Looking for support from other divorced parents

[PlainTired]

My husband and I have been separated for 1 1/2 years. Eventhough time has healed the wounds of a failed marriage, I cannot seem to cope with our children visiting him. Every week the boys go to his house for usually 1 or 2 nights and on occasion there is the 3 night stay. Every time they leave I become completely overwhelmed with a feeling of unrelenting grief. It completely engulfs me. I feel sick to my stomach, I sob and cry uncontrolably. I need to know that this is a normal stage....that things will get better. The boys are with their dad for the Thanksgiving break and will return home on Sunday. I feel like I'm going insane. Does it ever get easier? I need some input from people who have been there or are going through it.

[eskimo]

PlainTired, I don't know what you're feeling but I am going through something similar, though from a father's perspective. I want to spend more time with and develop a good relationship my children but my ex-wife is doing everything she can to make things difficult. She holds this view because she feels that since she was the nurturing parent throughout the marriage and I was the aloof dad, I don't deserve to have a relationship with the children.

I don't believe that I, as the parent, am the owner of my children with ownership rights and credits, but rather my responsibility is to servant lead and guide & shepherd them along their lives. I can see that the children want to receive my love and affirmation, but they're afraid to receive it for fear of upsetting their mother. But I know from God's perspective, it's good for them to have good relationships with both of us.

Perhaps this helps...

Steve

[Tonya]

Hi PlainTired,

I am exactly the same predicament...we have been separated (weren't ever married but the fact that we weren't married does not make it any easier) now for 2 years, our daughter is 4, and she goes to stay with her dad 2 nights a week now ( it was 3 nights).

I believe wholeheartedly that she should have a full and meaningful relationship with her dad. Most of the time I can cope with her going to stay at his because I know it's for the best, even tho I miss her so much. However, Christmastime is a whole different kettle of fish!! Last year it was his turn to have her over xmas and I was pretty miserable, but I coped by having our own xmas day on boxing day (or something I can't remember exactly). This year it's my turn to have her and I think I actually feel worse!!

So it must be the guilt that's making me feel just awful. Here's what I feel now all the time, in this run up to xmas...guilt about what's happened in the past, total despair, hopelessness for the future, a bad person/mother, regret that I should have tried harder in the relationship (because maybe staying in the relationship wouldn't have been as bad as it feels now), how will I ever enjpy xmas/birthdays again?

And the list of negative thoughts could go on...

I know how crushing it is..and it doesn't help to see happy families around you does it?

I can't give you any advice because I'm at the stage that you are where it doesn't feel as if it's getting easier...all I can do is say how much I understand how you're feeling.

The way I'm trying to cope this year..and I've already been to the doctors for stress/ depression but she said I wasn't depressed!...is, when she's away at her Dad's, be happy for them that they'll be having a nice time over the festive period (she'll be going for 4 days this week), and I'll keep myself busy with overdue university coursework...and when she's here with me just make her as happy as I possibly can without spoiling her!

Not very profound I know - sorry!-but sometimes I've just got to make a 'virtue of necessity'...and no, it isn't an ideal situation, but what can you do? There's no more 'fixing' that can be done..there's no turning back the clock and magically making it all ok again, because we would have done that already, considering the amount of pain we're going through!!

I hope it helps you knowing that you're not the only one going through this terrible pain...if you want to email me or whatever feel free to..

Love Tonya X

Ps Think I may start making St Johns wort again!

[tintin]

hm sad to see the kids being used as pawns to stroke egos of an insecure parent.
the 'it' parent is using them for leverage.
if one thinks that the emotional issues between husband and wife end with divorce thats not true.
obviously the pending ♥♥♥♥♥ is still very much affecting and preventing the both of you in living a content peaceful life
sigh! no running away from it
you still gotta deal with it..so do start looking at resolving it.and that might mean opening old tomes of grudges etc.but you no longer have to come from there you know th 'muck' .maybe some apologies forgiveness and acceptance might be in order.
all the best you guys you can resolve it if you want it enough
and be at peace..
(:P i hope i haven broken up a party here)

[Tonya]

Tintin,

Didn't quite understand what you were trying to say.

I don't think it's true that a person can resolve something as long as they want it badly enough...that's like saying you can achieve world peace and end all suffering if you want it badly enough...not going to happen!!

[robc]

Originally Posted by Tonya

Tintin,

Didn't quite understand what you were trying to say.

I don't think it's true that a person can resolve something as long as they want it badly enough...that's like saying you can achieve world peace and end all suffering if you want it badly enough...not going to happen!!

Relationships require mutual respect - lots of it.
As soon as one person in a relationship disrespects another person and steps over that boundary and the other person never holds them to it, they acknowledge that it's ok to be hurt, it's ok to be taken advantage of. You setup that type of behavior and it's very hard to reverse the damage.

It's not impossible but it's very hard.

Respect has to be re-established, trust needs to be established, both people need to realize that the other person isn't a doormat and that they need to respect that person & make that person's well being a priority in their lives.

One person can't do that alone. In every relationship there is dual responsibility, I don't care about what he did, what she did. There is always dual responsibility.

You can't forget past grievances, that's a given.
You can forgive them though and that is painful for alot of people.
When you are hurt by someone you love, your heart gets closed and it makes you much harder as a person, not willing to open up & trust again because the possibility that you can get hurt again also exists but unfortunately that is what true love is about, putting your heart out there and risking it and knowing that you can get hurt again.

The feeling of sadness that you feel when you're kids are staying with your ex is the feeling of guilt, the feeling of lost dreams, what could have been but what currently isn't, the lonely feeling in your heart that says I'm wounded, I'm hurt, can someone love me and take care of me again, I miss being loved and held, I miss having a whole family because being apart means my family is broken, etc. Those are all hard feelings to live with and it can be a struggle each time you feel those emotions, they can be overwhelming. Maybe it's time for you to cry on someone's shoulder and let out those emotions that are welling up deep inside of you, it is painful to do this but the one time you do and release alot of that anxiety and negative energy you will slowly start to feel better - maybe not that day, week or month but it will happen.

Have some self-respect (it's hard because sometimes it feels selfish to want to take care of your needs), you deserve to take care of yourself and no one else is going to do that for you. Realize that alot of your personal strength will be manifested when you start standing up for yourself, taking care of yourself and acknowledging to yourself that are worth it.

Letting go of the past means forgiving people (not forgetting) of the bad things they have done to you and how they have negatively affected your life. It doesn't require you speaking to them in person. It requires you letting go of the past because it is in the past and you can't change what has happened, you live in the now & the present and that is where you should focus you're energy. When you let go of the past and all those events that hurt you in the past and focus you're energies on the present you will notice that you have more energy to function, your life will slowly get better.

Letting go of the past means taking responsibility for the things you did to yourself and other people in the past that facilitated your current situation. Believe it or not you contributed to your current situation - I don't care what anyone says, believing otherwise means we don't take responsibility for our own lives and that is something we can never do. We are responsible for our own lives and things that happened to us in our lives happened because we let them happen: maybe if I do this for him, he will love me more; maybe if I buy this for her she will love me more; maybe if I do everything for that other person they will realize how great I am and finally love me the way I need to be loved, maybe if I focus on their needs and stop worrying about my needs they will do the same for me.... Nope, Nope, Nope, and Nope!

People respect people that respect themselves, when you give up your life to put that other person's needs at the top of your list of priorities so that the other person will love you more and treat you better it is wrong and down right manipulative but I see so many people living lives like that now. And then when it doesn't work out you wonder why did he/she do this to me, why didn't they love me the way I loved them? If you feel that your ex didn't love you enough and treat you good enough it's because you communicated to them that it was ok for you to not to live a good life, to drop your life to help them without any worry about your life, you communicated to them that you have no self-respect, you have no value, no strength and that you don't love yourself and unfortunately most people in a relationship (not all) will take advantage of their spouse and treat them poorly because in the end you communicated to them that you were a doormat and that you had no value.

Time to pump yourself up and take care of yourself.
- You have a lot of value.
- You are a great person.
- You love yourself more than anyone else and in doing so you will receive more love in your life because you communicate to other people that you love yourself and you are a person that should be loved.
- You will be a great example to your children because they learn from watching you and if you sulk and live in depression about your failed relationship they will grow up and do the same and that is a horrible realization that people discover too late in life. Do you want your kids to end up in a similar relationship? Do you want them to feel the same way you feel now: negative & depressed & unloved? Teach them that they have great value and will have great things in their lives and you do that by living the life and setting the example for them. Your example of how you live your life is their way of learning - children learn from their parents, make sure you are teaching them the right lessons.
- Pick yourself up today
- yesterday is gone, today is a better day
- write down all the things you are grateful for, maintain a gratitude journal and be thankful for what you have instead of focusing on what you don't have
- take responsibility for all your actions and realize that you wield an incredible power, the power to manifest your life in the direction you want to take it in, you just have to be brave enough to go in the direction that you have never gone before
- let go of self-pity
- focus on the positive, no matter how small or insignificant it may be to begin with, the snow ball will gain mass as it rolls down the hill - give it some time

No matter what curve balls life throws at you (and it will throw many at you), you will get up, dust yourself off and continue moving in a positive direction.

Start today, not tomorrow.

You want people in your life to take notice of you, start noticing yourself first and worry only about how you think of yourself and not what others think of you. You are in charge of your self-esteem and self-value, you determine it and no one else determines that value - claim that power and stop leaving those things in the hands of other people - it is your responsibility.

I want to hear more from you when you have some time and more courage to reply back.