"knowing" one thing, but feeling something other. Seeking clarity

[hieza]

Hi

I hope replies are able to help develop some insight about this, because it has confused me.

Ive met a woman online, and we have been spending a lot of daily time over about a year and a half through Skype. We have not met, and i have not been in a position financially to buy tickets to fly to her country.
We get on well. There has been a very strong attraction between us, in a number of ways. We have experienced connection with each other at different levels and in different ways. Some of which i can not explain or understand. Perhaps some of it can be defined as an intimate connection and interaction at the soul level at times, but i am not sure. Often we experience each others thoughts or emotions, even if we are not online in communication.

I have never been in a relationship before due to unresolved things in the past. I am old enough to have teenage kids at the very least. This experience with this woman has helped me resolve a lot of inner conflict about my desire to enter into a relationship with a woman, which I had great difficulty with over the past 20 years, but resolution about a lot things around it has been occurring for which i am grateful. I don't think it could have happened with a better person than her. I have never before experienced the feeling of love for another person, and certainly never experienced feeling someones love towards me anything like this.


I have some photos and two low quality videos of her, but have been inconsistent in the assessment of weather i would be ok with her looks if we were to end up meeting and become further intimate. I have discussed this with her because she has "picked up" what i have been feeling and thinking at times of looking at her photos to try to determine if i am ok, or not ok with this. Sometimes i look at her photo and actually like her. (lovely cheeks actually). other times i look and i think that i am not attracted to her form. I found out today that she "picked up" on this the other day and got quite distraught over it, which is understandable.

Although looks has been an important aspect to me, I don't like a woman purely on looks. There is also a matter of what the human being is on the inside that shines from a woman's face which adds a lot. What she shines is good, but just the form is what i have been in fluctuation in assessing. Weather its purely a pattern of the past, i am not sure. I have generally relaxed in this area about accepting the form over this 18 months, but it has been continually recurring.

I have experienced various things at other times about her that draw me to her and desire her. The desire varies, depending on the time. It can be sexual, it can be one of purely the heart, sometimes a mixture, and sometimes just a longing that i am not sure if it is accurate to call it longing of completion / wholeness.


Today, i had an experience of recognition that i have not being totally ok with her looks (although as i said, its been difficult to tell, and this has fluctuated) and that i have been desiring an attractive face on a woman. I have been feeling uncomfortable facing this reality, but have also been questioning how important is looks, because whichever woman i end up being in relationship with, she is going to age, and i am going to age.

Later on on in the day i started experiencing the feeling of her emotionally or from the heart, and i really liked what i felt. which is a contradiction to the "knowing" that what i need to do here is be honest with myself that i have not liked the looks, and move on, yet when i feel what i feel, its like i don't really want any other woman. I have experienced a similar things on 2 or three other occasions since i have known her, as a "knowing" (that i need to move on, and not relate as we have) that seemed "intuitive" the first time, but was siting there questioning.


Thanks for your patience, insights, thoughts.

[Pequod]

Hello Hieza

You are communicating with her for over a year but the two of you have not met in physical form! No wonder that you are confused whether you're attracted to her. You don't know her, only her online persona.

I sense that you are usually quite rational and not very aware of your emotions. Perhaps its better to get clear yourself, know what you want in a relationship and go out to date a few women in your neigbourhood. If you dwell too long in phantasy-land (i.e. internet friendships) than you loose contact with reality.

Do you have activities that draw you out of your home and give you possibilities to meet new people?

Greetz Pequod