How to re-ignite romance after a break up/being dumped?

[TektonikShift]

"Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source."
Anaïs Nin

I think the question in the title may come through to many as provocative, or at least childish, a waste of time, inexperienced, immature... impossible! No matter how hard you try and how many approaches you attempt, social norms, behavior, unwritten rules and the experience of most people alive seem to suggest that whenever a romantic relationship ends, it will hardly ever return to life.

I am 22, male, a college student, and I recently re-discovered some inspiring books that I read while at high school and living with my parents. Just some basic, introductory, books about NLP that were enough to overwhelmingly improve the quality of my life, especially at studies, but also in thinking beyond societal differences when relating to other people.

I browsed through some of the pages shortly after my girlfriend dumped me and, in a blast of inspiration, wondered whether all the optimistic methods hailed in NLPs' and other similar concepts/attitudes/philosophies of self-improvement I am aware of (e.g. Law of Attraction) are actually as powerful to re-ignite romance between two people who broke up (or one of whom dumped the other), and to bring them back together.

While my immense inspiration is battling against experience, rationality, common sense, awareness of social norms (and everything I expressed in the first paragraph), I am a person who will experiment before drawing conclusions.

In theory, law of attraction emphasizes that good expectations will lead to good outcomes. In theory, positive communication with rapport, well-tailored speech patterns and anchoring good feelings can help eliminate or at least reframe bad ones (e.g. if the ex-partner associates you with bad memories). In theory, flexible communication can pierce through resistance and mismatchers (e.g. when one of the parties insists on severing the relationship forever, or is convinced that the grass is greener elsewhere).

How can we apply those concepts (and others you might know of – not only NLP and LOA!) in practice, especially when much of the outcome will also depend on what goes on in the mind of the other person and on the people surrounding that person?

If you know any case studies or have any personal experiences in which you managed to take full responsibility and act in order to truly bring back romance after a break up, feel free to share them!

Thank you! :-)

[TektonikShift]

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I hope I am not too quick to jump to wrong conclusions if I say that my optimism on this subject is not shared, especially with 0 (zero) replies after 92 views.

Seems to be a quite difficult issue then.

In case it helps or could trigger further discussion or ideas, let me depict my problem more specifically:
The reasons for our break up were communication problems. She didn't tell me until the end that she was finding it annoying that I am always "mysterious". On one day, I was somehow in a bad mood and was very distracted, even when talking to her, even when we were about to make love... I was totally somewhere else in my thoughts. She misunderstood my extreme distraction/out-of-mindedness as something I did on purpose to annoy her...
Ever since, she strictly believes that I am "like that, and I can't do anything about it". She insists that I cannot change, so I don't even know whether by changing I can achieve a positive outcome...
It seems that whatever I try to say she resists and thinks that "things simply cannot work between us".

How could I try to work on that kind of mindset she is enduring?

Basically I am asking... how can I behave in a way so that she changes her negative impressions about me?

[LordSappington]

I would give her up. It is likely that there are many other reasons she broke up with you that she's not telling you, and this mystery thing is either the straw that broke the camel's back or the most concrete thing she could think of as a justification. There are no doubt many, many more reasons, many of which I doubt she even can concretely describe herself... it just feels wrong to her. If she seriously wanted you to change, she would've brought it up much, much earlier in the relationship and you could have had an honest discussion about it. But she didn't, and now you're surprised and somewhat hurt. That's love for you.

The question you have to ask yourself is what have you learned from this? Was she right about you being distant? How could have better communication on your part improved the outcome? I suspect the relationship is pretty much done for, and you should use this experience as a reason to grow as a person. The question to ask yourself is not, "How can I change to make her love me?" but rather, "How can I change to make myself a better person?" regardless of whether she loves me or not.

[TektonikShift]

Well, I already asked the latter question many times; actually every time I had a break up in the past.
Every time I had any sort of conflict with a person , I did my best to change myself, to grow up and become someone better so that I didn't repeat the same problem again.

But I hoped that by using NLP, LOA, and all other "mind tools" we could also do things that would have been impossible otherwise :P Apparently not...?

P.S.: Well, if she's hiding something from me, can't I use some technique to elicit the other true reasons she broke up for?

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by TektonikShift

Well, if she's hiding something from me, can't I use some technique to elicit the other true reasons she broke up for?

You could try some Veritaserum in her tea

[TektonikShift]

Oh come on... are you all telling me there is absolutely no solution to this kind of scenario?

[LordSappington]

Originally Posted by TektonikShift

Oh come on... are you all telling me there is absolutely no solution to this kind of scenario?

To some extent, yes. NLP is good for meeting people, building up rapport, and becoming a better socializer. It always struck me as a list of useful tricks that people with social skills use subconsciously. It's good for getting you into the door, but once that happens, the relationship should be able who you are.

Your ex-girlfriend has decided that who you are is not who she wants in her life currently. It most likely has something to do with you. Maybe you're too closed off. But it also has something to do with her, and it's very unlikely you'll ever figure out her problem, since she is probably struggling on defining it for herself. Do you really think you can show a side of yourself that will wow her now? And if so, why didn't you do it earlier? She'll certainly be wondering that, and I suspect if you think of that answer, you may understand why the relationship is most likely over. I'm not saying it's your fault, but relationships are about *two* people, and if one person just isn't feeling it anymore, a tremendous effort by the other person can't really fix that.

[jfrancis]

Originally Posted by TektonikShift

P.S.: Well, if she's hiding something from me, can't I use some technique to elicit the other true reasons she broke up for?

Have you asked her to elaborate? These "mind tools" as you call them (which, just for the record, sounds creepy) are no substitute for good communication in a relationship.
If you really want to know, and if you really desire a relationship with this person, I would work on the communication. Ask...without expecting any outcome.
And if she tells you that she wants you to change x, really ask yourself if that is something you don't like about yourself. What I am saying is that it is fine and well to be flexible and open change, but don't do it just to please someone else. Conversely, I wouldn't try to use mind tools to bend someone else to your will. Be your own person, walk your own path, you'll have a better chance attracting someone who is content to walk by your side.

[TektonikShift]

Look... I am already quite familiar with that kind of reasoning. I have been through several break-ups already... I tagged NLP et al. with the catch-all term "mind tools" simply because it was the first word that came into my mind

So what all of you are saying is that NLP works only with new people, to seduce women who barely know you, but not on people whom you have already established emotions and a personal history with?
That's pretty sad... Actually the books I read gave a different impression. Is there really really really no way to build on/"reframe" negative emotions into good ones and thereby circumvent all the "traditional" relationship norms?

She didn't elaborate. She just said she feels that way, has too many confused thoughts, but is sure that I cannot change. That I am "just the way I am". As I said, quite adamantly resistant. She has taken those decisions, ok, but I am pretty sure there has either been some misunderstanding, or - as some of you suggested - she is not revealing all the reasons for dumping me.
If only I could somehow find out these reasons...

[LordSappington]

She is likely telling the truth about being confused. She probably doesn't know all the reasons herself. She just knows things aren't feeling right, but she doesn't know why. If you want to find out the reasons, you're going to have to wait quite a while until she sorts them out for herself. It's been my experience that takes months or even years sometimes. I don't think you can re-frame negative emotions in this context. You can apologize for things you've done, but it's hard to apologize for something when you don't know what you did, and if she just feels like the two of you aren't clicking anymore, it's impossible to apologize for just being yourself. I don't think there's any reliable way to push her towards liking you in the same way again. Love is a very confusing and unpredictable experience, so anything you try to do is likely to give unforseen consequences.

[stealth87]

The relationship ended because it was not going well. I am truly curious as to why you want to get back together.

Relationships are like a dance; it takes two to tango. You might spend all day intending for the other person to love you, but it is futile. It is not your responsibility to have her open up to you.

You are only responsible for what you do, for your gift to her. If what you want is to get back together, then it is up to you to take action. You can open your heart and give your love in this way, coming from a place of integrity and wholeness. This is the only way to allow the romance to come back in.

Her response is completely up to her. Bear in mind that your intent is strong, but her free-will is stronger. Respect her decision and act accordingly. If you truly love her, then you will be able to let her go just as much as you want her to be with you.

Un abrazo,
Diego

[TektonikShift]

Thank you guys. The point is, I already know these kinds of replies... That's really what I would have done if I didn't know about the existence of NLP/Hypnosis/EFT/Law of Attraction/Tai Chi/everything else/...
They just don't sound very... NLP-ish/technical, from the explanations to the solutions Don't know whether you understand what I mean.

Anyway, she did list a few things that she said she doesn't like about me...
- the fact that I always apologyze/"say sorry" for everything, even the silliest mistakes
- the fact that I sometimes skip answering some of her questions (I usually did this hoping it makes things more mysterious and thus intrigueing, but apparently it annoyed her...), saying "Oh, one day you'll know.", "Perhaps I'll tell you...".
Note: this is something I really did thinking it was a technique to increase the effect of surprising her. One problem though is that I sometimes waited too long to surprise her...
- the fact that I often wait until she decides (on that specific day, I let her decide everything, even the meal we ate, which restaurant to go to, etc.) or say "You decide.", "Anything is OK for me", etc.
- the fact that once we went on a trip and I was totally uncoordinated, disorganized on that day; she probably generalized this...

My own analysis is that perhaps I was not authoritarian enough, and perhaps she read into each of my action that I am a "people-pleaser" and try to hide it with excuses.
If that is the impression she has about me in her mind (and she seems to believe really really stongly in it), what can I do to change it...?

The traditional answer will probably be: by not being a people-pleaser and learning how to be less insecure and more confident, authoritarian, etc.
But success might not be guaranteed... Is there really no NLP-shortcut, as in for speed seduction and all those other things everyone seems to use so successfully?

[Steliana]

The best you could do is just be you - and not try to implement any other techniques... or laws.
It simply doesn't work. Or not in relationships. Maybe she is confused because she is not sure who the real you is. You are giving her mixed messages by trying to follow protocols.

[LordSappington]

Originally Posted by TektonikShift

The traditional answer will probably be: by not being a people-pleaser and learning how to be less insecure and more confident, authoritarian, etc.
But success might not be guaranteed... Is there really no NLP-shortcut, as in for speed seduction and all those other things everyone seems to use so successfully?

No, there is no easy solution. Self-improvement is a lot more than trickery. You'll notice that many of those people who profess speed seduction are miserable people who can't sustain long-term relationships. Trickery may work at first, but apparently your purposeful coyness with your girlfriend ended up backfiring. In the long term, relationships are about what kind of person you are and all that trickery just gets in the way.

[jfrancis]

Originally Posted by TektonikShift

She just said she feels that way, has too many confused thoughts, but is sure that I cannot change. That I am "just the way I am". As I said, quite adamantly resistant. She has taken those decisions, ok, but I am pretty sure there has either been some misunderstanding, or - as some of you suggested - she is not revealing all the reasons for dumping me.
If only I could somehow find out these reasons...

The girl is confused! She has given you all you need to know. She probably doesn't even know the real reasons herself, and I don't see how you are going to help the matter. Do you really care about her? Let her be. Let her work it out- if you remain open to her, maybe she'll figure it out and come back to you. Maybe not. I don't know all that much about NLP, I'll be honest, so help me out: How do you see it working for you in this situation? Maybe you can illicit some kinds of change that way. But when you are dealing with someone who is "resistant" I would say you are barking up the wrong tree. Accept reality for what it is, and work with what you've got in front of you.

[Alexjstrandberg]

Originally Posted by TektonikShift

The traditional answer will probably be: by not being a people-pleaser and learning how to be less insecure and more confident, authoritarian, etc.
But success might not be guaranteed... Is there really no NLP-shortcut, as in for speed seduction and all those other things everyone seems to use so successfully?

No there is no short cut or easy way to become more confident and not be a people pleaser. It took you x number of years to become who you are today and it won't take a five minute a day exercise to change who you have become.

The few success that people have using short cuts have the placebo effect going on. Anything worth having in life doesn't come easy.

You were aloof with her and demonstrated a lot of nice guy behaviors like apologizing and not taking the lead.

Aloof doesn't work in relationships. It works in attracting a woman but it's fake aloof if you are doing it to get women more attracted to you. It's the art of caring about not caring. Being aloof with a reason.

Aloof behavior pretending to be confident will draw in the same type of girls. They will be aloof or be riddled with a couple of emotional issues.

On apologizing:

Unless you intentionally did something to upset her don't apologize. To know if you did something "wrong" you need to know if you stuck to your core values like honesty and integrity. If your honest answer upsets her, don't apologize because her being upset is not about you. It's about her inability to handle the truth.

Saying sorry is a habit that you need to overcome. Be aware of it and stop yourself before the words leave your mouth.

On leading:

THE ONLY PERSON YOU CAN EVER LEAD IS YOURSELF. This is very key to keep in mind when you developing the masculine leadership side of yourself.

When you try to get others to follow, you are basically asking them if it’s ok with them if you took control of the situation. You are essentially looking to them to let you lead.

When this happens THEY are the ones who are in the lead because at any time they can stop letting you lead and do their own thing.

A TRUE LEADER leads without needing any follows. He doesn’t mind if people go in the direction that HE CHOOSES but he DOESN’T NEED them to because he would do it anyways.

He knows what he wants in life and doesn’t care if people want to go down that direction. He doesn’t manipulate or control them into going where he wants to go, he simply goes WITHOUT PERMISSION from others.

A true leader goes without the approval of the pack. It takes courage and strength to push beyond group mentality because as humans we fear losing approval of others (it’s hardwired into us). Ironically, this type of leading will get people to follow you the most.

In order to properly lead you MUST first KNOW where you want to go in life. You must know what it is you want to accomplish. Without that knowledge it is doubtful you will ever get anywhere-you will end up wondering the sea without a port for an eternity.

Here is an exercise to develop leadership:

Next time you are in a group of people or with a friend and you want to cross the street or go into a store, DONT say anything and just do it. Don’t look back to see if they follow you, just keep walking.
If they don’t follow you become comfortable with the uneasiness that comes when you stray from the group.

Take this exercise and do it ALL of the time. When you are at a club and you want to dance, just go dance without asking anyone else or checking to see what everyone else is doing.

Apply the reverse as well. If a girl or your friends want you to go dancing with them but you don’t really want to, DON’T.

On insecurities:

"I am enough" that affirmation will help you get out of your head when dealing with your insecurities. The mind is an insecurity producing machine. It will continue to produce fears and doubts regardless of what you do.

The best way is to get out of your head. That affirmation will help you get out of your head and relax. Try it out next time you feel insecure.

I am enough is the opposite of insecurity. It means that I am complete and whole just the way I am. I don't need anything outside of myself including approval, validation etc.

This affirmation will help greatly with your neediness.

Fears and insecurities go hand and hand. Figure out what you are still scared of and conquer them. The only way around a fear is through it. You can't think or NLP your way around a fear. Get some courage and handle your fears.

Your confidence will dramatically improve with every fear that you push through.

As well, speed seduction is a cute band aid for the problem, not a real solution. It will cover up your insecurities and your issues for a while but it will never truly fix them.

[TektonikShift]

Wow, this is a really wonderful post. Thank you.

But I have to disappoint you again by saying that the following...

Next time you are in a group of people or with a friend and you want to cross the street or go into a store, DONT say anything and just do it. Don’t look back to see if they follow you, just keep walking.
If they don’t follow you become comfortable with the uneasiness that comes when you stray from the group.

Take this exercise and do it ALL of the time. When you are at a club and you want to dance, just go dance without asking anyone else or checking to see what everyone else is doing.

...is exactly what I do in normal life, when I am not with girls.
Sometimes people even say that I am rude because I always go without asking... sometimes I even disappear and reappear in the group without notice.

I do things without thinking that nobody else would have ever imagined.

However, it is difficult to do so when you already like a person and don't want to hurt her/loose her/etc. you know what I mean.
But apparently, I lost this girlfriend because I was not a leader in her presence...

What a strange and ironic reality.

Now, I don't expect to get her back really. The more I think forward, the more I believe that I can get more out of life by moving on... yet, I cannot just erase my emotional affinity towards her. I want to at least... "stay friends" with her, because I care for her and we also had fun together, apart from the romantic relationship...

Problem is that I am so used to being a "girlfriend-pleaser" with her, that I don't know what will happen if I do something... wrong?

[TektonikShift]

Originally Posted by Alexjstrandberg

The few success that people have using short cuts have the placebo effect going on. Anything worth having in life doesn't come easy.

I read some of your blog articles and understand what you mean.

However, when I am talking about NLP for example, I don't mean the placebo effect, but the general idea that the words you choose, the way you phrase a sentence can have a greater effect on a person than the message you are trying to convey.

I am talking about the structure of communication.

Let's say I want to make someone laugh about me.
For example, saying, "Please don't laugh!" is likely to make a person think about laughing, while "You won't take me seriously..." will not.

When I was talking about NLP, I mean these subtle differences in the choice of words and phrasing that can have completely different outcomes regardless of the message you are trying to convey someone.

...

So what I am planning in my specific case is to somehow choose the right words when talking to her again, so that everytime she thinks about something bad about me, I can make it good, make her laugh about it, make her happy, so that the laughter and happiness are greater than the disappointment or resentment she has towards me.

That's what I meant by using NLP.

[Alexjstrandberg]

ok, just so I'm reading you correctly, you want to reframe the bad experiences through NLP? The negative experiences being people pleaser, not answering questions.

do you still talk to her? how do those conversations go down? does she refuse to be friends with you or...?

When you mean "wrong" what exactly do you mean?

How do you think you would handle it if she found someone new? would you be able to take the new boy friend?

[TektonikShift]

That's exactly what I mean.

Negative experiences/impressions she has about me:
- people-pleaser attitude, child-like attitude (she said she wants mature MEN "who know what they want")
- being mysterious, not answering questions (though probably she thinks that this is also immature, or thinks that I didn't answer questions because I was insecure)
- getting distracted during sex..., probably making her very frustrated about it (I don't know why, on that day I was totally out of myself! I really can neither explain nor forgive myself for that situation. I love her a lot and yet I told I wanted to have lunch while we were about to make love after a long time of inactivity...)

She never contacted me since the day she criticised me for the first time. And I've lost some of the courage to talk to her again. She never used the exact words "break up", but "I am drawing my own path of life."...
I think I might need a few more days to get back into a good mood so that I can talk to her without being overwhelmed by emotions and anxiety again.

Originally Posted by Alexjstrandberg

When you mean "wrong" what exactly do you mean?

For example, all those mistakes I probably did out of distraction or anxiety or over-excitement, delirium.
I don't know whether they have anything to do with values and honesty, but the instincts that come unannounced. It's like doing a speech in front of a million people for the first time, you may have prepared everything and know what you want to say, but you are so overwhelmed by the "public speaking fear" that you actually say everything wrong, answer nonsense when someone in the audience asks you a question, etc.
A girlfriend has nothing to do with public speaking, but I think that quite often I had this kind of instincts whenever I wanted to impress her or was scared that I might not "behave the right way" in order to make her happy. And when I say "behave the right way" I don't mean moral decisions, but, for example, the color of my shirt (what will impress her most?), the food I choose, the correct sex position or technique to use, etc...

Originally Posted by Alexjstrandberg

How do you think you would handle it if she found someone new? would you be able to take the new boy friend?

In that case I have few chances I guess. I would let her live her own life, let her make her own decisions. Yet, I would want her to understand that any of the misunderstandings that took place between the two of us were caused by the fact that I liked her a lot and sometimes got too distracted due to my overanalysis/anxieties/excitement.
Generally, I can't stand it when people stop talking to each other because of mere misunderstandings.
If she likes someone else, ok. I accept and respect that. But if she resents me for something I never meant to do to her, that's what I want to clarify (but I also want to make sure that she believes me, so I must choose the right moment).
If she still likes the other guy after sincerely accepting what I told her and believing it, then I can have peace in my mind.

What I am trying to do is simply reconciliate with her, so that at least we can "stay friends" (and I mean real friends, not just acquaintances). I value her a lot as a person as well, and enjoyed her company also from a non-romantic perspective (talking with her about science, philosophy, current affairs... she was the best conversation partner I probably had in my life).

[Brutha]

That's pretty sad... Actually the books I read gave a different impression. Is there really really really no way to build on/"reframe" negative emotions into good ones and thereby circumvent all the "traditional" relationship norms?

Things like that are nothing that you can learn in a few days or weeks.

In addition you have a big problem with strategy. You want to use an NLP like approach and at the same time care about whether misunderstanding or something other have ended the relationship.
One of the keys of NLP is to see everything as feedback and take responsibility for the results that you are producing.
I don't think that NLP is the only possible way to achieve results, but when you want to succeed in applying it you have to act accordingly.

If she still likes the other guy after sincerely accepting what I told her and believing it, then I can have peace in my mind.

No, whether you have peace in your mind is all about yourself and you are entirely responsible for having peace with yourself.
That the area where you should use NLP if you want to use it. You won't have success with using NLP techniques on other people if you don't have that mental peace, since you will have emotions and body language that make you look fake and not honest.

You can't consciously control 100+ muscles in your body to get the "right" body language without feeling the emotions that naturally trigger that body language.

[TektonikShift]

I agree with everything Brutha, and thanks for reminding me some of the basic assumptions of NLP.

But here...

Originally Posted by Brutha

No, whether you have peace in your mind is all about yourself and you are entirely responsible for having peace with yourself.

...I actually meant "peace of mind" in the sense of my satisfaction with the outcome.

Outcome 1: She understands and accepts everything I say, yet she prefers the other guy because despite everything, he is better than me in meeting her romantic needs.
---> I can understand that, and I'm fine with that.

Outcome 2: For some reasons she doesn't even tell me (or doesn't even know herself), she totally misunderstood my past behavior, and doesn't want to believe me that I am actually different from the person whom she experienced in the past.
For example, when I say, "Sorry I was really distracted on that day. I was so excited about your reaction that I didn't act spontaneously and because of that I probably gave you the impression that I don't care for you." she might think that I'm only inventing an excuse...

Actually, the last time we spoke it seemed like anything I said, she thought it was just an excuse, and not the truth...
---> There is something wrong with the communication, and I would try to change it so that she believes me.

[Brutha]

You somehow have the idea in your head that people act based completely on their understanding of an situation.

Large parts of your own body language, voice tonality etc are driven by unconscious processes and by emotions.
Most decisions whether made by males or females are also driven by emotions. People later rationalize decisions to think that their decisions were "rational" instead of "emotional" but that's another point.

For example, when I say, "Sorry I was really distracted on that day. I was so excited about your reaction that I didn't act spontaneously and because of that I probably gave you the impression that I don't care for you." she might think that I'm only inventing an excuse...

Actually that's what you are doing. You try to change her behavior by telling her an excuse.
You did something and got feedback. Your intentions don't matter as much as how your actions made her feel.
Rationalizing your actions through excuses won't help you.

If you try to excuse everything you also give the impression that you have a "people-pleaser attitude", which seems to be one of the reasons she left you.

...I actually meant "peace of mind" in the sense of my satisfaction with the outcome.

From a NLP perspective you got in both cases feedback.
In both cases your actions lead to her breaking up with you.

In your mind there a difference because you would somehow be less responsible for your results if they come about by something that you didn't intent.
You don't want to feel the responsibility for producing her negative emotions but want to feel that your excitement about her (which you see as a good quality) lead to her negative emotions.

[TektonikShift]

Originally Posted by Brutha

Actually that's what you are doing. You try to change her behavior by telling her an excuse.
You did something and got feedback. Your intentions don't matter as much as how your actions made her feel.
Rationalizing your actions through excuses won't help you.

But Brutha, I am sure, 100% sure, that at certain moments I did things and said things without ever meaning to do or say them... they just came out of my mouth and I could understand my mistake only retrospectively.
On that particular day I was stressed, I didn't have breakfast, had slept only 2 hours, so I honestly doubt that I was entirely responsible for my actions and words. However, I can say that I was responsible for not eating and sleeping properly, and if you're completely technical you could say that my carelessness for my own health automatically also made me responsible for making her feel bad.

What should I ask or do now, from an NLP perspective? "How can I make her feel good now?" ?
Adding my knowledge about her, "How can I make her feel good without being a people-pleaser or coming through as detached/aloof?"

P.S.: When I talked about "excitement about her" I meant fear/anxiety. You know, like the first time you make love. I don't think it's a good quality. At all. From a non-NLP perspective, I think that was the cause of making her feel bad.

P.P.S.: Are these NLP assumptions about responsibility actually relevant in this case? I think I was talking more about the linguistics aspect of NLP... Or are you saying that all assumptions must work together in order to get a proper outcome?

[Brutha]

You said that she said that she wants men "who know what they want".
If you don't give her the appearance that you are taking responsibility for your life she won't see you as a mature man who knows what he wants.
Children generally don't take responsibility for the results that their actions produce.

Now there might be some way of faking the appearance of taking responsibility, but it don't think that's the right way.

She thinks that you are responsible for the emotions that you produce in her. If you want to argue that her emotions are logically "wrong" you won't succeed.

P.P.S.: Are these NLP assumptions about responsibility actually relevant in this case? I think I was talking more about the linguistics aspect of NLP... Or are you saying that all assumptions must work together in order to get a proper outcome?

If you just change the words that come out of your mouth without changing your underlying attitude you will appear incongruent and you will be seen as trying to play games or being dishonest.

If you give the appearance that you take responsibility for your actions people around you will rather make decisions to depend on your actions.
Why should other people believe in your action or words, if you aren't sure of them yourself?
If you say "Feel happy!" and the other person completely believes in everything you say, he will feel happy.
Someone who doesn't believe you on the other hand won't feel happy because they have to take responsibility themselves for feeling happy.

Leadership is about taking responsibility. The goal of a language pattern is only to circumvent conscious objections to the way in which you want to lead another person.

A little story about responsibility:
In our last toastmaster meeting I was toastmaster of the evening and therefore had the role to lead the evening.
A mobile phone played some ring tone over 30+ seconds. It disrupted the evening and we paused for a moment to find the phone.
The owner of the phone turned it off and said: "I'm sorry that was my phone."

Afterwards I had to get back into leading the evening and said: "I'm sorry, it's my fault I should have told everyone at the beginning of the meeting to switch off their mobile phone."
You could make an argument that I wasn't responsible for the mobile phone but the phones owner.
Me taking responsibility brought me back into the center of attention and draw the attention away from the person whose mobile phone rang, which made it easier for me to continue to lead.
That also made the person who was embarrassed about the ringing of her phone feel better.

I also don't think that any person in the room was thinking bad about me because of it. They were rather thankful that I shifted the attention elsewhere.

That's what leadership is about, responsibility.
You seem to have a girlfriend that wants that you sometimes take leadership instead of a people pleasure.
Especially when it comes to the way you make her feel, you should take responsibility, because she doesn't want to be together with a boyfriend who doesn't take responsibility for the way he makes her feel.

Simply because you are her boyfriend, in her mind you are responsible for the way you make her feel. It's part of the relationship.

[TektonikShift]

I totally understand Brutha...

The point is I don't know what kind of responsibility she wants from me. When I am with other people I am quite responsible about my own actions and the situation.

But if she says, "I hate you when you always say 'sorry'..." doesn't that mean perhaps that she wants me to not take responsibility?

[Brutha]

Lets say she comes to you and says "Well yesterday I felt bad when you did X" you might respond like "Oh I'm sorry about yesterday, but now I owe you and have make this moment the most enjoyable possible for you."

But it isn't about the words in that sentence but about the leadership aspect.
Accepting that mistakes lead somewhere and have consequences instead of trying to explain mistakes away.

I know personally that behaving like that is hard and I don't behave often that way. It's however the way that human interaction works according to the NLP model.

Responsibility is about the ability to make mistakes and learn from the feedback that those mistakes produce like an adult.
When you say "sorry" it seems to her like you want to excuse your mistake.

Responsibility creates meaning in human interactions. If you totally believe that your words mean something and say "feel happy", it does something to other people.
When you are totally certain of the outcome and take full responsibility for your results "magic" can happen through NLP.
Otherwise you can learn patterns of words without doing much of anything.
Meaning creates emotions.

That way is hard. You probably won't be able to take full responsibility for everything in your life overnight.
You might still do something and be lucky that she still feels something for you.

The hard way also happens to be the road of personal development, the road of taking responsibility for your life.
Welcome.

[TektonikShift]

God, Brutha...

You don't know just how right you are and have been all the time.

I just realized that I took NLP as a model to solve everything. I just followed all the verbal instructions when chatting with her and... I think I thereby even gave the impression that I wasn't even listening to what she was actually saying.... which in fact I didn't understand... but I did as if I understood.

God... what a fool I have been...

God!