Boyfriend broke up with me bc of my kids

[JessieJen]

I have had custody of my niece/nephew for 8 years (since they were 2 and 3). I have been with my boyfriend for about 5 months. He has met them, however he now tells me (after knowing me for >1 yr) that he doesn't want our relationship to go to next level bc of the kids. Says he doesn't want to live with them.

I am so heartbroken. This guy talked about marrying me.... told me he would love us to have a baby on the way by next winter and then last night says he just can't "do" the neice/nephew thing.

I respect his right not to want kids around. I didn't even get angry about that at all. What hurts is that i didn't know the kids were an issue for him.

I am so hurt and i am going to miss him! I wish so much that he would have told me this last year........... waiting until i am attached and in love seems so wrong.

He says he wants us to get together this weekend bc " I still love you" "I want to see you" How can he say that, yet dump me at the same time??? I want to see him.... i probably will bc i am so weak and hurt.

IDK.... any words???

Jess

[MyEyeIsOpen]

I think it's fair for him to be honest and leave, but I think it's a mistake to continue seeing him -- just make a clean break and find someone who is ok with the situation.

I married my wife and she had two kids from a previous marriage. I am ok with that, some people would not be. It might have taken him a while to come to that conclusion.

[funchy]

Be thankful he's gone. The niece/nephew are part of the whole package of "you". Do NOT go meet up with him. He's made his choice. Do not buy the "I miss you" line because it'll just be more months of conflict. It'll make the final break-up that much harder.

Don't blame him. He may not have realized at first what it really meant to be dating someone who already has kids. Just make a clean break and move on.

What you don't need is a guy who isn't totally committed to your adopted kids. It's hard for some guys to accept another's kids as their own. It would be really bad on your kids to always be the unwanted step-kids in his family. Your kids must come first.

[Holistic Star]

Hi JessieJen,

I feel for you. Breaking up is never fun whatever the circumstances.

He's probably only realised the committment that is involved in bringing up someone else's children. It's all very easy for people to live in a little fantasy land of an ideal future without realising what it is really like. Better that he faces up to it and makes that break now before you actually moved in together.

I'm so sorry you have been hurt. I hope you get over it soon. Have you got supportive people around you?

I'm sure you will meet someone eventually who is just right for you and the children. btw big kudos to you for taking on 2 children as a single parent. I admire anyone who brings up children on their own. It's a big responsibility and so lovely that your niece and nephew have a loving home.

Big hugs

[VetTechJess]

I saw this thread and feel I had to reply. Some people are meant to have kids and others have no patience for kids even though they may like them. Did you ask him about his view on children?

Take myself for example. I have no desire whatsoever to have any children. They are too expensive for me and I am currently taking medication which I would have to stop should I get pregnant which would in turn make my quality of life zero.

I like children, yes. But I have no patience for them whatsoever. I don't know why but I just don't. Maybe he was waiting to have children and the thought of being an "instant family" was too unnerving for him to handle.

Just my 0.02

[jacki]

if he has an issues with the children then he isnt worth your time. i feel you are very lucky to have your neice and nephw. (not going off topic just going to explain why i say this) i have 4 very painful heditary diseases, ive decided not to have children because of this. im 18 and i want kids more then anything in the world. so i say, charish them for the gifts they are worth.

jacki

[JessieJen]

Thank you for the various responses. It is all very difficult bc i love this man.

I did end up meeting with him and we talked for so many hours. In some regards i do understand why he is saying what he is saying. He is not a mean jerk... i do agree with what several of you said-- he thought he was able to handle it, however once in the situation for several months he felt overwhelmed by them and torn as to what to do.

My niece and nephew are sweet kids... have great hearts. I love them (obviously). They do have some issues, however as their auntie and the person who has cared for them since they were toddlers I am have a much higher tolerance for it. They are my family.... my love for them helps me to deal with nearly anything they are going through.

In May 2008 he was aware that i was seeking a boarding school environment for my nephew. My nephew is a real sweetheart... however in addition to that he also is significantly unmotivated, hyperactive, and irresponsible when it comes to school and taking care of himself. He was giving me soooo much trouble that i knew as a single woman working a full time job that i wouldn't be able to give him what he needed to get it together.

I visited a boarding school and decided against it bc i felt like a failure as a parent if i didn't do this myself... so he didnt go.

Of course my boyfriend remembers all of that and my frustration and all the work that goes into keeping him on track and told me that although he loves me he doesn't have that type of connection to devote much of his home life keeping my nephew on track. He told me that he is also concerned because my nephew is 12 and of course puberty is coming up and so he will be interested in girls and independence soon which will likely make my current situation even more difficult.

I have a dilemma.... no matter what i am concerned with my ability to give my nephew what he needs...... esp if i continue to do it all by myself. Thing is... do i look like a bad guardian if i look at boarding schools again for him. It would not be for both kids.... since my niece doesn't need that type of guidance.

Do i look like i am giving up my kid/nephew for a man? I don't want to hurt anyone... however i don't want to be hurt either. I DO know that i have given them love and a life they would not have had. For a period of 6 yrs i didn't date at all bc they were really young and as a single woman with no support system i just wanted to focus on them. However, i want to make the right decision for him (nephew) and ME.

The other thing is cost.... these places are about 40K/ year. It would likely be my bf footing the bill.... you know what.... this may be a mute point due to financial demands alone- bc if my nephew were to go to a boarding school i would need it to be top notch and luxury so that he feels comfortable.

IDK.... i am sure i now sound like a selfish person to you all.

Any comments.
Jessie

[Jim11]

Hi Jessie,

If your boyfriend isn't completely into the kids I think it's unlikely that he'd think 40k a year for boarding school is a good idea.

I feel for you. It is very difficult when you love someone and there is something like this that won't allow it to work. I have personally been there, and I know it seems impossible to move on at this point, but if he can't accept the kids then that's what you'll have to do

Unfortunately a lot of people continue deep into relationships when they definitely have the feeling that there may be irreconcilable differences.

I commend you for stepping in and doing a good job with the kids.

[mrsmith]

Originally Posted by JessieJen

Thank you for the various responses. It is all very difficult bc i love this man.

I did end up meeting with him and we talked for so many hours. In some regards i do understand why he is saying what he is saying. He is not a mean jerk... i do agree with what several of you said-- he thought he was able to handle it, however once in the situation for several months he felt overwhelmed by them and torn as to what to do.

My niece and nephew are sweet kids... have great hearts. I love them (obviously). They do have some issues, however as their auntie and the person who has cared for them since they were toddlers I am have a much higher tolerance for it. They are my family.... my love for them helps me to deal with nearly anything they are going through.

In May 2008 he was aware that i was seeking a boarding school environment for my nephew. My nephew is a real sweetheart... however in addition to that he also is significantly unmotivated, hyperactive, and irresponsible when it comes to school and taking care of himself. He was giving me soooo much trouble that i knew as a single woman working a full time job that i wouldn't be able to give him what he needed to get it together.

I visited a boarding school and decided against it bc i felt like a failure as a parent if i didn't do this myself... so he didnt go.

Of course my boyfriend remembers all of that and my frustration and all the work that goes into keeping him on track and told me that although he loves me he doesn't have that type of connection to devote much of his home life keeping my nephew on track. He told me that he is also concerned because my nephew is 12 and of course puberty is coming up and so he will be interested in girls and independence soon which will likely make my current situation even more difficult.

I have a dilemma.... no matter what i am concerned with my ability to give my nephew what he needs...... esp if i continue to do it all by myself. Thing is... do i look like a bad guardian if i look at boarding schools again for him. It would not be for both kids.... since my niece doesn't need that type of guidance.

Do i look like i am giving up my kid/nephew for a man? I don't want to hurt anyone... however i don't want to be hurt either. I DO know that i have given them love and a life they would not have had. For a period of 6 yrs i didn't date at all bc they were really young and as a single woman with no support system i just wanted to focus on them. However, i want to make the right decision for him (nephew) and ME.

The other thing is cost.... these places are about 40K/ year. It would likely be my bf footing the bill.... you know what.... this may be a mute point due to financial demands alone- bc if my nephew were to go to a boarding school i would need it to be top notch and luxury so that he feels comfortable.

IDK.... i am sure i now sound like a selfish person to you all.

Any comments.
Jessie

Be happy that he owned up to it and left. It sounds like your niece and nephew mean a lot to you (judging from the 40k a year tag on that school). I know its hard to move on, but you have to.

It's best to find someone who will accept the kids. Ask the hard questions up front and you won't be surprised later on.

[xyz]

Bringing up kids even if they are nephews/nieces is the most difficult task in this world. Its not for everyone or rather weak hearted.
Cheer Up! You are a fine human being who doesn't shy away from responsibilities. You need someone who can match up your inner strength and beauty. So start looking. :-)

[Acting Like Godot]

Originally Posted by JessieJen

IDK.... i am sure i now sound like a selfish person to you all.

Quite the opposite actually. You sound like a very caring, selfless person to me!

[magi13]

^^, stay strong, and do not falter. :3.. you'll meet someone who sees eye to eye with you one of these days. :3

[RT Wolf]

You sound like you've got it sorted out. Good work. I don't think you're lookin for advice so I won't offer any.

Some time is what you need.