No wave-length

[connoisuer]

My wife of 10 years is not exactly compatible with me. I find that we both are of different wave-lengths. She is not at all interested in personal development like I am. She likes reading fiction, I like non-fiction. She hardly reads current affairs, politics, science. She is more interested in TV serials & the likes. I am the opposite.

She is a nice & sensitive lady but I feel that her lack of interest in self-growth is a big hindrance to my genuine practice of personal development. I don't think that I can ever get her hooked on to this.

I sometimes feel I am having a wrong life-partner. What should I do?
If you ask me why all this after 10 long years, I would say, that I myself have lived in denial all these years. I have pampered her when I should not have, I have agreed with her even when I knew that she was wrong, I did certain things to make her feel happy when it was a sheer waste of time and money.

I am becoming more aware of myself & my life now & see all her views & actions as incompatible with what I have now set my life to be.

How can I tackle this. Should I call it quits with her now. I would have divorced her but for our son, also she is not financially independent.
Can anyone please guide me?

[striving4peace]

There must have been something else that filled in the years between. There must be SOME common areas of interest. Surely compatibility extends beyond what your inclination to grow personally.

Also, personal development is always a personal journey. It might help a lot to have someone who is on that road with you, but it's not necessary.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

I'm in agreement with s4p.

I would also add that having a partner who is not into personal development will challenge you to grow even moreso than if you had a partner who shared your every preference.

I myself am with a partner (however not married and no kids) who is perhaps the male version of your wife in many ways. In fact, there are tons of areas where we are different. He also doesn't show an interest in determined personal development. However, I love him and as I grow and change and step more into the person I want to be, I see changes in him, in how we relate, in how I treat him.

We can't make anyone want to pursue the path of personal development. I don't think that your disparate interests are grounds for divorce, but only you can decide that of course. Just remember that there is nothing wrong with your wife. She's being who she is and is apparently happy doing so. I think that this is your issue to deal with. It's not about her. And I don't say that to place any blame on you at all either.

Can I ask you a question? Do you love your wife?

[funchy]

As I see it, she isn't doing anything wrong. She just has different tastes in books. It's not uncommon to have some different interests from a spouse.

It's not her job to help you on your self-improvement journey. This is your journey and nobody else can do it but you.

Try to reconnect on a few things you do share together. Similar interest? Hobby? Companionship? Maybe it's time for a romantic long weekend somewhere? Maybe you just need the romance spark re-ignited? Why not take her out on a date once or twice a month?

[connoisuer]

Originally Posted by {aspiring_to_clarity}

Can I ask you a question? Do you love your wife?

I'm not sure. I don't like it when she keeps on nagging me. Whenever I point this out to her she either sulks or starts crying. Then it is no communication between us for a few days & we patch up again(usually due to some external (happy) events, person or situation).

I frankly do not know if I love her. Can anyone let me know how can I find out if I really love her?
And one more thing, is it OK to have some expectations( in behavior, action, thoughts) from your partner. And what if those expectations are not forthcoming? Has anyone gone through this situation.

[Stressless]

Hi connoisuer,

Only you can tell if you genuinely love your wife or not. Can you contemplate life without her? Don't forget a)opposites attract and b)people do grow out of relationships as they grow apart.

That said, see your situation realistically - can you financially support two households? Divorce is extremely traumatic and stressful and your son would also get negatively affected. Is your wife hindering your personal growth in any way? You are actually weighing your wife in terms of time and money? Have you seen life from her point of view? You need to reflect as well as have a talk with your wife.

[Michael Chui]

Originally Posted by connoisuer

I frankly do not know if I love her. Can anyone let me know how can I find out if I really love her?

Do you want to love her?

[Pequod]

You can try the book "Too good to leave, too bad to stay" to find out if you want to stay in the relationship. The book has 30+ diagnostic questions to find out. Steve also wrote about the book

How to Decide When to End a Long-term Relationship

[seeker5]

Originally Posted by {aspiring_to_clarity}

I'm in agreement with s4p.

I'm not in agreement with you aspiring .

I would also add that having a partner who is not into personal development will challenge you to grow even moreso than if you had a partner who shared your every preference.

Having a partner who is into personal development is not the same as a partner who shares your every preference. Having being in a relationship (albeit for a short while) with someone who was very much into PD, but had some different preferences, I can tell that it's amazing how much you grow by simply talking to a partner who is also into growing. How you can talk every day about PD, about what you're doing in your own life to grow, hearing their feedback help you because they intimately know what you're talking. It's like the energy to grow would reinforce each other. Having gone through that, I can't imagine now forming a life-long relationship with someone who is also not into growing or into PD.

So, in my view, being in a relationship with someone who is absolutely not interested in growing makes it harder for you to grow. When your partner is actively seeking to grow, then it's like reinforcement for your own growing. When the partner seeks to stay stale and stay where they are, it's like a drag. As Steve, and other people have said - look at the 5 closest people you spend your time most with - that's who you'll become.

Can I ask you a question? Do you love your wife?

I think that's an irrelevant question. It's asked as if the answer is yes, then he must stay on. Naturally, if he doesn't love his wife he probably shouldn't stay on. But if the answer is that he loves her, that doesn't mean he should automatically stay on. I've seen too many people stay on too long in relationships that were detrimental to them simply because they felt that loving the other person was the only requirement to stay with them, and that it made everything ok.

Not to mention, that loving someone is a choice that you can decide to do.

Instead, I would ask perhaps ask: Are you two growing as a person by staying on? Are you two contributing more to each other's lives by being there then if you were to move on with separate people?

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by connoisuer

I frankly do not know if I love her. Can anyone let me know how can I find out if I really love her?

I'm not really sure how to answer that. It is a choice and an action to love, in my opinion. So, after reading seeker5's input as well, I'd say that the question I asked wasn't really the best one. I agree that loving someone by no means dictates you stay with them. I guess the point was that if you don't love her at all, I'd say please go. That's not a nice situation to be in for either of you. If you do love her, but this is bothering you, then you decide from there what to do.

Originally Posted by connoisuer

And one more thing, is it OK to have some expectations( in behavior, action, thoughts) from your partner. And what if those expectations are not forthcoming? Has anyone gone through this situation.

Rather than expectations, I call them preferences. Expectations imply that she should and has to do a certain thing. Preferences leave a little room for freedom. I guess it all comes down to 1) do you love your wife (and maybe, would you still be thinking about leaving even if she were into PD) 2) have you sat down with her and actually told her what your expectations/preferences are and how much they effect your decision to stay or go. If, after you've told her how you'd like things to be and what it will mean for you if things stay the same, she decides she prefers to continue as she has been then you have a choice to make: stay or go. You can do either in a kind way with love or you can do either cruelly.

I just don't know.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by connoisuer

I feel that her lack of interest in self-growth is a big hindrance to my genuine practice of personal development. I don't think that I can ever get her hooked on to this.

She is the perfect partner for you right now.

Here's your opportunity: you want to practice personal development, but you feel that another person's interest or lack thereof can affect your personal development. In other words, your personal development is at the effect of external circumstances.

What would your life be like if you were the SOURCE of your genuine practice of personal development, regardless of the thoughts, actions, or interests of your wife or anyone else? What kind of a father would you be, what kind of gifts would you be giving your child? What kind of husband would you be -- being the provider of such inspirational source-ness? A leader, a teacher, a protector, a provider?

If you are attached to getting her hooked on what you are hooked on -- if your satisfaction and fulfillment depends on her thinking like you do -- then you are not granting her the freedom to be exactly as she is and exactly as she isn't, and you're also not granting yourself the freedom to be what you want to be. No freedom = no love.

So: are you willing to generate freedom for her to be exactly as she is and exactly as she isn't? If you are, then stay. If you are not, then let her go with love. There are consequences, of course, especially for your kid; but you are doing no one any favors by remaining in a situation that you are sucking freedom out of. Your child would grow up to do the same thing, most likely: he would grow up to be a person whose satisfaction and fulfillment depends on the thoughts, actions, and interests of others as well. A person who is the source of no freedom and no love.

Choose.

[spookie149]

Everybody has been making some really good points. I'll add a few other things to consider:

Have you tried to find out why your wife is so upset these days? If yes, why?

Before the path for personal growth began, what did you love about your wife? What attracted you to her in the first place? I've heard before that we are attracted to people that fill a void we have in ourselves. Not sure if there's any truth to it, but if there is perhaps that void now feels filled?

Perhaps you are entering a different stage of adulthood and she will follow in her own time when she's ready?