My marriage broke down and I don't know where to turn, I need some help

[kthdsn]

I have been trying to make myself post here for a few weeks now but I guess I wasn't ready to admit to myself that this was real.

My marriage broke down. It happened slowly and gradually and neither of us noticed that things were going wrong until a few weeks ago. My husband told me he doesn't love me any more. I still love him, and he agreed to give it our best shot. A few days later things really seemed to be going better, but later the same day he told me he couldn't keep trying any more, he didn't love me, it wouldn't work.

He has agreed to help me start a new life in Toronto where my family live (we live in the UK) and we are both desperate for me to leave so we can both begin to pick up the pieces. We are both trying so hard to remain friends. We are currently trying to manage as normal for the children's sake until I can leave. We feel that it will be easier on them if they enjoy their father until the day we go. It's getting harder to maintain "normal" with each day that goes by.

I have everything I need in order to leave, other than money. I owe £10k on plastic here, and have no savings to take with me. James is prepared to borrow money for me to pay my debts and go with, but his credit rating is too poor to borrow. He has a friend who said he would lend him £20k but this hasn't materialised.

I feel like the only thing stopping me from leaving and starting afresh is the lack of money. I really believe that if I can get to Toronto, I will be able to get over everything and build a decent life for me and my children. I'm so sure that I can do it, if only I can get there.

I wish a fairy godmother would appear and lend me the money so I can go and start, but I don't think that is going to happen. To make matters worse, when I decided I was leaving, I quit my job. Now I can't even afford to manage here.

Every day it gets harder to see a way forwards, harder to hold it together. I feel so low right now I can imagine shooting myself in the head just to make it go away. I need an end to this hell, I need a way forwards. I can't see one. I feel stuck.

Please help me find something to hold on to, to help me move towards Toronto, to help me feel I can do it. I am ready to start on my new path, help me figure out how. Thank you for listening.

[C33]

I am sorry for your hardship. I have never been in your situation, so it is very hard for me to offer any wisdom.

It looks like you are friends with your husband and that he is supportive of you moving back to Toronto. Feel grateful that you are not biting each other's head off and making one another miserable.

Count the blessings you do have: presumably, you are healthy and your children too, and your family in Toronto loves you and will welcome you with stretched out arms.

Sometimes, we need to be in a no man's land, longer than we think we can bear it. But you will find you have more strength than you think. Maybe you need to digest the breaking up of your relationship before you start all over again.

As for money, is there a way your parents could help? Couldn t you buy your tickets with your plastic money if it is easier for you to find a job in Toronto to pay off your debt in the U.K?

Keep hope in your heart.

[kthdsn]

Thanks for answering. My parents say that they can't help me financially, and they don't think I can earn enough in toronto to survive there, pay childcare, rent, food etc as well as paying my debts off here. My dad said I can stay with them for a few days/weeks while I get my own place etc but only if I have cleared my debts and can pay for myself. I feel so stuck.

[tc33]

Hi Kate

You are obviously in a difficult situation. I'm anything but a relationship expert, so I'll leave that to someone else. However, here are two things that you already know: as much as this hurts, the pain is temporary; and your children need their mother, so continue to stay strong, at the very least for their sake (in addition to your own). You already know these things -- just don't allow your emotions to cloud your good judgement. Easier said than done? Yes, absolutely. You can think of this as one hell of a PD challenge

Finances are obviously an issue here, as you stated. I see a couple of possibilities. First, if you come to some sort of temporary arrangment with your husband and get your job back (or similar job), you can work like hell to pay off that 10k and get out of dodge. It may require some lifestyle changes, but it's reasonably achievable within a short period of time. Is it as short as you want it to be (immediate)? No, but it is a way out, albeit an uncomfortable one.

Second, you said you have family back in Toronto. Lean on them. Perhaps they're willing to help with plane tickets and short-term accommodations for you and the kids. If they are unable/unwilling to assist, use any available credit on your credit card to buy the tickets. You could even apply for a new card, buy the tickets, and then declare bankruptcy to get you out of the whole mess. Yeah, that is a crappy option that I'd avoid like the plague, but desperate times call for desperate measures.

You are strong -- you posted this out there for the world to see. You're ready for a change and are taking the proactive steps necessary to make it happen. You know you can achieve a greater life for yourself and your children, and that is something worth holding on to and fighting for. You might not be able to see it now, but you have already taken the first step towards achieving the great life you want. Too many people embrace the mouse within, and life their lives of "quiet desperation" (Thoreau). That is obviously not for you, nor should it be. Remember that this, too, shall pass.

- Tom

[tc33]

I was typing the above while you both responded...sorry for the duplicate info

- Tom

[kthdsn]

Thanks Tom, you're right, I AM strong. I keep loosing sight of that. I know that I can pick myself up and work something out, I just can't see how or what right now.

I feel like a yoyo, sometimes it is SO hard to make myself do anything at all, other times I'm raring to go, but don't know what exactly to do. What I feel most often at the moment is frustration, like nothing I've ever felt before.

I can't find my way to the beginning of my new path. All I can find are tangled, creeping weeds trying to stifle me. I want to cut them down, but I'm scared of what I'll find on the other side. I'm scared it's going to be so desperately difficult. I think I'm ready to try though.

[tc33]

Originally Posted by kthdsn

I think I'm ready to try though.

When you're at the bottom, the only way to go is up! Believe me, I've been there too, and it damn sure wasn't easy to ascend

Good luck to you and your children!

- Tom

[intentionengine]

Hi Kate, I'd like to share with you a book and a method that helped me heal in a similar situation.

The Sedona Method

or the website


Brendan

[playa77]

Originally Posted by tc33

Too many people embrace the mouse within, and life their lives of "quiet desperation" (Thoreau).

Great quote. Always thought that was Pink Floyd^^.
Get someone to advise you professionally on your debt. Here in Germany, there's a lot of free consumer/debt consulting services available.
If there's anything similar in the UK, consult with them. You will most likely start to see a light at the end of the tunnel.
I think you realize perfectly that your life has hit a low point as of now. I read the phrase "Dark Night of the Soul" on another thread.
Start tackling your problems as you've already done by posting here.
Try to get in touch with people who've been in a similar situation. From there on, the only way is up.

All the best to you!

[KeithHandy]

Originally Posted by tc33

Too many people embrace the mouse within

Where does all this uninformed stereotyping come from?? I've had pet mice for years, and they are among the most daring and fearless little creatures I've ever seen.

[tc33]

Originally Posted by TC33

Too many people embrace the mouse within, and life their lives of "quiet desperation" (Thoreau).

Oh man, the one time I write something quotable, I mess it up! This should read:
Too many people embrace the mouse within and live their lives in "quiet desperation" (Thoreau).

Originally Posted by KeithHandy

Where does all this uninformed stereotyping come from?? I've had pet mice for years, and they are among the most daring and fearless little creatures I've ever seen.

Keith, good question! I'll take your word for it. I've only had a couple of confrontations with mice, and my broom eventually won Those suckers are fast!

[kthdsn]

I hate to break up the mouse conversation, but I have more to say.

I missed out part of the story because I didn't think it was relevant, but it just became very relevant. He works with this woman on Saturday nights, and they had a fling. 2 weekends, he went home with her instead of coming home to me. I forgave him and we were working through this.

He has been staying over at her house a few nights a week, he told me he just needed a break from the pain here, and I believed him, sort of. I guess I didn't really believe, I kept asking him what was going on between them, he kept telling me nothing. I kept asking. I guess I knew. He just told me.

He's moving in with her now, I am so devastated that he lied to me, he's snatched away the last thing we had, friendship. I feel like I've been shot. The pain is so great that I daren't cry because I don't want to feel it yet. I can't believe I ignored my instincts and tried to believe him.

I guess I was clinging to the last bit of hope that we could come through this positively. I was hiding from having to hurt. I can't do that any more. It's too much to bear. I feel so alone.

I know I will get through this in the long run, but I don't know what to do right this minute, everything seems pointless. Anger keeps the pain at bay but I don't want to feel anger. I want to be positive, but I don't know how. I feel empty, nothing. The pain is trying to get at me, but I can't face it. I know I have to go through the pain to get out the other side, but I don't think I have the strength right now. It's all been knocked out of me.

[delta]

All i can say is that to you is sorry for what you feel right now i will not try and say i know what it feels like because i have no idea, but i will say this to you my freind i feel your anger and that does you or your kids any good.And yes you do have every right to be mad as hell!!!. But to make any head way you need to relax and start to think calmly like you did before, and i know that you can because you have someone close to you a freind in spirit who you have been talking to and they are listening and know you will be fine. Many people hate this when it is said but i will god is with you and so are the angels so just ask for there help! contact the people you owe money too and remmber you are alive! and your family love you so muchxx

[belugagirl]

I don't know how divorce laws work in the UK, but I used to work in a law office in the states, and debt resolution is often part of the economic settlement of the divorce, or certain debts are assigned to one party or the other. You may be entitled to some sort of spousal support from your husband, especially if his income is greater than yours and if you have been the primary caregiver for your children. If your home is jointly held, it could be sold (or he could buy you out) to help you pay off debts are relocate. Please consult an attorney as soon as possible to find out what your options are. Most divorce lawyers in the states will give an initial consultation for free; perhaps you can get SOME information or direction for free as well.

Hang in there. I can't imagine how you must be hurting, especially after discovering the dishonesty. Allow yourself to grieve, but know that you are strong. Your children need you. And it sounds like he's letting you take them with you, which is a big relief. At least you (hopefully) won't find yourself in the middle of a nasty international custody feud. That could be worse. It's hard, but where there's a will there's a way. And I'm glad you still have some will to cling to. I'm going to go intend for some money to find its way to you. Good luck, dear!

[ryder kelly]

I just read your response. This is my 1st time on a site like this. Iam searching for something-not sure what. I have been in a settlement hijack for the past 5 years. My children have grown up with it hanging over us. There is no light in the tunnel. I am trying to find a new way forward without allowing it to absorb my whole outlook on life. as I can't find closure I need to find a way to detach from it. I run my own business, on a social level I have totally withdrawn.