I like this girl but she has a boyfriend.

[jsot]

How long after they break up should I wait until I approach her? I'm sixteen and she is too.

[SupersecretIdentity]

First of all, I don't think its healthy waiting around for a girl to breakup so you can swing in and snatch her up. Not only is it kinda sociopathic, but there's a good chance that you will be holding your breath for a long time.

For the sake of answering your question, I'll assume that it is inevitable that the breakup will occur, and in the near future. The answer to that depends on a lot of things.

First, it depends a lot on the girl. Some will be ready to date right away, some will need time to recover, enjoy being single for a while, and get their trust back. The amount of time depends greatly on the girl, and the nature of the breakup. A common rule is to allot half the relationship's time up to a year, but this is a VERY general rule of thumb and should be taken with a LARGE grain of salt.

The best answer is to let nature run its course. Do your own thing, show you're interested in the girl, and give her the option to come to you when and if she's ready. Don't become blinded by this one girl who may never be interested in you and overlook a dozen other awesome girls.

[seeker5]

Originally Posted by jsot

How long after they break up should I wait until I approach her? I'm sixteen and she is too.

You should approach her now. Don't wait for the breakup.

Don't ask her to cheat you know, but let her know how you feel about her. Who knows, she may be willing to go out with you instead of keeping her boyfriend. It wouldn't be the first time it's happened.

[eskimo]

jsot, I agree with SupersecretIdentity's sentiments about not waiting around for a girl. What you're doing is making her an idol - it's not good for her and it's not good for you.

Young brother, you're SIXTEEN! You've got a whole life ahead of you to figure out who you are and what you want to do with your life. If you're infatuated with a girl and putting your life on hold to wait until she's available, you're not ready for a girlfriend.

Take this season of your life to figure out exactly who you are and what your passions are. Pursue those things in school and outside of school that interest and excite you - may it be math, or biology, or marching band, or football, or volunteer work, or DECA (whoa, I can't believe this just came to me ), or computer club, or religion/spirituality, or working on cars.

When you've figured out your passions, values, and identity and can share these things with people with an open heart, then the perfect girl for you will come into your life. This may not occur in high school; it may be in college, or it may be after you've started your career.

So my advice to you is give it time and keep developing yourself. jsot, I want to suggest a book to you that's near and dear to my heart. It's called Wild at Heart: Discovering the Secret of a Man's Soul by John Eldredge. It's wisdom that I gained from immensely when I needed it and I believe it should be essential reading for any young man who's trying to figure out his soul and identity. I'd encourage you to obtain a copy and read it.

Best,
Steve

[SupersecretIdentity]

Originally Posted by seeker5

You should approach her now. Don't wait for the breakup.

Don't ask her to cheat you know, but let her know how you feel about her. Who knows, she may be willing to dump her boyfriend for you. It wouldn't be the first time it's happened.

Sure its possible you can get her to cheat/dump her boyfriend/whatever so you can ride off into the sunset together. The question you have to ask yourself is, is that really the kind of person you want to be? There is so much more to life than girls, is it really worth it to do that to yourself? Yeah you win for that moment, but you cause a lot of damage to your conscience doing stuff like that. Not a very convincing argument at your age, I'm sure, but very true.

A friend of mine has a great quote regarding these situations;

"If she'll do it with you, she'll do it to you"

[seeker5]

Originally Posted by SupersecretIdentity

Sure its possible you can get her to cheat/dump her boyfriend/whatever so you can ride off into the sunset together. The question you have to ask yourself is, is that really the kind of person you want to be? There is so much more to life than girls, is it really worth it to do that to yourself? Yeah you win for that moment, but you cause a lot of damage to your conscience doing stuff like that. Not a very convincing argument at your age, I'm sure, but very true.

Perhaps if you went around trying to steal everyone's girlfriend, then yeah, that would probably be conscious-damaging.

However, it would seem to me that it may be more authentic and honest to let one specific girl you like and that you really connect with, that you like her now, regardless of her relationship status....instead of waiting until she breaks up with the boyfriend to all of a sudden tell her you like her.

[jsot]

Originally Posted by eskimo

If you're infatuated with a girl and putting your life on hold to wait until she's available, you're not ready for a girlfriend.

So how do I know when I'm ready to have a girlfriend?

[SupersecretIdentity]

There's no one way to know, but there are a lot of important things to have nailed down in your life first. I don't claim to have all the answers, because I am still young. But I do know enough to know I don't know much, which is a start. However, here are some gems that I've picked up along the way.

1) Girls will not make your problems go away. If you say to yourself, "Everything would be perfect If I just had a girlfriend" go back to the drawing board. A new girl will make you feel great for a short period of time, but if you are depressed/antisocial/etc without a girl, you will still be that way after you have a girl. Don't get me wrong, it's great to have someone in your life, but you cannot look to someone else to make everything better.

2) If you don't love yourself, don't expect someone else to love you. If even you can't live with you, how can you expect someone else to love you? Ask yourself if you are the kind of person you would like to hang out with. If the answer is no, do something about it. Chance are, if you don't want to hang out with people like you, chances are other people think the same thing.

3) If you want to make someone your girlfriend without even getting to know them, you definitely aren't ready to have one. It's totally fine to be attracted to someone you know, to want to get to know them better, or to want to date them. However, if you want to jump into a committed relationship with someone you don't even know, you aren't interested in the person, you're interested in the idea of a relationship. Tons of people jump from relationship to relationship not because they keep meeting such great people, but because they feel like they need to be in a relationship.

4) Sort of an extension of 3 and 2. If you are pining to be in a relationship, thats one of the surest signs you aren't ready for one. That's the quickest way to end up with the first girl that comes your way and has nothing to do with who they are. In my experience, relationships have been a tricky creature. Whenever I thought I wanted one, I could never achieve it, or I changed my mind. It was only when it was the furthest thing from my mind that all the sudden it entered my life.

In short, don't fret over not having a girlfriend. Most high school relationships don't even count anyway. That being said, don't be afraid to date. It's a great time in your life to get ahead on the dating learning curve, but is totally OK, even natural, to date someone without it progressing any further. Take care of yourself, pursue things that interest you, develop and grow on your own. All these things will make you emerge as a person so much more than defining yourself through a girlfriend. I promise if you that at your age if you just learn to be a cool social guy and not to worry about girls, that entire area of your life will take care of itself.

P.S. I am NOT saying that you should ignore girls. It's great to work on your dating skills so you aren't stuck at a Sophomore level. All I'm saying is you don't have to worry about ticking off that checklist sheet. You know, the one that says; First kiss: Check. Go on a date: Check. Girlfriend: Check, Lose virginity: . Etc Just enjoy the process for what it is. all that stuff will come in due time.

[eskimo]

Originally Posted by jsot

So how do I know when I'm ready to have a girlfriend?

Brother, you'll know you're ready when you've figured out how you can best serve ALL of humanity and have committed your heart and your life to pursuing this path. And when you're at this point and are leading your life with an open heart, God will provide the perfect girl for you.

And when you realize the feelings that this girl evokes within you are so powerful and beautiful that you'll be willing to lay down your life and sacrifice everything you've developed up to this point in order to protect her, then and only then, you'll be ready for a woman.

[frajilthunder]

Originally Posted by eskimo

Brother, you'll know you're ready when you've figured out how you can best serve ALL of humanity and have committed your heart and your life to pursuing this path. And when you're at this point and are leading your life with an open heart, God will provide the perfect girl for you.

And when you realize the feelings that this girl evokes within you are so powerful and beautiful that you'll be willing to lay down your life and sacrifice everything you've developed up to this point in order to protect her, then and only then, you'll be ready for a woman.

Damn, I've been married almost 20 years, and according to this I'm not ready for a girlfriend, much less a wife. The missus will be heartbroken when she gets the news.

[eskimo]

Well, God and I are trying to set a new standard...

[driven1]

I used to have a firm policy: If she has a boyfriend, she's off-limits. Period.

I've since realized that a lot of people, possibly *most* people, are with somebody not because they love them, but because it's better than being alone. And there are a LOT of one-sided relationships out there, where the boyfriend is crazy about the girl, but the girl is "meh" about him and doesn't have the balls to break up with him. (Either she's afraid of being alone, or she doesn't want to hurt him, or both.) This is common... really, really common, and totally understandable.

It's my opinion that if you help break up a one-sided relationship, you're doing the guy a (difficult) favor. Seriously. He should be with somebody who loves him as much as he loves her.

So I've revised my policy: If she is in love with her boyfriend, she's off-limits. And, really, if she's in love with him, you don't stand a chance anyhow. And if it's a mutual thing, be happy for them both -- love is a wonderful thing.

If she's married or living with her boyfriend, she's off-limits as well, regardless of the relationship. But this one is for selfish reasons -- I'm not willing to deal with the drama.

Anyhow, that's my personal ruleset on the matter. Do whatcha like!

[Ralph]

Originally Posted by jsot

How long after they break up should I wait until I approach her? I'm sixteen and she is too.

In my opinion, you should approach her and get to know her better. Don't open up from the sexual side though, she'll probably get turned off because she has a boyfriend. Instead, create an "innocent" relationship, without meeting each other's sexual needs.


If you get to know her better, you'll be able to diagnose her relationship with the boyfriend. At that age, people tend to change bfs and gfs like gloves. It's perfectly possible that you and her are a better match and you'll become her new boyfriend.

Approach her and give her the chance to decide if you're a better choice than her boyfriend. If you're not, that's fine. Just say "next!" But if you are better ...

[SmellyOrc]

Originally Posted by eskimo

Brother, you'll know you're ready when you've figured out how you can best serve ALL of humanity and have committed your heart and your life to pursuing this path.

I lol'ed.

On-topic: If she ain't married, it's fair game. I agree with most of what supersecret...thingy (i haven't read it all ;P) said. Good advice!

[eskimo]

^ Tell me - what did you find so amusing about it?

[jsot]

Hey, I have another question related to this girl. Instead of making another topic and wasting space I thought I'd ask it here.
So, this girl and I are actually pretty good friends. She and I talk a lot, whether face-to-face, on the phone or over the Internet. On school days we might talk on MSN from the time we get home from school to when we go to bed. I'm sort of worried about cheating on her boyfriend. At what point would you say I'm cheating with this girl?

[lasti]

Originally Posted by jsot

Hey, I have another question related to this girl. Instead of making another topic and wasting space I thought I'd ask it here.
So, this girl and I are actually pretty good friends. She and I talk a lot, whether face-to-face, on the phone or over the Internet. On school days we might talk on MSN from the time we get home from school to when we go to bed. I'm sort of worried about cheating on her boyfriend. At what point would you say I'm cheating with this girl?

You can't cheat on him, only she can cheat because they have an agreement (or do you and her boyfriend have an agreement? ).

[jsot]

Originally Posted by lasti

You can't cheat on him, only she can cheat because they have an agreement (or do you and her boyfriend have an agreement? ).

I understand, I can't cheat on him per se, but I can still facilitate her cheating, which I think is just as bad. I should respect her boyfriend and not help her cheat. What I'm asking is at what point would I be enabling her cheating on her boyfriend.