Question about social people

[Erock]

My mom and I were having a little debate the other day. The situation was that I had not picked up the phone (caller ID) from a friend of mine, because I wanted to do something without him. She said that truly social people always answer the phone and are just honest about what they want to do. I have a lot of pushy friends, and it's hard for me to say no because they don't really listen, so I would rather just not pick up the phone.

Kind of a dumb question, but what do you guys think on this?

[tc33]

Originally Posted by Erock

Kind of a dumb question, but what do you guys think on this?

I agree with you -- that is a dumb question!

Kidding!

What exactly is 'truly social' and why do you have to become it?

I'm in a similar situation -- even though I have a good time when I go out with friends, I'd often prefer to do my own thing. However, you can't exactly say "I don't want to hang out with you" because that could damage the relationship. I've had pushy friends show up at my door and drag me out when I've told them the truth, so now I guess it's just easier to tell a white lie. Do I experience some cognitive dissonance when I do this? Yes. However, I often have things that I'd rather do than go out, so I feel righteous in living congruently with my values. First things first!

- Tom

[ChefSalad]

You know, I know a lot of people who do that and it bothers the crap out of me. It just doesn't seem right ignoring people and seems worse telling lies. In fact, this is the subject of a frequent, on-going dispute I have with some of my better friends. I, personally, find that telling any lie, no matter how white, goes against my better judgment. I would rather tell them the truth or nothing, and, more importantly, I would rather hear the truth or nothing. White lies suck.

And it's funny because one of the biggest reason this friend of mine lies is to because he doesn't want to hang out with those people, or his wife doesn't. That's very similar to your reasoning. And he frequently avoids phone calls from certain people for much the same reasons. Anyway, what's funny, is that I used to (and sometimes slip up and) do that too. One day, about six months ago, I decided to stop that and haven't looked back. At first, some of my pushier friends kept pushing and pushing but after a few times, they got the hint and let off when I said I didn't want to do X. Try it, it really works. Now, if only I could get my friend to join the "social" crowd.

[mattsonn]

Originally Posted by Erock

She said that truly social people always answer the phone and are just honest about what they want to do.

She's wrong about both parts. IMO.

Seriously, how can your mom be a socialite and not have had the "misunderstanding friend" (MF) situation? Typical conversation:

(talking, talking)...

MF: Hey, would you be interested in going with me to the so-and-so event this Tuesday?
Me: Sure, that sounds great. I'd definitely be interested in going.
MF: Okay, great. I'll talk to you then.

Tuesday comes up. Obviously I can't go because I have a ton of other stuff I need to do. I call him up, cancel, and no one is offended.

[Erock]

Originally Posted by ChefSalad

You know, I know a lot of people who do that and it bothers the crap out of me. It just doesn't seem right ignoring people and seems worse telling lies. In fact, this is the subject of a frequent, on-going dispute I have with some of my better friends. I, personally, find that telling any lie, no matter how white, goes against my better judgment. I would rather tell them the truth or nothing, and, more importantly, I would rather hear the truth or nothing. White lies suck.

And it's funny because one of the biggest reason this friend of mine lies is to because he doesn't want to hang out with those people, or his wife doesn't. That's very similar to your reasoning. And he frequently avoids phone calls from certain people for much the same reasons. Anyway, what's funny, is that I used to (and sometimes slip up and) do that too. One day, about six months ago, I decided to stop that and haven't looked back. At first, some of my pushier friends kept pushing and pushing but after a few times, they got the hint and let off when I said I didn't want to do X. Try it, it really works. Now, if only I could get my friend to join the "social" crowd.

Ya know, my conscious tells me that you are right on this. It's tough being honest, but it's tougher on myself to avoid the phone or lie. I'll try this out, but man is it going to be tough. Teenage boys are ruthless.

[Dimitry]

I think the key here is what's happening. Is it just a simple phone call? Or did you have plans and now the person is calling to follow up?

There are also times when it's appropriate/not to pickup the phone. For example, if I'm engange in a conversation that's higher that "small talk" on the meaning of importance to me, I'd rather not pick up the phone. That's what voice mail is for.

I think the biggest thing you are seeing here is with phones people expect you to pick it up NOW because they are calling and THEY are the ones important at the moment (not whatever you're currently doing). BTW, a lot of people are like that though not all.

So what I do nowadays is pickup the phones when I can or just let them leave a voice mail if it's important.

If there were plans though and they're following up or they're trying to make plans and you can't make it, tell them the truth. I've done both methods and as ChefSalad pointed out, the truth shall set you free.

[Nicketas]

Originally Posted by Erock

My mom and I were having a little debate the other day. The situation was that I had not picked up the phone (caller ID) from a friend of mine, because I wanted to do something without him. She said that truly social people always answer the phone and are just honest about what they want to do. I have a lot of pushy friends, and it's hard for me to say no because they don't really listen, so I would rather just not pick up the phone.

Kind of a dumb question, but what do you guys think on this?

It's called boundaries.
You set your own boundaries as to what you will and will not tolerate for your OWN life. Your friends (and even your mom, eventually) will soon learn your preferences and either adapt or leave.


So you don't want to pick up the phone. So what? Just Don't.
I don't answer EVERY TIME my friends (or even/especially my lovers) call. I have a life of my own separate from them. They get it. If they ask me later why I was busy, I tell them.

If your friends argue with you about YOUR life or are as pushy/needy as you say, it's time to get new friends.

[Dating Specialist]

Originally Posted by Nicketas

It's called boundaries.
You set your own boundaries as to what you will and will not tolerate for your OWN life. Your friends (and even your mom, eventually) will soon learn your preferences and either adapt or leave.

So you don't want to pick up the phone. So what? Just Don't.
I don't answer EVERY TIME my friends (or even/especially my lovers) call. I have a life of my own separate from them. They get it. If they ask me later why I was busy, I tell them.

If your friends argue with you about YOUR life or are as pushy/needy as you say, it's time to get new friends.

I agree on the boundaries. Even within a couple there has got to be boundaries set and communicated so that each party knows where their expectations extend to.

Refusing to pick up the calls can only be a temporary solution. Letting your friends know the truth is the way to go in the long run. As to how you communicate to them your boundaries and making them accept and understand without losing their friendship is really the part I call social intelligence.

[MukulVerma]

Very interesting conversation.........

By not picking up the phone, you are not doing yourself, your friend or your relationship any favors in the bigger picture. To be free, happy and who you are truly wanna be, I believe you have to be happy with yourself and all your decisons. I always pick up the phone, if I did not like in your case, I would question my action, becuase something must be wrong (like you did to start this excellent thread). If I did not want to talk, I would pick up the phone and be straight forward with them, yes you hear comments, pear pressure all that good stuff, it is call so what. Over time you will have your real friends stick with you and build strong relationships and you will weed out the materialistic ones. This makes YOU stronger.

I will give you an examples of my expereinces....
First, I use to go out to the clubs/bars 4-5 times a week, then I started finding it pointless, over time I started going twice, then once, then once a month and less and less. First, I realized when I went, I did not miss anything, second my friends stopped calling me to invite me, they respected that I said no and knew I would call when I wanted to come out, however they are still my good friends today. Yes, you need to have the discipline to say no when a little pear pressure given or they make fun of you, but you have to do what you believe is right to benefit you.

FYI - they realized and stopped a few years later and becuase I spent that time running a internet business, I am now financially, maturity and mentally ahead.

[Dimitry]

Originally Posted by MukulVerma

Very interesting conversation.........

By not picking up the phone, you are not doing yourself, your friend or your relationship any favors in the bigger picture. To be free, happy and who you are truly wanna be, I believe you have to be happy with yourself and all your decisons. I always pick up the phone, if I did not like in your case, I would question my action, becuase something must be wrong (like you did to start this excellent thread). If I did not want to talk, I would pick up the phone and be straight forward with them, yes you hear comments, pear pressure all that good stuff, it is call so what. Over time you will have your real friends stick with you and build strong relationships and you will weed out the materialistic ones. This makes YOU stronger.

I will give you an examples of my expereinces....
First, I use to go out to the clubs/bars 4-5 times a week, then I started finding it pointless, over time I started going twice, then once, then once a month and less and less. First, I realized when I went, I did not miss anything, second my friends stopped calling me to invite me, they respected that I said no and knew I would call when I wanted to come out, however they are still my good friends today. Yes, you need to have the discipline to say no when a little pear pressure given or they make fun of you, but you have to do what you believe is right to benefit you.

FYI - they realized and stopped a few years later and becuase I spent that time running a internet business, I am now financially, maturity and mentally ahead.

I do respect where you're coming from but I think you're confusing two very different situations.

Situation A
I do not pickup the phone because I feel I will be peer pressured into doing something I don't want to do. Or I just don't feel like talking to this person.

Situation B
I do not pickup the phone because I'm dedicating my time to people who are in front of me right now and I show them respect by providing them my undivided attention since the plan was to enjoy time with THEM at this moment.

Other similarities might be that you are busy working, or doing other things and the phone isn't priority right now. So you let the people calling leave a voice mail if it's really important to get ahold of you, and you call them back at a more approriate time. If they didn't leave a voice mail, whatever they were calling about was not important enough anyways so it doesn't matter if you picked up then or not.



I think you really should distinguesh those two. I agree with you that if you avoid picking up the phone due to Situation A, that you should be upfront with people instead of saying white lies and hiding behind them. At one point or another, the truth will come out, your values will look weak at that point and people might even think that they're just excuses anyways.
I see nothing wrong with Situation B, I actually thing that's proper etiquette and shows respect to both parties: you are giving all your attention to the person you're with; you'll be able to give more time and energy to the person on the phone when you can actually call them back AND the next time you're with them in person, they will receive the same treatment of your undivided attention.

[Ibanez]

Originally Posted by Erock

My mom and I were having a little debate the other day. The situation was that I had not picked up the phone (caller ID) from a friend of mine, because I wanted to do something without him. She said that truly social people always answer the phone and are just honest about what they want to do. I have a lot of pushy friends, and it's hard for me to say no because they don't really listen, so I would rather just not pick up the phone.

Kind of a dumb question, but what do you guys think on this?

I would consider what your doing being passive aggressive. Next thing you'll know you'll start doing it towards other things also. Just face up answer so no, I'd would rather go alone this time.

[Tom_Chambers]

Originally Posted by Erock

My mom and I were having a little debate the other day. The situation was that I had not picked up the phone (caller ID) from a friend of mine, because I wanted to do something without him. She said that truly social people always answer the phone and are just honest about what they want to do. I have a lot of pushy friends, and it's hard for me to say no because they don't really listen, so I would rather just not pick up the phone.

Kind of a dumb question, but what do you guys think on this?

I would say that the best option is to be honest. Once you start telling lies, however small, or trying to ignore people, you start building a psychological barrier between yourself and other people. The bigger this wall gets, the harder it is to relate to other people and the more work you put into maintaining this wall. If you're honest about all your feelings, even ones that might hurt people, better friendships emerge as a result.

[MukulVerma]

Originally Posted by Dimitry

I do respect where you're coming from but I think you're confusing two very different situations.

Situation A
I do not pickup the phone because I feel I will be peer pressured into doing something I don't want to do. Or I just don't feel like talking to this person.

Situation B
I do not pickup the phone because I'm dedicating my time to people who are in front of me right now and I show them respect by providing them my undivided attention since the plan was to enjoy time with THEM at this moment.

Other similarities might be that you are busy working, or doing other things and the phone isn't priority right now. So you let the people calling leave a voice mail if it's really important to get ahold of you, and you call them back at a more approriate time. If they didn't leave a voice mail, whatever they were calling about was not important enough anyways so it doesn't matter if you picked up then or not.



I think you really should distinguesh those two. I agree with you that if you avoid picking up the phone due to Situation A, that you should be upfront with people instead of saying white lies and hiding behind them. At one point or another, the truth will come out, your values will look weak at that point and people might even think that they're just excuses anyways.
I see nothing wrong with Situation B, I actually thing that's proper etiquette and shows respect to both parties: you are giving all your attention to the person you're with; you'll be able to give more time and energy to the person on the phone when you can actually call them back AND the next time you're with them in person, they will receive the same treatment of your undivided attention.

Agreed completely. If your priority are what you are doing at that moment, then do not pick up the phone. Make a decision, be proud or embarrass and do not feel back about it.

[tc33]

Originally Posted by Tom_Chambers

Once you start telling lies, however small, or trying to ignore people, you start building a psychological barrier between yourself and other people. The bigger this wall gets, the harder it is to relate to other people and the more work you put into maintaining this wall.

Tom, I like your "wall"/"barrier" analogy. Would you mind expanding on the dynamics of this phenomenon a bit more?

I'd like to eliminate the cognitive dissonance I experience and maximize my integrity. Thanks in advance

- Tom