Breaking up negative thought patterns

[LordSappington]

I've noticed lately that I've fallen into a nasty cycle of negative thought patterns, and I can't seem to break out of it.

The background: I met a girl and got her phone number. She seemed really interested in me at the time and found me on Facebook on her own account, and also seems to be talking to her friends about me. We tried to schedule a date a while ago, but I couldn't do it because of my crazy schedule, and she suggested another time, which I couldn't do because I was out of town. I called her a few days ago and left a message on her phone, but I haven't heard back.

So, all in all, it seems like I'm in a good position to be in, but all I can think about is the bad things. I wonder whether she was misleading me. Or if she decided that someone else was better. Or that she was purposely ignoring me because she was angry at me. The vast majority of girls I've dated before have done these things, with many of them lying to me or canceling at the last minute, so I think part of me suspects she's doing the same, although I have no real good reason to believe this about her. Logically, my mind says that she's probably just busy and will call me in a few days, but I can't seem to get these negative ideas out of my head. Does anyone know of a good method?

[TonyToneTone]

Just send her a text message and get it cleared up.

"Want to (insert whatever you like)?"

[LordSappington]

See, the problem isn't that I don't know what to do with her. I already think I have that under control. The problem is that my brain is almost obsessive that she's going to reject me, which not only makes me anxious throughout the day but also is somewhat setting me up for failure. These thoughts really are obsessive and sometimes come out of nowhere. For example, at the grocery store, my inner monologue would go: "Let's see, Jon-a-Gold apples for $1.50 a lb, I'll get maybe 8 or 10 of those, and that should cost about... I wonder why that girl never called me back. She's probably faking interest in me for some reason. She's never calling me back. This just isn't going anywhere...."

[Cristal Lilly]

(btw about the girl.. my money would be on that she's now trying to preserve her dignity by not being too eager about you since you were the one unavailable two times so far. I could be wrong but usually when I see this situation it is fixed if the person in your situation just shows a bit extra interest than he'd normally do.)

ok, now that i got that bracket out of my system, I can move on to the thoughts. see, the good thing is that you catch it from the start. that's usually the most difficult part for me. what I do is, when I catch it, I say to myself 'no. f*** you, voice. F*** you with a capital f.' (I'm more efficient with dealing with it when I curse and perceive the voice as something to stand up to and defeat, not as this flaw of mine)

I then go on and counter whatever was the negative thought with an opposite positive thought or a positive thought that's adressing the root of the negative one. it doesn't take straight away, it feels ridiculous at first. the key is to chant it in my head like a mantra. the voice usually gets alarmed by that and changes its approach and starts with all the buts, except I blitzkrieg it before it finishes the sentence. ha. no buts.
so basically, I give the voice a stern talking to. and chant positive thoughts in my head consistently, consciously, deliberately and stubbornly until they're the only ones filling my head.

I don't know if this is the sanest approach to this, but it works for me most of the time lately..though I'm a particularly stubborn and messed up girl, you as someone saner might want a more sane approach than going to war. just trying to help.

[wellbeing]

I've used a variation of Cristal Lily's method (I'm not much of a swearer or shouter) from time to time and I can say I've found that stopping the spiral before it starts does have its benefits at times.

However, I wonder if you might benefit from examining these moments in the name of self-learning. When these thoughts appear, can you detach enough emotionally from their content to explore these beliefs? What do you mean when you think this? What will that get you by having these thoughts? Is that what you want to achieve? Where did you learn this belief? Can you remember the first (or earlier) time you experienced this belief? Or this feeling? How did creating this belief help you at that time? Do you still get this (or a better benefit) from having this belief now? etc.

I would, in following my own "prescription," examine the reality of my belief: "Why would she go to the trouble of 'faking an interest' in me? To what end? Does that really benefit her?" [and let me interject that I would strongly suggest that blaming someone for the misdeeds of others might be a habit you might not want to get into] "Do I want to be involved with a woman who 'fakes' anything? And so what, if she doesn't call? What's the worst thing that can happen if she doesn't call? Really? Can I live with that?"

I have found it helpful to "lower the stakes" a bit when dating. One of the ways I've done this is by refusing to label any undesirable outcome as "rejection" but instead as an opportunity to learn something. Or as a "mismatch of agendas." For instance, she may have, on her list of qualities for her Ideal Mate, "available" (or "instant gratification" or whatever) which was not satisfied in your post. You might have on your list of qualities something like "understanding" (or "can accomodate 'crazy' schedules" etc.) It's nothing personal on either of your parts; it doesn't make either of you bad in any way. It's just that you're both looking for things that the other isn't able to give. (Anymore than you'd be able to--to pick an absurd example--if she had on her list "Female". You see?)

I've gone on for long enough but let me leave you with one of my favourite sayings: "Only a rug benefits from a good beating." Remember, this is dating; we do it for fun.

[Lauxa]

I use my negative affirmations technique. My theory is that the brain ignores "not" so as long as you put what you want at the end of your sentence, it doesn't matter if you throw in a "not". The trick is to follow up with a visualization of what it would be like without the "not".

So for instance, you are thinking "she's not going to call me back" then you notice that "going to call me back" is at the end of the sentence so you launch off into a visualization of her calling you back and having a wonderful conversation.

Or you think "she's ignoring me on purpose", so now you have to come up with the opposite of this like "she's not busy" or "she didn't forget to check her phone message" and then you do your visualization of these alternate scenarios.

Well, it's really like Crystal Lilly's method, a mantra or whatever, except that when the voice is throwing up "buts" it's reverse psychology... the voice is having to protest that what I actually want to be true but am saying is not true actually is true. Hah! Take that, voice!

[TonyToneTone]

Originally Posted by LordSappington

See, the problem isn't that I don't know what to do with her. I already think I have that under control. The problem is that my brain is almost obsessive that she's going to reject me, which not only makes me anxious throughout the day but also is somewhat setting me up for failure. These thoughts really are obsessive and sometimes come out of nowhere. For example, at the grocery store, my inner monologue would go: "Let's see, Jon-a-Gold apples for $1.50 a lb, I'll get maybe 8 or 10 of those, and that should cost about... I wonder why that girl never called me back. She's probably faking interest in me for some reason. She's never calling me back. This just isn't going anywhere...."

Just play in your head exactly how you would like it to go. You text her, she responds, you make plans, meet up, however you would like the meeting to go, however you would like it to end. Focus only on that.

[TonyToneTone]

Originally Posted by LordSappington

See, the problem isn't that I don't know what to do with her. I already think I have that under control. The problem is that my brain is almost obsessive that she's going to reject me, which not only makes me anxious throughout the day but also is somewhat setting me up for failure. These thoughts really are obsessive and sometimes come out of nowhere. For example, at the grocery store, my inner monologue would go: "Let's see, Jon-a-Gold apples for $1.50 a lb, I'll get maybe 8 or 10 of those, and that should cost about... I wonder why that girl never called me back. She's probably faking interest in me for some reason. She's never calling me back. This just isn't going anywhere...."

Just play in your head exactly how you would like it to go. You text her, she responds, you make plans, meet up, however you would like the meeting to go, however you would like it to end. Focus only on that.

You can focus on the end result or replay the entire process to yourself.