A friend reveals a hidden face

[Renoa]

I met this friend of mine about 5 months ago. During the last lunch I had with him, he revealed a hidden part of his personality:

1.-He told me a story about the neighbor's dog which died when some of his relatives kicked the animal...and laughed out loud, because since then that relative says: "greetings to the family and kicks to the dog". Which he finds extremely funny.
2.-He mention another story of a fox being run over while some relatives where driving while talking about foxes... and laughed.
3.-Then it was the story about how some emo people were beaten by 2000 people who arranged the lynching through the internet. He remembered how the emo people didn't fight back, they just cried and called the police. He laughed a lot. He also remembered that his 10 year old cousin make a very good impersonation of an emo when he doesn't want to do the homework and his mother scold the child.
4.-He told me that where his family live, the homosexuals are beaten, and he beat a homosexual once.

I'm shocked that someone who I thought I had affinity with thinks that way. I'm totally stupefied. On one hand, I want to become the type of person who can be friends with people very different from myself. On the other hand, we also define ourselves by the things that we don't tolerate, isn't it?. At an emotional level, I really despise him now. I don't know what attitude adopt. Did something similar happened to you? Any piece of advice?


Context note:
I've always been very cheerful while talking to him, but lately I've been irritable due to some external problems so I've been more serious, maybe even ironic. It may be a coincidence, but this "new face" has appeared right in this context. Never before he mentioned any violent event in our conversations. I wonder if his choice of topics is related to my change of mood.

[danas]

I cant tell you what to do, but this happened to me once.

I have a cousin whom I was very close to and we went away for the weekend together. It was all really great, talking all night, laughing, until he said something very prejeduce against gay people. Claiming that it is the biggest sin and they should all be killed. I was so shocked. He is very smart, funny, traveled the world, lived in India etc..
I of course told him my views to which he said "what?? Youre one of those??" (open minded people, I guess he meant) .We drove home in silence, and since (3 years) arent so close anymore. I still love him, and I know he is confused, but its hard for me to ignore this big difference between us.
his opnions are not aligned with my most basic outlook on life, my values are completely this opposite of his, so what kind of relationship can we have?
Im still very nice to him when we meet, but that incident always reminds me of all the hate he has inside against innocent people.

[Renoa]

Thank you very much for sharing your experience with me, Danas.

[spookie149]

I had a similar experience when I was traveling abroad. I met a fellow traveler and we spent some time touring around Malaysia together. Then, out of the blue, he pulled out a video tape of him filming a man with out eyeballs in Thailand and he laughing and wagging around money in front of his face taunting him. He thought this was hilarious. I was disgusted. We were parting ways at the time anyway, but if we weren't I would have anyway. Like the last poster said- I don't feel comfortable hanging out with someone who doesn't share the same core values. If you feel really strongly about those values you shouldn't compromise them to make a new friend. There are some people you just won't ever be really good friends with.

As a side- that guy sounds like he has a lot of underlying issues. That's some violent/dark information he's been sharing with you. Even as a safety issue, you probably wouldn't want to get close to this person.

[driven1]

You think that's bad -- I just found out all my friends are McCain supporters.

(Only half-kidding... It drives home the point that I really don't belong here.)

[btwendel]

Originally Posted by Renoa

On one hand, I want to become the type of person who can be friends with people very different from myself. On the other hand, we also define ourselves by the things that we don't tolerate, isn't it?.

We can not be friends with everyone. Friends will be different but sharing the same basic values is important.

You can see this as a test - do you stand by your core values or not?

[Holistic Star]

I broke up with someone who threw a stone at a cat sitting quietly on a wall on the way home one nght. Ok it wasn't the only reason I ended it. I'd been having doubts and that was the last straw.

I mean, why would anyone do that? His reason 'I don't like cats.'

Not sure what to suggest. Sometimes we meet people and they present their 'best side' to us and we want to believe the best about them. The things you had an affinity with him are there. People aren't just one dimensional, I'm sure your friend can be funny, charming and great to be a lot of the time.

The thing that disturbs me most is no. 4 that he chose to beat someone up for who they were. That's the bit that could be someone with a very dark sense of humour over the line where they are violent themselves. Don't blame your mood for him revealing these things too you. At least you have found out already his low empathy with others and his amusement at violence.

[ns123]

I remember watching this youtube video of this 18 yr old gal, who was in a beauty pageant (teen usa?) and she was asked a question about education. She answered it horribly - I think because she was young and nervous. And the question was controversial and very loaded.

Some co-workers of mine passed around the video, laughing about how "stupid" this girl was. She was outwardly a pretty girl, but they all were laughing and declaring how stupid these beauty pageant girls were. Their taunting and laughing, and calling her stupid made me feel physically sick.

I told them I felt really bad for her, and she seemed young and nervous. I said that it was probably not enough information to conclude she was stupid. In saying so, they all looked at me as if I grew a 2nd head. Never have I ever felt to isolated and alone. The cheese stands alone. But, it did stop them from snickering and such after I spoke up. Maybe they just stopped it in my presence. I don't know.

I think, some people like to be mean and vicious, and they are emboldened when no one calls them out on it. Sometimes, it just takes some one to say, "hey, I see you." or "hey, that's not ok" to stop it. It shines light on it.

End the friendship with this person. You are shocked, I understand. But shared values is very important in a friendship. Good on you for recognizing the signs, and taking steps to say, "hey, I see you" to shine a light on that.

[garentee]

I agree to end the friendship if it feels right to do so. However it does a beg a question which I shall ask with a story.. I am friends with this couple (married kids etc) The husband I have been friends with for a while maybe 15 years, the wife just shy of that.. They have political beliefs on the absolute opposite side of one another. He refused to vote for Obama because he was black.. (it was not expressively said, but I know him well enough to know that was the case).. Shes a full on Obama supporter and they spent a good aamount of time arguing about it in front of their kids.. Question is since that is not very indicitive of shared values, should they not be together? I think not.. I mean yeah there are a lot of reasons why maybe they should not be together, but if you are willing to love someone even though they do not approve of your beliefs there should be no reason to not continue. Acceptance does not necessarily mean approval. I am of the belief that in this case when you start smiling and being proud of beating someone for who they are that that is not comparable to my story.

[LifeFirst]

I don't know BELIEFS have anything to do with this.

I mean, how is laughing at crippled people, beating up defenseless people, beating up homosexuals a BELIEF? Don't get too deep into the religious or pyschological aspect of it all. That is some plain evil stuff right there. With the emphasis on the word evil. Not voting for Obama because he's Black is one thing (which I can understand) but being violent or abusive towards others who have never done anything to harm you is something entirely different. If you beat up a homeless or gay guy wouldn't that be assault? Wouldn't you be in jail? Come on now, this is just psychopathic behavior right here.

Maybe I don't know the guy, but if my friends all of a sudden one day started hurting animals or started watching videos of people getting killed or something, I would definitely do something about it.


Like I have a guy that I get along with for quite a while, that is until I found out he was a sick racist who hates Blacks, Asians, Mexicans, or whatever people he thought was below him. At first I thought he was just joking around but then it got to the point where he talk about it like it's an obsession. I would walk with him and he would see a janitor cleaning the stairs, he would pull me to the side and say "see that guy? He's worthless....etc...." That got on my nerves to say the least, and I told him to shut up and I haven't spoken to him since. The guy was just evil and have malignant thoughts period. No other way around it.

[LifeFirst]

Originally Posted by Renoa

On the other hand, we also define ourselves by the things that we don't tolerate, isn't it?.

huh??

Do you tolerate murder? Rape? Cheating? Killings? War?? Senseless violence (like your friend suggests)??

No sane person would tolerate any of these things. What are you talking about?

[Renoa]

Thank you everyone for your replies, insight and humor. It still amazes me how no matter what happens to you, somebody else has gone through a similar experience before.

When I was there having lunch with him and listening to those stories, I couldn't believe what I was hearing and I was in shock. When I left, I felt disgusted and enraged. After I cooled down a little and thought about that detaching myself from it, I thought "wow, this guy has issues...", as spookie149 pointed out . When he mentioned he had beaten a gay person, I asked him lots of questions because I wanted to know exactly in which circumstances that happened. After much interrogation, he admitted that the other guy tried to kiss him. He THEN asked me not to tell anybody. He was very embarrassed because of that: not for the fact that he beat the homosexual guy, but because of the fact that he was almost kissed by him. If it where me, I would enfasize the reason why I resorted to violence, not the violence itself. Taking everything into account, I conclude that probably his whole close environment has issues.

I think that now I see better the limits of my tolerance. I feel I can be friends with very religious people, people against gay marriage, people with some prejudices, weird eating habits like juice feasting ... even McCain supporters!
I don't agree with any of those, but I understand those attitudes are reasonable. I'm against it, but I don't feel revolted.
However, when somebody feels such extreme amusement at animal and people suffering...well, that's going too far. There's something twisted in that person to say least. And I don't want anybody to associate that with me. It may be a cliche, but as my grandma said: "tell me who your friends are..."

LifeFirst, I'm afraid I don't really understand some of your remarks. Perhaps I didn't express myself clearly enough, but of course I don't support what my friend is saying/doing.

[Holistic Star]

I'd still be worried about the over reaction to a guy coming on to him. OK we don't know the details of the situation, but I still think it's over the top. He could have just said 'no thanks'. (If he did say no thanks and they guy still persisted and got agressive that's different. We don't know that from what he has said).

With the laughing at things it really could be a judgement call as to whether he's just got a dark sense of humour or whether he has a nasty streak too him.
I mean today I was laughing about something that could be taken as quite sick but that doesn't mean I'm a psycho:
In the summer I was looking after my friends rabbit for the weekend and it died. Obviously I was really upset about this even though there was nothing I could have done. (The owners had left saying the rabbit seemed a bit poorly and hadn't realised it was in the final stages of mxyamatosis). However my H and I were laughing this morning about the idea of buying them the 'Book of Bunny Suicides' for Christmas.

Amazon.com: The Book of Bunny Suicides: Andy Riley: Books

OK we wouldn't actually do it, but we were laughing at the idea just the same. Doesn't mean we are cruel people or that we think animals dying is funny. It's more at how unacceptable that Christmas present would be.

So while that might offend someone - it doesn't mean I would ever intentionally hurt anyone. It's when ideas get translated into reality that I get worried. Beating people up, actually hurting animals on purpose concerns me more.

It has to be your call. You were there and you know the tone with which things were said.