trust

[laur_454]

Hi Everyone,

I'm in a bind with my boyfriend, again. We fight a lot, especially lately, and this evening just added to the tension we've felt. Pretty much all of our fights stem from the fact that I don't trust him. He says that I should, that he's not doing anything untrustworthy. But my untrust is not unsolicited. He drinks a lot (when people are drunk they do stupid things), he has cheater friends (which I've witnessed), and prior to dating seriously we dated very casually during which time he was messing around with other girls simultaneously (one of them being his ex ~ who will come back into play again in a moment here) and he has a history of cheating on girlfriends.
Last week I happened to come to the computer and see his e-mail box open. I could have closed it, but decided to read his sent mail instead, which contained a forward to his ex girlfriend. Maybe that was my first mistake, but I'm only human All it contained was a video link, but nonetheless I was perturbed. I don't talk to any exes at all. And if I did, I'm certain he'd go nuts. Anyways, I waited a couple of days to confront him, because I wasn't sure that it was a big deal. Finally, I asked him about it this evening and he admitted that they spoke, about every three months or so.

Then I caught him in a lie too... He told me that she'd learned about a death in the family from his brother's girlfriend, and that's why she called.... But I confirmed with his brother's girlfriend (who is a good friend of mine) and she said that she hasn't talked to this girl in ages, and definitely didn't inform her of the death.

Due to my lack of trust, I have to think that they probably talk more frequently than he said. But frequency doesn't matter, I don't want them talking at all. I was livid. He wouldn't talk with me about it, and told me that he's allowed to talk to whom ever he wants, that he likes talking to her, and that they are adults and that I need to grow up. Finally, I admitted to him that this all stems from the fact that I don't trust him at all (based on the reasons listed above and that he has hurt me somewhat in the past).

He told me that we can only fix our relationship if I can learn to trust him. He told me nothing is going on, he loves only me, and etc. etc.... Let me also add that we regularly have sex, he's very affectionate, emotionally available, and hasn't been acting like he's cheated at all. Also, this ex lives in California. However, I suspect that if she lived here things would be different somehow. They have a long history together.

I'm not sure what to do. Something feels off. Very off. I'm a pretty jealous person, which I hate about myself. I am possessive of him. I want this relationship to work, but right now it feels pretty doomed. We've been together a year and a half and are really close, but lately the fighting has been pretty out of control (just related mostly to finances, his drinking, and my intolerance of some of his habits). The clincher is that his 30th birthday is tomorrow, and the day after we are supposed to leave for Florida for five days to visit his parents. I don't want to go and miss Thanksgiving with my family if this relationship is not going to last.

I don't know if I should cancel my ticket or just suck it up and deal with it when I get back. I don't want to prolong this misery, especially with a liar.

I guess my real questions are these:
1. Do I stay with him since he lied and we've been having a lot of other issues?
2. Do I cancel my ticket and spend the holidays with my family, or is that too cruel because of the birthday?
3. Do I suck it up and go on the trip, and promise myself to have a decision by the time I get back?
4. Is it OK for people to talk to their exes?
5. Do any of you talk to exes in a 100% non-romantic way?

I would absoutely love the insight of everyone on this forum. Thanks for reading, if you've made it this far Happy Holidays.

[Alexjstrandberg]

Originally Posted by laur_454

He told me that we can only fix our relationship if I can learn to trust him.

Hey Laur,

He's pretty good in turning it around and making you doubt yourself. It's a quality trait that most liars (and cheaters) have. The key is to be sure of yourself but you aren't so I'll try to help with that.

People who have cheated on all of their ex's will continue to cheat. Somehow we (yes me too) shine away from that fact and focus on the good stuff. Meanwhile the wool is being pulled over our eyes and lean into doubt.

Liars lie, thieves steal and cheaters...will cheat. I can't say that he is cheating on for certain but that doesn't matter, although I strongly suspect it and so do you. What he has done so far is grounds for termination of the relationship.

He leaks sexual energy outside of the relationship to his ex-gf. He lies to you about that. It's not small little white lies that can be forgiven but major ones like deaths that never happened. Like I said before liars will continue to lie. Makes you wonder what else he has lied to you about?

If I were you I would cancel the whole trip. It's not cruel because you are not the one who decided to cancel the trip, he did-you are simply having self respect for yourself. HE created this situation by his actions. If he had been honest and faithful you wouldn't be posting on this forum but that's not the case.

He also has cheater friends. 'Likes attract likes'. He is attracting other fine characters that lack integrity. The signs are all there but you need to decide whether or not you want to pay attention to them.

Give this a read: Being Cheated On

Take care

[Angela]

Hey, laur, you're still suffering from the same crappy thinking that you've been generating for awhile, so I'm going to give you the same advice I gave you last time, and see if it sinks in this time: (by the way, you are not crappy, you are wonderful, loveable and gorgeous; it's your habitual thinking that is unconsciously running you that is crappy.)

As I see it, the most effective thing you could do is to take 100% responsibility for your own satisfaction and fulfillment. Be the cause of it. Either drop the crap and choose to trust him to be exactly who he is and exactly who he isn't in the relationship, or choose not to trust him and let him go. The way it is now, you've got both of you locked up in the jail of no trust. YOU do. Not him. You. The good news is that you have the power to set you both free, whether you stay in this relationship or leave.

I suspect that you won't ever trust this guy or any other guy until you learn to trust yourself. One way to trust yourself is to be a person who is worthy of trust, and that is something you have not been being -- have you apologized to him for reading his email, and assured him that you'll never do it again? This isn't the first time you invaded his privacy, is it?

If you love this guy and feel very courageous, you can work on your self-trust issues inside of this relationship. But you're not really available for a real loving, long term, mutually beneficial relationship until you take this on for yourself. It's not him; it's you. I recommend Byron Katie's The Work to you -- it's a really great way to get a new perspective on what you've been creating in your relationship.

By the way, Danger Man and I both talk to our exes often.

Good luck -- I know it's not easy. It's simple, but not easy!

[laur_454]

Thanks Angela,

As always, that was a very enlightening perspective, and also a liberating one. You're 100% correct about my negative thoughts generating this, and additionally that I do not trust myself. I guess that should be the number one focus in the healing of this relationship ~ my relationship with me. I do love him and I have faith that we can be a great fit. We have tons in common, similar ideas of the future, and are both family oriented and involved in making relationships work.

I suppose I'll give it one more shot and focus solely on fixing myself, not only in the areas of trust, but in other areas in which I feel we clash. Perhaps that will heal other divides between us.

Thank you again, you are the sweetest moderator ever

[Angela]

Will you give The Work a try?

[laur_454]

LOL Yes! I forgot to mention that, I definitely will check it out today

[Angela]

That's great -- they have phone coaches for free, by the way, who will help you go through the work.

[Erinn]

So when are you launching your website, Angela, with all your wonderful advice on it? I'm waiting.

[Angela]

Erinn, thank you for asking -- Home Page is my coaching website, and my blog, which has been lying around unloved for awhile, is FeelGoodOnPurpose.com.

Thank you for reminding me to get my butt in gear and love that blog up!

dagnabit... the name of the website is not "home page", it's AlegriaLife!

[carenkh]

And if your link was in your signature, no one would need to ask!!

[Angela]

Originally Posted by carenkh

And if your link was in your signature, no one would need to ask!!

D'oh! I'm leaving on vacation tomorrow, so I'll take the time to do this. Finally. Thank youuuuuu Caren!