LLTMBR Relationship and your ability to contribute to the world

[seeker5]

I was curious what some of the members here felt about relationships and contributing to the world (ie, light-working types).

Does a LLMBTR (Loving, long-term mutual-beneficial relationship) distract you from your ability to contribute to the world, or does it enhances your ability to contribute to the world?

Is such a LLMBTR relationship thus a luxury, something to do after you've got time left over from your projects of contributing to the world? Something to do for fun?

Or is such a LLMBTR relationship something that can help build a partnership of life that helps you contribute to the world even more then if you were alone?

What are your views and experiences?

[JimOfferman]

An LLT(MB)R for me would be something that adds to but subtracts nothing from my life.

[theknightwhosaysni-NI]

A LLTR can definitely distract from contributing, especially if we have a tendancy to put our relationships on the top of our priority list.

If relationships goes in second position, it's definitely helpful. That's not something that's necessarily easy to explain to your partner if he/she doesn't have the same view though.

However I wouldn't look at it the way you are. Relationships are necessary to a person's well being. We need affection, connection communion etc.
As good relationships is something that we need to cover our affection needs, only when we are ok with the "relationship" part of our life can we contribute effectively. It doesn't necessarily need to be a LLTR kind of relationship, that's just the most common kind.

[seeker5]

Originally Posted by JimOfferman

LLT(MB)R

Oh yeah, I forgot that "MB". Corrected my OP, thanks Jim

[seeker5]

Originally Posted by JimOfferman

An LLT(MB)R for me would be something that adds to but subtracts nothing from my life.

Well Jim, having a relationship does have to subtract at least something. I mean, you only have 24 hours in a day, so if you are in a relationship as opposed to not being in a relationship, that means that some of the time you spent doing something beforehand is something you won't be able to do now. Maybe it was a friend, maybe it's playing computer games, or something. So maybe the overall effect is to add, but on some level it has to subtract something in order to make room for it.

My question though, do you see a relationship as possibly adding to your ability to contribute your music to the world, or maybe as a possible distraction from your ability to put your music to the world?

Originally Posted by theknightwhosaysni-NI

A LLTR can definitely distract from contributing, especially if we have a tendancy to put our relationships on the top of our priority list.

If relationships goes in second position, it's definitely helpful. That's not something that's necessarily easy to explain to your partner if he/she doesn't have the same view though.

That's true. I'm talking about partners that are well aligned with your values and way of looking at the world, and way of looking at relationships. That's interesting though, maybe relationship has to be second position if you're to focus successfully on contributing...hrm. I think I read Steve write something related to that.

As good relationships is something that we need to cover our affection needs, only when we are ok with the "relationship" part of our life can we contribute effectively.

Heh, you're going the opposite way - saying that those who aren't in a relationship can't contribute effectively? Or that you have to be ok with whatever status you're at?

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by seeker5

Well Jim, having a relationship does have to subtract at least something. I mean, you only have 24 hours in a day, so if you are in a relationship as opposed to not being in a relationship, that means that some of the time you spent doing something beforehand is something you won't be able to do now. Maybe it was a friend, maybe it's playing computer games, or something. So maybe the overall effect is to add, but on some level it has to subtract something in order to make room for it.

I'm not concerned about time spent.

If being in a relationship means I'll now have only 1 hour a week to play video games instead of 2, I don't see that as subtracting from my life. Now, if my girlfriend were to say that I couldn't play video games anymore, because she doesn't like 'em... that would be subtracting something from my life.

(Of course, my girlfriend would never say that)

My question though, do you see a relationship as possibly adding to your ability to contribute your music to the world, or maybe as a possible distraction from your ability to put your music to the world?

I think my ability to contribute music will only grow, not diminish, when I enter into a relationship. On the practical level, the cost of housing could be split in two, which means I would have to work less (right now, work is both the biggest bottleneck and enabler of my music). Also, as the relationship enriches my life it will also enrich the feeding ground for my music.

Finally, I fully expect my partner to further strengthen my resolve for making a living with my music. I cannot see it any other way. She cannot believe in me and at the same time not believe in my music. That just wouldn't make any sense, because the music is such a big part of me.

[Rose of Cairo]

I've always seen romantic relationships as something unnecessary. It was luxury for me, definitely exciting but not necessary to live, and costing time and energy that I could use for more meaningful projects

Now I can see how a romantic relationship (provided it works) can actually improve my ability to contribute indeed, in itself and especially if my partner is also my PD buddy

However, I still think a romantic relationship is not necessary to be happy and make a meaningful contribution to the world. Helpful yes, necessary no.

Originally Posted by theknightwhosaysni-NI

If relationships goes in second position, it's definitely helpful.

I agree, it has to come second or even third or fourth.

However I wouldn't look at it the way you are. Relationships are necessary to a person's well being. We need affection, connection communion etc.
As good relationships is something that we need to cover our affection needs, only when we are ok with the "relationship" part of our life can we contribute effectively. It doesn't necessarily need to be a LLTR kind of relationship, that's just the most common kind.

I agree that we can only contribute effectively if our social and emotional needs are being met. We need relationships in our lives.

But I also agree with you that it doesn't have to be a LTR. It can be short-term relationships too.

It doesn't have to be one either, there's polyamory too.

It does not even have to be a romantic relationship. Social and emotional needs can be covered by a bunch of loving, supportive friends too.

In fact I think it is smarter to enter a romantic relationship only when you don't really need it and already have your social and emotional needs met by friends, otherwise you're dependent on your partner. But this is off-topic here.

[theknightwhosaysni-NI]

Originally Posted by seeker5

Heh, you're going the opposite way - saying that those who aren't in a relationship can't contribute effectively? Or that you have to be ok with whatever status you're at?

no I'm not saying that those who aren't in a relationship cannot contribute, they can.
I'm rather saying that it's better to be ok with the current state of your relationships and your social life to contribute.

If one has the feeling that something is missing in his life, that's not the best place to be in order to contribute.

[marinik]

My experience is that a LLTMBR a very good "environment" out of which you can contribute a lot to the world around you. Specially when it is rich in emotional and intellectual "exchange". Having a stable relationship from which you can come out every day with new energy, feeling of support, love and opinions and advice that are motivated only by good intentions... this is true wealth for the one going out to the world and give the best they have. I am in one for 20 years... and going through a revolution with my partner being there for me when ever I was arrested, harassed... threatened.. and now when we are successful and growing old.... I can give much more knowing he is always there for me and vice versa!

[StellaBlue]

I feel that if I am in a LLTMBR and it is right for me, then it will only add to the contributions I am able to give to the world although I don't think it is necessary. For one thing, I think that creating, giving, and receiving love in any shape or form is beneficial for the world. More love = better! Plus, if I am with someone who has similar values and ambitions to contribute to the world, then maybe together we will be twice as effective. Also, if my partner is contributing to my emotional, mental, spiritual, physical (overall!) wellbeing, then I feel like I should be able to transfer that into my purpose as well.

Think about having a healthy relationship with your body. You have to spend more time focusing on eating the right things, avoiding the wrong things, listening to what your body needs, exercising, etc., but in the long run, being healthy will probably enable you to contribute more towards your purpose. Maybe this isn't really a fair comparison because I feel that you can be just as effective in fulfilling your purpose without a LLTMBR, but still

[seeker5]

Originally Posted by Rose of Cairo

I agree, it has to come second or even third or fourth.

That may be the viewpoint of viewing relationship as a barrier to overcome. That is - push the relationship down in importance so it doesn't interfere with the most important stuff.

However, what about PD? Those of us who are focused on Personal Development make it one of our top priorities in life, if not the top priority. Why? It's definitely (at least for me) because it makes so much else in life so much better.

So, what if having a very well constructed relationship made the ability to contribute so incredibly much better? So, if placing the relationship as the number 2 spot (number 1 spot being living in your values) made you able to contribute so much more (which would be your number 3 spot) then say.....if you had contribute as number 2 and relationship as number 5? Because perhaps by placing a bunch of stuff as more important then the relationship, then the relationship instead of being well oiled to help contribute, it instead becomes a detriment and takes away?

Just hypothetically speaking and thinking.

I dunno though, I don't connect with placing priority numbers with different parts of life. To me, that's like saying health is number 1, spiritual is number 2, loving myself is number 3, etc. I think all need to have a proper balance. But I digress, and that's starting to be off topic.

[marinik]

You don't have to choose!!! A true relationship built on solid ground does not fight for the position - it just is... no need to push it down or pull it up! Sometimes I think people think it is a story from a film or a magazine! It is not! Time spent with each other... commitment.... giving ... focusing... working at the relationship.... it is the quality invested not taken from any part of life! Love, devotion, loyalty is something that multiples! It does not subtracts from anything in your life! It gives you energy and motivation! If a relationship is over-consuming, sucking out life energy then it is not THE ONE anyway!

[Rose of Cairo]

Originally Posted by seeker5

That may be the viewpoint of viewing relationship as a barrier to overcome. That is - push the relationship down in importance so it doesn't interfere with the most important stuff.

Not necessarily. Even if the relationship works well and helps me contribute to the world, there are things that are simply more important than being in a relationship, for example my own health and well-being, the health and well-being of the animals I share my life with, living accordingly to my values, making a difference and fulfilling my purpose, etc. Those things will always have a higher priority for me than any romantic relationship, just like they will always be more important than having a bunch of lovely friends or being financially successful. Even though having a bunch of lovely friends or being financially successful also helps a lot to contribute to the world and makes everything nicer. (I personally also find a bunch of lovely friends and financial success way more important than a romantic relationship in regards to contributing)

However, what about PD? Those of us who are focused on Personal Development make it one of our top priorities in life, if not the top priority.

Really? I can't see that. As far as I can see, people who are focused on PD have very diverse views on the importance of romantic relationships, and many of them do not make it their top priority.

So, what if having a very well constructed relationship made the ability to contribute so incredibly much better? So, if placing the relationship as the number 2 spot (number 1 spot being living in your values) made you able to contribute so much more (which would be your number 3 spot) then say.....if you had contribute as number 2 and relationship as number 5? Because perhaps by placing a bunch of stuff as more important then the relationship, then the relationship instead of being well oiled to help contribute, it instead becomes a detriment and takes away?

Dunno. Try out if it works for you. I personally wouldn't want a relationship that is detrimental when I don't make it my top priority.

I dunno though, I don't connect with placing priority numbers with different parts of life.

I don't mind putting numbers on things. I find it very helpful when I have to make decisions. I just have to look at the priorities I set.

[jaamkie]

This is an interesting question. I think for me, the excitement of finding someone new, and the drama of a relationship ending, can both be detrimental to the rest of my life. On the other hand I think first dates at least expose me to more different people and ideas than I otherwise might experience, which I think is a good thing.

I also think a stable long-term relationship can more efficiently satisfy my needs for companionship compared to keeping up several serious friendships in order to always have someone available. Also my boyfriends tend to be interested in the same things I am interested in, while the majority of people I meet tend not to be, and certainly conversation, new ideas, and shared ambitions/encouragement are helpful in not getting discouraged or overwhelmed.