Can you help me figuring out what to do now?

[Pequod]

Hello friends

Yesterday my gf and I broke up and today I tried to find out what went wrong. I journalled about my previous relationships too, to see if there are common trends.

It still was a little fuzzy for me when I did the diagnostic questions in the great book "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay". Suddenly I recognized the pattern: all my ex-gf's felt somehow insecure and needed to be excessively in control. There was always a powerstruggle, but I didn't realize it till today!!!! Also I suddenly realized that 2 of my oldest friends are also very much into controlling even the tyniest details of our relationship.

This explains so much, the tantrums, circumventing real conversations, putting excessive importance on little things, drama, my feelings of insignificance and humiliation in the relationship. And also why the relationship always ended when I stood up for myself

So now I'm wondering what to do with this insight. I'm not looking for blaming my ex-gf's, I only want to know what *I* can do to attract a healthy relationship. Here are some of the questions I'm struggling with:

I somehow feel often attracted to women who are somewhat cool, proud and emotionally distant, but I see now that that won't help me. But how to change it?
And how can I change the kind of women that I attract in my life for romance?
Maybe I have a hidden belief that causes this?

It's all quite new and confusing for me (I'm thinking: how could I have missed this all this time!) and I like to hear your advice!

[angies]

You are half way there already when you identify your thinking pattern. In a way it is basic human psychology to be attracted to girls who are "cool, proud and emotionally distant". They trigger the basic instinct in men to pursue and conquer. But once the prize is claimed, we all have to work out how to share our life with another person.

If your aim is to find a life long partner to share your life journey then first you need to go back to basics and work out what is your character and what characters you like in your partner. Once this is done, you know what to watch out for when you meet the next "cool, proud and emotionally distant". Look out to the tell tale sign of the characters traits that you would like your partners to have.

Us women do the same too, we always attracted to bad boys because they are more exciting and often more attractive than the normal boys next door. In new relationships, we all struggle to find/see the real person behind the games, the looks, the facade. Only when you achieve this that you can say that you are mature enough to take the relationship to the next level.

[funchy]

I am really sorry to hear things didn't work out for you. Try not to blame yourself too much. Some relationships just aren't meant to be.


How long were you with her? Do you think you were the one who first noticed the relationship was unsatisfying? Or did she?

You asked for advice on things to consider when examining relationships. These may not apply to you at all, but here are some things that might be relevant:

Is there anything you were doing that might've been feeding the power struggle? It takes two to struggle.

How do you address conflict? Or for example, you mention "circumventing real conversations"? What happened? What was your reaction?

One of the biggest problems that doom relationships is lack of good communication. Did she ever indicate this might be one of the problems? Did she say things like "you never listen to me" or "you don't understand"?

When you say stand up for yourself how did you do it? Is there any chance that your built-up frustrations overwhelmed you, and you might've said unkind things in the heat of the moment? In other words, maybe it wasn't that you spoke up but the manner in which it was done?

[Pequod]

Originally Posted by angies

If your aim is to find a life long partner to share your life journey then first you need to go back to basics and work out what is your character and what characters you like in your partner.

Yes, that is a good thing to do. I'm working on it. Let's intention-manifest!

[Pequod]

Originally Posted by funchy

I am really sorry to hear things didn't work out for you. Try not to blame yourself too much. Some relationships just aren't meant to be.

Thanks for your kind words I'm ok right now. I'm sad that things didn't work out, but at the same time I'm grateful for meeting her, the fun we had and because she really propelled my growth in relationships. I know I come out of this a better man.

Originally Posted by funchy

How long were you with her? Do you think you were the one who first noticed the relationship was unsatisfying? Or did she?

This last relationship wasn't very long (2 months) but I also looked at patterns in my previous relationships. Those were longer (1-2 years).

Originally Posted by funchy

Is there anything you were doing that might've been feeding the power struggle? It takes two to struggle.

Well, it is more that I seem to get crushes for women who need to control excessively. Real fights for power have been sparse. Usually I gave in because "it is just a little thing". Of course, after a while of always giving in, I felt drained. In retrospect it's more that it was always a struggle to get simple needs met in my previous relationships.

A few examples:
- with one girl I was going to travel in the summer. First we wanted to go to Malaysia, visiting a friend of her. Then she didn't want to meet the friend (while I was already planning everything). So we changed plans to go to Indonesia. A month later, she didn't want to go so far. I was disappointed, but gave in at the end. So we would travel through Europe. We decided to go to Spain and Morocco. On the day we bought tickets she changed her mind again and wanted to go to Portugal. I refused and even had to go so far to tell her I would rather not go on vacation with her than change plans again

- one girl didn't know the city I live, so I organised a date with her in my city. The exact plan I kept a surprise, I just told her:"Ware comfortable clothes and keep the rest of the day free". On the date, she knew the whole city-plan, my adress and started talking about my neigbourhood etc. When I asked her how she knew, she told me she reseached it on internet (If she had just asked me, I would have told her).

- in none of my previous relationships we made plans about the future of our relation.

- what was always lacking is an easy, natural flow of giving & receiving. There was no natural flow in this, but always tension and unspoken struggle like in a chess match

- It was more 2 people who live their own separate lives and come together now and then to 'have a relationship'. The 'we' component was missing.

Originally Posted by funchy

How do you address conflict? Or for example, you mention "circumventing real conversations"? What happened? What was your reaction?

When I tried to talk about things that didn't go well in my opinion, I never get a real conversation. I get answers like "I do this because you always X", and then X would be the subject of our conversation instead of my concerns. When I told her I saw through this mechanism, she would say: "Ok, its your call. Do you want to quit?". Still no real conversation.

Originally Posted by funchy

One of the biggest problems that doom relationships is lack of good communication. Did she ever indicate this might be one of the problems? Did she say things like "you never listen to me" or "you don't understand"?

No, I usually get compliments because I'm understanding and accept other people as they are.
Only when I try to talk about problems in the relationship I get such answers (and of course no real conversations about my issues)

Originally Posted by funchy

When you say stand up for yourself how did you do it? Is there any chance that your built-up frustrations overwhelmed you, and you might've said unkind things in the heat of the moment? In other words, maybe it wasn't that you spoke up but the manner in which it was done?

No, I have never quit a relationship in the heat of the moment, always after ample deliberation and a normal talk.