]

Originally Posted by sbdiane

Many musicians are social misfits, I guess. You'd have to be to want to lock yourself in a basement and play the same tune over and over again a million times.

Goes for a lot of artistic or other occupations, I guess, but I never considered it as a sign of being a "social misfit". To me that term applies to people who bury their neighbours in their backyard.

I need lots and lots of time on my own to be happy and relaxed. I needed it before the thought of baby or bf ever entered my mind, and I am happy & content when I'm spending time alone, left to my own devices, and happiest & most content when I spend the time creatively or outside.

If I don't get that generous amount of time to myself I get cranky & aggressive in company, but still I never considered myself a "social misfit", cause given this downtime on my own I am a most social being otherwise, loving to be in the company of people I care about and having a good time then as well.

If you are feeling lonely aka bad when you're alone, of course then this might mean that something's off kilter, but I'd think that's probably thinking of yourself as being a social misfit, not the actual spending time alone in your basement doing what you desire to do.

[Rockchick26]

I don't know about Sbdiane,but to me,the misfit thing has nothing to do with needing alone time or how we feel when we're alone. It's about how we feel with other people. Other people,maybe without realizing it,say and do things that make us feel like misfits. For one example,almost every group of friends i've had have picked on me,teased me,called me "freak",shake their head and say "only you!". These things are another way of saying "wow i cant believe how different you are from all of us,but thanks for being our source of amusement!" Like i said,it doesn't help when one of your parents even says these things about you.

[lifetimelearner]

Originally Posted by Rockchick26

I don't know about Sbdiane,but to me,the misfit thing has nothing to do with needing alone time or how we feel when we're alone. It's about how we feel with other people. Other people,maybe without realizing it,say and do things that make us feel like misfits. For one example,almost every group of friends i've had have picked on me,teased me,called me "freak",shake their head and say "only you!". These things are another way of saying "wow i cant believe how different you are from all of us,but thanks for being our source of amusement!" Like i said,it doesn't help when one of your parents even says these things about you.

that's sad and I feel bad for you

I think that anyone who is different than the 'norm' are looked upon unfavorably


I have kids but I have been the topic of conversation in my family since they were born because I raise mine 'different ' than anyone else in my family


examples are : I homeschool and I do not use the typical plan that they use in schools here
I teach my kids about the real world and life

I did not get my kids baptized in the catholic religion and I do not go to church I teach my children that they have choices about god and religion and it WILL NOT be forced down their throats by me

I am the blacksheep for that one big time !

there are so many ways I do not fit in

my sisters both have friends that they have had since grade school
I don't

I do not make friends easily because I feel so different from people =
I am not Suzy homemaker
I do not have a husband or BF
now I have no job

my family cannot understand why I don't want to use my nursing degree anymore to slave away in a hospital setting for 12 hours a day doing work I don't like

I don't feel like I have to apologize for that anymore

I am not and never will be a people person-I don't have the desire for it



okay I have taken over sorry



please do not feel like misfits
you are just different
and that's what makes the world go around



what kind of music do you guys play ?

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by Rockchick26

It is true that some people do accept misfits but its kinda like this,for every one person that accepts you there are like 50 who don't. And when one of them is a mother or father,that REALLY doesn't help. And you can have all the confidence in the world and then some people judge you,it's hard to stay strong.

I want you, and sbdiane, to know that I hear you and I can totally see where you are coming from. It is extremely painful when your own parents judge you or think you odd. I'm not sure if you believe me, but although I've had a couple of good friends throughout my life, I was pretty much an outcast too. I don't wear make-up or care much for girly things, I look pretty average, I was a "drama freak" (that's the lovely name kids in high school had for those of us who took theater). My friends were the misfits, people somewhat on the fringes. If you're one of the regular kids, they will look or act odd to you, but when you get to know these people, they are witty and cool and smart and on and on. In fact, when you think about it, the ones living the status quo are really the lonely ones, as they don't even know themselves and therefore cannot ever really connect on a deep level with anyone else (or fail to realize the existing connection we all have).

What I'm trying to say is, there are over 6 billion people in the world. The majority of them will never even know you. Of the ones who know you, not everyone is going to like or understand you. BUT, who cares? Be proud to be who you are. Make connections with people and don't let fear of how they see you stop you. I think that there are very few people in the world who are doomed to live a solitary existence. The majority of us isolate ourselves by our choices or perceptions. Sometimes, we are the ones who prejudge others...by assuming they will reject us as a misfit.

I was once so lonely I tried to kill myself, or wanted to anyway and got so far as putting the rope around my neck and pulling it tight before I collapsed into a ball of tears. I feel for where you are and what you're going through. I do. But at the same time, from this angle, I know that we have another option and I hope that you will see it too and hook into that connection that's running through all of us.

[Andrew Brunelle]

I feel kind of the way you do, that close to moving into the woods and enjoying solitude. But the people in your life make you that much happier and I feel that if you don't have at least a few people in your life you can talk to, then you'll feel empty all the time. I find that talking to people who truly care about you will change your perspective on how lonely you truly are.

I tried going the therapy route and so far, I just don't like it. Unless a therapist can see into your soul, then how can they really know what's wrong? They may be able to address some issues, but you're the one that has to put the work in. I would suggest working on building strong social connections with people your own age or close to it. Find a common interest. Find your own group of geniune misfits.

[Vie]

Hey I personnaly started feeling a lot better when I stopped believing in that "normal society" concept. And since, I feel my eyes have opened, I stopped categorizing people and noticed how exceptionally wierd the most politically correct persons are

[ns123]

As a woman in her 30's who loves kids (not just my own)... I must jump in to defend "women who talk about nothing but their kids."

Ever met a fitness buff who talked about nothing but diet and exercise? Ever met a Star Trek fan who talked about nothing but Star Trek? Ever met a political junkie who talked about nothing but politics! Ever met a gamer who talked about nothing but playing WoW (or City of Heroes, etc)?

I can exclaim, they are so boring! All these women ever talk about are politics/star trek/diet&exercise! It's their whole life!

So just to give an countering perspective... people talk about what it is that interests them, what inspires their passions, what ignites them. And for some people, it's children (or sharing their life with children). For some people, it's their own children. It's normal to talk about what you love, all the time. Actually, it's expected.

You are free to think they have "no life" for talking about kids so much, but it may just not be the life you want. It may be exactly the life they have always wanted.

I was like you once, I was happy for many years, traveling all over the world, doing what I want, ultimate freedom, before I had a child. And you know what? Sharing my life with children beats them all - but it may be drudgery to you, and that's ok.

So you say your life is joyous and blessed, being a woman without a husband or children. Good for you! So go out, live your joyful life, have a blast!

But please don't knock the rest of us who made different choices - because we are also living a joyful life too! Just a different one from you.

And some of us married with kids folks don't quite understand that there are different paths to joy. Ever discovered something that made you happy and wanted to share it with others? That's what some of us try to do, have you walk our path to joy, instead of your own. Cut us some slack, go have fun, be single and fabulous!

[Rockchick26]

Originally Posted by lifetimelearner

that's sad and I feel bad for you

I think that anyone who is different than the 'norm' are looked upon unfavorably


I have kids but I have been the topic of conversation in my family since they were born because I raise my 'different ' than anyone else in my family


examples are : I homeschool and I do not use the typical plan that they use in schools here
I teach my kids about the real world and life

I did not get my kids baptized in the catholic religion and I do not go to church I teach my children that they have choices about god and religion and it WILL NOT be forced down their throats by me

I am the blacksheep for that one big time !

there are so many ways I do not fit in

my sisters both have friends that they have had since grade school
I don't

I do not make friends easily because I feel so different from people =
I am not Suzy homemaker
I do not have a husband or BF
now I have no job

my family cannot understand why I don't want to use my nursing degree anymore to slave away in a hospital setting for 12 hours a day doing work I don't like

I don't feel like I have to apologize for that anymore

I am not and never will be a people person-I don't have the desire for it



okay I have taken over sorry



please do not feel like misfits
you are just different
and that's what makes the world go around



what kind of music do you guys play

wow,thats all describes me too! I wouldnt want my (hypothetical) kids in regular school either,mostly cuz i hated school cuz of how other kids treated me,and i beleive kids should want to learn and not feel forced to. Yeah we arent wierd,we're just different. I like to say we are not sheeple (sheep people) Its good to go against the grain and take the road less traveled. I guess if our way became the popular way,then it would take away the meaning of it,so i guess in that sense i am glad i don't fit in!

To answer your question,I don't really "play" music,i just have a piano that i fiddle around on,well i used to a lot before i had to move to an apartment,now i'm afraid people will complain about the noise.

[Rockchick26]

Originally Posted by {aspiring_to_clarity}

I want you, and sbdiane, to know that I hear you and I can totally see where you are coming from. It is extremely painful when your own parents judge you or think you odd. I'm not sure if you believe me, but although I've had a couple of good friends throughout my life, I was pretty much an outcast too. I don't wear make-up or care much for girly things, I look pretty average, I was a "drama freak" (that's the lovely name kids in high school had for those of us who took theater). My friends were the misfits, people somewhat on the fringes. If you're one of the regular kids, they will look or act odd to you, but when you get to know these people, they are witty and cool and smart and on and on. In fact, when you think about it, the ones living the status quo are really the lonely ones, as they don't even know themselves and therefore cannot ever really connect on a deep level with anyone else (or fail to realize the existing connection we all have).

What I'm trying to say is, there are over 6 billion people in the world. The majority of them will never even know you. Of the ones who know you, not everyone is going to like or understand you. BUT, who cares? Be proud to be who you are. Make connections with people and don't let fear of how they see you stop you. I think that there are very few people in the world who are doomed to live a solitary existence. The majority of us isolate ourselves by our choices or perceptions. Sometimes, we are the ones who prejudge others...by assuming they will reject us as a misfit.

I was once so lonely I tried to kill myself, or wanted to anyway and got so far as putting the rope around my neck and pulling it tight before I collapsed into a ball of tears. I feel for where you are and what you're going through. I do. But at the same time, from this angle, I know that we have another option and I hope that you will see it too and hook into that connection that's running through all of us.

wow,that is horrible that you almost killed yourself! I'm so glad you think differently now. I have never felt suicidal before so i'm not worried that i'll get that bad,i accept myself better than i ever expected i'd be able to...i get pretty defensive about myself a lot though,i really refuse to change and thats what brings problems,its almost a vicious cycle. People judge me for being different which makes me feel even more strongly about it which isolates me even more,as it's happened in this forum a few times. And in some cases,if i really should be fixing something about myself,i have a harder time changing because i feel like becoming anything else would be conforming to what other people want me to be.

[Rockchick26]

I am not saying its bad to only talk about your kids,i'm sure i am boring to some people cuz all i talk about is music...i just said that its hard for me to relate to them (impossible,actually) and so there is just no common bond there anymore. I am not saying they are wrong for having their life be their kids. But those people are going to have a harder time letting go once their kids are older. Everyone should have a hobby or interest besides other people.

[lifetimelearner]

Originally Posted by sbdiane

Maybe a woman without children is not a misfit, but most women my age have them and are either in the work world or at home with their kids. I'm kind of in neither place, so I'm pretty lonely. I'm a misfit because of other things besides that.

I would like to talk in person with someone. I feel like I go through my day without speaking sometimes. I go to my job. I can walk in there, do my job, and walk out without saying a word. I have another job that is more social, but the only other English speaking person there seems to avoid me. My boyfriend works almost all the time. I play music in two jam sessions, but I show up, play the music and go home. I don't even know most people's names even though I've been going to these jams for a long time. Many musicians are social misfits, I guess. You'd have to be to want to lock yourself in a basement and play the same tune over and over again a million times.

Anyway, maybe I could join something where people talk to each other. But what?

what kind of music do you play ?

you are not a misfit
do not label yourself like that

you just need to feel comfortable in your own skin

to me different is good

[lifetimelearner]

Originally Posted by Rockchick26

I am not saying its bad to only talk about your kids,i'm sure i am boring to some people cuz all i talk about is music...i just said that its hard for me to relate to them (impossible,actually) and so there is just no common bond there anymore. I am not saying they are wrong for having their life be their kids. But those people are going to have a harder time letting go once their kids are older. Everyone should have a hobby or interest besides other people.

so true empty nest is a bit-h

I have had 2 leave home and I have 2 still at home so I am half-empty nest


your life should 'include' your kids not be your whole life or else that's an empty mother if you ask me

but then again you may not be asking

[Angela]

To get back to the topic of the original post......

Originally Posted by sbdiane

I feel like I need help figuring out where to go next in my life.

Start speculating: what would your ideal life look like? What would you do when you get up in the morning? Where would you live? What kind of work would you do, if any? Who would be there with you? What would you eat, and would you have a car? Would you be making a big difference in the world, or would you be tucked away more to yourself? How would your body look and feel? Who would your friends be? What would your life be like if you were head over heels in love with it?

(Don't censor yourself for this exercise -- go all out and dream big, even if it's "impossible" stuff.)