Family parties: If they feed negative feelings, why attend?

[Tasaio]

Greetings! I'm 20 years old, male, and living in Canada.

Although I was raised in an atheist household, the extended family still throws parties this time of year.

We have December birthday parties, Christmas Day, and New Years coming up.

The problem is, I have had a history of being bullied by older cousins. I was the only child not identified as being "gifted" in public school, and my cousins have never failed to bring this up.

Yet, if we take my cousins out of the picture, then there's nobody really there to talk to. My family has the distiction of being very arrogant and cynical -- and hence, depressing.

My parents often comment that they come home feeling bad about themselves, and don't enjoy attending.

Yet they still attend -- and there are plenty of (theoretically) good reasons:
- maintaining family ties
- practicing social skills for the "outside world"
- overcoming fear of bullying
- the extended family will become offended and shun me if I don't attend (they are very touchy about people not attending their parties).

I don't intentionally want to upset my extended family, but I feel that I'm letting them control my time, by forcing me to attend a social gathering I would *never* attend if they weren't my family. And so far, attending has not helped me in life -- it's only given them opportunity to bully me.

Should I not attend this year's parties? It would create a huge scene with my parents, and potentially with my extended family.

Another reason I'm reluctant to attend is that I always have things I enjoy doing -- I have sevearl personal projects I'm working on, and I feel like attending parties is seriously interrupting my schedule.

-----------------

Somewhat related:

One of my grandparents is extremely frail and unhealthy, and can barely communicate. To be honest, I understand that Christmas if probably something she looks forward to all year -- seeing her grandchildren is very important to her.

However, my parents also claim that because she is so "close to the end", that every party may be the "last time I see her".

I apologize if this sounds cold, but I feel kind of manipulated by this logic -- I feel that I have to "take advantage" of every opportunity to see my grandmother, because she may soon be dead.

But because she can barely communicate, there is nothing to do when we visit with her -- we just sit quietly, and talk to ourselves.

I don't want you to think me without compassion, because I have a great deal of love and respect for people I care about. However, I cannot practically say that I enjoy spending time with someone who cannot have a conversation.

Do you have any advice about how I should approach this situation? Is there some polite way I can spend time with her, but get some work done at the same time (e.g. using a laptop)? Or would that cause enormous problems?

Please accept my apologies if I come across as ignorant of social customs, or cold and callous. I assure you, I am not a horrible person, and do not wish to come across as selfish.

I am generally a quiet, shy person and would appreciate your advice.

Sincerely,

Tasaio

[Scorpio]

This may seem glib, but just accept that you have to attend these things. Lots of people hate family functions over the holidays but they'll never go away. It's a social obligation that you have to meet.

I used to hate them when I came home from Christmas during college. Now I find they go better if I stop resisting every little thing people want me to do and just play along for a few days.

[belugagirl]

Tasaio, I understand how uncomfortable it is to be around elders who are of dwindling capacity. (I think that's a major reason why we avoid visiting our elders and so many of them are lonely.) But to HER it is most surely not uncomfortable. You mentioned that you just sit quietly together. While that may not be your definition of meaningful time, I'll bet it IS hers. So go, and consider that your gift to her. Yes, it is a sacrifice for you, but that's what makes it an even more meaningful gift.

As far as the rest of the the family, their bullying you is about their insecurities, not your value. As unpleasant as it is for you to be surrounded by them, perhaps if you try entering the party with the intention/expectation that you will remain serenely unaffected by their negativity, it might help. If they pick on you, take a moment to feel sorry for them, that they are so in need of reassurance of their value that they have to obtain it at your expense. That might make you feel better and absorb less of it.

Good luck, and _Happy_ holidays!

[Angela]

I strongly agree with Belugagirl... even a few minutes spent holding grandma's hand and just being with her will mean so much to her, and you will be grateful to yourself later for having given her that.

As for your cousins -- I would go beyond the intention of "serenely unaffected" (which is fix-it, or lack, thinking) and be the intention of boundless generosity. It might be fun for you to give them the gift yourself, if as Belugagirl mentioned, they need you so badly in order to feel better about themselves. Ask them to bestow their "giftedness" on you, and have fun watching them preen and primp!

I would also suggest boldly and confidently announcing that you're working on a project that takes most of your attention and will mean this party is the only one you'll be attending this holiday season -- and that you hope to hear some good stories about the parties you'll unfortunately be missing. Practice your charisma. Give your grandma a big smooch and depart with a big smile and wave!

[elainevdw]

If it was that painful, I'd probably skip it and enjoy pissing them off. I HATE being controlled, especially in mean, underhanded ways. Your choices are, "Come to the party and be miserable" or "Don't come and we'll make you miserabe."

The only possible reason to go would be so that your extended family wouldn't make your parents miserable because you didn't go. In which case, oh well, suck it up -- your parents ultimately will appreciate it, and next time you hang out with your mom and dad, you can ♥♥♥♥♥ about your extended family together as a bonding experience.

As far as your grandma, there's no reason you can't make a special trip to see her outside of the party. Just make sure she knows to expect you (or else she might not recognize you right away), be prepared to do most of the talking, and expect only to spend 1/2 an hour to an hour with her so you don't tire her out. I bet she'd just love that.

[Cuddles444]

Spot on belugagirl and scorpio - good advice.

[MyEyeIsOpen]

Seriously guys?

No, listen--you have no obligation to subject yourself to abuse from "arrogant", "cynical", "depressing" people who are "touchy" if you don't hang out with them. These are direct quotes.

No, the only factor here is time spent with your grandmother. So spend time with her--make time to visit her, one on one. Sit quietly with her. Tell her stories.

You can do the things you want to do without subjecting yourself to a bunch of rotten people.

[Eduard E]

I agree with MyEyeIsOpen on this one.

Someone said "Just accept that you have to attend these things". Whaaat? Why? You don't have to do anything. Do whatever makes you happy. To me, this is the mature way to set personal boundaries.

[Angela]

Whoa. This thread is over three years old. It's interesting to see what I wrote three years ago -- like looking at an old journal. How did this one get resuscitated?

[MyEyeIsOpen]

That actually explains a lot, I didn't notice the date--the poster above me bumped the topic.

It was weird because you (Angela) sounded sort of like yourself, but something was different about the tone, I couldn't put my finger on it. It's old. Mystery solved 8)

[theuprising]

Originally Posted by belugagirl

Tasaio, I understand how uncomfortable it is to be around elders who are of dwindling capacity. (I think that's a major reason why we avoid visiting our elders and so many of them are lonely.) But to HER it is most surely not uncomfortable. You mentioned that you just sit quietly together. While that may not be your definition of meaningful time, I'll bet it IS hers. So go, and consider that your gift to her. Yes, it is a sacrifice for you, but that's what makes it an even more meaningful gift.

As far as the rest of the the family, their bullying you is about their insecurities, not your value. As unpleasant as it is for you to be surrounded by them, perhaps if you try entering the party with the intention/expectation that you will remain serenely unaffected by their negativity, it might help. If they pick on you, take a moment to feel sorry for them, that they are so in need of reassurance of their value that they have to obtain it at your expense. That might make you feel better and absorb less of it.

Good luck, and _Happy_ holidays!

Bah I've been bullied all my life and have been told this, that bullying is due to insecurities, this is bs most of the time. Of course in a very deep level it IS due to insecurities, but to not be under these insecurities, you have to be a very mature person, and such maturity is near impossible in the realm of Christianity, so for our purposes, no being a bully does not have to do w/ them being insecure. It has to do w/ them just doing it for fun/the heck of it, gaining pleasure at your expense since they don't see you as very important to society.