How to deal with SO weight gain?

[dominick]

I'm sure this happens a lot in relationships and I've never known what is the best way to deal with it. I've been in a relationship for about 3 years. My SO has a great figure but has put on some pounds (5-10) lately. She has a good, but not great, diet (based on what I know of nutrition) and exercises moderately a couple of times a week.

I'm not sure whether this is an issue that I should bring up as I'm concerned about making her self-conscious. I also know that my idea of an ideal body image is probably warped by a lot of my previous conditioning. So perhaps this is more of an internal issue to me (ie maybe it's merely an opportunity for to grow more into unconditional love rather than internally feeling that I might have a hard time loving someone who is overweight).

On the other hand, I try my best to eat very healthy and work out a lot and am in very good shape. I've always had an expectation that my partner would be the same way so when that's not the case it is frustrating. If I did something unhealthy like smoke I would expect to be called out on it. Yet it seems with food our attachments are so personal and it tends to be a taboo topic in many relationships. I also think part of this is a genuinely unselfish desire for her to be as healthy as possible.

I'm not really sure how to approach this. If she were 50 lbs. overweight it would probably be easier to bring it up. But since she's not it's more challenging. Any thoughts?

[LordSappington]

This is a delicate matter. I wouldn't talk about her weight at all. Somehow--and someone can maybe help me out here with what exactly to say--make it about you. Join a gym together. Go swim laps together. Invite her to play tennis with you on a regular basis. Say you're cutting X food out of your diet for health reasons. Hopefully, she'll just tag along for the ride and get into shape without you ever needing to bring it up.

[aelle]

For 5-10 pounds? Really? I don't even notice when I gain or lose 5 pounds. If your SO's weight is reaching an unhealthy range, she knows it. If, healthy or not, she has a problem with her weight she will most likely let you know.

I wouldn't mind my own boyfriend commenting on my weight, but that's only because I know he has zero issue with my size (I was 50lb heavier when we started dating, and he's attracted to me all the same) and because I have no body image issues at all myself (I never dieted or felt the need to control my food or my size, I only focus on pleasure and health). If that's the case in your relationship, go ahead and comment. But just the fact that you are asking for advice suggests that you have an issue with weight gain or suspect your SO has.
There is no need to feed self esteem problems ; dealing with insecurities is more efficient and growth oriented. And you may just as well end up in the same place: in my experience a healthy weight naturally comes from a healthy mindset, not the other way round.

[funchy]

If you're worried about 5-10 pounds, this isn't a health issue, it's a vanity issue: you don't like being seen with someone who's "fat". 10 lbs is nothing. If you said 30+ lbs, especially if they're inactive, then it might be a health issue.

Instead of being negative (you're fat) approach her in a positive way (let's eat healthier and exercise together). If you eat healthy, why not cook for her a few nights a week? If you like to work out, why not ask her to come along?

[ns123]

actually, when you only weigh 115 lbs putting on 5-10 pounds is a significant difference in looks. And if you weigh 120 lbs, gaining 5-10 pounds is even worse. I think so anyway. So I would have to agree with the OP.

If you weight 200 lbs, 5-10 is nothing. Not that I'm saying anyone is fat or whatever, I'm just letting the OP know that it's ok to dislike putting on 5-10 lbs.

I suspect your SO already feels bad about putting on the weight, she just won't say it to you or admit it out loud to herself. So instead of going, honey, you are looking a bit plump, you can plan fitness activities in which you both can enjoy together.

I know when I see my man putting on some pounds (and me) it's more helpful that I bring up my own weight gain. Such as: "honey, I'm not feeling 100% happy with my weight these days. Do you feel the same about your weight?" Most of the time, he will say, "Yeah, I do! I feel fat!" So then, we decide if we can come up with a plan together, that has each other's support to feel better about our bodies. One of them is to be each other's support on running, or diet changes.

If he were to say, "Wow, baby, you're putting on a few." I'd probably just tell him to F-off. Nah, I won't do that, but that would be my first reaction. If he does this, it says to me, you are fat. It's your problem, solve it, I'm outta here.

It helps a lot more when you approach it as an issue that you can solve together, with each other's support. And you come up with a plan together. When you do this, it says to me, I care about you, I am connected to you, I am committed to working with you and supporting you in this.

Hope that helps.

[angies]

I can only speak only of my own personal experience. I think I was in your girlfriend situation before.

I found my weight crept up slowly on me over the last few years, just 5-10 pounds like you said, not enough to be called overweight just on the plump side. Since I was never overweight before so I never had any body image issue, I brushed off any well meaning hints from family and friends about my gradual weight gain with "I am happy with who I am" etc. Slowly I got a bit too fat for my clothes and feel physically uncomfortable. Still with no issue with my body image, I decided to start working out just to reduce some weight just for my own comfort. However i found I could not have enough commitment to keep up the workout schedule with any consistency. As the result I did not achieve any weight loss and eventually gave up my gym membership.

The penny dropped one day when we had a family reunion and a close family friend whom I have not seen for a while announced in front of every one that "Geez you put on some weight, why don't you do this and that blah blah blah" with her well meaning but unasked for advice. Needless to say I was furious at her for saying what she said. Although I did not realize this at the time, something clicked in my head and I know that I need to lose the extra weight. I started my workout routine again with renewed commitment and determination. After a few months, the weight slowly came off and I received much compliments from family and friends. This helped me to to fan up my enthusiasm to keep up with my workout routine.

Things were going well for a while then we had some disruption to my workout schedule with an extended holiday and busy work schedule. I found myself slipped back to the old lazy way, de-stress and eating in front of the TV at the end of the day instead of working out. It took me a long time to find my way back to start working out again and find a routine that suit me. Although I have not lost all of the 10 pounds that I put on, I am feeling very happy where I am at currently with my weight, and I hope that I can keep up with my healthy life style for my health first and foremost and then if I can look good and receive nice compliments that bright up my days then it is a bonus.

I am not sure if I answer your question, but I think I was in the same situation as your girlfriend is now.

1. I wish somebody told me to start working out before I put on 10 pounds, it is a lot easier to lose 5 than 10 pounds.
2. Well meaning advice and hint somehow does not work if you are strong minded and think you have no body image issues. Sometimes advice has to be strong to have an actual impact on you. Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind.
3. Note that suggesting about workout schedule and healthy eating should not in anyway impact how you feel or love your girlfriend. My partner loves me regardless of what size I am and he always let me know this.
4. Suggest of leasure things to do together that does not involve food.
5. Plan menus together that does not include any junk food.
6. Use short term goal to encourage her to workout eg. what are you going to wear to the family wedding and may be we should slim down so we can fit in the nice sexy dress that you bought last year etc. Once she get started and look good, she will no long need your help to spur her on.
7. most important for me is to find my own routine that suit me and not us. As we have different work schedule, it did not work for us to try to workout together. As the result I sometime don't go to the gym because my partner could not make it for some reason and vice versa. This is very disruptive and definitely did not help when you first start out a new routine.

I hope this help you in some way for your gf weight control. I am sure she needs your help.

[Alexjstrandberg]

The first step is to not judge her for it. If you judge her for it she will pick up on it and pull back and probably resent you.

It's vanity but that's not a bad thing. Next time she is around ask her to come work out with you. Don't ask her though, just lead her. "I'm going to work out at four, come with me". She comes and works out. Do this enough times and the problem is solved.

[Rose of Cairo]

Hi Dominick,

Originally Posted by dominick

On the other hand, I try my best to eat very healthy and work out a lot and am in very good shape. I've always had an expectation that my partner would be the same way so when that's not the case it is frustrating.

In case this expectation was implicit and you never talked about it, then it's not valid. She doesn't owe you anything.

If I did something unhealthy like smoke I would expect to be called out on it.

Smoking or not smoking is your decision. Do you expect others to take responsibility for your health? Isn't that up to you?

I also think part of this is a genuinely unselfish desire for her to be as healthy as possible.

That's nice of you, but her health is her business and none of yours. Wanting things for others is unhealthy. It doesn't create a space of freedom for her to simply be who she is.

What is it really about? Her health, or having a plump looking girlfriend?

If you have a problem with having an overweight girlfriend, tell her in a straightforward way. Manipulative attempts to take her to a gym aren't aligned with honesty.

If you're judging her for her weight gain or finding her less attractive this way, it's better to tell her than to judge her and find her less attractive and hide it. She'd feel it anyway, and that's worse than speaking the Truth out. If you tell her, at least she'll be able to make a clear decision after that.

[Squid]

I sincerely hope you aren't planning on having kids. Many women never take that weight off.

[Tigerlilly]

Leave her so she can find someone who really loves her all the way.

Sorry to put it like this, but I wouldn't want a boyfriend who eyes my body weight with hawk eyes for whatever reasons, therefore I can't imagine your gf wants one, but that she'd like a partner she can feel safe enough with that even if she might be a bit on the plump side( and it's no more than this) he will still love her just as much.

The way I see it, affection that is already shaken by a 5-10 pound weight gain is hardly made to weather through whatever else life may hold in store.

[Andrew Brunelle]

I wouldn't bring it up yet. If it gets worse, like 25 pounds overweight, maybe suggest working out together, but don't just come out and say, "Boy, you're getting kind of fat, huh?" You could set out positive intentions for her to start working at losing weight. And 10 pounds should come off relatively fast, depending on her base weight.

From my personal experience, when you spend a lot of time with someone and they're gaining weight gradually, it takes awhile for me to even notice until there's at least 20 pounds extra on there. You must have a very keen eye or the weight came on suddenly.

[Parthon]

The big question I would ask dominick is:

Do you love your wife any less because of extra wieght, even it if was 50 more pounds?

From reading what you said, I would say no. I can imagine concern, worry and apprehension, but you'd still love and her and care for her. Just the fact that you don't want to hurt her feelings while broaching the subject shows that.

If you think you might love her less if she changed weight, then there's some serious self evaluation required immediately. It's time to get grounded into why you are in the relationship in the first place.

I think the basis of the issue is wanting her to be healthy, but also being scared how you'd look in her eyes if you brought it up. Combine that with your concerns over the matter, and her own right to do what she wants, I can see how it could quickly become a mess.

I'd say, first find out how she's feeling about her weight. She could be worried herself and wants you to connect with her so you can overcome the new problem together. Perhaps she's enjoying it, something different and new for a change. Or even that she's enjoying the freedom from eating exactly right, or exercising as hard as normal. First you have to know where you stand on the whole matter, how she feels about it and what's going on for her, before you can do anything at all. In fact, this is all about her, and what she wants out of it.

So: Can you connect with her to find out what space she's in, and then support her in whatever she wants to do?

This doesn't mean repress yourself either. You can still express your concerns and wishes, but with more connection you can express yourself far better and with much greater consideration. Perhaps this is just an opportunity in disguise: to find out more about and get closer to the person you love.

[jaamkie]

If a woman gains a few lbs her clothes will feel uncomfortable and she'll acutely know it whether you mention it or not, so don't think that she's ignorant of the fact that she's gained weight. If you mention it, the only new information you're giving her is that you're upset by it. So don't bother trying to be manipulative about it- either hold your peace and work on your own insecurities, or be honest and tell her "I don't like that you've gained weight. How can I help you lose it?"

If you really are concerned about her health, I suggest you forget about her physical appearance and focus directly on enabling her to have better food and exercise and sleep- cook healthy meals, buy fresh fruit and veggies, plan active dates, help out with her errands/responsibilities so she can be more rested and less stressed.

[dominick]

Thanks all for the great replies. It's an interesting subject because it seems like there are some many different opinions. Some would say it shouldn't matter at all. However, I think that's hard for me to rationalize. Weight gain is almost always a sign of something else that's wrong and/or poor physical habits. If an SO isn't concerned about either of those then I would argue that they love the other person less rather than more. Weight gain also has very severe consequences health wise as one gets older. If you truly love your SO you should want to live a long, healthy life together.

There's obviously a fine line here between what might be a temporary fluctuation based on life events vs. a more significant trend and it's hard to know. The same analogy could be drawn in other areas of life. If your SO decided to smoke pot one weekend most of us would probably forgive them. However, if they were doing cocaine on a habitual basis that would be more difficult to accept. Most people would entirely understand if you left someone for repeated drug use but at the same time many people would think you're a very bad person if you left a significant other who gorged themselves on food and ended up 100 lbs overweight (not my situation at all of course). And yet I'm having a hard time seeing how one is much worse than the other (society may be currently way more accepting of one than the other of course but that is not what I am concerned with).

I guess the big question is how to approach the issue in a non-judgmental way and with love. Eating is emotional for all of us which is why so many people become irritated when it is brought up as an area of possible improvement. How do you indicate to someone that you're bringing up something because you care about them and their health rather than for purely selfish reasons of wanting a slim SO? And how do you know when the right time is to bring something up at all?

Those are the questions that seem hardest and seem mostly like judgment calls as best I can gather...

[angies]

I totally agree with your sentiment. I don't care what people said, just because you are in a steady relationship does not mean that you can stop taking care of yourself and become a big fat slop. It happens a lot, you see a nice attractive girl, she get married, fast forward a couple years after a kid, poof she is now a big fat housewife. And then wonder why the husband is having affair.

What is wrong with our society that makes us become lazy, addicted to food adn then justify that it is OK to become fat because we are happy the way we are and still demand that our partners to love us regardless of our size. And may be they so but do we love ourselves enough to get off our butt and do something about our health and appearance.

Trust me, I know what I am talking about. I have been there before. I got fat and contented in our relationship. And there is no way in the world that I would let myself go back there again. eeeccckkk...

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by dominick

If an SO isn't concerned about either of those then I would argue that they love the other person less rather than more. Weight gain also has very severe consequences health wise as one gets older. If you truly love your SO you should want to live a long, healthy life together.

I've hesitated to answer because I myself have put on 20 or 30 lbs since my SO and I have been together. For me, at 5'9", it's not a huge amount, althought seeing it in writing makes me cringe. In my case, my SO is a bit overweight too and is a fabulous cook which is how I got here in the first place!

He likes the extra butt and thighs (and I'm fine with it too as I'm not well endowed up top at all ). We could both do without the pudgy tummy.

I don't take issue with your preference for a slim partner, and especially not for your desire to have a healthy one. But your comments I've quoted don't ring true to me. There's no should, nothing that proves she loves you. The line "if you love me you would..." is sticky territory. It implies one must follow a certain set of rules to show a person they love them. Her weight gain is not an affront to you so don't take it personally or as a sign that she doesn't care. "Shoulds" are relationship killers!

Good luck with figuring out how to approach her about this. I find it's a heated topic even though I know that my SO loves me despite my weight gain, precisely because I feel so badly about it myself.

[Tigerlilly]

Originally Posted by {aspiring_to_clarity}

I've hesitated to answer because I myself have put on 20 or 30 lbs since my SO and I have been together. For me, at 5'9", it's not a huge amount, althought seeing it in writing makes me cringe.

I had to smile when I read this. Fact is, I put on about about 15 lbs myself in just a few months time. So when I first read your post, dominick, well, you already read my knee-jerk, gut reaction to it.

Have to put my foot down on this though, to me the amount of weight gain described simply is not a health issue, and you making it look like one feels dishonest to me. When I weighed so little I could no longer lean on my elbows nor lie on my stomach without hurting myself on my bones sticking out and my period had subsided into a trickle, that was a health issue. Being a bit on the chubby side isn't.

That said, I still have to admit that I was honestly happier being that thin than I am now. For my own person I know why I put on weight, which was because I was feeling stressed out and scared and needed a safety buffer. And it is calming and grounding to eat.

Unfortunately you can't help someone feeling insecure to feel safer by telling them that you disapprove of their present state of being. So I believe if your gf put on weight due to feeling a certain way like I did, adressing her looks will only make things worse.

Plus, the weight or the body of someone in general is such a sensitive topic cause it's talking about the closest thing to the other soul, the very first expression of it. It is so close to the soul that often you have trouble even in making the distinction between yourself and your body.

And last but not least, on the practical side, I think you need to realise that you can't change another person to your liking by focusing on them to change, and especially not by putting your focus and energy on something you dislike about them.

The way I see it, you can love your gf as she is right now or you can leave her. I do think though that to love her as she is right now and focus on the best in her is the preferable and most beneficial course of action, cause I can see at least three options resulting from this: 1) she may change back to her original weight cause it is returning to her natural, happy state of being. 2) she may leave you to find someone who's a better match for you or 3) you may change yourself and no longer have an issue with it at all.

[LordSappington]

I have a slightly amusing anecdote. I was meeting a female friend at a bakery today for lunch, and after we talked, we went back to the counter and oggled the delicious baked goods.

She said, "Do you want something?" and I replied, "No, thanks, I'm trying to eat better these days." To which she replied, "You're right, I probably shouldn't get anything because I'm getting a bit chubby."

Now, when I answered, it was the real reason why I didn't want anything. I have been trying to stay away from sweets because I think they're bad for me. The thought that she needed to lose weight had never even crossed my mind.

[fitx3]

Dominick,

I understand what you are saying completely and I think it's very sensitive of you to ask for help instead of saying something that would hurt her feelings. I think the best way to approach this is to workout together. Make it both fun and something that you both look forward to doing together. Try to make her see it as something more of a date with you than a grueling experience. Compliment and encourage her each time she completes a workout and generally just make her feel good about her accomplishments. You could also make healthy meals together and watch the extra lbs melt off. Encouragement is the key but do it gently with much respect.

Before I became as fit as I am now, I had gained some serious weight and my SO at the time never said anything to me about it. I wish he would have.


Good luck to you and please keep us posted!

[sbdiane]

It's really easy to gain weight living with a man. They want to eat so much. They want dinner every night. My partner and I alternate cooking. I try to tell him some nights I don't want any dinner, but he does, and it seems so unsociable to not sit at the table with him and eat at least a little bit.

It's really easy to gain weight if you get a sedentary job, too. Sitting there all day long not moving at all, you wouldn't even need the office snacks or lunches out to put on some weight. For some people, like me, even switching to bicycle commuting did not counter the sedentary job.

Also, once you reach a certain age, and it's different for each woman, weight creeps on and just won't go away. Who wants to spend their entire life listening to their stomach growl just to maintain an adolescent figure? Heck, even walking 25 miles every day for 3 months I only managed to get down to a "plump"-ish normal size. Some of us are just made a little more stocky than others. (I'm not fat, and I'm a strenuous exerciser. I have endurance like you would not believe. I will never be thin but damn I'm strong.)