I'm lonely

[Lauxa]

Originally Posted by sbdiane

Anyway, maybe I could join something where people talk to each other. But what?

Toastmasters. Or an improv class. Or a book discussion group.

But I think the trick is that you don't just want to talk to people, you want to talk to people about certain things. So... what do you want to talk to people about?

[missing]

Originally Posted by sbdiane

I'm lonely. I don't really fit in to normal life. I'm a weirdo. A genuine misfit. I'm this close to moving to a cave in the desert. Ok. Not really that close, but I swear it sounds appealing just because I have little interest in the normal work-spend-debt pattern of normal life. I don't even have kids and never will, and believe me, a woman without kids is a misfit indeed.

I would like to have someone to talk to. A therapist seems like someone who would want to change me or fix me and I don't think I'm broken, although feeling so isolated I suppose I could become depressed. I don't know if there are even therapists who can understand someone who doesn't fit in to normal society.

Is there someone who is not quite a therapist who would talk to me? What kind of person would that be? I feel like I need help figuring out where to go next in my life. Without a model to follow, I'm kind of at a loss forging my own path. I'm not sure what my path is, but it's definitely off the beaten track. Some kind of "life coach" rah rah rah success success success money money money person is definitely the wrong person for me.

I often feel the same way although I don't talk to anybody. I don't even have a job (not complaining!) where I can see people. I keep telling myself I should "go to groups" or whatever, just to be around people, but on the rare occasion I can do something like that, I just feel it's pointless. It takes a lot of effort to meet people, and most of the people I've known in life I've not connected with at all. I swear I don't belong on this world, that I was dropped off here by accident and am supposed to be someplace else (that's why my handle is "missing"). It just seems pointless. At this point I have no idea what I'm supposed to be doing with my life. I mean, I know what I *want* to do (filmmaking) but it's hard to get the energy to go about doing it, or find people who are into it the way I am. I'm seriously considering leaving the country to go teach English some where, probably Asia. It's decent pay, but mostly cause the culture seems completely different. Not quite another planet, but close, and it's still modern, and I like modernity and cities. I like the woods too but I'm not a "move to the wilderness, live off the land" type of person. I like to do that stuff on weekends.

I'm quite anxious about making any drastic changes, however.

I think therapists are OK but they are a waste of money. Back in the day when I was a high school ♥♥♥♥♥ up, I saw lots of them. Some of them I really hated, actually. The others were just "meh". But as an adult the experience might be different. Maybe if I could get the government or insurance to pay I'd go, but otherwise, there are so many better ways to spend 50$ a week.

Also, I'm a guy but I'd love to find a woman my age who doesn't want kids. The problem is, most of them (I'm 25) are still kind of in a haze about that. They still have time to decide so it's incredibly rare to find one who definitely *doesn't* want kids. When you are in your 30's, reality starts to set in, I imagine. Sometimes I wish I were gay because than this wouldn't even be an issue. I knew a gay couple who just did their own thing, no worry of kids, but straight couples almost always have this question lingering over them.

[ns123]

Originally Posted by Rockchick26

I am not saying they are wrong for having their life be their kids. But those people are going to have a harder time letting go once their kids are older. Everyone should have a hobby or interest besides other people.

I am not saying that you are wrong for having your life be about music. But those people are going to have a harder time letting go once they loose their instruments, or their instruments break. Everyone should have a hobby or interest besides music.

Sounds funny, doesn't it?

Life is awesome when you experience it with other people, or at least, I think so. You may think it's awesome when you experience it through expressing yourself through music. And that's awesome too!

It is quite possible to live a life of joy surrounding your family, filled with children, all your life. Just because your children grow up, doesn't mean you lose your family, or you can't teach, volunteer, share your joys with other children (or friends, or other family).

Sorry to hijack this thread, I just wanted to offer a different perspective. That joy can be constantly generated, no matter what. And everyone chooses a different path. Just because one path doesn't work for some, doesn't mean it doesn't work at all. Ok, that's the last I'll say about this.

Back on topic, sbdiane, stop trying to "fit." What does that really mean anyway? Do you really want to be like everyone else?

You are single and fabulous! If your life is not feeling quite right, which is what I'm gathering from your words, figure out what it is. Do what Angela said, go all out, dream big - what would your joyful fabulous life look like? then, start turning towards that.

[Rockchick26]

Originally Posted by ns123

I am not saying that you are wrong for having your life be about music. But those people are going to have a harder time letting go once they loose their instruments, or their instruments break. Everyone should have a hobby or interest besides music.

Sounds funny, doesn't it?

But music is something you can enjoy FOREVER,thats the beauty of it,you can enjoy it at any age,anywhere you are,no matter whatever else you lose in your life,music will never be lost. But i'm not trying to talk you into liking it as much as I do,i'm just saying how its the complete opposite of having kids. Kids are only yours for 18 years. Kids run away,disown their parents,get killed or die early...if you pin all your hapiness on them,you're going to be one unhappy person unless you had a kid who is willing to live at home forever,be your puppet,and outlives you.

I know this seems harsh but i'm just trying to say depending on any other PEOPLE to be your "life" then they will be let down eventually,if not regularly.

[Marth]

What's up? I'll try to help, I know what it's like to feel lonely at times.

[justforaday]

well i feel lonely too, but i´m young and i would like to have a child someday.
if youre not older than 30 then i could chat with you if you send me your msn or sth.

[sbdiane]

Originally Posted by ns123

You are free to think they have "no life" for talking about kids so much, but it may just not be the life you want. It may be exactly the life they have always wanted.

I was like you once, I was happy for many years, traveling all over the world, doing what I want, ultimate freedom, before I had a child. And you know what? Sharing my life with children beats them all - but it may be drudgery to you, and that's ok.

I never criticized anyone as having "no life" for talking about kids so much or called raising children drudgery. My words were that I had nothing to bring to the conversation. I felt I could not add much to our get-together. I was the one lacking, not them.

I cannot have children. What started as a choice is not a choice any longer. It's just a fact, a fact I'm very happy about. I am an aunt to 4 kids and that has been good enough for me.

As for my original lament...I posted that I felt lonely because it seemed like day after day I'd go to work and sit in a room full of people and not talk to anyone. And I'd go to my other job and it seemed like the only other English-speaking person there would avoid me. I try to speak with the Spanish-speaking folks but they are so busy. They are in the back of the shop doing all the hard work and I'm out front tending the cash register. Boring. I'd rather be sweating and chopping up stuff like them, but that's how it goes. Then I'd go to my music groups and jam but we're all busy playing our instruments so only a few words are spoken here and there. It started seeming like I could probably go a whole day without saying a word that wasn't transactional in some way.

As for feeling like a misfit, I guess I feel that way because I spend a lot of this lonely time dreaming of ways to walk away from it all. I would like nothing more than to put on a backpack and walk for a year. Not live anywhere but under the stars. If the economy collapsed I'd be secretly happy to have an excuse to do it. I'm not a career-oriented person and have never been, although I pretended pretty well for a while there. I'm trying to get back into careerism and consumer culture, at least superficially, but meanwhile I'm reading books and articles about how to survive outside it. That's my true dream and I'm making a start but don't feel quite like I'm achieving it yet. I'm driving myself nuts trying to do the "right" thing on one level and feeling pulled into something else on another level.

Plus, since I left my well-payed corporate job and am doing retail and data entry now, I'm struggling with the ingrained beliefs that go so deep that you are worth something because of what you do for a living. I know on one level that this is bunk, but you'd be surprised how ingrained these beliefs are and how challenging it is to your sense of self to try to find your worth outside these beliefs.

I wish I had others to hang out and discuss this with, other people who are not chasing money or the corporate ladder and who are finding ways to live outside the system. I do not know any other people like this. People in the flesh, that is. People with composting toilets and vegetable gardens. True subversives. Heh heh.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by sbdiane

If the economy collapsed I'd be secretly happy to have an excuse to do it. .

You're in luck! Congratulations, and now go buy yourself a backpack! What are you waiting for? Does a brick building have to fall on you? Get busy livin' or get busy dyin'!

[sbdiane]

Heh heh. I'm still recovering from the 1500 miles I already did this year. Hopefully I can hit the trail on Monday for a few days out in the backcountry. I hope it's not too cold. Otherwise, any epic adventures will have to wait until Spring. Snow is not my thing.

[carenkh]

Originally Posted by Rockchick26

Kids are only yours for 18 years. Kids run away,disown their parents,get killed or die early...if you pin all your happiness on them,you're going to be one unhappy person unless you had a kid who is willing to live at home forever,be your puppet,and outlives you.

I know this seems harsh but i'm just trying to say depending on any other PEOPLE to be your "life" then they will be let down eventually,if not regularly.

This sounds like a nice excuse to not let people get very, very close to you. Right now, my kids are "my life" because they're kids, and that's what it takes to have the type of relationship I want to have with them - which, I am hoping, will far outlast 18 years. We are building a lifetime relationship, with consensual living and unschooling. As they age up, my life will be less and less about them, because they won't need that intense type of care and connection - it's a natural process. I DO have things in my life other than my kids that bring me alive and bring me joy - but right now, parenting requires ME, and I happily give myself. I'm not pinning my happiness on them, or on my relationship to them, but our lives are about moving toward joy. I'm the grownup, so it means I'm the one who needs to give. I brought these people into the world.

Yes, if I let people into my life so intimately and give myself so freely, then, yes, I will be hurt - it's part of life; people die or move away or grow away. BUT I will also experience exquisite incomparable connection and amazing experiences - fear of pain is not enough reason to keep me away. I'm not just talking about parenting, here. I can see myself as a misfit and by doing that, keep those pesky humans at a distance - or I can accept myself EXACTLY as I am, weirdo unschooling intuitive reader and all, and invite any who want to share in my fabulousness to do so. That means - letting others in! Yikes.

[garentee]

Originally Posted by carenkh

This sounds like a nice excuse to not let people get very, very close to you. Right now, my kids are "my life" because they're kids, and that's what it takes to have the type of relationship I want to have with them - which, I am hoping, will far outlast 18 years. We are building a lifetime relationship, with consensual living and unschooling. As they age up, my life will be less and less about them, because they won't need that intense type of care and connection - it's a natural process. I DO have things in my life other than my kids that bring me alive and bring me joy - but right now, parenting requires ME, and I happily give myself. I'm not pinning my happiness on them, or on my relationship to them, but our lives are about moving toward joy. I'm the grownup, so it means I'm the one who needs to give. I brought these people into the world.

Yes, if I let people into my life so intimately and give myself so freely, then, yes, I will be hurt - it's part of life; people die or move away or grow away. BUT I will also experience exquisite incomparable connection and amazing experiences - fear of pain is not enough reason to keep me away. I'm not just talking about parenting, here. I can see myself as a misfit and by doing that, keep those pesky humans at a distance - or I can accept myself EXACTLY as I am, weirdo unschooling intuitive reader and all, and invite any who want to share in my fabulousness to do so. That means - letting others in! Yikes.

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