Why don't girls like broke guys?

[Throwback24]

I try my hardest. I mean, is me having a crib of my own, a car of my own, and a bank account with plenty of 0's going to make me a better person? Even if I were to have all of that, whose to say I would spend it on her? Does she think I'm going to mooch off of her?

[straysweeper]

I'd suggest reading Way of Superior Man by David Deida. It is a great book. It has been a while since I've read it, but I'll give you the idea of what I remember. It isn't about the zeros. It is about knowing what you want and going after it. Do you say what you mean and mean what you say? Are you fulfilled in your career? Your life? If you aren't then perhaps you should work on getting there, then I believe she'll show up. Just know what it is you are and are not looking for.

[sheffy4]

Hey there,
For me, it's not about having a guy spend money on me, but there is a fear that he will become a drain on me if he isn't making any money and I am. For instance, I like to go out and do things, and I am happy to pay for myself, but it would be quite a drain if I had to pay for my boyfriend every time as well. Plus to me it's a warning sign that he doesn't have ambition or doesn't have his act together. Especially if the guy is over 25 years old and doesn't have a steady pay check, it's really not a desirable quality. Also, since I make sure to always have my money, house, and transportation taken care of, it's almost like my values seem to clash with someone who views those things as unimportant.

[Throwback24]

Originally Posted by straysweeper

I'd suggest reading Way of Superior Man by David Deida. It is a great book. It has been a while since I've read it, but I'll give you the idea of what I remember. It isn't about the zeros. It is about knowing what you want and going after it. Do you say what you mean and mean what you say? Are you fulfilled in your career? Your life? If you aren't then perhaps you should work on getting there, then I believe she'll show up. Just know what it is you are and are not looking for.

I want to be happy. I don't say what I mean and mean what I say as I'm usually too stressed out to give myself time to do that. I don't have a career, not quite fulfilled in life. I'll pick up this book.

Sheffy, I can understand that. I can pay for my own food, movie fare, things of that nature. But why do I need to have these things in order to appeal to some females? I'm only 20 but I guess it's taking a toll on me.

You need:

This
This
This
This

To meet my standards. Ah.

[garentee]

Turn the table around lets say it was her that was broke...How do you feel about that? Life throws us a lot of screwballs, but if someone is perpetually broke, and not doing much about it I can see how one would be loathe to hang out. I think Sheffys point is that people have to pull their own weight...not that they have to have a lot of stuff. I absolutely agree. G

[carenkh]

Right - it's not the stuff. If someone made a conscious choice to not have those material things, and were living with awareness and intentionality, that wouldn't be a "deal-breaker" for me. I think some people have this list: a job, a car, a checking account, their own home, when really, they just mean someone responsible and grownup enough to have those things. The thing with not living by lists is you have to actually get to know the person!

[spookie149]

The other thing to consider is maybe you're actively pursuing women who require extra attention and like to be spoiled. It might give you the impression that all women want that.

Sheffy is on point. You have to remember a woman's instinct is to find a mate who will be the protector of her and the egg. You don't need to be rich, just show that you have a steady flow of income and are dependable. Unconsciously it's what we look for.

[PeaceCat]

Hi Throwback,

I think girls should have a little patience as you're only 20!

I imagine it must be difficult for young guys because there is this stereotype of girls being attracted to older "provider" types. However, there are always exceptions. My sister is a career woman in her 30s and she got into a relationship with a 25 yr old student. She was the only one earning money early in their relationship, and she even supported him through college. She did this because she a) loves him (kinda important ) and b) she believes in him, his future goals and wants to help him reach them. They are now happily married, he graduated and got a good job and they look set for a great future together.

When they said their marriage vows, they each promised to support each other through good times and bad times, that's what real relationships are about IMO, seeing the bigger picture of your lives together

Good luck!

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

There are a lot of girls/women out there who just want a guy with stuff and money. It may be more prevalent with younger folks who've grown up in such a materialistic society where a lot of the focus is on what you have.

For me it's not about money or possessions. I simply want to know that the guy will be responsible. He is a hard worker and pays his bills. Everyone has hard times of course and in a long term relationship you support each other through them. But just like you would probably not want to be in a relationship with a girl whose default state is mooch, girls are wary of guys they perceive as the same.

I certainly don't think you have to have it all together at 20 with your own house and a fancy car, etc. But to have a willingness to work and take responsibility will go far with girls. There will always be those who are high maintenance and won't deal with guys who don't have all the material possessions, etc. If you want a girl like that you have to step up and fit that image. I find that the ones who want a guy with bank are usually very much a status symbol themselves. They look fantastic all the time, slim, shapely, do the whole nine like manicure, pedicure, hair done, latest fashion. They want a guy who takes as much time on his image and lifestyle to match. This is a huge generalization of course and I am not in it to offend. Anyone can feel free to shoot holes in my theory!

[Angela]

Women don't like guys who are broke for the same reason we don't like men who whine --- they just end up costing us too much.

It's just way more fun to hang out with someone, male or female, who is generating abundance -- money is the least of that; it's more about an abundance of satisfaction, fulfillment, and joy (money tends to flow when you are being an abundance of satisfaction, fulfillment and joy, in my experience).

And not necessarily because of the things 'n stuff, but because creative expansive power is sexy and delicious.

[JAX]

It's not about what women want. It's about what you want and what you believe. Men of all shapes and sizes and all different income levels, including living at home with parents get women- including hot women. It's about you, your beliefs and your self-worth. Take a look with in and you'll get the answers you need.

JAX

[Apollia]

I'm broke, but out of the 3 major love interests I've ever had in my life, 2 of them were/are pretty broke too.

As for what attracted me to them - I guess it comes down to several main factors.

1. The feeling that the guy could (or does) accept me as I really am - weird paranormal interests, financial ruin, and all. If a guy doesn't like or accept me that's an automatic turnoff for me, I really don't go for anyone who acts cool, disinterested, hard to get, or who looks down on anything about me. (Read about Venus in Leo in astrology and you'll learn a lot about me).

2. I'm attracted to guys who are very intelligent.

3. I also find all three physically appealing. (However, I got strongly attracted to each before I even knew what they looked like, and with one, continued to like him after the first picture I saw was unattractive to me - so I know I don't like them only for shallow physical reasons).

If I were wealthy, the only thing that would concern me about falling in love with someone broke is wondering if they only wanted to be with me for money.

The way I would solve that problem, though, would be to simply give the person half of my wealth with no strings attached. Then, if they stay with me, I'll know they really do love me.

Or, if the person knew and loved me before I struck it rich, then, I'd probably trust that they really love me.

As for guys who "whine" - no problem. At least they're honest. Besides, with all the flak people take these days for "whining", it actually takes some guts to openly whine and complain and put up with all the criticism for being a "whiner". I see it as a sign of courage, another thing I find attractive.

Yet another thing that attracts me is guys who defy convention - like the convention that people aren't supposed to whine about anything, or the convention that everyone is supposed to be avidly interested in material success, etc.

Of course, I can't deny that having money would make my love life a lot more fun. As it is, I'm not even really in a relationship - I essentially have just a pen pal of whom I'm very fond, because neither of us is able to travel. But, that's good enough for me, for the moment. It gives me a good incentive to fix my financial situation.

Just thought I'd post this, just to show that non-materialistic women really do exist.

Best wishes,
Apollia

[Angela]

Originally Posted by Apollia

As for guys who "whine" - no problem. At least they're honest. Besides, with all the flak people take these days for "whining", it actually takes some guts to openly whine and complain and put up with all the criticism for being a "whiner". I see it as a sign of courage, another thing I find attractive.

See? There's someone for everybody! Apollia, you may have all of the courageous, honest whining and complaining guys -- they're all yours!

[Apollia]

Originally Posted by Angela

See? There's someone for everybody! Apollia, you may have all of the courageous, honest whining and complaining guys -- they're all yours!

Thanks!!

Best wishes,
Apollia

[Throwback24]

Thanks for the feedback all. I guess courting a woman shouldn't be high on my priority list, I'll go ahead and make myself happy before I seek the comfort of someone else.

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[Lauxa]

I know when I was looking for a life partner, I wanted to know he would make enough money to support a family. We were in college and he didn't have much money at the time, but I knew his degree would be able to get him started in an earning career. Not only did he have to have the potential to make enough money, but I also wanted to see that he could live frugally and not blow the whole family budget on toys 'n' stuff. I wanted to have the flexibility to spend some time at home with kids without having to send them to daycare straight off the bat, and all my financial decisions have reflected that desire.

A large part of marriage is entering into a lifetime financial partnership with another person, so it makes sense to make sure you're on the same page as far as money concerns go. At age 20, I think showing you have ambition and potential may be sufficient.

[pyrogen]

When we're in our teens and early twenties, we're happy to go with someone based on their potential, because that's all most people that age *have*. But also, young people are pretty much all in the same life place, so it evens out.

It's not about money, it's about knowing how to live as an adult.

I'm 34. Someone I'm going with had better have the life thing figured out by now.

I've been with people who haven't, and it's a drain in more ways than just on the pocket book.

You end up playing "parent" to the other party in all kinds of ways, and there ends up being resentment, and ends up with you not respecting them.

[funchy]

It's not that women hate broke guys. It's that women have a hard time respecting someone who can't take care of himself. It would turn the relationship into more of a mother-son, where she takes him everywhere in her car, pays for things, and looks after him.

It can also be a sign of deeper problems. If he can't hold a job, he might have emotional or behavioral issues that make him a poor candidate for a boyfriend.

If a guy has a reason to be broke, such as someone who is living a life of poverty to help others as part of his passion (eg a Mother Theresa-type), that's different. But the penniless guys I have met are more like rudderless ships drifting through life.

[Throwback24]

Originally Posted by funchy

It's not that women hate broke guys. It's that women have a hard time respecting someone who can't take care of himself. It would turn the relationship into more of a mother-son, where she takes him everywhere in her car, pays for things, and looks after him.

It can also be a sign of deeper problems. If he can't hold a job, he might have emotional or behavioral issues that make him a poor candidate for a boyfriend.

If a guy has a reason to be broke, such as someone who is living a life of poverty to help others as part of his passion (eg a Mother Theresa-type), that's different. But the penniless guys I have met are more like rudderless ships drifting through life.

What if I'm one of those eco-friendly people? Does taking the bus mean I'm cheap? I can understand the rest of your post but I can't wrap my head around why people are so picky. I just want to live a modest life and if that is enough to turn off a certain set of females, I guess that's what it is. I've met a lot of penniless guys in my life who have endearing life stories, but are doing everything in their powers to get them self out that rut. I guess it comes down to ones level of maturity, I'll probably have a different prospective 4 years from now.

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[missing]

Originally Posted by Throwback24

What if I'm one of those eco-friendly people? Does taking the bus mean I'm cheap? I can understand the rest of your post but I can't wrap my head around why people are so picky. I just want to live a modest life and if that is enough to turn off a certain set of females, I guess that's what it is. I've met a lot of penniless guys in my life who have endearing life stories, but are doing everything in their powers to get them self out that rut. I guess it comes down to ones level of maturity, I'll probably have a different prospective 4 years from now.

I think this is something many women are superficial about, just like men can be about a woman's appearance. Yeah, there is validity to the whole idea that you don't want to be somebody's parent. Certainly you don't want to be paying for somebody who is broke. But what if that said somebody never makes you pay, and simply lives a frugal lifestyle? That means of course, if you want to go to an expensive restaurant together, the one with money will have to pick up the bill. But to the frugal guy maybe such a thing isn't important. Should it really that important to a woman who likes him for who he is?

Perhaps somebody gets income from "dubious" means (ie, parents or government disability) because it allows them to fulfill a passion (ie, artist) without having a job to suck out the rest of their energy. Could a woman deal with a man like that? I'd say some would, but many won't. It all depends. If you want to be "ecological" than maybe you should find a woman who lines up with those values. One thing that's nice about living in Portland is that a decent bike can give you more status than a luxury car in with many people. Not that both aren't superficial in their own way.

[darkw0rker]

Who likes a broke guy?

Think about it. It's a cruel world. People do not see you. They see your money, your status and your power.

Get rich or date broke girls, I don't think even broke girls like to see broke guys.

[Rose of Cairo]

For me, the point is not being broke or not. There are so many reasons someone can be broke.

When someone is broke because they have a scarcity mindset or low self-esteem or don't take responsibility for their life, then this is a red flag for me. But it's not about the lack of money itself, it's about its causes. These causes will manifest in many other ways in his life additionally to the lack of money, and these other consequences are even more unpleasant to me than being broke.

However, when a guy is broke because he's currently going from scarcity to abundance mindset and the abundance hasn't physically manifested yet, or he has just switched from doing a job to pay his bills to making a meaningful contribution and isn't making money with it yet, then that's not a problem at all for me.

Same thing if he does what he truly loves and hasn't figured out how to get paid for it yet. For example if some guy feels deep down he's a painter, so he paints and paints, and makes no money with it because he's not good at marketing and selling what he paints, then he'll probably be broke, yet I'd be honored to be with such a person. I like to surround myself with people who have the courage to do what they love and are true to their values.

Recently I met a guy who consciously chose to live as a nomad. He has no steady home, no steady job, no car, and of course little to no money. He was very interesting! A very friendly, open, caring, lovely guy. And brave enough to do what he wants as free as air. Hey, I'm not dating, but if I were, I'd sure be happy to date such a man!

[Zenessa]

This is an interesting question. I guess it depends on ones perception of being 'broke'
If a guy is working in a low-paying job and might not have enough money left at the end of the week, but is 'happy' in his job, I dont see him as broke. Or if a guy works part-time in a job that he may not be thrilled about, but is doing i so he can pursue his true interest, whether it is artisitic, starting a side business etc, then I dont see that as being broke. I see that as making materilistic sacrifices to achieve something greater than money.

On the other hand, if a guy lives off unemployment benefits, because it's a choice, not because he has trouble finding work, and mooches off his family, friends and girlfriend for money, that is not attractive boyfriend material to a woman. Woman want a guy who is responsible, independent and self-reliant.

[Apollia]

Originally Posted by darkw0rker

Who likes a broke guy?

Me.

Think about it. It's a cruel world. People do not see you. They see your money, your status and your power.

I don't think I personally know anyone like that. That's one of the things I like about being broke, I don't have to wonder as much if people really like me or just my money, status and power.

Get rich or date broke girls, I don't think even broke girls like to see broke guys.

I don't like the fact that he and I are both broke, no. However, he's so wonderful, money is irrelevant. If I had been all judgmental about people who are broke, etc. I would have _really_ missed out.

Bes wishes,
Apollia

[Jr Billionaire]

Originally Posted by Throwback24

I try my hardest. I mean, is me having a crib of my own, a car of my own, and a bank account with plenty of 0's going to make me a better person? Even if I were to have all of that, whose to say I would spend it on her? Does she think I'm going to mooch off of her?

this right here is a limiting belief!

doesn't matter your riches. listen of course ambition and drive are too of the most attractive traits a man can show however riches RIGHT NOW are not that important and if you are talking to a woman that has money on her mind 24-seven then by all means tell her to step!

don't blame all women for the few selfish ignorant ones out there

and that goes for the girls as well. all men are not dogs we do know how to commit, and we don't all lie.

-JB

[pyrogen]

Originally Posted by funchy

It's not that women hate broke guys. It's that women have a hard time respecting someone who can't take care of himself. It would turn the relationship into more of a mother-son, where she takes him everywhere in her car, pays for things, and looks after him.

It can also be a sign of deeper problems. If he can't hold a job, he might have emotional or behavioral issues that make him a poor candidate for a boyfriend.

That's the main issue. Taking care of one's self, and being emotionally healthy. I also think, being intentional.

And there are also people who have money (usually temporarily, due to a windfall or inheritance, unless they're trust-fund babies) but AREN'T intentional, nor are they responsible. I've known these people too.

I have known plenty of broke guys who are/were very sought after by women. The guys I know who are broke but are living some sort of intentional life, all seem to have no trouble finding girlfriends... I know plenty of bohemian/artist type guys who have girlfriends. They usually have something else to contribute to the relationship besides material goods or buying the women things; for example, they make women feel special by writing a song for her, they are attentive parents or good listeners, they paint a picture of her, cook fabulous meals, and/or they are wonderful lovers. The women they attract are the women for whom this kind of attention is love currency.

And I've known guys who were stereotypically successful who were just awful, too; they think their money is all they need to offer and they don't cultivate any other characteristics besides being financially successful. Then these same men complain that women are only interested in their money - it's their own fault because they didn't develop any other attractive traits!!

But also in my experience -

When you're the one who's more "together", you don't really want to play mentor to another person for more than a limited amount of time. You don't want to be someone's job counselor and life coach. This isn't the same as supporting a stay-at-home spouse/parent, or being with a partner who is in a professional school program (say, med school).

And when you're just as "not together" as the other person, it's a disaster. It's really a struggle when you have TWO people in that situation, and neither is able to give each other a hand up in any fashion. I'm not saying that the hand up only comes from one direction. That my most recent ex and I were a match in this department, is because we weren't struggling in the same places (he is more stable but I am more socially successful) and we were strong in the other person's weak areas, but it was *equal*. He was really able to help me get stable.

And when you're the one who's less "together", oftentimes the other person has some kind of vested interest in keeping you that way.

When you're not "together" it's not a powerful place from which to enter a relationship, and when you *are* "together" it's hard to get your needs met by someone who isn't (unless you have some kind of unhealthy power dynamic going on).