What do women find REALLY unattractive in men?

[dpms308]

I like all the answers I've seen so far BUT.........I know for a fact, a guy's weight is a big factor to women. My weight has been up and down all my life, (currently going back down) and I know it has been a factor many times. I have litterally had women that wouldn't even talk to me when I was heavy throw themselves at me when I slimmed down. And Im not talking 100 pounds up or down either. Usually around 40 pounds. Which is alot but some standards but frankly, a 120 pound cute girl is still cute to me at 160 or even 180. ESPECIALLY if she has alot of personality. Yes she looks better usually at 120 but its still the same person inside. At least to me.
So yes, all great answers here but go through the list of guys you've turned down over the years and see how many were 'fatties'. I bet more than you'll admit. Oh and btw, just like back hair, fat can be fixed, as I am proving right now.

[JohnTrenor]

Don’t be too formal when talking to women. Keep the conversation casual, but don’t forget your manners either. Having a good sense of humor also helps. Remain a gentleman with your thoughts, words and actions. Girls find this combination naturally charming and attractive.

Women are looking for meaningful conversations, so you’ve got to talk about something both of you can relate to. While the latest football game might be fun to talk about with your buddies, this won’t do when talking to girls (most women that talk about sports try to impress us). Don’t use sports as a way to show off how manly you are either (but it’s ok to share your passion for sports if conversation permits).

Women love when you complement their efforts. Be kind and supportive to their world. Be a man not a clown: don't be the loudest and try to outcompete the rest. This is a sign of weakness. All of these things are the opposite of being a d-bag. Attract Women Coach – John here are some more articles on this topic. Good luck and stay well everyone.

[3afash]

Indecisiveness
neediness
immaurity
dishonesty
lack of emotional control
low self-esteem
low social intelligence
lifelessness
lack of amibition and drive
missing an arm....jk

[elucidate]

Originally Posted by 3afash

Indecisiveness
neediness
immaurity
dishonesty
lack of emotional control
low self-esteem
low social intelligence
lifelessness
lack of amibition and drive
missing an arm....jk

This seems to be what we end up with...I'm sure it's exactly what women aren't ATTRACTED to though?

I personally think we go for what repels us the most...maybe that's just me though, in my self-destructiveness? God knows why?

[Chameleon]

PURELY from a physical standpoint, I find poor hygiene extremely offensive as well as complete lack of physical fitness. I could not be physically attracted to someone who did not take good care of their body.

[elucidate]

Originally Posted by Chameleon

PURELY from a physical standpoint, I find poor hygiene extremely offensive as well as complete lack of physical fitness. I could not be physically attracted to someone who did not take good care of their body.

I know what you mean. My lover has let himself go, and it's NOT attractive at all. I find myself faking it.

I met two twin jewish boys that turned my head today though , so things are looking up

[yossarian]

I like frizzy hair. Some girls just don't do it right. But on some girls it is very attractive.

[yossarian]

Originally Posted by elucidate

This seems to be what we end up with...I'm sure it's exactly what women aren't ATTRACTED to though?

I personally think we go for what repels us the most...maybe that's just me though, in my self-destructiveness? God knows why?

Maybe you induce those qualities in them.

I'm imagining some girl seeing the smallest sign of insecurity from her boyfriend and getting completely turned off, making a frowny face, crossing her arms.

Then the guy just gets more insecure and she gets more frowny faced until they break up.

Every human being has moments of the following:

Indecisiveness
neediness
immaurity
dishonesty
lack of emotional control
low self-esteem
low social intelligence
lifelessness
lack of amibition and drive

If when they have these moments, their partner abandons them, judges them, or generally removes affection and emotional support, that's going to turn a fleeting negativity into a relationship destroyer.

It's ideas like this that cause most of the neediness in men by teaching men that they can't ever be needy. So when they feel needy they just cover it up, which again leads to anxiety and depression and loss of connection with their partner and a death of the romance.

I've never met a girl who doesn't express those "negative" qualities occasionally. When I start rejecting her for them, they get worse. When I support her emotionally, they get better.

[elucidate]

I'm too drunk roght now to know for sure...but maybe you're right?

Originally Posted by yossarian

Maybe you induce those qualities in them.

I'm imagining some girl seeing the smallest sign of insecurity from her boyfriend and getting completely turned off, making a frowny face, crossing her arms.

Then the guy just gets more insecure and she gets more frowny faced until they break up.

Every human being has moments of the following:

Indecisiveness
neediness
immaurity
dishonesty
lack of emotional control
low self-esteem
low social intelligence
lifelessness
lack of amibition and drive

If when they have these moments, their partner abandons them, judges them, or generally removes affection and emotional support, that's going to turn a fleeting negativity into a relationship destroyer.

It's ideas like this that cause most of the neediness in men by teaching men that they can't ever be needy. So when they feel needy they just cover it up, which again leads to anxiety and depression and loss of connection with their partner and a death of the romance.

I've never met a girl who doesn't express those "negative" qualities occasionally. When I start rejecting her for them, they get worse. When I support her emotionally, they get better.

[elucidate]

I just seem to attract guys who do my head in...and I start acting ditzy to deal with it...which causes them to belittle me? I'm not dumb, but I attract smart guys and I'm smart...so part of me tries to compensate by making it "opposites attract"?

I'm guarded around giving emotional support to men, as it was never given to me, by males?

[yossarian]

Originally Posted by elucidate

I just seem to attract guys who do my head in...and I start acting ditzy to deal with it...which causes them to belittle me? I'm not dumb, but I attract smart guys and I'm smart...so part of me tries to compensate by making it "opposites attract"?

imo "doing your head in" is the natural female emotional response to male neediness

But not the enlightened response. The enlightened response is to recognize that everyone is needy sometimes, it's ok to be needy sometimes, and that things get better if people support each other rather than abandoning each other precisely in the time when others need them most.

Evolutionarily speaking girls want guys who are perfect and never have any neediness, insecurity, etc. Which really just means they want guys who deceive girls into thinking the guy is perfect, because in reality no guy is perfect.

[yossarian]

Originally Posted by elucidate

I'm guarded around giving emotional support to men, as it was never given to me, by males?

thats too bad

unfortunately the nature of humans is that we have to be vulnerable to even discover whether a particular person will support us

the only way to find out if someone will support us, is to be vulnerable and see if they do.

The downside is that if they don't support us we get hurt temporarily. The upside is that if they do support us, and then we support them back, everyone becomes much happier.

[elucidate]

I get what you are saying...I REALLY do! I got, a long time ago that none of us are perfect...and I know this guy isn't...and neither am I...but I still act from a place of unsatisfied need myself.

I resent that males need me, and they dont' seem to know or care what I need!

That may sound selfish, but when you have been in a position where other people get their needs met at your expense, WITHOUT giving anything back, it starts to feel unfair in the reciprocity...which make me more unwilling to just give them what they need, when I'm not getting what I need back!

Does that make any sense?

Originally Posted by yossarian

imo "doing your head in" is the natural female emotional response to male neediness

But not the enlightened response. The enlightened response is to recognize that everyone is needy sometimes, it's ok to be needy sometimes, and that things get better if people support each other rather than abandoning each other precisely in the time when others need them most.

Evolutionarily speaking girls want guys who are perfect and never have any neediness, insecurity, etc. Which really just means they want guys who deceive girls into thinking the guy is perfect, because in reality no guy is perfect.

[elucidate]

When I am vulnerable , it's ALWYAS the same ..."Smile"..."Lighten up"..." Cheer up"...neber...it's ok where you are right now...which is what IS!

Originally Posted by yossarian

thats too bad

unfortunately the nature of humans is that we have to be vulnerable to even discover whether a particular person will support us

the only way to find out if someone will support us, is to be vulnerable and see if they do.

The downside is that if they don't support us we get hurt temporarily. The upside is that if they do support us, and then we support them back, everyone becomes much happier.

[yossarian]

Originally Posted by elucidate

I get what you are saying...I REALLY do! I got, a long time ago that none of us are perfect...and I know this guy isn't...and neither am I...but I still act from a place of unsatisfied need myself.

I resent that males need me, and they dont' seem to know or care what I need!

That may sound selfish, but when you have been in a position where other people get their needs met at your expense, WITHOUT giving anything back, it starts to feel unfair in the reciprocity...which make me more unwilling to just give them what they need, when I'm not getting what I need back!

Does that make any sense?

Yes.

Do you tell the men what you need? Do you tell them in a way that masculine brains can understand?

e.g.

"When you ignore me when I'm feeling bad,
I think that you don't care about my welfare,
and I feel used, unloved, and disconnected from you.
I want attention even though I'm sad or mopey, because I feel better then.
What do you think?"

^ This is clear to men. You have to be really explicit with a lot of men because society has taught them to be out-of-touch with their feminine side, which means they find it hard to understand your natural form of communication.

[yossarian]

Originally Posted by elucidate

When I am vulnerable , it's ALWYAS the same ..."Smile"..."Lighten up"..." Cheer up"...neber...it's ok where you are right now...which is what IS!

That sucks. They are doing what someone on this forum called a "spiritual bypass" - basically invalidating your experience.

Here's what I would say to someone who did that if I wanted to preserve the relationship (i.e. If I'm not going to just give up on them).

"When you tell me to lighten up I interpret that as you telling me that my true emotions are unacceptable to you, and I believe that you don't care about my true experience but only the surface.

I feel disconnected from you and closed.

I want to feel respected and recognized for who I really am.

You could do this for me by being just caring and talking to me without telling me to change, will you do this for me?"

[elucidate]

I understand this, but no, I'm not always good at communicating with men about what I need or how I feel, as it has always been somehow dismissed in the past.

I know this is what I need to do to be better at communicating with men, but I still fail at it.

I'm dysfunctional.

Originally Posted by yossarian

Yes.

Do you tell the men what you need? Do you tell them in a way that masculine brains can understand?

e.g.

"When you ignore me when I'm feeling bad,
I think that you don't care about my welfare,
and I feel used, unloved, and disconnected from you.
I want attention even though I'm sad or mopey, because I feel better then.
What do you think?"

^ This is clear to men. You have to be really explicit with a lot of men because society has taught them to be out-of-touch with their feminine side, which means they find it hard to understand your natural form of communication.

[elucidate]

This is all I've ever known!

Thank you for the suggestions/ You have no idea how diffivult it is to type with teary eyes

Originally Posted by yossarian

That sucks. They are doing what someone on this forum called a "spiritual bypass" - basically invalidating your experience.

Here's what I would say to someone who did that if I wanted to preserve the relationship (i.e. If I'm not going to just give up on them).

"When you tell me to lighten up I interpret that as you telling me that my true emotions are unacceptable to you, and I believe that you don't care about my true experience but only the surface.

I feel disconnected from you and closed.

I want to feel respected and recognized for who I really am.

You could do this for me by being just caring and talking to me without telling me to change, will you do this for me?"

[elucidate]

I don't mean to abandon him, except I've been abandoned too, so what can I do to stop feeling resentful of that and start taking the leadership role? He's not even my boyfriend...just a lover/friend. Is it even valid to try in this position?

I used to be better at not reacting...but lately... I seem to have gone backwards. I guess I'm not that emlightened!

[yossarian]

Originally Posted by elucidate

I don't mean to abandon him, except I've been abandoned too, so what can I do to stop feeling resentful of that and start taking the leadership role? He's not even my boyfriend...just a lover/friend. Is it even valid to try in this position?

I used to be better at not reacting...but lately... I seem to have gone backwards. I guess I'm not that emlightened!

Honor your feelings of resentment.

But then communicate them. Communicating them is the hard part.

Communicate the following info:

1. What you see/hear that upsets you.
2. What you think/believe/interpret about those things.
3. How you feel about it. (Try not to say your feelings are his fault)
4. What you plan to do.
5. What you would like him to do.
6. What his experience/thoughts/feelings are with respect to this stuff.

Anyway the feelings are real, valid, legitimate, important, and the proper way to deal with these feelings is to express them, but also to rationally communicate them.

Your responsibility is to communicate as best as you can, both your experience and your desires.

Then his responsibility is to do the same.

And in this process you guys gain insight about yourself and each other and you see what happens. In my experience so many things change for the better, both feelings and actions and thoughts.

[elucidate]

Yeah, I do this...only it usually comes out in an angry way, because they will try and suppress it by telling me to "stop it", which I then go "No, **** you, I'm angry...deal with it".

I have gotten better at saying the first line in your other post..."when you tell me to lighten up, it makes me feel like it's not ok for me to be feeling the way I'm feeling according to you, and that's not true" though it may come out a bit garbled ...he does hear it, and has adapted...though it's still his reaction to not like it when I'm grumpy or not smiling...but then I say " well you get grumpy too sometimes...why is it not ok for me to as well?"

At least he is open to communicating more these days, and has agreed that if it gets too much then it's fine if I take a break from seeing him for a few months...so, it's getting better slowly. It's not a real committed relationship...but it's one that I am using to practise communication with men.

Originally Posted by yossarian

Honor your feelings of resentment.

But then communicate them. Communicating them is the hard part.

Communicate the following info:

1. What you see/hear that upsets you.
2. What you think/believe/interpret about those things.
3. How you feel about it. (Try not to say your feelings are his fault)
4. What you plan to do.
5. What you would like him to do.
6. What his experience/thoughts/feelings are with respect to this stuff.

Anyway the feelings are real, valid, legitimate, important, and the proper way to deal with these feelings is to express them, but also to rationally communicate them.

Your responsibility is to communicate as best as you can, both your experience and your desires.

Then his responsibility is to do the same.

And in this process you guys gain insight about yourself and each other and you see what happens. In my experience so many things change for the better, both feelings and actions and thoughts.

[yossarian]

Originally Posted by elucidate

Yeah, I do this...only it usually comes out in an angry way, because they will try and suppress it by telling me to "stop it", which I then go "No, **** you, I'm angry...deal with it".

I have gotten better at saying the first line in your other post..."when you tell me to lighten up, it makes me feel like it's not ok for me to be feeling the way I'm feeling according to you, and that's not true" though it may come out a bit garbled ...he does hear it, and has adapted...though it's still his reaction to not like it when I'm grumpy or not smiling...but then I say " well you get grumpy too sometimes...why is it not ok for me to as well?"

At least he is open to communicating more these days, and has agreed that if it gets too much then it's fine if I take a break from seeing him for a few months...so, it's getting better slowly. It's not a real committed relationship...but it's one that I am using to practise communication with men.

My favourite communication book is non-violent communication.

The reason we need a system for communication is that it's natural to leave out certain details - you won't even think of them. But those details actually mean everything to other people. By using a communication system, where you intentionally include all details, your actual situation is made much clearer.

The basic steps are roughly

- What you perceive on a sensory level (1)
- What you think, interpret, believe, or judge to be true (2)
- What you feel and especially how you feel towards the other person (3)
- What you intend to do (4)
- What you desire from the other person in specific actionable detail (5)

When most people communicate in close relationships, they will focus on a few of these and chronically neglect the others. This leads to big miscommunications.

So for instance men will often talk to great lengths about what they think and judge to be true, (2) but will never even once mention how they feel. (3)

Women will often communicate clearly how they feel, (3) and even what they believe and intend to do, (4) but will never mention what they perceive on the sensory level (1) and so men start thinking, "Does she expect me to read her mind? How can I avoid upsetting her?"

I've been using this technique on girls for a long time now and it works really well. I've taught it to my current girlfriend and it has allowed us to mutually explore each other's insecurities without negatively judging each other. If I feel needy, instead of doing what most guys do which is to act really needy and find some irrelevant thing to get upset about, I directly communicate the insecurity using the communication method. I don't look nearly as bad this way. My girlfriend also seems to be able to understand exactly where I'm coming from when I do this, and once she understands both where I'm at and what specifically she can do to help me, things just seem to magically improve.

I use it in friendships as well.

The biggest challenge is that most people are simply very scared to tell the whole truth about all 5 aspects. When you express these things, you are making yourself very vulnerable to rejection. But ultimately it's well worth it. You just have to take the plunge, like jumping off a diving board. Anyway it's made my life way better.

[elucidate]

It sounds interesting. I'll have a read when I get back from Art therapy. Gotta go. Thanks again

Originally Posted by yossarian

My favourite communication book is non-violent communication.

The reason we need a system for communication is that it's natural to leave out certain details - you won't even think of them. But those details actually mean everything to other people. By using a communication system, where you intentionally include all details, your actual situation is made much clearer.

The basic steps are roughly

- What you perceive on a sensory level (1)
- What you think, interpret, believe, or judge to be true (2)
- What you feel and especially how you feel towards the other person (3)
- What you intend to do (4)
- What you desire from the other person in specific actionable detail (5)

When most people communicate in close relationships, they will focus on a few of these and chronically neglect the others. This leads to big miscommunications.

So for instance men will often talk to great lengths about what they think and judge to be true, (2) but will never even once mention how they feel. (3)

Women will often communicate clearly how they feel, (3) and even what they believe and intend to do, (4) but will never mention what they perceive on the sensory level (1) and so men start thinking, "Does she expect me to read her mind? How can I avoid upsetting her?"

I've been using this technique on girls for a long time now and it works really well. I've taught it to my current girlfriend and it has allowed us to mutually explore each other's insecurities without negatively judging each other. If I feel needy, instead of doing what most guys do which is to act really needy and find some irrelevant thing to get upset about, I directly communicate the insecurity using the communication method. I don't look nearly as bad this way. My girlfriend also seems to be able to understand exactly where I'm coming from when I do this, and once she understands both where I'm at and what specifically she can do to help me, things just seem to magically improve.

I use it in friendships as well.

The biggest challenge is that most people are simply very scared to tell the whole truth about all 5 aspects. When you express these things, you are making yourself very vulnerable to rejection. But ultimately it's well worth it. You just have to take the plunge, like jumping off a diving board. Anyway it's made my life way better.

[starlequin]

Originally Posted by ArtVandelay

Imitation is the most sincere form of flattery, right?

There are certain things that I just find completely repulsive in girls. Dense, frizzy, scraggly hair is one of them. I'm sure women have similar things for men, and since I bet 90% of them are easily fixable, I'm curious what they are.

(This thread is supposed to be focused on aesthetic things - that is, physical features, body language, fashion, etc. However, if you really want to talk about personality or the like, feel free to.)

Vandelay of THE Vandelay industries?! Is that you George... Obscure reference. I actually have very dense scraggly frizzy hair. So I just kinda wilted a little bit inside, but at least my boyfriend seems to like me, haha!

I hate a sparse beard or patchy facial hair. I don't like feet at all. Especially hairy fat feet. Guys that chew or use dip. Excessive gelling of the hair. Excessive cloying scent. I probably dislike the things that most people would dislike physically to be honest.

[Bricona]

I'm not a girl but what I hate when I have to see a guy interact with a girl is that they're hella boring.

[pyrogen]

Originally Posted by starlequin

Vandelay of THE Vandelay industries?! Is that you George... Obscure reference. I actually have very dense scraggly frizzy hair. So I just kinda wilted a little bit inside, but at least my boyfriend seems to like me, haha!

I hate a sparse beard or patchy facial hair. I don't like feet at all. Especially hairy fat feet. Guys that chew or use dip. Excessive gelling of the hair. Excessive cloying scent. I probably dislike the things that most people would dislike physically to be honest.

I feel the same way about beards. Either have one or don't. If a fella can't grow one properly, shave it off. But no patchy beards and especially no hipster beards. And for heaven's sake. NO NECK BEARDS! Either rock the facial shrubbery correctly or don't wear it at all.

The hipster look also does not do it for me.