separation and children

[cookie5]

Hi all. I am going through a nasty seperation at present in which we have a young son. I left the relationship as a result of emotional abuse and I'd had enough. He has made it incredibly difficult to see my son and wishes to rip in through the courts using him as a pawn and even as if our son is his posession. we are close to court proceedings yet I feel I am not ready for a big slanging match and more importantly the impact on my son. Feeling very empty inside that another human being could treat their own child this way and be such a nasty and vindictive person. I probably won't see my boy again for Christmas but then again he would not allow me for Easter or Mother's day. So to walk away or not? I think I need more time?

[freddy]

Most USA courts side more for the mother side getting the child unless there is some problems in doing so. And visitation is almost always given. My advise. It's easy to say but hard to do. I would not fight the battle. The court judge will sort it all out by what the law allows. If he gets the child. It's no walk in the park taking on the responsibility 24/7 I'm sure you will get to see your child by court order if its needed. Go to court but try and keep from getting into the silly petty stuff. Make your main goal to get visitation. You might be ordered to pay child support. But If works anything like it dose for a man. Then you have nothing to worry about. The system is slow and workable. Best of luck

[robc]

Originally Posted by freddy

Most USA courts side more for the mother side getting the child unless there is some problems in doing so. And visitation is almost always given. My advise. It's easy to say but hard to do. I would not fight the battle. The court judge will sort it all out by what the law allows. If he gets the child. It's no walk in the park taking on the responsibility 24/7 I'm sure you will get to see your child by court order if its needed. Go to court but try and keep from getting into the silly petty stuff. Make your main goal to get visitation. You might be ordered to pay child support. But If works anything like it dose for a man. Then you have nothing to worry about. The system is slow and workable. Best of luck

Although statistically, the numbers show most mothers will retain primary custody of their children, this isn't decided because of that. Courts make decisions of custody based on what is best for the children, not the parents. More men are getting custody, joint or primary because they are demonstrating that they can provide a good growth environment for their children. If a father gets primary custody, I would have to assume that the courts determined it was in the best interests of the children to do so.

Can we have more background information on this situation?
What caused the breakup/separation? Infidelity, drugs, alcohol, some other addiction, abuse, etc.

You said that your spouse was vindictive, why is that so? Have you done something to illicit this kind of response.

I'm not taking sides, it's just easier to look at the picture when you get to see the entire picture. This is an online forum, no one knows your identity (or mine or anyone else's for that matter), care to share some details on this issue? It could help with the kind of advice your looking for.

Either way, good luck!

[carenkh]

Originally Posted by cookie5

Hi all. I am going through a nasty seperation at present in which we have a young son. I left the relationship as a result of emotional abuse and I'd had enough. He has made it incredibly difficult to see my son and wishes to rip in through the courts using him as a pawn and even as if our son is his posession. we are close to court proceedings yet I feel I am not ready for a big slanging match and more importantly the impact on my son. Feeling very empty inside that another human being could treat their own child this way and be such a nasty and vindictive person. I probably won't see my boy again for Christmas but then again he would not allow me for Easter or Mother's day. So to walk away or not? I think I need more time?

Many states have meditation - here, it's a required step before going to court, and most couples are able to work visitation out, etc. in mediation, without ever going further. The focus of mediation is always what's in the best interest of the child, not the petty fights people sometimes want to get into.

You can look into Legal Services, as well - that's a nonprofit in many cities that provides free or low-cost legal representation.

I hope you choose not to walk away from your child, but only you know what you're capable of at this time.

[cookie5]

I left him last year after along time of emotional abuse. Continual put downs name calling, even his tone of voice and the way he looked at me. Throughout my life their have been periods of drug abuse and he is aware of this. Only as I felt I could tell him this and trust him. How wrong I was!,and Mind you he is no saint either.I have suffered from anxiety and depression since early 07 which began from a sporting injury and the stress of wanting to leave him became incredible. Oh and the endless put downs of attending gym never stopped yet it's something I have always loved.However eventually he said one last thing to me and I said that's it, it's over!
About 2wks later I had a panic attack and then could see I was suffering anxiety due to stress. So up crossed some missue of alcohol and off to rehab I went then my mother committed suicide early this year. To top it all off I am now in a relationship with an aquaintance of his which I AM very happy about however the ex thinks I had an affair! WRONG! Furthermore the ex hates him which however was never a problem before as they would have drinks together.In all of the years I was with my ex partner his contributions to both of my children my other child having a disability (previous relationship) has been minimal to none. He has dictated terms and conditions on when I can see my son and that I can not have my now boyfriend with me when my son is with me. Something kind of pathetic considering this rough time I've had with only my boyfriend support as my own family have found my mothers death hard too. I also have to then mention he has not encouraged a relationship for my son with my disabled child and my son loves her and misses her and tells me often. She is unable to express that she loves her brother as not verbal yet it is visably seen in her eyes and they way my son thinks and cares for her is adorable and beautiful.
He (ex)is unwilling to mediate and unwilling to be reasonable. I now dont want to call my son as he sits in the background telling my son "Tell Mummmy this tell Mummy that" and I feel that is a breach on my sons own independence to speak and feel freely. He has just has not encouraged my relationship with my son or my son's with me as he is, I presume just angry I left. He does not believe he has emotionally abused me nor that he still does. On several occasions he has told me I should just do what my mother did and that I'd be and everyone else would be better off. Now I dont feel he has the right to do that to me or anyone for that matter and that crushs. Does he not realises that at the end of the day he is talking about my Mother who gave me life?. His behaviour towards my son and the way I believe he is using him disgusts me. As I am feeling quite angry and hurt with the whole situation I feel I just need to wait a little longer of the right decision. I know he will subpoena all my health records etc and I guess my life. I dont feel that necessary nor to that I should have to rehash everything, not only that I dont feel I could cope with that. But more importantly for my son to have to speak with lawyers etc etc and to go through the whole court thing I think is to much for a boy his age, not only that the impact on him later on down the track. I do not wish to speak badly of him and can so easily but I do have an understanding of the type of person he is. From his age he has grown up in a time where the man goes to work and the woman stays in the kitchen. That sums it up for you. His Father physically abused his mother and he witnessed this, yet still does not hold a high opinion of women nor for racial or cultural differences. To add on his past his Mother stayed with him with the opinion (For the sake of the children).If I think about this for the sake of the children to continually witness the abuse, really how have then the children been saved. If I look at my family history parents divorced, my mother mum chose to be gay,(sorry I dont like the term lesbian) and gay sounds well HAPPY! It was very hard for me coping through the divorce and blaming myself as a child so I have an understanding an appreciation of my son's position. My parents didn't drag us through court they just explained it and asked us who we wanted to live with. A tough decision but I respect Mum and Dad for that and happy I had the choice as I think a court situation at my then young age would of been confronting confusing, impacting scary and perhaps given a wrong outcome.