How straight guys ask other straight guys they just met for lunch/etc.?

[seeker5]

If you're a straight guy and you meet another straight guy that you really connect with, what's a good way to get about contact info/set up a time to meet again soon knowing that if you don't do this now, you may not meet the guy again?

[Rose of Cairo]

I'm not a guy but how about just spontaneously saying "Hey, you're cool! How about having lunch together to talk some more?"

If you don't have any sexual intent you won't come across as hitting on him.

[eskimo]

^ LOLOLOLOL

Oh sweet sweet Rose, you are definitely not a dude, and definitely not an American dude.

Firstly, guys don't ask other guys to lunch "to talk". Guys are doers, not talkers. Even if we wanted to talk to one of our buddies about something, we wouldn't invite them out "to talk". Instead, we'd say something like, "Hey, I need to bounce an idea off you" or "I wanted to get your thoughts on something I'm working on."

And in doing so, we wouldn't even make a special occasion to bring up something like this. Instead, we'd probably bring it up between downs in a tackle football game or after a series of games in a run of winners-stay-on pick-up b-ball.

Alright so I may be exaggerating a bit with the sports examples but I think you get my point.

Now back to you, seeker5, I'd say something like, "My buddies and I are gonna go shoot some pool after class. You're welcome to join us, if you want." You know, something inviting, non-obligatory, involving action.

If you're concerned about giving off an unintended vibe, you probably don't wanna say something like, "I know the most fabulous little quiche house and I've just been dying to get to know you better. What say you and I saunter down there for lunch tomorrow?"

Alright fellas, help me out here. Let's take back this thread from the estrogen-mongers and set young seeker5 back on the path of the straight and narrow (I'm having way too much fun with this).

[Rose of Cairo]

LOLOLOL

Sweet sweet Eskimo, you're so funny!

You're absolutely right, I'm not a guy and not American either. Here in France I've often heard straight guys invite other straight guys to have lunch with them to talk. They won't say "Darling, would you have lunch only you and meee to talk? I could cook some nice little meal for youuuu" - but they very well would say something like "Hey, are you hungry? I've got some spaghetti left at home. We could eat them and talk about this some more."

But I got your point: as a true AMERICAN MAN, you have to show everybody what a supercool strong macho dude you are, huh?

Okay, I let you drill Seeker then

The estrogen-mongerer

[JimOfferman]

Uhm, how about "we should have lunch some time!"

Usually works for me!

This might come as a surprise to you, but the average straight guy does not immediately think you must be gay when you invite him to have lunch.

[eskimo]

Heyyyy, don't be that way Rose. Alright, you know Je t'aime.

Before you start lumping me into the George Bush camp of American manism, let me just say that we now love and respect all perspectives (even those not our own). And oh alright, we'll start calling them French fries again

[oBakasan]

You can't.

It's a scientific fact that men don't have friends and only view others as sexual objects. So the mere fact that you want to see him again makes me question your masculinity and leads me to the suspicion that you may, in fact, be gay and infatuated with him.

Since your post clearly implied that you have some chemistry between you two, all you have to say is "Hey, you wanna go for lunch?" and if he's into you, you've got yourself a date.

[eskimo]

Jim, dude... you're not helpin'. So either you're with us or you're against us on this.

[Rose of Cairo]

No, no, Jim, you and I, we cannot understand this,we're but European wimps. I got it now.

See, in America, when you find someone interesting and therefore would like to have lunch with him to talk some more, you cannot possibly be upfront about it. Only gays are that straightforward! What would the neighbors think??!!

So first you have to show you're a MALE, you best prove this by practicing some very virile activities, like sports. Comparing penis sizes is ok too. You have to make sure that you always come across as a damn cool dude (even if you are not). And then you have to come up with a subtle plan to spend some time with the guy in question, but without it looking like you'd really like to spend some time with him... Got it? Play innocent and behave as if you're doing him a favor by allowing him to join the alpha male that you, naturally, are. And don't forget to scratch your balls before inviting him!

Sorry I couldn't resist.

[dancer]

Be spontaneous and don't worry about what if. If the guy thinks you are gay, isn't it his problem, should he consider it a problem? Be you.

[SomeRandomGuy]

I don't see the problem. I'm American, and a guy and I agree with Rose's suggestion. It is funny to me that there is some expectation that guys have to be all manly, but can't do something as simple as being straightforward with asking another guy out for drinks or lunch. How manly can you really be if you live your life according expectations or others and try to play a game to make friends. This last statement wasn't directed at the OP or other posters by the way, just a general statement about the American idea of a man.

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by eskimo

Jim, dude... you're not helpin'. So either you're with us or you're against us on this.

You Americans are such a strange folk...

Originally Posted by Rose of Cairo

No, no, Jim, you and I, we cannot understand this,we're but European wimps. I got it now.

Thanks for the explanation Rose!

If you need me, I'll be over there, dining with my European whimpy friends whom I invited...

[Rose of Cairo]

Okay, I'm back and serious this time.

Just be yourself Seeker. Be spontaneous. If you want something, be upfront and straightforward and say what you want. Don't worry about what is taboo and what is not and what others will think. Wtf, who cares?

What can happen? Maybe he'll think you're gay. So what? Either he has no problem with gays and will have lunch with you. Fine. Or he has a problem with gays and says no. In that case, have you really lost someone you'd very much resonate with?

The advantage of being spontaneous and genuine is that it's a filter. You'll attract only people you are congruent with.

[eskimo]

Originally Posted by Rose of Cairo

No, no, Jim, you and I, we cannot understand this,we're but European wimps. I got it now.

See, in America, when you find someone interesting and therefore would like to have lunch with him to talk some more, you cannot possibly be upfront about it. Only gays are that straightforward! What would the neighbors think??!!

So first you have to show you're a MALE, you best prove this by practicing some very virile activities, like sports. Comparing penis sizes is ok too. You have to make sure that you always come across as a damn cool dude (even if you are not). And then you have to come up with a subtle plan to spend some time with the guy in question, but without it looking like you'd really like to spend some time with him... Got it? Play innocent and behave as if you're doing him a favor by allowing him to join the alpha male that you, naturally, are. And don't forget to scratch your balls before inviting him!

Sorry I couldn't resist.

Ouch... that hurt.

Fellas, I'm kinda liking this Rose - she's kinda feisty.

[eskimo]

^^ See, now we're trying to bring this topic back up to the higher levels of consciousness. C'mon when we're discussing relationships between us men, we need to keep it base - chest thumpin', knuckle-dragging, monosyllabic gruntin' stuff just the way we like it.

[driven1]

"Hey, a few of us are grabbing beers later -- wanna come? Cool, I'm thinking 7, but I'll give you a call -- what's your number?"
"What are you doing tomorrow afternoon?" [nothing, I dunno...] "Come play volleyball, man -- I could use a solid teammate/setter/hitter."
"You like Indian food? There's a great place downtown. Let's grab lunch tomorrow."
"Dude, we're grabbing sushi tomorrow night. You in?"

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by Rose of Cairo

Okay, I'm back and serious this time.

Just be yourself Seeker. Be spontaneous. If you want something, be upfront and straightforward and say what you want. Don't worry about what is taboo and what is not and what others will think. Wtf, who cares?

What can happen? Maybe he'll think you're gay. So what? Either he has no problem with gays and will have lunch with you. Fine. Or he has a problem with gays and says no. In that case, have you really lost someone you'd very much resonate with?

The advantage of being spontaneous and genuine is that it's a filter. You'll attract only people you are congruent with.

This would be my answer if I were as smart as Rose.

[driven1]

I'm straight, have no problem with gays, but I don't want to lead anyone on and have them assume I'm romantically interested in them when I'm not. To me, that's just cruel.

[seeker5]

It's kind of funny to read the banter between European and Americans on this considering the guy I met last night was neither American, nor European.

[eskimo]

Relationships are indeed 4-dimensional.

[SomeRandomGuy]

Originally Posted by seeker5

It's kind of funny to read the banter between European and Americans on this considering the guy I met last night was neither American, nor European.



I do have some good American male friends back where I used to live where I could call up and just have lunch or get a drink and just talk without having to do something. Now that I've been living away from them for a while, I can call them up and have a long and interesting phone conversation. So maybe what you say holds for a lot of American guys, but not for all of them, and certainly not for the kind of guys I form close friendships with.

After reading the discussion here this morning and thinking about it some more this morning, I think I realized the source of my concerns. A number of years ago, I met a guy in a library and after 10 minutes or so of discussion, he asked for my phone number and we decided to meet again later. I had gotten complete "let's be friends" vibes form him, not having a single thought he might be gay. However, after several phone convo, I started realizing he might be gay and interested in me. So when I met him, I told him I was straight and while I didn't mind hanging out with gay guys, I was only interested in being friends. He admitted he was gay. However, despite what I told him, during the time we hanged out, he kept hitting on me and trying to woo me and by the time it was over, the whole thing had felt very uncomfortable to me.

However, after thinking about this this morning, I suddenly realized that what felt uncomfortable was not thinking the guy might be gay and hanging out with him. I didn't mind that at all. What felt uncomfortable was him actually trying to use the get-together to explicitly woo me after I told him I was straight and uninterested in guys period. Since I'll never hit on a guy, and try to "woo" him, then there's no reason for me to be concerned about him feeling uncomfortable!

One thing that jumps out at me from this post is that the guy you mentioned ask for your phone number. This seems to me like more of a "pick-up" thing to do than asking a guy to grab some lunch. I think I would be more likely to think a guy was wanting to date me if he asked for my number than if he just asked if I wanted to hang out.

[seeker5]

Originally Posted by SomeRandomGuy

One thing that jumps out at me from this post is that the guy you mentioned ask for your phone number. This seems to me like more of a "pick-up" thing to do than asking a guy to grab some lunch. I think I would be more likely to think a guy was wanting to date me if he asked for my number than if he just asked if I wanted to hang out.

Hrm. Perhaps so.

However, if I'm meeting someone for lunch or to hang out, I like having their contact info such as their cell phone/email address in case something comes up, or I'm late, or I can't make it for any number of reasons. That way I can notify them and not waste their time, and they can do the same thing for me. So.......

[gr8tocre8]

I have a different perspective on this. I was born and raised in Europe, but lived half my life here in the US, so I consider myself way more American than anything else.

That being said, I don't think you can pin the whole uptight-around-other-straight-guys on US guys having to be macho.

I think the media plays a huge part here. In the US, there is a huge amount of innocent joking around the whole subject of being gay. That is not my experience in Europe. In other words, Europe is more sexually liberated, but when it comes to speaking our minds about ANYTHING, in any way we want, the US is ahead of Europe.

Gays are a really easy target, and the whole "are you gay or are you straight" thing has been milked to the max in the US, from the show "Queer eye for the straight guy" to shows like "Will and Grace", etc. We even coined a term for it - "metrosexual".

All these shows are entertaining and funny, as is all the other goodhearted fun we poke at the whole gay/straight confusion issue, but because of it, it's created this thing where straight guys now REALLY have to assert themselves to make sure others don't think they're gay.

...not that there's anything wrong with that. lol

[Elrond]

Originally Posted by seeker5

Hrm. Perhaps so.

However, if I'm meeting someone for lunch or to hang out, I like having their contact info such as their cell phone/email address in case something comes up, or I'm late, or I can't make it for any number of reasons. That way I can notify them and not waste their time, and they can do the same thing for me. So.......

You gotta admit though, a straight guy asking another straight guy for his contact info is pretty "taboo".

[Dan.Linehan]

As a gay man who has trouble making gay friends, but not straight ones, this thread is cracking me up.

[Elrond]

Originally Posted by eskimo

Firstly, guys don't ask other guys to lunch "to talk".

Pretty elemental mistake by you right there, Rose. What kind of guys talk when they are having lunch together? Honestly, have you ever seen this happen, even in France? They are more likely involved in some kind of ”doing” (see below), i.e. something more involving than talking. Like chowing it down really quickly, or making a contest out of that. Or making each other laugh and squirt food out of each others noses. Or seeing who can eat the most. Or taking a leak, whilst doing all of the above. It helps to have ADHD.

Guys are doers, not talkers.

This is so true. In my experience, the more manly you are, the less you talk. In fact some of my best friends have autism.

Even if we wanted to talk to one of our buddies about something, we wouldn't invite them out "to talk". Instead, we'd say something like, "Hey, I need to bounce an idea off you" or "I wanted to get your thoughts on something I'm working on."

Yes, this. Guys are so much doers and so little talkers, that they talk very deliberately in order to not sound like a wuss. ”What, you wanna talk you føcking pansy!? Hey I could have tolerated it if you wanted to 'bounce an idea off me', or 'wanted to get my thoughts on something your working on', but ♥♥♥♥♥ like this totally creeps me out dude.” You ironically have to be very careful and pussyfoot around with your intent.

[ThoughtAddict]

Maybe it's that my friends are pretty liberal, but most of the time just asking along with your reason does the job. "Hey man, it's been cool talking to you, and I'd love to continue this conversation but I gotta run. You wanna grab lunch sometime?"

No issue with getting a guy's digits, either, so long as he's expressed an interest in continuing the conversation. And, like, don't use the word "digits", since it automatically sounds like you're aiming to score.

Also, the best technique I've found is to invite the guy to a cage fight. Be vague on the details, but offer to give him a call when you find out. It instantly establishes your manliness. Bonus points if it is your cage fight.

[ThoughtAddict]

Originally Posted by Elrond

Pretty elemental mistake by you right there, Rose. What kind of guys talk when they are having lunch together? Honestly, have you ever seen this happen, even in France? They are more likely involved in some kind of ”doing” (see below), i.e. something more involving than talking. Like chowing it down really quickly, or making a contest out of that. Or making each other laugh and squirt food out of each others noses. Or seeing who can eat the most. Or taking a leak, whilst doing all of the above. It helps to have ADHD.

Rose, in the language of real men, "talk" means "have sex". "Grabbing lunch and talking" thus roughly equates to "grab each other and have sex". Those kinky French guys you saw asking each other to eat spaghetti while having a conversation? Don't even get me started on the meaning of "spaghetti" or "conversation". Truly perverse.

[seeker5]

Originally Posted by Dan.Linehan

As a gay man who has trouble making gay friends, but not straight ones, this thread is cracking me up.

So, what's your take on this Dan? You walk up to straight guys, talk with them for 10 minutes or so, and exchange numbers/invite them to hang out with no problem? I figure if they have no problem with you - as a gay guy, then maybe it shouldn't be a problem for a straight guy

[SomeRandomGuy]

Originally Posted by seeker5

Hrm. Perhaps so.

However, if I'm meeting someone for lunch or to hang out, I like having their contact info such as their cell phone/email address in case something comes up, or I'm late, or I can't make it for any number of reasons. That way I can notify them and not waste their time, and they can do the same thing for me. So.......

I think that once you have made plans with someone asking for their contact info seems less of a pick-up attempt. If you make plans to grab lunch with a guy I don't see a problem at that point with saying something like, "Let me get your number in case something comes up". With this approach you have established a reason for wanting the number.