Spouses/live-ins, separate beds?

[pyrogen]

My situation is this...

Two weeks ago, my live-in partner and I got back together after being broken up for about a month and a half. During that time, we had separate rooms and slept apart.

He doesn't want to go back to sharing a bed full-time. He says he can't do it two nights in a row. Every other night is OK. He says he doesn't sleep well with me there because I'm not a good sleeping companion... wake him up, steal the covers etc. He says I end up in the middle of the bed with him being pushed to the edge, I flop all over him, crowd him in the bed, throw my arms and legs all over him in the night (when dead asleep).

He's not a good sleeping companion either, by his definition - he talks in his sleep, has nightmares, wakes up frequently in middle of night - but I put up with it because sleeping together is a very special experience for me. I still sleep better *with* him, then I do without. I'd rather put up with his talking in his sleep than not sleep with him. Actually, I don't sleep well WITHOUT him. I had severe insomnia before we got together.

He feels like he wants sleeping together to be special and something we invite each other to do, not something to take for granted.

This is a real sore spot between us.

I feel like the whole point of having a spouse/full time partner is so you can take sleeping together for granted.

A recent argument had to do with whether or not we were going to make love on our "sleep-apart" night. Last time previous, was a sleep-apart night. I actually stopped foreplay to ask if I was going to be staying in the bed afterward. I just couldn't go through with it until that was clarified, it felt totally wrong to me. I don't want to have sex if I'm not goin to share the bed afterward. I explained that I feel really vulnerable after sex and I will feel sad if I go off to my room. This kind of set off a bomb. He felt guilt-tripped out of his alone night, he felt manipulated. I feel like I'm not being emotionally connected with.

I work as a caregiver for three consecutive twenty four hour shifts, and so by his schedule, we only sleep together two nights a week.

[oBakasan]

Face it, he doesn't love you and is avoiding you for whatever reason.

Break up with him and move on.

[funchy]

Originally Posted by pyrogen

I feel like the whole point of having a spouse/full time partner is so you can take sleeping together for granted. .

I don't think you should take anything for granted from the other person.

He cites good reasons why the two of you don't sleep well together in the same bed. It sounds like sometimes he just can't get by on less-than-idea sleep. Why deny him a basic need such as sleep? It's kind of selfish to force him to lose sleep so you can feel better sleeping. Every other night sounds like a good compromise.

Is he a good guy otherwise? A satisfying relationship ? Then don't let this be a deal-breaker.

[Alexjstrandberg]

That's very strange but I think it's a symptom of a deeper problem. Ask your partner about it in a sincere, non-attacking sort of tone and get a feel for what's going on. Don't argue, just listen to what that person has to say.

After the conversation is done take a deep breath and think about the situation clearly. Ignore how you feel about the person and try to look at the situation as objectively as possible.

I talk in my sleep and am very restless. My girlfriend doesn't mind it because she loves me so much. As a result she has become a deeper sleeper and adapted to the situation the same way a person can get used to sleeping in a noisy city.

[SomeRandomGuy]

This is a topic I am very familiar with. I have been happily married for 10 years, and my wife and I have had separate bed (and bedrooms) for more than half of that time.

Deciding to sleep in separate beds is one of the best decisions we have made. We have such different wants/needs in a sleeping environment that it is just so much easier to sleep separately. I like keeping the windows open when the weather permits, she has allergies that don't permit that. I like sleeping with a feather pillow, they bother her allergies. She likes to fall asleep with the tv or radio on, I can't sleep with noise in the room.

People give us strange looks when they find out we do not sleep together, but it is natural to us. We both sleep much better this way, which means we feel better, which in turns is a good thing for our relationship. We even look for hotel rooms with 2 beds when we travel. We have only slept in the same bed a handful of times recently, and I never sleep very good when we do.

Obviously I can't know why your partner really wants to sleep separately, but I can say that it is not necessarily a negative thing. It works great in my relationship, and I think it could work well in others if people were willing to give it a chance. I believe there are a lot of people who would sleep better and feel better if they were only willing to look past the negative perceptions associated with separate sleeping quarters.

[The Cloud]

Maybe get two beds and put them right next to each other. That doesn't solve any peripheral problems, if such problems exist, but it might be just the right amount of separation and closeness for both of you.

[Doku]

Originally Posted by SomeRandomGuy

This is a topic I am very familiar with. I have been happily married for 10 years, and my wife and I have had separate bed (and bedrooms) for more than half of that time.

Deciding to sleep in separate beds is one of the best decisions we have made. We have such different wants/needs in a sleeping environment that it is just so much easier to sleep separately. I like keeping the windows open when the weather permits, she has allergies that don't permit that. I like sleeping with a feather pillow, they bother her allergies. She likes to fall asleep with the tv or radio on, I can't sleep with noise in the room.

People give us strange looks when they find out we do not sleep together, but it is natural to us. We both sleep much better this way, which means we feel better, which in turns is a good thing for our relationship. We even look for hotel rooms with 2 beds when we travel. We have only slept in the same bed a handful of times recently, and I never sleep very good when we do.

Obviously I can't know why your partner really wants to sleep separately, but I can say that it is not necessarily a negative thing. It works great in my relationship, and I think it could work well in others if people were willing to give it a chance. I believe there are a lot of people who would sleep better and feel better if they were only willing to look past the negative perceptions associated with separate sleeping quarters.

Similar story. I have been married for... 9 years now, and have been in separate beds for the last 3. Our issues are: I like it dark, she likes light. I like quiet, she likes the radio. I like a flat bed, she needs to be propped up. I snore, she can't sleep.

The biggest problems that we have with sleeping separately are: comments from friends, and space... With me working from home, her having a room for her crafting projects, and a kid on the way, things are getting tight.

As for your issue(s) with having sex and then sleeping in a different bed, how about having sex, sticking around for a half hour or so, then parting ways?