My "best friend" is toxic.

[Lucinda]

How do you end a friendship?

I don't want to be around someone who is constantly depressed (with no real reason to be), and who does not seem to support me in my dreams, but rather tries to compete with me in a non-friendly way...

I have spoken to her about her depression, but she says that she "likes being depressed". She is not suicidal or anything... She just complains about everything and seems to have a negative opinion about everything as well...

She is always fighting with her boyfriend, because he feels the same way as I do.

We have been friends for about 2 years and go to the same college.

So far I have stopped answering her phone calls... Not sure what else I could do. Any ideas?!!

[Colm OReilly]

I have a friend who in many ways doesn't fit in with the rest of my life, but fits in perfectly with some of my other goals and pleasures.

For the longest time I wished he could change and tried to force him to change. Then, I just accepted him for who he is and the choices he makes. Now our friendship is stronger than ever.

I've had friends that didn't want to change and who I grew apart from, since my path took me in another direction. If they want to learn from me and I can learn and grow from them, we'll be friends again. If not, well that's okay as well.

I've never flat out ended a friendship in the same manner as a romantic one, but I imagine if you've already expressed to your friend what you want in a friend and they're unwilling to comply, you'll grow apart anyway.

Ask yourself is it necessary to END this friendship? What do you want from a friend, a more importantly what do you want from this friend?

Also, why did you attract this friend into your life in the first place? (That question is always tough to answer)

Lots of love,
Colm

[elainevdw]

That's what I did with my toxic relationships... I just stopped answering calls.

I wouldn't recommend it, because then you'll spend the rest of your life avoiding those people.

You could answer the calls, but keep it short, and don't agree to hang out with her. (Don't say you're busy if you're not.) It's true; if your personalities and goals and such are that disparate, you will start to grow apart anyway.

If you're feeling really courageous, you can sit down and have a talk with her, explaining that you wish her the best, but you need to surround yourself with more positive people, so you might not hang out with her so much. Don't expect her to understand, though. Or, if she likes being depressed, expect her to take it to heart and enjoy wallowing in it.

But really, you don't have to surround yourself with people who turn out to be different than when you first started hanging out with them.

[Shaden]

I had this same problem with one of my ex-girlfriends. I chased myself into the relationship without really getting to know her and by the time I had gotten out of it I was shaking my friends and telling my friends that she turned out not to be the person I fell in love with.

A problem occured at this stage though. Because I was very natural and acted normally when we first met - she fell in love with me and still is today. I fell out of love because she turned out to be different to what I thought. In the end I cut all ties - she said it hurt to much to talk to me because I was everything she wanted. I didn't want to be with her because she bitched, moaned, smoked, binge-drinked and occasionally belittled me for my sexual inferiority.

Wait, I didn't mention that last one did I?

My point it that you will grow into and out of relationships. When I first split up with my ex, I would constantly feel pain when in answer to my friends question - 'What happened?' I would shrug and tell them that 'She isn't the person I fell in love with anymore '. It's sad but the pain eases over time and no longer then a month later she had moved on and found another boyfriend and I was happily single, reading lots of books on spirituality and religion and throwing myself with uncontrollable passion into my favourite subject - maths.

With friends however the general consensus is that you don't cut your ties fast. You let it fall away slowly and put new people in their place.

I wish you the best of luck.

Seriously though, that last one was a joke

[ReallyGoodIdeas]

Colm has a point though, is it that you've grown and changed since you met this friend? And why did you attract this friend into your life? This is a hard question to answer, but is vital to answer, or you'll just attract another friend the same. I'll add another difficult question, what have you gotten or what do you continue to get from this friendship? Are you sure you have moved on?

Once you're sure of your answers to these, You will be in a great position to deal with the details, like what to say when she rings. You will be genuinely busy doing other things, and you'll be able to sincerely wish her well.

Good luck
Joy to you
Hazel

[Lucinda]

I doubt I would feel any saddness or loss if she was removed from my life... I know that may sound harsh... But she just doesn't make me feel good most of the time. The good times are very few... She called me today, and I told her I was going away for a few days... Yes, I lied!! But at least I won't have to see her or speak to her!! She could tell there was something wrong because she kept asking me if everything was ok... I'm not very good at pretending to like someone...

I think I am just going to call her in a few days (when I get back from my trip lol), and tell her that I can't deal with her constant mood swings and negativity. I know she will probably take this badly... But at least it is the truth. I will still have to see her around school and all...

I know that I attracted her into my life, because at the time (2 years ago), I was pretty negative myself. We were similar personalities I guess...
Since then, I have moved on... But she seems to perhaps have become even more negative.

Thank you all for the advice!

[Cron]

Originally Posted by Lucinda

I think I am just going to call her in a few days (when I get back from my trip lol), and tell her that I can't deal with her constant mood swings and negativity.

It is a long shot, but if it is phrased well....maybe if you described how and why you changed.....it may serve as a wake up call to her, or at least be one iteration of future iterations that will coalesce into a wake up call someday.

I'm assuming she is young since she is still in college so there is a chance she may change someday.

[Steve Pavlina]

Erin and I have both had to end toxic friendships... never an easy thing to do. Generally I think it's best to do it with a written letter. That gives you a chance to express your thoughts clearly, to inform the other person that the friendship is over, and to give the other person time to let it sink in without feeling pressured to defend him/herself right away. The other person will probably write back, but once you've make your intentions clear, there's no need to respond again.

I don't recommend blowing the other person off or refusing to return phone calls, especially for a long-term relationship. How would you feel if someone did that to you? The direct approach is better and doesn't leave loose ends or create undue stress.

[Alvin]

I'd suggest being honest with her about what you're doing and why, because she may not know.

(It's crazy the crazy things people do that they don't know is crazy!)

It'd also be good to tell her what you think, in your opinion, is a good thing for her to do and what you want for her out of that.

Come from a caring but firm place, because you have every right to choose the kind of people you want around you.

[Colm OReilly]

Steve,

A written letter? That reminds me of breaking up with someone by passing a note in class! If you're going to be direct why can't you say this to them in person?

On changing someone, relationships and how people act are a lot like Vases; in the first few weeks/months you're mixing the clay (deciding the rules of the relationship) and then firing up the kiln (repeating and establishing the rules). During this time it's easy enough to change the relationship - or walk away - but after the relationship is set, it's a lot harder to change.

Lots of love,
Colm

[Steve Pavlina]

Originally Posted by Colm OReilly

A written letter? That reminds me of breaking up with someone by passing a note in class! If you're going to be direct why can't you say this to them in person?

It depends on the person. If you've reached the point where you just want to end it and move on w/o a big debate, I think a letter is best because it's clear and unambiguous. A conversation can work as long as the other person isn't going to derail you and you're still able to end things decisively.

A friend of mine tried to end a relationship with a conversation several months ago, but the other person didn't want it to end. The conversation went in a totally different direction than my friend expected, and the unhealthy relationship continues.

[Alvin]

Originally Posted by Colm OReilly

Steve,

A written letter? That reminds me of breaking up with someone by passing a note in class! If you're going to be direct why can't you say this to them in person?

Lots of love,
Colm

I can understand this...because I've done it. Sometimes people don't want to listen, and sometimes people can just express themselves more clearly through the written word.

[ReallyGoodIdeas]

I've done it via email, like a written letter. It IS easier to craft the best way to say things that way. Can I also recommend that rather than saying things about your friend (that she's too negative), phrase it in terms of yourself and what you want from the people around you? This is a great exercise in positive thinking for yourself, and is less of a poke in the eye for her.

It's also useful to tell her that you've changed. It may actually give her impetus to change herself as well.

I have found this myself, I tried to close a relationship I was in that consisted of me always cheering up a friend who was always complaining, and never doing anything about it. I changed, found that this person was just a lead weight, and examined myself quite closely about it. So I explained in detail over a period, what I'd been doing and what I'd elarnt from our relationship, and why I was looking for new like-minded friends. I don't know if this was related, but now our conversations are about positivity and good things. This person has now made major changes themselves, and is blossoming.

Joy to you
Hazel

[Alvin]

If you'd like, there's a guideline for expressing emotions you can follow and making sure you end up at the positive ones.

1) I'm angry/hurt/disappointed that...

2) I'm afraid that...

3) I regret...

4) I want...

5) I appreciate...

6) I love you because...

[Fusebox]

Originally Posted by Steve Pavlina

Erin and I have both had to end toxic friendships... never an easy thing to do. Generally I think it's best to do it with a written letter. That gives you a chance to express your thoughts clearly, to inform the other person that the friendship is over, and to give the other person time to let it sink in without feeling pressured to defend him/herself right away. The other person will probably write back, but once you've make your intentions clear, there's no need to respond again.

I don't recommend blowing the other person off or refusing to return phone calls, especially for a long-term relationship. How would you feel if someone did that to you? The direct approach is better and doesn't leave loose ends or create undue stress.

Wish I had read this last year. Will keep in mind if the need arises. Thanks Steve.

[viola]

I have ended quite a few toxic friendships over the last 5 years. The first time was actually the worst, as I had never done this before. But as I felt 'dragged' down and felt that he was an energy sucker I didn't have much choice but go ahead with it. I have no regrets and would do it again anytime.

I can't see any reason to 'put up' with any toxic friendships.

[Lucinda]

Originally Posted by viola

I have ended quite a few toxic friendships over the last 5 years. The first time was actually the worst, as I had never done this before. But as I felt 'dragged' down and felt that he was an energy sucker I didn't have much choice but go ahead with it. I have no regrets and would do it again anytime.

I can't see any reason to 'put up' with any toxic friendships.

I love and share your attitude.

[C33]

Hi,

I just sent a text mess to 2 friends I had trouble being with( see post). I feel positive and relieved.

I told them I needed distance, they decided they wanted permanent distance. Fair enough. I accept the consequences of my actions.

One of them was really angry and nasty, curiously, it is the one that I feel has been trying to "steal" my other friends away from me, for choice of a better word/ description.

The other one just tried to patronize me and told me I was narcissistic. I can't help it, my bday is on St Narcissus day!

In the end, I feel that if they are really meant to be my friends, they will re-open the channel of communication.

I wish I had told them a long time ago, that I needed time, my only regret is not to have been able to tell them in details, what was not working in our communication.

All in all a positive experience, to start a New Year, where I won t have to bitch about these 2 friends and feel shitty around them.

Surprisingly, none of them had any compassion towards me, they both got angry about the fact I wanted distance. They didn t get worried that I was not feeling well, even though they said that they were worried about my emotional being over the holidays.

I can see now, that they didn t really worry about me at all, but that they worried about when they would be able to see me to dump their toxic stories on me.

This is a lesson well learned. I talked with another friend of mine who knows the other ones, and, instead of taking their defense, as I thought she would, she just said she understood that I needed to protect myself.

Now that all the resentment towards them, and myself for letting them pollute my emotional well being ,is gone, I feel so much better, more positive, more relaxed.

I wish you the best of luck dealing with your situation.

[Isis Kali]

The biggest and best thing that you can do is to focus on being loving. Keep the negativity to a minimum. Even if these people are negative and poopy, they're being the best people they know how to be at this point in thier lives, and that should be respected.

Yeah, dying friendships aren't pretty. I'm in the middle of a whole slew myself. I'll tell you what...you may also want to do something tangible to mark these endings. Write these people letters that include everything that ever made you upset, then burn or rip them up. Or, an old friend of mine had me do this: you take a piece of paper and write a letter to the person you want to let go of. Make certain that the letter is positive, not accusatory! Wish them well in the end; say that you want them to find love, new friends, positive experiences, etc. Roll the paper up, wrap it in white yarn or string, and place it in a window for three full days and nights. At the end, throw it away or burn it. I've done it before, and it worked!

*hugs!*

[mtrimpe]

And what about serial toxicity? What if all your friendships turn toxic in a few months?
Does that mean you're just bad at choosing friends or is there some other negative tendency that tends to cause such a pattern?

[Lucinda]

Originally Posted by mtrimpe

And what about serial toxicity? What if all your friendships turn toxic in a few months?
Does that mean you're just bad at choosing friends or is there some other negative tendency that tends to cause such a pattern?

I really believe that you attract more of yourself.
Be the type of person that you would want to be friends with, and then you will attract those types into your life... Everyone else will fall away.
That's what I have been doing, and the friend I originally posted about has been falling out of my life... It's actually quite remarkable actually... We just keep missing each other... She will leave the city, and then I will leave when she returns etc... I also have stopped contacting her, and she seems to get them message. It's been easy... No drama.

[John Hill]

I wrote a post on my blog called "Are they really your friends" and some other related articles in the relationships category, maybe this might give you some ideas.

John

[yacapo]

I agree with Steve. I express myself much better in writing. If I were to do it in person, I would probably forget to mention 15 things that I would remember after the conversation. When writing, you can make sure you say everything you want to say without being interrupted.