Toxic Family

[shakra]

I have a complicated family situation..


The eldest child of my parents.. they split when I was 3 and divorced when I was 7.

I have a brother and sister from each parent's second marriage. Hence.. I have two half brothers and two half sisters.. but I just call them all my brothers and sisters.

My mother has since married a third time.

My major problem is my father and my step-mother. They are controlling, negative people who obsess about money and financial success. I dont think I have ever heard either of them tell any of us kids that they love them unless it was in response to me saying it first. My father signs his emails to me "regards Dad"

I would like to just cut them off as it seems like the simplest and most pain free option.. I really dont want to waste my energy telling them how I feel as I believe that none of it will be taken on board.

My sister (Dad and step-mum's daughter) has been overweight since she was a baby.. and all they do is wear her down in terms of picking on her about her weight and her laziness etc.. which I believe is a direct result of her upbringing.

I'm 35 and I really dont feel like wasting my positive energy on people that leave me feeling empty, hollow and unloved... so I feel it's just easier to stay away from the family and catch up on the few occaisions over the year.. birthdays, christmas etc..


feels kinda good to get this off my chest.. and thats just the start of it.. I have so much more to say.. but dont want to just go.. BLaaaHHHHH.. I havent been able to talk to ANYONE about this..

[Rockchick26]

I am in the same boat you are! I have posted on here a lot about this issue with my dad being negative and controlling and i didnt really get very far with it,because people either told me to tell my dad off or move away and tell him i am done talking to him. Well i am not a mean person and i can't do either of those things.

So,it's hard for me to give advice to someone else who is in the same situation,but i just wanted to know i understand,and if you want someone to vent to,i can listen and i can vent to you too and we know we wont be judging each other It's just extremely hard to deal with when its FAMILY (and you only get one!) but these people are wrecking our lives. And then you get people who say youre allowing it so its your fault,well,thats a lot easier to deal with when its a friend or a co worker but when its your own PARENTS? They're irreplacable.

[shakra]

Originally Posted by Rockchick26

I am in the same boat you are! I have posted on here a lot about this issue with my dad being negative and controlling and i didnt really get very far with it,because people either told me to tell my dad off or move away and tell him i am done talking to him. Well i am not a mean person and i can't do either of those things.

So,it's hard for me to give advice to someone else who is in the same situation,but i just wanted to know i understand,and if you want someone to vent to,i can listen and i can vent to you too and we know we wont be judging each other It's just extremely hard to deal with when its FAMILY (and you only get one!) but these people are wrecking our lives. And then you get people who say youre allowing it so its your fault,well,thats a lot easier to deal with when its a friend or a co worker but when its your own PARENTS? They're irreplacable.

Thanks RockChick! It means a lot just getting a single supportive response...

Ultimately.. I feel comfortable with my spiritual development, and although they are practicing christians/catholics.. that really means nothing when they treat their own kids with such contempt.

I'm waiting for them to confront me as to why they never see me.. and then I will break it to them gently...



here's something I need to vent..

they always say.. if you need help.. tell us.. so a few months ago.. I needed financial assistance.. I went to them and asked to borrow about $4000 to get out of debt and that I would then be able to get a loan and pay them back.

They were going to Vegas.. so all they could lend me was $300.. but they sat me on the lounge and gave me the whole "what are you doing with your life" rant..

My stepmother had the gall to bring up the fact that when my mother left my father (after being belted up and having a knife held to her throat) she left him with some debt for some furniture that they got on credit and that it took him years to pay it off... WELL HELLO! If he hadnt been abusive.. maybe the marriage would have worked... thats all besides the point when that issue was between my mother and my father... years and years before my stepmother and father even met.. why the hell dish it on me??? I need to confront her about this eventually... but shes going through menopause.. so I might have to wait... because i'm not like her.. I care about how I make people feel... and I know she will cry when I put it on her..


aaah...


Feels so good just go get it out there!

[shakra]

your turn!!!


spill the beans Rockwoman! it feels so good!

[Rockchick26]

Originally Posted by shakra

Ultimately.. I feel comfortable with my spiritual development, and although they are practicing christians/catholics.. that really means nothing when they treat their own kids with such contempt.

My dad is a practicing Catholic too! Does your dad also get down on you for not going to church? Geez i am surprised my dad even talks to me since i quit going to church,all he kept repeating was "All i wanted was for my family to keep going to church!"

I'm waiting for them to confront me as to why they never see me.. and then I will break it to them gently...

I get that all the time. "how come you never call me?" "how come you never come over anymore?" But,i dont know how old you are,but i'm 36 and i should be building my own life,not acting like a teenager still under my parents' rules. I am trying to establish a better career and find a man to share my life with. Are you single? Tell your parents (if you are over 18) that you need to build your life,they did their job by raising you and now you have to find yourself and live your life. I tell my dad that but he still gets mad and says i am too busy for my family,so,i just realized it'll never sink in,but it's all you can do if they are that stupid to see what being an adult means.

they always say.. if you need help.. tell us.. so a few months ago.. I needed financial assistance.. I went to them and asked to borrow about $4000 to get out of debt and that I would then be able to get a loan and pay them back.

They were going to Vegas.. so all they could lend me was $300.. but they sat me on the lounge and gave me the whole "what are you doing with your life" rant..

My stepmother had the gall to bring up the fact that when my mother left my father (after being belted up and having a knife held to her throat) she left him with some debt for some furniture that they got on credit and that it took him years to pay it off... WELL HELLO! If he hadnt been abusive.. maybe the marriage would have worked... thats all besides the point when that issue was between my mother and my father... years and years before my stepmother and father even met.. why the hell dish it on me??? I need to confront her about this eventually... but shes going through menopause.. so I might have to wait... because i'm not like her.. I care about how I make people feel... and I know she will cry when I put it on her..


aaah...


Feels so good just go get it out there!

yeah i agree it was unfair for her to bring that all up on you. And why are they getting upset about your life when you are obvously trying to borrow the money to FIX it?! Duh! lol

I have a similar rant...my dad says i never have anything to say and i dont talk enough,well then when i DO talk or share something,he bombards me with negative comments and questions like "Well why are you doing that,that's stupid!" So then i remember why i stay quiet in the first place

[Zenessa]

Im sort of in the same situation. My parents have always told me they love me, never criticise my choices (ive been a vegetarian for 12 years and stopped going to church about 15 years ago) but they have a very bad habit of always putting money on a pedestal. Especially my dad, he's aways said that 'money is everything' it is such a very toxic way of thinking and we have had many arguments over it. He works 6 days a week, is always tired when he gets home from work and really should be retiring, but money has such a control over him. I should clarify I dont mean that he is in a wealthy financial position, far from it. He's been working since we was about 10 and I guess money is survival to him. I was following the same pattern, working 2 jobs, 12 hour days, but something in me snapped. I now work much less hours, enough to surivive, and I am so much happier for it. It comes down to the realisation that just because they are my parents, doesnt mean that their way of life is right for me.

There are many issues that my dad and I dont agree on and argue over (ive inherited my dad's short fuse) but I try to percieve it as a test of innner strength. He's not going to change his views, and well as much as I would like him to, their his and he's entitled to them. I just need to learn to not let it affect me.

[Rockchick26]

Originally Posted by Zenessa

It comes down to the realisation that just because they are my parents, doesnt mean that their way of life is right for me.

This is so true! If only THEY would realize this too! That's the main thing that bugs me about my dad is that he not only expects me to live like him,he starts to demand it!! And when i draw the line,he gets even more upset!

[Alexjstrandberg]

good for you. That is a great decision. My girlfriend cut off her family about a year ago (they were very destructive) and she has grown exponentially since then and is much happier because of it.

I've always felt that family is a choice that you make. I consider my friends and my girlfriend more of a family then my blood family.

[Pace]

A question that helps me when dealing with these kinds of situations is "What do I want to get out of this relationship, this interaction, or this visit?"

Sometimes the answer is "I want to get money out of them." Sometimes the answer is "I want to keep in touch," in which case the next question is "Why do I want to keep in touch? What am I getting out of keeping in touch?" Is it important for me to feel connected, or am I avoiding guilt, or is there something positive or useful I'm getting out of keeping in touch?

I was keeping a lot of relationships in my life just out of habit, because it didn't occur to me that I could prune that ones that weren't serving me. Once I started asking myself the question "What do I want to get out of this relationship?" it wasn't too long until I was surrounded by pretty awesome people.

[hithere]

Originally Posted by Pace

Once I started asking myself the question "What do I want to get out of this relationship?" it wasn't too long until I was surrounded by pretty awesome people.

Thank you for this beautiful peace of advice; unfortunately, when I asked this question about the four most horrible, painful relationships in my life right now, I came up with perfectly rational responses. Specifically,

"good advice"-something I'll never get from person #1
"health insurance, food, and money for college"-That's two people who are gonna stay in my life for a long time...
"Honestly, I have no clue. Screw these people."-There goes all but one of my peers, for whom the answer was "tater tots with mixed vegetables and smiles".

Yeah, tater tots and smiles. Unfortunately, this person happens to be quite highly devoted to the group of peers I shall utterly abandon with only a parting glance on Wednesday.

Still, I'm gonna miss those tater tots with mixed veggies. Smiles should be comparatively easy to come by...

Oh well, I can always get my own tater tots....not at the same time as mixed veggies, though...

Sorry. Continue.

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by shakra

I'm 35 and I really dont feel like wasting my positive energy on people that leave me feeling empty, hollow and unloved... so I feel it's just easier to stay away from the family and catch up on the few occaisions over the year.. birthdays, christmas etc..

So why don't you? It's not like you owe them anything... (really, you don't)

Loosening the bonds may also help improve the relationship in the long run. The distance will allow you to break out of your habitual patterns and then, hopefully, establish new ones that are less toxic.

[MagicalRealist]

Originally Posted by JimOfferman

Loosening the bonds may also help improve the relationship in the long run. The distance will allow you to break out of your habitual patterns and then, hopefully, establish new ones that are less toxic.

I agree with this.

When I was in my teens and early 20s, my family was in a lot of turmoil. My parents divorced when I was 13, and each of them went on to marry horribly unsuitable people when I was in my late teens. Both of them seemed to have the most screwed-up priorities (especially my father), and I couldn't seem to do anything right in their eyes. We fought constantly, and every family gathering was so tense and awful I kept wondering, "Why even bother to have a family at all?" The only person I felt connected to was my kid sister, who still lived with my mom.

So when I was about 20, I stopped doing holidays at home for a while. (I recommend this--people are at their craziest during the holidays, so picking more "neutral," less emotionally-loaded times to see them really helps.) I stopped asking them for anything. I quit telling them anything significant about my personal life, or seeking advice or approval. I'd occasionally talk to them on the phone, or if they wanted to come visit me, on my turf, that was okay. After about a year or so of that, I'd drive down to visit them for an occasional long weekend. But I stayed in motels and always took my own car when we were going to meet at restaurants or other relatives' homes--that way, I could make my escape if things went south, or leave to do something else if my father pulled his usual "two hours late with no phone call" nonsense.

Looking back, it was less about what they were doing than it was about my need to establish full independence from them. I had to learn how to not need them in my life--for approval, for love, for money, for encouragement, for anything. I had to learn how to provide all those things for myself, and surround myself with people who knew and liked me as me, not the screw-up kid who was always angry. I needed to learn how to make my own decisions about my relationships with them and act on them, no matter what the consequences might be--such as leaving to find dinner on my own when my dad was late, and if he got mad? Oh, well. Hard cheese there, Pops--how 'bout a phone call next time?

And yes, I did pick up and leave when things got bad, or when I was treated shabbily, and yes, that pissed them off, and I had to stand my ground and explain why I had left, and why that treatment was unacceptable. And I didn't ask them for anything, or even express a desire for anything--not even Christmas or birthday gifts--for many years. I even turned down the offer of a small loan from my dad at a time when I was really strapped, because I felt it could be used against me. Anything they gave me felt like another hook in my skin.

I loved them, but I hated their ideas about me. I hated the way they treated me, as if being their kid meant I didn't deserve the basic politeness and consideration they would have shown strangers. I was supposed to respect them? Hey, when they started returning the favor? I might think about it.

It took years to really start turning those relationships around. Both of them divorced their second spouses, went through various work and financial setbacks, had trouble with their own parents. It wasn't until I was about 27 that I noticed some major changes had taken place. Things weren't perfect (far from it) but they had improved.

I'm 41 now, and things still aren't perfect, but it doesn't matter--our relationships have been completely transformed. It's like my parents and I have all finally grown up and got over the dysfunctional behaviors and attitudes that kept us separate, and now we can come together as adults who happen to share interests and genuinely like each other, as well as being family. And while they wouldn't want to be married to each other ever again, my parents have ended up really good friends. As I was reading accounts of other people's holiday family drama this year, it struck me just how far we've all come. But I don't think it would have happened had I not pulled away from them when I was younger, let go of my dependent-kid expectations of them, and set new rules for how I was to be treated. I wanted them to change, but for that to happen I had to change myself first.

There's no guarantees your parents and step-parents will change. But by changing things from your end, even their worst behaviors will have less power to hurt you. If you take care of your own issues, they won't be able to leave you feeling "empty, hollow and unloved." And who knows? In time, they might change, too.

Originally Posted by shakra

My major problem is my father and my step-mother. They are controlling, negative people who obsess about money and financial success. I dont think I have ever heard either of them tell any of us kids that they love them unless it was in response to me saying it first. My father signs his emails to me "regards Dad"

One thing that might help is to see all their negativity and fault-finding as what it is--the external expression of their own fearful inner self-talk. Stop thinking of them as horrible people, and instead try looking at them as deeply fearful and anxious people. Stop seeing their comments as intended to hurt, and instead see them as expressions of their own hurt.

They can't express love freely? It's probably because they in turn feel unloved, or unworthy of receiving love. You can't give what you don't have, after all. They're obsessed with money and financial success? That's probably because it's the only form of self-worth they know; if they can get the outside looking good, nobody will notice how hollow the inside is. They are controlling? Maybe that comes from a deep fear of being controlled, or a sense that their lives are teetering on the brink of being completely out of control. They criticise your sister for being "lazy" and "fat"? Their own internal self-critics are working overtime.

So imagine what it must be like to live like that, and how miserable it must be.

And yes, I know, that's much easier said than done. But if you can learn to see them from that perspective, their horrible behavior loses its power--it just becomes sad and pitiful, rather than personal.

[SenoritaBonita]

Originally Posted by shakra

I have a complicated family situation..


The eldest child of my parents.. they split when I was 3 and divorced when I was 7.

I have a brother and sister from each parent's second marriage. Hence.. I have two half brothers and two half sisters.. but I just call them all my brothers and sisters.

My mother has since married a third time.

My major problem is my father and my step-mother. They are controlling, negative people who obsess about money and financial success. I dont think I have ever heard either of them tell any of us kids that they love them unless it was in response to me saying it first. My father signs his emails to me "regards Dad"

I would like to just cut them off as it seems like the simplest and most pain free option.. I really dont want to waste my energy telling them how I feel as I believe that none of it will be taken on board.

My sister (Dad and step-mum's daughter) has been overweight since she was a baby.. and all they do is wear her down in terms of picking on her about her weight and her laziness etc.. which I believe is a direct result of her upbringing.

I'm 35 and I really dont feel like wasting my positive energy on people that leave me feeling empty, hollow and unloved... so I feel it's just easier to stay away from the family and catch up on the few occaisions over the year.. birthdays, christmas etc..


feels kinda good to get this off my chest.. and thats just the start of it.. I have so much more to say.. but dont want to just go.. BLaaaHHHHH.. I havent been able to talk to ANYONE about this..

It's very unfortunate that you got stuck with such a family and I wouldn't blame you for not wanting to contact them or be around them. If its something that you feel is right for you (and it seems like you have been thinking about pros and cons so it's not an angry decision) then minimize any kind of contact with them. Send them a Christmas card and a birthday card and save yourself some stress.

[shakra]

^^ Thanks!!

I do save myself the stress by not being around them all the time.. but the stress comes when they lay their judgements on me.

I just need to learn some good comebacks to give them something to think about.



Ultimately, I dont think they understand anything about alternative ways of thinking and lifestyles.. they are about material wealth and keeping up with the joneses... owning a boat or a motorbike.. etc...

I'd rather go spark up a joint and have an interesting conversation with someone..

[shakra]

so I was supposed to go to my Dad's work christmas cruise on the weekend.. but couldnt make it coz I had such a great night out the night before with my best mates..

thing is..

I know he'll be pissed/annoyed/bad mouthing me.. and I feel like I "should" call and apologise.. but then I dont want to apologise.. coz I was out with my good friends having a phat time... which is far more important to me than hangin out with a bunch of blokes that work for my father.. drinkin free alcohol... big deal..


I feel I will call and apologise.. but only to keep the peace..




When I got the invite from Dad... it didnt even say anything on the email.. just a PDF attached.. and the words "regards" Dad...

I responded... and asked his opinion on some study I want to do.. I signed my email "love shakra" and again... I got a "Regards Dad".. this tells me he a) doesnt love me. AND/OR b) cant express feelings of love..

I dont have the time or energy to teach him because he doesnt respect me.. and I dont respect him.


I hate feeling like this... it affects my ability to work to my full capacity

[spookie149]

Originally Posted by shakra

so I was supposed to go to my Dad's work christmas cruise on the weekend.. but couldnt make it coz I had such a great night out the night before with my best mates..

thing is..

I know he'll be pissed/annoyed/bad mouthing me.. and I feel like I "should" call and apologise.. but then I dont want to apologise.. coz I was out with my good friends having a phat time... which is far more important to me than hangin out with a bunch of blokes that work for my father.. drinkin free alcohol... big deal..


I feel I will call and apologise.. but only to keep the peace..




When I got the invite from Dad... it didnt even say anything on the email.. just a PDF attached.. and the words "regards" Dad...

I responded... and asked his opinion on some study I want to do.. I signed my email "love shakra" and again... I got a "Regards Dad".. this tells me he a) doesnt love me. AND/OR b) cant express feelings of love..

I dont have the time or energy to teach him because he doesnt respect me.. and I dont respect him.


I hate feeling like this... it affects my ability to work to my full capacity

shakra since I was a teenager I have had many many arguments with my father. It's only been the last year or two living on my own we've stopped. (Ok, not nearly as much anymore

My father sounds similar in many respects- raised Roman Catholic (but apathetic these days), difficulty conveying emotions and feelings, not always supportive, etc. I recognize now that many times when arguments were started or I got upset about him not being supportive, his response would be to shout or get angry and turn it around. Make me feel like I was the one with the problem.

I have started understanding my father a lot better. A lot of men just weren't raised to acknowledge their feelings. As a consequence, he grew up not learning how to deal with feelings of affection or support if he never received much of it himself. My own father was the second oldest in a family of 8 kids. He had to assume the leadership role quite frequently and look after his brothers and sisters. He had to look strong. Back in the old days (and to a large extent these days as well) men were not supposed to have feelings or show much emotion or else they were labeled as wussies. There was not a lot of time for one on one discussions with my grandmother. Perhaps your father had some similar experiences. He loves you, but maybe just doesn't know how to express it. There's a tradeoff between being the strong father figure and opening up some emotions and feelings. Makes him vulnerable. Someone said to ignore everything a man says and just watch what he does, that's an indication of how he really feels. Using this approach has helped me calm down and try to understand from his point of view and the point of view of my bf if we are disagreeing on something. Hope that gives you something to think about.

[shakra]

hey spookie... it does help... a great deal..

In general..I know all these things are true... I guess it all just comes down to me accepting him for who he is... after all.. I'm asking for the same thing.


I'm going to go away and digest what you've just said and see how it affects my feelings over the next couple of days..

thanks!

[bmonson]

Try becoming the change you'd like to see in the world first and those around you might respond differently to you. NO ONE can make you feel less than you are without your permission. Your parents are individuals with a history too, which helps define the way they look at the world. Maybe if you tried searching into their background story you might find compassion for them. If you remember only that they LOVE you and treat them as you would a good friend; with courtesy and respect they might surprise you by reciprocating.
Certainly, you do not need define yourself by what they say, but you could consider that they may simply be trying to help you in their own clumsy way.
You ask that they NOT judge you, but all the while, YOU are judging them.
Not very fair, is it?