I'm so confused....

[lostandsad]

Ok, I will explain this the best way I can. I will try to give as much info as I can. My husband and I have been married for 10 months. I struggle with bipolar disorder and I have lost my temper before in the two years of our relationship, by this I mean that I have threatened to leave him (this was an empty threat, I think I mean it at the time but after I cool off I am very remorseful).
We hit a point where I made the same threat. This time he did not forgive me. We have been sleeping in different beds for 2 and a half weeks, and he has been saying awful hurtful things to me. He has been touching on subjects that I am very sensitive about. He leaves and doesnt tell me where he is going, and he comes home late from work.
We both come from the same backround. Alchoholic father who ended up leaving. He is 29, this is his second mariage, I am 23 and this is my first, and hopfully last.
It finally hit me that I needed to get some serious help, so I started going to church, I got a job, got into counseling, and will start new meds on monday.
I have been still taking care of him as far as doing the chores around the house, and making sure his uniform isnt wrinkly, and folding his laundry, and getting groceries. I try to talk to him nightly , just talk, not argue, or debate.
He doesn't outwardly say that he wants a divorce, but he says he doesn't feel the same way about me. He doesnt like me.
I have lost 15 lbs in two weeks...I cannot eat...I have a hard time getting water and crackers down...I am a mess at night, I miss him, and I miss us...
My mother looked him up on "myspace" and he had his "status" posted as single, and not married.
He had the oppurtunity to stay in the "dorms" on base for a little bit while things cooled down, but he decided not to. I have told him that I was NOT going anywhere, for the sake of our marriage.
I desperatly want to work this out, I am genuinly sorry for what I put him through....I didn't realize how bad it had gotten...wasn't our vow through sickness and in health?
Not to say that he hasn't also made mistakes....I just remember how it was dealing with two family members of mine have bipolar disorder, and how hard it was sometimes. This is why I feel so guilty.
He wont even eat dinner with me, nor the food I make him, I gave him the master bedroom because he said he needed space (which is warmer than the rest of the house) and I asked if I could sleep in there with him, and he said "I prefer not".
He has said that he feels broken and numb....
He now wants to spend christmas seperatly, I am tore up about this and so is our families....
I guess what I am asking is if anyone thinks there is hope left, or if I am just too late coming around to getting help. Do men rebound form this and love their wives again??

[LordSappington]

You should realize that threatening to end a relationship is an incredibly cruel thing to do. He's no doubt very hurt and feeling vulnerable. He may one day forgive you, or he may not. If you haven't apologized, you need to, and you need to never say something like that ever again unless you mean it. You need open and honest conversation about your relationship, where you both feel that you are and where it's going, and how your mental illness affects that. Perhaps marriage counseling might be helpful.

[Dimond]

Originally Posted by LordSappington

You should realize that threatening to end a relationship is an incredibly cruel thing to do. He's no doubt very hurt and feeling vulnerable. He may one day forgive you, or he may not. If you haven't apologized, you need to, and you need to never say something like that ever again unless you mean it. You need open and honest conversation about your relationship, where you both feel that you are and where it's going, and how your mental illness affects that. Perhaps marriage counseling might be helpful.

This is very unhelpful. Depression is a very serious illness. Making someone feel bad about actions that are out of their control doesn't help matters.

Lostandsad, sent you a PM (private message).

[sbdiane]

I guess Ann Landers or Dear Abby would suggest marriage counseling. And if he doesn't go, you go by yourself. It couldn't hurt. You might find some support from Al-Anon, too.

[spookie149]

You could be at the end of the relationship, or you could just be at the final straw. From what it sounds like he hasn't made up his mind yet which it is. Make note that if you do make it through you can never say something like that again. Bipolar disorder is not an excuse for you to say hurtful things to your partner. If he has told you continually before that not to do something and you continued to do it you can see why he's so angry. More importantly- why haven't you already addressed the problem? I'm surprised you weren't seeing a counselor before? Maybe a regular appointment with one would help you with weekly frustrations.

Maybe writing out a contract with him and yourself and putting it on the fridge to show your seriousness?

[lostandsad]

I actually did make the appointment for the psychologist yesterday and I went. I am absolutly not in the mindframe that my actions were excusable due to the bipolar disorder, I was just getting my point across that I have been troubled and confused in the past, I wanted as much covered as I could.
He is saying that he hasn't made up his mind whether or not to remain togethor. The psychologist that I went to suggested that he speak with my husband personally, and said that he would personally call my husband.
I havn't sought therapy before because I thought I could get through it...obviously that hasn't worked. I think it takes an understanding of the disorder to know what I really mean...
Also, I did apologize numerous times, and I have managed to make a lot of changes in lifelong patterns in a short amount of time and will continue to do so, to show that I am serious....however he is not very receptive to any ideas....
Also thankyou or anyone that replied.

[ZHereford]

Hi lostandsad,

This is an unfortunate situation, but certainly not beyond correction and healing.

Don't beat yourself up and further because you've done everything you can. I think, whether your husband realizes it or not (and he probably doesn't), he's playing a little power game with you. In some way he likes seeing you squirm a bit, if only to make up for the hurt he feels you've caused him. That's one of the reasons he won't stay at the base. He wants to punish you until he feels it makes up for what went on.

If I were you, I would continue to be as nice and pleasant as you can to him. Do whatever you can to take care of yourself. Try to eat well, exercise and get as much sleep as you can. If you feel good physically, you will start to feel better all around and he'll notice that his actions aren't having the same effect on you any more. There's a good chance that this will be enough to get him communicating and the two of you can work on re-building your relationship.

Life is too short. Every moment is precious and we never know when it will be the last.

All the best to you!