Single vs. in Relationship: The Grass is Always Greener?

[Joe826]

I'm having a seriously frustrating problem as of late. I'm met my girlfriend several years ago, and we were in a relatively committed relationship for a little more than two years. In May I broke up with her because I felt like there was alot I still wanted to do in life. I'm 23 now, and hadn't been single since I was probably 16. On top of that, there were a few issues with the relationship that were tough to work out (she's very religious, I'm not. potential kid problems, etc.)

Well I used my time as a single man wisely. I moved down to Las Vegas, had lots of experiences I've always wanted to have, and then went and traveled Europe by myself for two months. All in all, even though the break-up hurt both of us, it was something I was glad I did.

While I was in Europe, I decided that the past several months had been good for me, but I still really loved her and she loved me, so I came to the conclusion that I had done what I needed to do, and now I could settle down with her and get married and all would be well. While I was in Europe, I was 100% sure this is what I wanted.

So fast forward to today. I've been back about a month and we've been together the entire time, discussing marriage, etc. It's been going pretty well, but all of the sudden I'm starting to feel like I did before I broke up with her in the first place! I know I have a selective memory and am thinking about only the good times when we were apart, and not all the times I was missing her. I not only envision an awesome single life (and I know my visions are unrealistic), but the religious issues are becoming more of a problem.

I'm really stuck here. I don't want to sabotage myself or throw away a great relationship, but I feel like I can't commit to marriage when I have these thoughts on my mind. Can anyone relate? Any advice?

[pi11]

Ask yourself, do you love her enough that you are willing to sign legal documents?!

All I can suggest is that think about it. Try to envision how your life would be if you decide to marry / not marry. I personally think that this is a huge step and should not be taken lightly. If there is any doubt in your mind about your commitment to the union, then you should not just ignore it. The doubt is there, because something else is not settled. Think about it with a cool, calm and collected mind. The fact that you felt the need to post about it is a sign that you need to spend even more time thinking about it before you take the plunge.

EDIT: The religious disconnect is an important one to investigate. Right now it may not seem like much, but later on issues may arise that you both feel strongly about. For example, when it comes to children and their education!

[/my 2 ¢]

[Savage]

I highly recommend picking up a copy of Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay by Mira Kirshenbaum. It's a fantastic book for diagnosing complex relationship issues when you're feeling ambivalent about what to do.

[Dating Specialist]

Hi Joe

I'm curious. You're only 23 years old, which sounds like you're still very much pretty young to need to settle down?

I mean, what is stopping you from having a relationship AND going on to do what you like to do in life concurrently?

Is your girlfriend in any way an obstacle to you achieving your life goals? Have you two communicated well and clear what you want to do in life (besides the stuff about marriage)?

I feel that in order for a couple to be ready to settle down and get married, there are tons of issues to be communicated, accepted and understood before you move on to that stage in life.

Life at 23 still boasts of so much uncertaintly and possibilities, but it'll certainly be great if you two can progress and move on as a couple, with shared visions, goals and purpose. But if one party is impeding the other, shoudln't you take time out to discuss about these and come to a mutual agreement before you talk about marriage?

Lastly, religious conflicts needs extra care to handle. It'd be good to go for a marriage preparation course (if her religion offers one) so that you two can take a good hard look at them before you sign the papers.

All the best to you Joe.

[John Hill]

Joe,

You are only 23 years old man, you don't even need to make a decision. It seems like you are keen on this girl but seem to be putting yourself under pressure to make some sort of commitment. Why? You said so yourself, you are not ready to commit to marriage. If she is pressuring you, it's time you told her the truth. I think you want her but also want to be single, only time will tell but from experience the single life will win until you find the girl you really want to be with. It's a hard call mate but you know what you have to do.

John

[Joe826]

Originally Posted by Steve Pavlina

I highly recommend picking up a copy of Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay by Mira Kirshenbaum. It's a fantastic book for diagnosing complex relationship issues when you're feeling ambivalent about what to do.

Thanks for the recommendation. I saw it got great reviews on Amazon as well, so I went out and bought it yesterday. Seems great so far.

[Joe826]

Thanks for replying everyone. Here's an added bonus to the situation that I initially left out. She's really religious, and therefore doesn't want to have sex before marriage. I don't feel like it's my place to pressure her to go against her beliefs, and yet I don't want to be in a long-term relationship where there is no sex. I just feel like that's not really a relationship.

So i'm faced with trying to make a decision relatively quickly. Ideally I'd be able to put things on hold and just continue the relationship until things seemed perfectly right, but that might be months or years down the road, and a sexless relationship is just too frustrating to continue indefinitely. I actually think, whether or I realize it or not, the fact that she doesn't want to have sex makes me resent her a bit. I know I get upset about it sometimes.

OTOH, I don't want to make a mistake and throw away a great relationship that might possibly make me happy for the rest of my life. It's just I'm not sure I'm done being single yet. What I'm really wondering is if that's normal? Will I always have the desire to be single in the back of my mind when considering marriage?

[Dating Specialist]

Oh, now that makes sense for the hurry.

So you mean you're basing your decision to get married solely because of the license to have sex?

I'm apalled... In this case, do you want to have sex with her because you love her or because you just have to have sex to release your high libido?

[Joe826]

Originally Posted by Dating Specialist

So you mean you're basing your decision to get married solely because of the license to have sex?

I figured something like this would come up. The question is obviously NO. If I was doing that, wouldn't I just get married straight away? Right now I'm just trying to set sex aside and make the best decision I can, but I can't pretend like sex doesn't influence my thoughts on the relationship.

Forgive me for not wanting to be a in a long-term relationship where sex isn't shared . I view it as a very important part of any intimate relationship.

[Dating Specialist]

Originally Posted by Joe826

I figured something like this would come up. The question is obviously NO. If I was doing that, wouldn't I just get married straight away? Right now I'm just trying to set sex aside and make the best decision I can, but I can't pretend like sex doesn't influence my thoughts on the relationship.

Forgive me for not wanting to be a in a long-term relationship where sex isn't shared . I view it as a very important part of any intimate relationship.

Well I respect your views towards this aspect. So have you found out why your girlfriend is not going for pre-marital sex? I mean, I know she's like this because of her religion, what I mean is have you asked enough questions to understand her point of view towards this issue?

[zeroone]

Well Joe, this is a tough one.
I would like to share with you something one of my teachers told me one time:
Relationships are built on values.
Someone who has beliefs so strong like that will probably keep them for the rest of their life.
From my experience dating people with different morals, it's very hard. Every decision you will try to make, she will probably oppose it, and vice-versa. And if you plan to have kids, it will be harder because she will want to raise them a certain way and you another. In other words, if you want to play a long life game of tug of war, stay in this relationship.