Early Marriage Troubles

[Mattsea]

Hi everyone. This is my first post and I really need some outside input. I have only been married 7 months and I am currently very worried that I got married for the wrong reasons.

Before we married we had been together for a year, my wife had already asked me to marry her a few times but I had not been ready. Then one day when the opportunity arouse I just said Yes and we eloped right away. I said yes because I felt like I needed to finally make a commitment. I loved her, she was helping make my life better, and there was nothing in our relationship that was negative. I never had an "I know she is the one" moment, or a major spark. It was just a steady, loving, friendly relationship. At the time I felt that, that is the way it is supposed to be, just find someone who is great.

During the first 4 months of our marriage I felt completely committed. Whenever she did something that didn't align with my mentality I was understanding and felt that as our lives got better, the complaining and judgment would subside.

However in the past few months I have found it harder and harder to practice love as a verb. When I plan trips with her its as if I am not sure I really want to do it. When we have dates I feel like I don't really want to be doing this. This loss of commitment has resulted recently in my inability to accept her judgmental, and critical mind. I find it very hard to listen to her complain about people in her life or people she works with. When she criticizes me I have responded in ways that is less than desirable, and this has caused us to recently have major fights.

As we have been becoming more serious about having kids, I know that I need to address this before we do that. The last thing I want to do is have kids in the picture if I am not completely committed to this marriage.

I can definitely say I still love her. But I feel no spark, and less and less romance. I found Steve's article on how to Decide when to end a long term relationship And I answered no to two deal breakers...
Do you feel a unique sexual attraction to your partner? If there’s no spark, there’s no point in staying. --- I have been sexual attracted to her obviously but its never been different or unique or had "that spark".

And

Do you see yourself when you look in your partner’s eyes? I can't say that I do, I think we see the world in an entirely different light. Its half empty versus half full on this one.

In the end I still love her and I still have a great deal of fun with her, but if we were not married right now I would definitely say I would not be ready to marry her.

I actually brought some of this up to her last night. I let her know for the first time that I was questioning my decision to marry and didn't know what to do about it. I let her know for the first time how every time she talks negatively talks about other people it really bothers me. And I have never been able to stand nonconstructive criticism that she continues to give me.
After the initial shock, she was actually amazingly calm about my revelations, and began looking for solutions, like seeing a therapist and doing marriage counseling. She also told me she would work on herself and try to change these things for me. This has given me more hope but I still worry that no matter how much I work on this I will never be on the same mental wavelength and never feel a true connection with her. I also don't know if its the right thing to do, to try to change who she is, especially with the motivation being my own preferences.

I appreciate you taking the time to read this and any input you may have.

[Angela]

You're not trying to change who she is; she's evaluating the relationship and offering to make changes in herself in the best interests of the partnership that she has committed herself to, in good faith.

It sounds to me like although you think YOU are the "half-full" partner, in fact SHE is -- her response to your shocking revelation (that you had made a commitment but in fact are not committed) was to immediately take responsibility and look for solutions. In the meanwhile, you are focused on your worry and your dealbreakers.

She has shown herself to be generous and loving, and now you have the opportunity to do the same: either honor your commitment with integrity and work with her to build a loving, mutually beneficial marriage, whatever it takes, or let her go with love so that she can find someone who is willing to be in the kind of marriage she wants, and you can be in the kind that you want.

It is NOT an act of generosity or love to maintain your marriage in a state of limbo, committed but not committed, and the longer you wait to act, the more pain is in store for both of you. Choose.

[Pequod]

That's some solid advice from Angela!

In addition, it get the sense that this is the key

When I plan trips with her its as if I am not sure I really want to do it. When we have dates I feel like I don't really want to be doing this.

For starters you could ask yourself what you really want, what you need to be/do/have to like again spending time with her. Perhaps it helps to think back of the times that you got along fine, see if those memories give you ideas and inspiration.

[Mattsea]

Angela,

Thanks for your response. It made good sense to me, and made me feel that I am coming from a self-centered viewpoint. I have been looking at her as being the problem and not myself. When in reality it is me who has changed. I made the commitment to marry her because I wanted to cut off any other possibility that we wouldn't be together. By bringing that possibility back in, I think I am focusing more on the problems instead of the solutions. She has cut off that possibility and was able to immediately focus on solutions despite what I said to her.

I recently read Steve's article on self-discipline and willpower, and used the concept of using willpower to extremely alter my environment to make it more conducive to productivity. I believe now would be a good time to come up with a massive plan to alter my environment so it is more conducive to thinking with empathy and acting out of love. I may not feel completely committed right now, but I am beginning to realize that is where I need to be and these thoughts are temporary and can be defeated.

What would be some good ideas for altering my self and my environment to help my marriage and to act with greater empathy? ill see if I can find anything that Steve wrote that can help.

thanks again. time to brainstorm.

[Holistic Star]

Hi Mattsea,

My husband I an recently went to marriage counselling (there's a thread on it here somewhere). We went with a view that we would either make our relationship work or find a way to split up amicably.

I think the fact that we were open to the outcome meant that we were able to make a greater committment to each other.

I found the actual session of marriage counselling very stressful. But I'm so glad we went. It helped us put our problems into perspective and commit to finding a way through.

I used to feel guilty about not loving my husband 'enough'. I used to run around trying to make him happy but going at it all wrong. Because he can be quite hot-headed I often felt unsupported, whereas now I realise that he supports me totally and wants me to be happy. We are still very different people but we appreciate each other's good points more and work together to support each other where we need help.


If your wife is suggesting counselling, then go! Use it as an opportunity to understand each other better. Sometimes hearing your complaints voiced out loud helps them lose their power. They seem trivial once spoken. Others, you realise are more critical and you find that your partner's perspective is totally different to your own and you then find how to make those two viewpoints work.

You are definitely right to sort this out before bringing children into the relationship. Wishing you the best of luck

[Mattsea]

We have an appointment with a marriage counselor on Tuesday at 3. I am actually very excited about this and hope to be able to sort out some of these issues in my head. I will finally just get these out there so we can work on them

[The NorthStar of Hope]

We teach people how to treat us, however, I partially disagree that if you don't see yourself in her eyes that you break up with her.
I mean COME ON sometimes we look in mirror & we see a person that's not truly who want to be.

& eventually :
A great marriage is not when the 'perfect couple' comes together. It is when an imperfect couple learns to enjoy their differences.

[Mattsea]

Holistic Star,

I read through your thread on your own marriage troubles. It was great to hear that the session helped even though it brought up quite a bit of issues in your head.

I have been finding it therapeutic posting here as well. I think I will continue to do it through our counseling session.

I was wondering, if you care to post about it, how your marriage has been since that thread, and if you needed to start doing more activities together to get back to being more close.

-MS