Virgin

[white]

Hi,

I'm 31 years old and virgin. I'm feeling very depressed about it. I don't think that I'll able to find a girlfriend and if I do I think she'll probobly run away when she find out about it. What do you think that I do in that case (if we have sex)? Do I tell her or do I lie something?

English is not my first language so sorry if I make mistakes.

[JimOfferman]

No big deal, get over it!

The longer you hold yourself to this belief that women will run away as soon as they find out you're still a virgin, the longer you will remain a virgin. Why? Because you will be subconsciously broadcasting "I'm not worthy" to all women who might be interested in you...

That's simply not true. You are worthy, just like everybody else!

As for what to do when you do find someone to share a bed with... don't lie! Lies make things worse, not better. Instead, use your virginity to your advantage: ask her to teach you how to make love to her; I'll bet the both of you will have lots of fun doing just that...

(says the 30 year old virgin)

[Akashic_Librarian]

Well I am still a virgin - I am nearly 18.

Its not as long as 31 mind you, but...its still a bit annoying for me.

And don't lie, but don't tell the truth either! Don't make a point of saying your a virgin. Simply let whatever happens happen. Act like you know what your talking about, pretend to have that sexual experience. It will make you seem more available.

Believe me, the only reason I haven't had sex is a string of seriously unfortunate events, not because I haven't had offers!

[Cran]

My first boyfriend was not much younger than you (ok, he was 26) and he was still a "virgin", too.
I didn't think unfavourably of him, on the contrary. It was a sign for me that he could think with his brain, too, opposed to more - animal reactions.
It was fun to discover our sexuality together, what we like, what we don't like.

But you should take care not to get into a trap: Looking for a girl IN ORDER to loose your virginity. No woman likes to be used (or should not like it, otherwise, she has serious issues).

Sexuality is a wonderful thing. But not the most important thing. ANd experience is not everything that counts. You know, there are guys who had a lot of women and think themselves sooooooo very good lovers, and are only self-centered jerks that encountered women who didn't have the courage to speak up. Talk about experience wasted.

[PokerEnthusiast]

I don't get it. Why would a girl run away when she finds out a guy is a virgin? Somebody explain it to me.

[SupersecretIdentity]

Heres some perspective on sex that Virgins don't often hear

Sex isn't a big deal. You don't feel any different, it's not as special and good as the media makes it out to be. After the first time, you're first reaction will probably be "Is that it?"

You will suck the first time. It's a fact, don't dwell on it. Don't expect to be good at first, but do be willing to learn and experiment.

Having sex once WILL NOT CHANGE YOU. Going from a Virgin to a non virgin is not a mystical transformation. You will still have anxiety after the first time. You will still be bad at it. You won't be much better with women after losing your virginity.

Sex is messy. Seriously, its gross. Hollywood makes it out to be very romantic and sweet. It's not. Its primal. It's dirty. It easy to do wrong.

Don't look at sex as something that will fix you or hurt you. It will happen on it's own naturally. Just worry about being yourself and not making a big deal out of it and everything will fall in place. Not easy advice to take, but so, so true.

[Rockchick26]

Originally Posted by PokerEnthusiast

I don't get it. Why would a girl run away when she finds out a guy is a virgin? Somebody explain it to me.

Well i've had guys run away from me after finding out i've only had one boyfriend (who i barely had sex with). People want someone who knows what theyre doing. Or maybe the person thinks 'ugh,nobody must like her/him,there's probably a good reason for that'.

[PokerEnthusiast]

Originally Posted by Rockchick26

Well i've had guys run away from me after finding out i've only had one boyfriend (who i barely had sex with). People want someone who knows what theyre doing. Or maybe the person thinks 'ugh,nobody must like her/him,there's probably a good reason for that'.

Wow, I find that hard to believe! So ur saying that there are actually guys out there that will get involved with a girl they like and then "NOT WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH HER" when they find out she's inexperienced?

I guess these must be the guys that can get girls to sleep with them at the drop of a hat. lol Man I wish I was one of those guys.

[The David]

There are worse things than being a virgin. Like, maybe if your only sexual experience was from a cheap prostitute. Or if you had an STD. Or a child somewhere you aren't taking care of.

[hopena]

Originally Posted by PokerEnthusiast

Wow, I find that hard to believe! So ur saying that there are actually guys out there that will get involved with a girl they like and then "NOT WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH HER" when they find out she's inexperienced?

I guess these must be the guys that can get girls to sleep with them at the drop of a hat. lol Man I wish I was one of those guys.

There really are guys out there who are like that ~ this article was recently posted on a social anxiety forum, in the relationships section:
The 30-year-old virgins ~ concerning women who have had men back off when they find out about their inexperience.

[Alexjstrandberg]

Originally Posted by SupersecretIdentity

Heres some perspective on sex that Virgins don't often hear

Sex isn't a big deal. You don't feel any different, it's not as special and good as the media makes it out to be. After the first time, you're first reaction will probably be "Is that it?"

You will suck the first time. It's a fact, don't dwell on it. Don't expect to be good at first, but do be willing to learn and experiment.

Having sex once WILL NOT CHANGE YOU. Going from a Virgin to a non virgin is not a mystical transformation. You will still have anxiety after the first time. You will still be bad at it. You won't be much better with women after losing your virginity.

Sex is messy. Seriously, its gross. Hollywood makes it out to be very romantic and sweet. It's not. Its primal. It's dirty. It easy to do wrong.

Don't look at sex as something that will fix you or hurt you. It will happen on it's own naturally. Just worry about being yourself and not making a big deal out of it and everything will fall in place. Not easy advice to take, but so, so true.

agreed, sex isn't a life altering event. It's not as significant as many people make it out to be.

The problem is that you fear if you are horrible at it you will become more depressed and feel worse about yourself. The problem isn't that you are a virgin, the problem is that you derive your self esteem (or lack of self esteem) from it. In other words "I haven't had sex so it means I am a loser".

Ironically, that type of low self esteem causes you not to have the confidence to meet and attract women. This goes back and worth while your depression goes deeper and deeper.

The key is not get your value, your sense of self worth from things outside of yourself or your accomplishments. If you slept with a woman or a 1,000 your self esteem will still be low. Yeah those things help but it will still be in the gutter.

The key is to learn how to dis-identify with your mind and learn to develop real self esteem-the two go hand and hand. Check out this article and see if it helps

How to love yourself

[Alexjstrandberg]

also,

read this article written by Steve. It will help you dis-identify with your status, accomplishments etc. Take what he wrote and see how it applies to your situation.

Self-Acceptance vs. Personal Growth

[freddy]

Originally Posted by white

Hi,

I'm 31 years old and virgin. I'm feeling very depressed about it. I don't think that I'll able to find a girlfriend and if I do I think she'll probobly run away when she find out about it. What do you think that I do in that case (if we have sex)? Do I tell her or do I lie something?

English is not my first language so sorry if I make mistakes.

Well my advise would be to work on any personality issues you have in meeting women and get comfortable with yourself talking with and interacting with women. The more work you do now, the easier it will be for you to find girl friends who will want to have sex with you. I have you beat by a few years for being a virgin. Unfortunately they did not have sights like this to get ideas from others, and so much info to change your limiting beliefs, like they have now with the internet. When I had my first time it was really no issue. I was like a kid at the candy store. And she was ready for a 18 year old mind, in a mid 30's body.
I cannot stress enough on the importance of working on you. Even now after finding myself single after a marriage.(wife died) I'm back at square one on trying to learn how to break out of the shyness cube. Or the what if this happens dilemma. And believe me its much harder when you bring baggage into the mix.(kids) Can I get a witness. There are plenty of people on here with good ideas to help you. If you’re single and committed to make a change you have little wiggle room to make excuses. Even I try to get out and meet girls when I can. But it's so much harder when you have kids. Best of luck to you.

[Halffull]

What does virgin mean anyways dude?

Would ANYTHING change about you whether or not you had sex?

What I'm trying to say is, sex isn't a big deal... and not having it or having it doesn't CHANGE anything about you.

Recognition of this fact will make being able to get sex 100% easier.

[seeker5]

Saying sex is no big deal to a virgin, is like saying water is no big deal to someone who is very very thirsty and hadn't had a drink in a long time.

To the op: While it's true some women may be turned off by a guy with no experience, I'm sure you can attract and find women who would be turned on by the thought of them being your first woman and having them teach you and stuff.

[Halffull]

Originally Posted by seeker5

Saying sex is no big deal to a virgin, is like saying water is no big deal to someone who is very very thirsty and hadn't had a drink in a long time.

To the op: While it's true some women may be turned off by a guy with no experience, I'm sure you can attract and find women who would be turned on by the thought of them being your first woman and having them teach you and stuff.

Here's something that helped me in my early 20's when I felt I didn't have much dating or sexual experience. I felt bad about that and wondered what I had to offer to a woman. I made a list of all the great things about having little sexual and little dating experience. After looking at this list, it helped a lot in feeling ok with where I was. I can already think of several benefits to you, and the woman you'll be with for her to be your first one.

You're right... but when I was a virgin, I had to FOOL myself into believing it, at least on a surface level, in order to have any chance of having sex... and lo and behold, I found it was true... sex was like... no big deal.

The annoying irony is that the hungry don't get fed. So even if you can't truly believe it's not a big deal... I think it at least helps to make the effort.

[NewPath]

Typically I have not discussed how many partners I've had with someone I'm not intimate with. Therefore, if she asks after the fact how many partners you've had, your answer is one, that being her, and you are no longer a virgin. If she has a problem with this, then she is unworthy of you anyway, and now you have some experience to carry forward.

The above paragraph would not apply if you are someone looking for the "perfect girl", or "marriage before sex" type thing

It's not like you need to volunteer this information right away. Do the best you can to block it out of your mind.

[Jana Gray]

If a woman is in love with you she won't care if you're a virgin or not. If you focus on loving her it will ease your self consciousness. While you're waiting to meet the right girl I suggest that you take a massage class. It will help to meet some of your physical needs and will also make you a better lover when the right time comes. You could also take lessons in some type of couples dancing, ballroom, salsa etc. These classes often have extra women who need partners to dance with. So you'd have an opportunity to meet some new women while at the same time improving your dating appeal.

Jana

[marinik]

Originally Posted by SupersecretIdentity

Heres some perspective on sex that Virgins don't often hear

Sex isn't a big deal. You don't feel any different, it's not as special and good as the media makes it out to be. After the first time, you're first reaction will probably be "Is that it?"

You will suck the first time. It's a fact, don't dwell on it. Don't expect to be good at first, but do be willing to learn and experiment.

Having sex once WILL NOT CHANGE YOU. Going from a Virgin to a non virgin is not a mystical transformation. You will still have anxiety after the first time. You will still be bad at it. You won't be much better with women after losing your virginity.

Sex is messy. Seriously, its gross. Hollywood makes it out to be very romantic and sweet. It's not. Its primal. It's dirty. It easy to do wrong.

Don't look at sex as something that will fix you or hurt you. It will happen on it's own naturally. Just worry about being yourself and not making a big deal out of it and everything will fall in place. Not easy advice to take, but so, so true.

And OP thought he had a problem!!! Your sexuality is part of your personality - who you are. If you are not able to embrace it, you have a BIG problem. Sex is the a very beautiful thing if done with the man/woman you truly care about with an open heart and mind. It is not dirty or messy! It is an art in its own kind. Just like a wonderful dance. You take responsibility for your own pleasure and try with all your being to give pleasure to the one you love.

Yes it can be ugly but only if it is "misused" and manipulated with. But when making love is something honest and wanted it is the best!

I agree that Hollywood has done great damage to a lot of aspects of life that are much more down to Earth then they are portrayed in the film industry. But saying sex is just this thing you do is not true.

And to answer the OP's dilema... learn, open your mind and soul and you heart and learn. It is a skill like any other. You need practice and it will all be just fine.

[Alexjstrandberg]

Originally Posted by seeker5

Saying sex is no big deal to a virgin, is like saying water is no big deal to someone who is very very thirsty and hadn't had a drink in a long time.

Thats saying that he is desperate to get laid as if getting laid was as important as drinking water. It's his desperation for having sex that is preventing him from having it.

[The Cloud]

Originally Posted by white

Hi,

I'm 31 years old and virgin. I'm feeling very depressed about it. I don't think that I'll able to find a girlfriend and if I do I think she'll probobly run away when she find out about it. What do you think that I do in that case (if we have sex)? Do I tell her or do I lie something?

First of all, don't lie. You'll end up paying for it tenfold before it plays itself out.

Second of all, you don't have to be depressed. I'm a 22 year old virgin. While that isn't 31, it is still quite an outlier. And you know what I've noticed? I'm no worse off than all those non-virgins out there. Sex doesn't seem to make them smarter, faster, or better in any way. They suffer just as much as you and I; heck, they suffer more. They usually have to deal with a whole bunch of drama resulting from their activities. Most people sacrifice themselves to their genitalia, and end up paying much more than an orgasm is worth in the end. I'm not saying that sex is a bad thing, but it is just a thing. It won't fix your life.

[MyEyeIsOpen]

You know, I don't think you should be as stressed about this as you are. You are one of the rare people I recommend should go have a one night stand with a chick from a bar or something. Get it off your shoulders, stop focusing so much on it.

[seeker5]

Originally Posted by Alexjstrandberg

Thats saying that he is desperate to get laid as if getting laid was as important as drinking water.

Obviously without water you die, but not getting laid doesn't necessarily mean you die physically. My parallel was about how something isn't that important when you get it regularly - but when you go without it for a long time, it becomes very important - especially something you've never done and you see "everyone" around you do it. I was referring to those posters who were telling the guy "sex isn't important" when it obviously is important if you haven't had it for a long time or never had it and you really want it ( and you start a thread on this forum about it )

It's his desperation for having sex that is preventing him from having it.

There's probably some truth to that. But it's not the whole picture. However, removing that "desperation" for sex may be a good first step. Removing incorrect beliefs about women, sex, and himself would probably be another good step.

[cheech]

Originally Posted by seeker5

Here's something that helped me in my early 20's when I felt I didn't have much dating or sexual experience. I felt bad about that and wondered what I had to offer to a woman. I made a list of all the great things about having little sexual and little dating experience. After looking at this list, it helped a lot in feeling ok with where I was. I can already think of several benefits to you, and the woman you'll be with for her to be your first one.

that's interesting. would you consider posting that list (or PMing it if you'd rather). I'm a virgin at 23, and am dealing with many of the issues discusssed in this thread.

thanks,

chica

[SupersecretIdentity]

Originally Posted by marinik

And OP thought he had a problem!!! Your sexuality is part of your personality - who you are. If you are not able to embrace it, you have a BIG problem. Sex is the a very beautiful thing if done with the man/woman you truly care about with an open heart and mind. It is not dirty or messy! It is an art in its own kind. Just like a wonderful dance. You take responsibility for your own pleasure and try with all your being to give pleasure to the one you love.

Yes it can be ugly but only if it is "misused" and manipulated with. But when making love is something honest and wanted it is the best!

I agree that Hollywood has done great damage to a lot of aspects of life that are much more down to Earth then they are portrayed in the film industry. But saying sex is just this thing you do is not true.

And to answer the OP's dilema... learn, open your mind and soul and you heart and learn. It is a skill like any other. You need practice and it will all be just fine.

I think you misunderstand me. I think sex is great, I have NOTHING against it. The point I was trying to make is that it is built up to be this huge thing that is bigger than it really is, and this distortion of reality causes all sorts of unnecessary anxiety in people. Yes it's a great way to bond, yes it's fun, yes it is something to be celebrated. But it is NOT something to be worshiped and obsessed over like the main stream media would leave you to believe.

I don't know how you can say sex isn't dirty. I'm not talking about morally dirty here, I'm saying its physically messy. There are all sorts of little details like this that you don't really find out about until you figure it out on your own. Just trying to bring a little reality back to the situation so people can get the over-hyped fake hollywood image out of their heads.

[Rockchick26]

Originally Posted by PokerEnthusiast

Wow, I find that hard to believe! So ur saying that there are actually guys out there that will get involved with a girl they like and then "NOT WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH HER" when they find out she's inexperienced?

I guess these must be the guys that can get girls to sleep with them at the drop of a hat. lol Man I wish I was one of those guys.

No i mean they DONT get involved with her,because of her lack of experience. Like they flirt with her,act REALLY interested,go on a few dates,make out even,but then fly the coop after finding out she is either a virgin or not that experienced or not that into sex (yet,with him,anyway)

[Rockchick26]

Originally Posted by hopena

There really are guys out there who are like that ~ this article was recently posted on a social anxiety forum, in the relationships section:
The 30-year-old virgins ~ concerning women who have had men back off when they find out about their inexperience.

Ok this article seriously upset me. I am not technically a virgin but as close to it as you can get,and i'm 36. Maybe this is why i am single Maybe its not my shy personality at all,maybe it's not my looks. Maybe guys can just tell that i'm not experienced. I mean like i said in my other post,guys have stopped talking to me shortly after the making out/flirting phase,and if they make it that far then they are obviously interested and they didnt know me well enough yet for it to be any other reason,so it HAS to be that i come off as inexperienced or frigid.

*sigh*

Will guys EVER care about anything besides sex!?

[seeker5]

Originally Posted by cheech

that's interesting. would you consider posting that list (or PMing it if you'd rather). I'm a virgin at 23, and am dealing with many of the issues discusssed in this thread.

thanks,

chica

Pm sent!

[hopena]

Originally Posted by Rockchick26

Ok this article seriously upset me. I am not technically a virgin but as close to it as you can get,and i'm 36. Maybe this is why i am single Maybe its not my shy personality at all,maybe it's not my looks. Maybe guys can just tell that i'm not experienced. I mean like i said in my other post,guys have stopped talking to me shortly after the making out/flirting phase,and if they make it that far then they are obviously interested and they didnt know me well enough yet for it to be any other reason,so it HAS to be that i come off as inexperienced or frigid.

Oh, I'm sorry it upset you. I didn't mean for that to happen when I posted the link. I shared it, because a lot of men seem to think that women don't have the same problems as they do, when it comes to such things; there are just as many women worrying over the same things, out there - on social anxiety forums, for example.

*severely edited. I might PM you later, if that's okay.

[Rockchick26]

Originally Posted by hopena

Oh, I'm sorry it upset you. I didn't mean for that to happen when I posted the link. I shared it, because a lot of men seem to think that women don't have the same problems as they do, when it comes to such things; there are just as many women worrying over the same things, out there - on social anxiety forums, for example.

*severely edited. I might PM you later, if that's okay.

Oh it isnt your fault for posting it,i'm not mad or anything...it just hit home a little too well and slapped me in the face a little...it's helpful to know this so i'm glad you posted it. I just hope there are guys out there (some of who i will meet!) who won't judge a woman for this. (AND stick around!)