He is so selfish but do I keep on thinking about it

[SenoritaBonita]

My bf and I broke up for the thousands time a couple of weeks ago. He is a very selfish person. The reason it's ended is that I recently lost my job and was telling him that I was on his company's website just looking at the products/exec team etc. I didn't plan or want to even submit my resume at his company, but he started yelling at me saying that all job applications at my company have to go through me, what the f4ck I am doing looking at his company's website. When he told me "f4ck off" i knew it was it for me. Since then, I haven't contacted him in any way. He tried contacting me a few times - left messages (I deleted them without listening), IM, SMS. I haven't talked to him and don't have any intentions of doing so. Yet, I catch myself staring at the phone for blinking messages, checking my cell, etc. He is the most selfish man there is and I understand it. Over those 3 years we have been together, he forgot my birthdays, we never celebrated a single anniversary, I haven't met his family or friends (he's met my family and a few of my friends), he doesn't pick me up at the airport, didn't come to visit me after my dental surgery, doesn't want to travel with me (we haven't left the province of Ontario while we were dating). He is great at talking an he keeps on telling me that he is doing his best and I can't really see it. He was my first serious bf and the second man I slept with in my life. A few months ago he accused me of cheating on him because he found some silly photos of me in my bra on the bus dating back to 2004 (I was 20 years old) and was just being stupid. He called me every name under the sun. I know he is not for me. Why do I keep on checking my phones and emails? I don't want to talk to him, but why I am thinking about all this all the time???? I go to bed thinking about how badly he treated me and wake up feeling the same way. When is it going to stop???? Is it something you have to power through because I am having a really hard time. I miss the good times, but I definitely don't want to get back together with him.....grrr, when is it going to stop???

[Ttrimm]

Selfish husband huh? Doesn't travel with you? Doesn't pick you up at the airport? Doesn't even care about your birthday?!?!?! The best choice is to just find a person who he's friends with and the friend of him knows you too, so ask your husband's friend what's wrong with him. What's he caring about? If he has no reason for this, he must be retarded

[stealth87]

Allow yourself to feel anything and everything that arises. Feel it deeply and completely. This includes feeling any tensions and resistance that arises.

This might sound a little fairy, but I can assure you it's not. I was recently involved in a very painful breakup. The more I tried to resist my thoughts and feelings, the more they intensified and took me over. I spent two months trying to get over my ex, by resisting the feelings of pain and just rushing through the grieving process. Needless to say, it was hell.

Once I just allowed myself to feel the pain completely with full-openness, a very subtle transmutation started to take place. Sure, it's extremely unpleasant to do so, especially when you are so determined to get over your ex. But the most important thing is to be true to your self. The emotions and thoughts might still be there, but they won't have a grasp on you.

Regards,
Diego

[SenoritaBonita]

Originally Posted by Ttrimm

Selfish husband huh? Doesn't travel with you? Doesn't pick you up at the airport? Doesn't even care about your birthday?!?!?! The best choice is to just find a person who he's friends with and the friend of him knows you too, so ask your husband's friend what's wrong with him. What's he caring about? If he has no reason for this, he must be retarded

That's the thing - I don't know any of his friends in person. He's very anti-social and has some people on his MSN who I have never met and a couple of people in Toronto who I have never met either. He never introduced me to his family or friends. He sees his friends a few times a year and always without me.

[SenoritaBonita]

Originally Posted by stealth87

Allow yourself to feel anything and everything that arises. Feel it deeply and completely. This includes feeling any tensions and resistance that arises.

This might sound a little fairy, but I can assure you it's not. I was recently involved in a very painful breakup. The more I tried to resist my thoughts and feelings, the more they intensified and took me over. I spent two months trying to get over my ex, by resisting the feelings of pain and just rushing through the grieving process. Needless to say, it was hell.

Once I just allowed myself to feel the pain completely with full-openness, a very subtle transmutation started to take place. Sure, it's extremely unpleasant to do so, especially when you are so determined to get over your ex. But the most important thing is to be true to your self. The emotions and thoughts might still be there, but they won't have a grasp on you.

Regards,
Diego

Hi Diego,

Thanks for the insight. With all those emotions I am too eager to get over him and just forget it. I know it's impossible. So I guess the only thing I can do now is take care of my emotions and don't have any contact with my ex. I thought it was going to be easier. He used to make me feel bad for wanting his attention and I know now that I am allowed to ask for attention in relationship.

[MagicalRealist]

Originally Posted by SenoritaBonita

...he keeps on telling me that he is doing his best and I can't really see it.

Oh, he's doing his best, all right. It's just that his best happens to be crap.

I know he is not for me. Why do I keep on checking my phones and emails? I don't want to talk to him, but why I am thinking about all this all the time????

Here's my best guess, based on a similar experience:

You don't want to be with him anymore, you know he's bad for you, you know breaking it off is the right thing. But deep down, you wish he'd call because that would mean that he really did love you and that he knew he'd made a mistake--instead of simply being a jerk who treated you badly and didn't care.

Unfortunately, he is a jerk who doesn't care. But that's okay because you never have to waste another minute of your life on him.

He's your first real boyfriend--and he's an ass. Hey! Guess what! So was mine! Welcome to the club!

There are better men out there, and at least one of them is looking for someone like you. Take some time off to figure out why you put up with your ex's garbage, and why you didn't dump him earlier, and why you felt you had to stay with him as long as you did. Then, when you go back out in the dating world looking for someone else, you won't settle for less.

You deserve so much better; you just have to convince yourself of that.

[SenoritaBonita]

Originally Posted by MagicalRealist

Oh, he's doing his best, all right. It's just that his best happens to be crap.

Here's my best guess, based on a similar experience:

You don't want to be with him anymore, you know he's bad for you, you know breaking it off is the right thing. But deep down, you wish he'd call because that would mean that he really did love you and that he knew he'd made a mistake--instead of simply being a jerk who treated you badly and didn't care.

Unfortunately, he is a jerk who doesn't care. But that's okay because you never have to waste another minute of your life on him.

He's your first real boyfriend--and he's an ass. Hey! Guess what! So was mine! Welcome to the club!

There are better men out there, and at least one of them is looking for someone like you. Take some time off to figure out why you put up with your ex's garbage, and why you didn't dump him earlier, and why you felt you had to stay with him as long as you did. Then, when you go back out in the dating world looking for someone else, you won't settle for less.

You deserve so much better; you just have to convince yourself of that.

BINGO! MagicalRealist, your post sums things up so well that I want to print it, cut it out and carry it around with me as a reminder. You are absolutely right! I stuck around hoping things will get better and change as my mind couldn't understand how you can love someone and forget about her birthday or disappear for days on end without letting her know (he later told me that he heard the phone ringing and his buddy asked why he didn't pick up. My ex is referring to that book "Women are from Venus..." that all men need caves. I've never been an imposing person and like to have my space and give him his. But there's a big difference between disappearing for days or letting me know that he's at his friend's place and will be back in a few days). There are so many things. And I used to hope that ass will change. Ohh, and moreover, he'd make me feel like I'm asking him too much - yet when I didn't ask for anything, I got nothing anyway. So what's the difference?
Thank you so much for putting it down so well. I should be able to do it myself, but my head is not clear enough.

Now, it's been two weeks and he keeps on calling very casually as if nothing happened.

You are right, we DO deserve better, much better.

Thanks a lot. Your post really helped me. No jerk around me is allowed. I also set some things up for me so I will have some get-over it time away - will spend the holidays out of the country with my parents and do some travelling. And hopefully after new year's things will start going back on track.

Thanks for your insight and happy holidays!

[quirky]

Magicrealist - I am going to print out your post too.

I have been married for 17 years but your comments are still valid.
So simple and refreshing!

I am tired of trying to make people love me. I am tired of trying to love people who really do not deserve it. Oh that sounds bitter but I only mean I am tired of my own behavior.

[SenoritaBonita]

Originally Posted by quirky

Magicrealist - I am going to print out your post too.

I have been married for 17 years but your comments are still valid.
So simple and refreshing!

I am tired of trying to make people love me. I am tired of trying to love people who really do not deserve it. Oh that sounds bitter but I only mean I am tired of my own behavior.

I agree with you too. I got sick and tired of my own behaviour and just a second before I logged in on the website I was re-reading MR's post - so very true. It all comes to us - we'll believe whatever we want to believe and make up any sort of excuses to justify their behaviour. The fact though is that relationships are not easy, you have to invest in them and as a giving person myself, I realized that enough is enough and no matter what's happening in life, I will not stay with the one who isn't making me happy and is good at making excuses to justify his behaviour. I made up all the ideals in my head and tried to push him closer to what I thought he was. Guess what? I was wrong. He's never been even a friend to me, because friends remember each others' birthdays and care not to hurt you. Your friends are always on your side, even if you are wrong. So here, I just answered my own question and hope that helps you as well.

[catalyst]

Originally Posted by SenoritaBonita

I agree with you too. I got sick and tired of my own behaviour and just a second before I logged in on the website I was re-reading MR's post - so very true. It all comes to us - we'll believe whatever we want to believe and make up any sort of excuses to justify their behaviour. The fact though is that relationships are not easy, you have to invest in them and as a giving person myself, I realized that enough is enough and no matter what's happening in life, I will not stay with the one who isn't making me happy and is good at making excuses to justify his behaviour. I made up all the ideals in my head and tried to push him closer to what I thought he was. Guess what? I was wrong. He's never been even a friend to me, because friends remember each others' birthdays and care not to hurt you. Your friends are always on your side, even if you are wrong. So here, I just answered my own question and hope that helps you as well.

Good for you Senorita.

Don't settle for anything less than someone who brings out the best in you. Someone who believes in you 110%. May take some time, but it's worth the wait. Better to have no relationship than one that makes you feel like smaller person.

Keep holding your head up high

[SenoritaBonita]

Originally Posted by catalyst

Good for you Senorita.

Don't settle for anything less than someone who brings out the best in you. Someone who believes in you 110%. May take some time, but it's worth the wait. Better to have no relationship than one that makes you feel like smaller person.

Keep holding your head up high

See, the hardest part is when he calls. Like an hour ago, he left a message wondering where I was (are you on a trip? busy? what's going on?). I'm on the trip, alright. I am exactly where he sent me two weeks ago - in the f4ck off land. I'm fine not to call him and not to contact him, what I don't understand is why he keeps on calling me wondering where I am, making excuses that I must be busy to call him back??? He told me off, I agreed to take it. What else does he want from me? I know he won't stop for a while.What to do????? I know that he thinks that I'm just very busy (no matter how busy I am, I always used to find time for him when we were together) and can't return a thousand of his last calls. Geez, let me go already. I want to email him and tell him off, but I know where it ca lead - I don't want any email exchanges and starting at square one. HELP!