Controlling husband

[Aliyah]

Loa says we attract everything into our lives. Everything. So I attracted the perfect man for me. He even has the name I wanted him to have. BUT. I realised this only after I married him. He is sooo controling. THe way he says the way it goes. He even tells me what to wear, how to do my hair and what to say. AND, he is Very jelous. King of the world, listen to what I say, do as I say. He's the man-he's the head of the house I just don't understand how did I attract that too? Im a firm believer in equal marriages but I can make a guy think he's the head, he's the man, you know, make him feel like the world revolves around him.I LOVE him so much, he's wonderful but how did I get someone with such a delusion of grandeur? That's basicly the only problem, over which we almost devorsed after 2 months of marriage. I can't stand when people Tell me or make me do something. At least tell me WHY you want me to do something, but don't excpect me to just do it no questions asked. Can it be changed with LOA? I attracted the perfect guy, even the same name, but I cannot live with his superiority complex.

[NewPath]

perhaps you were looking at qualities, such as his name, instead of important qualities.

you attract controlling people by submitting to their control. If someone tells you what to do and you don't listen then they probably won't bother doing it anymore.

just keep telling him how you feel about his controlling ways and see if he will adapt. you didn't realize he was like this before you got married?

[Aliyah]

Not true) I'm not submissive. I don't do when I feel like i'm given an order. Hell no. And I do tell him. That's what most of our fights are about because I tell him if you want me to do something, tell me why? Why do this, or wear that. and if I feel its right, I'll happily do it. No, he wants it done no questions asked. And no, I visualized him not just with a particular name but with other qualities and he has them. Everything. Its this one thing that bothers me.

[Angela]

Why did you notice he is controlling only after you married him? Did you honestly have no clue about this personality trait of his before your wedding?

[ssandra]

Hello,

I have the same thing with my husband, in a bit less stress full way. He doesn't control what I wear or how I do my hair. What I do, and how I do things he does tell me.

I always want to know why, because if I do not see the reason behind it, why would I do it? His comment is "just follow orders!"

We talk about it for a very very long time now (together for 4 years of which 2 years married) and still have not found a solutions.

I do now why it bothers him so much. It is because he feels that he is right all the time, he has proven it so many times and if I ask why it feels for him as if I am questioning his intelligence.
For me it is just normal behavior. I would like to know why for 2 reasons; of which I only tell him one...
1. If I know why i can adjust my actions and do it right the next time as well
2. If I would not agree or if it would be stupid I will not do it
(Guess which one I am telling him.. )

We are handling this issue by talking about it. I tell him how it makes me feel when he orders me around (as if he thinks I am not capable of doing these things myself) and he tells me how he feels (as if I do not take him seriously because he is always right, even if he is wrong..)

We still have the same issue, but for me understanding why he is like that makes it easier to deal with it, and same from his side.

As well; something that helps is if I change my questioning. Instead of asking "why?" I say: "ok, no problem I will, but just to be clear, why?" it gets the result that I want, which is that he explains, without the bad feelings that it gives him and after me. And if I do not agree, then is the time to give my point of view (not: "but...", "why not...", what I would say is "ok, i understand. I was actually thinking that we might also....". It gets a better result that way).

Some people may ask why I would go to so much trouble and why not just tell him to ♥♥♥♥♥ off.. Well... I love him. He is my soulmate and the love of my life. I rather be happy then right.

Good luck! And keep communication up, maybe he doesn't even know why it bothers you so much.

[Aliyah]

Originally Posted by ssandra

Hello,

I have the same thing with my husband, in a bit less stress full way. He doesn't control what I wear or how I do my hair. What I do, and how I do things he does tell me.

I always want to know why, because if I do not see the reason behind it, why would I do it? His comment is "just follow orders!"

We talk about it for a very very long time now (together for 4 years of which 2 years married) and still have not found a solutions.

I do now why it bothers him so much. It is because he feels that he is right all the time, he has proven it so many times and if I ask why it feels for him as if I am questioning his intelligence.
For me it is just normal behavior. I would like to know why for 2 reasons; of which I only tell him one...
1. If I know why i can adjust my actions and do it right the next time as well
2. If I would not agree or if it would be stupid I will not do it
(Guess which one I am telling him.. )

We are handling this issue by talking about it. I tell him how it makes me feel when he orders me around (as if he thinks I am not capable of doing these things myself) and he tells me how he feels (as if I do not take him seriously because he is always right, even if he is wrong..)

We still have the same issue, but for me understanding why he is like that makes it easier to deal with it, and same from his side.

As well; something that helps is if I change my questioning. Instead of asking "why?" I say: "ok, no problem I will, but just to be clear, why?" it gets the result that I want, which is that he explains, without the bad feelings that it gives him and after me. And if I do not agree, then is the time to give my point of view (not: "but...", "why not...", what I would say is "ok, i understand. I was actually thinking that we might also....". It gets a better result that way).

Some people may ask why I would go to so much trouble and why not just tell him to ♥♥♥♥♥ off.. Well... I love him. He is my soulmate and the love of my life. I rather be happy then right.

Good luck! And keep communication up, maybe he doesn't even know why it bothers you so much.

Oh trust me, he knows why. As I said he yelled "divorse" once because of it. And no, I did notice it bofore, but it was never a real problem. Maybe he was just controling himself to lure me in. lol

[Holistic Star]

In what other ways is he perfect for you?

[Eisho]

Originally Posted by Aliyah

Loa says we attract everything into our lives. Everything. So I attracted the perfect man for me. He even has the name I wanted him to have. BUT. I realised this only after I married him. He is sooo controling. THe way he says the way it goes. He even tells me what to wear, how to do my hair and what to say. AND, he is Very jelous. King of the world, listen to what I say, do as I say. He's the man-he's the head of the house I just don't understand how did I attract that too? Im a firm believer in equal marriages but I can make a guy think he's the head, he's the man, you know, make him feel like the world revolves around him.I LOVE him so much, he's wonderful but how did I get someone with such a delusion of grandeur? That's basicly the only problem, over which we almost devorsed after 2 months of marriage. I can't stand when people Tell me or make me do something. At least tell me WHY you want me to do something, but don't excpect me to just do it no questions asked. Can it be changed with LOA? I attracted the perfect guy, even the same name, but I cannot live with his superiority complex.

Don't you take this to mean that the LoA doesn't in fact work then?

Eisho

[Aliyah]

Originally Posted by Eisho

Don't you take this to mean that the LoA doesn't in fact work then?

Eisho

Not at all. It works. It worked for every other trait in him, except this one. It was a total shock to me.

[Aliyah]

Originally Posted by Holistic Star

In what other ways is he perfect for you?

I won't go into detail, but most of us knowing LOA has a list, and theres a check next to every requirement, and even more. Maybe these kind of men come with the superiorty complex

[btwendel]

Originally Posted by Aliyah

Loa says we attract everything into our lives. Everything. So I attracted the perfect man for me.

Originally Posted by Aliyah

I attracted the perfect guy, even the same name, but I cannot live with his superiority complex.

How can you consider him the perfect man for you when you cannot live with his superiority complex?

There is a huge contradiction, if he was perfect then there would be no issue that you could not live with.

[Holistic Star]

Or maybe the list was wrong and you put things on it that you thought were important and would make you happy (like having the right name), but when you have it in reality, you realise that what you thought you wanted, wasn't quite it.

It might be only 'one thing' that isn't 'perfect', but being controlling and jealous sounds like quite a big 'one thing'. It's not like meeting someone lovely with brown eyes when you were hoping for blue.

Being in an equal realtionship seems important to you. You said something that confused me. You said you believed in equal marriages, but you make your man think he is the head? What's all that about? Do you want an equal marriage, or one where you are manipulating the other person's perception of equality. How do you get the things you want in the relationship, do you straight out ask for them or do you let him thing everything is his idea? How is that equal? How is that affecting your day to day interactions?

[Aliyah]

Originally Posted by Holistic Star

Or maybe the list was wrong and you put things on it that you thought were important and would make you happy (like having the right name), but when you have it in reality, you realise that what you thought you wanted, wasn't quite it.

It might be only 'one thing' that isn't 'perfect', but being controlling and jealous sounds like quite a big 'one thing'. It's not like meeting someone lovely with brown eyes when you were hoping for blue.

Being in an equal realtionship seems important to you. You said something that confused me. You said you believed in equal marriages, but you make your man think he is the head? What's all that about? Do you want an equal marriage, or one where you are manipulating the other person's perception of equality. How do you get the things you want in the relationship, do you straight out ask for them or do you let him thing everything is his idea? How is that equal? How is that affecting your day to day interactions?

No no, you did not understand me) I do believe in equal marriages but men are men, you know, they want to FEEL powerful, so why not make them feel that way? Its not manipulating at all. Its where YOU FEEL you're in an equal relationship but just because men want to be "all powerful and all knowing" once in a while make them think that just because they need it. By that I mean bring them up higher and make them feel good.

By perfect I mean I got everything I wanted in him, not just his name. Just because I put that in my post you guys think that's all I cared about, what was his name and what he looked like. Again I say, not true!! I had other characteristics and personality traits. And he has them. The only thing I did not put on my list is that he'd be ok with "equalness". And I didn't do that because I thought such control happened only in muslim families. I didn't even think that could happen. I knew noone's ideal and he would have some bad traits whether I want it or not, I just never thought THAT would be one of them because I honestly thought that only happened in muslim families. Other than that he's wonderful. Bad traits I can deal with, I'm not a gift either, but that behavior is just humiliating to me. Sandra said she'd rather be with him than be right, I agree, but not when you feel you're being ordered around and humiliated. To me, that's disrespect.

[CroMagna]

Wow, some women are truly pathetic...they'd rather be with a man than be right...good thing I'm a darkworker...

Equalness? You mean "equality"? You let people walk all over you and make other people your god? In my religion, Satanism, you are your own god. Period. You are the center of your universe. The Satanic witch is inferior to NO MAN. If you don't believe me, read The Satanic Witch by Anton LaVey. I'm a passive, 6 o' clock, typical feminine type witch, but would NEVER marry someone who thought they were more important than me. Ever heard of "giving an inch, taking a mile?" I feel like you have invited this control by letting people feel that they are better than you just because they're men. That's internalized sexism. Any man that needs to have a power trip is not worth getting involved with in the first place, unless the power trip is in a sexually stimulating situation.

You're better than this. Don't keep resisting our advice. What is the payoff of remaining with a jerk? He's cute and has a nice name, I can name about 10 guys like that...Be strong, pull it together, ok?

Take care

[Angela]

Originally Posted by Aliyah

I cannot live with his superiority complex.

Well, it looks like that's not true at all. You are, in fact, living with his superiority complex.

You maintain that he wants to feel powerful, and since you know you have the power to make him feel the way he wants to, you do it -- for his own good. Have you considered that perhaps he is doing exactly the same thing? He considers that you want to feel taken care of, and he knows he has the power to take care of you, so he does it -- for your own good.

This guy can't make you feel humiliated; you have to agree to it. Here's the meat of your issue:

I can't stand when people Tell me or make me do something.

Again, in fact you are standing it, you are living with this thought that he is *making* you do something, and you are standing there. This has zero to do with your husband, and 100% to do with you. The great news is that you have all the power in the world to transform this situation, regardless of his words, thoughts, or actions. Isn't that wonderful? That sense of power you have in helping HIM feel powerful? You might want to focus that on the person for whom feeling powerful would make a positive difference -- yourself!

If I were in your position, I would let go of "making" him feel powerful, since by doing that, you're doing exactly what you object to others doing to you -- "making you do something." I would take on a way of being that inspires me, and has nothing to do with *making* him anything. For instance, I might take a look at how I'm being for him exactly what I don't want him to be for me, and try on something new that works better, like accepting him exactly as he is and exactly as he isn't; Being Accepting.

Being Accepting, by the way, doesn't mean condoning his behavior that doesn't work for you; it simply means accepting him for who he is and who he isn't, and then taking appropriate action. (as opposed to being resistance, and being in a constant state of reaction.)

In other words, use the Law of Attraction to manifest a way of being in yourself, and let go of thinking you can use it to change him.

[ssandra]

Originally Posted by Aliyah

Sandra said she'd rather be with him than be right, I agree, but not when you feel you're being ordered around and humiliated. To me, that's disrespect.

Do you know why he orders you around? Have you asked him? Have you asked him how it makes him feel when you do not do what he says?

I am not saying that his feelings are more important, but it can be the start for you to feel different when being order around. Feel good about it instead of humiliated and disrespected.

Another thing that really helped me is to talk to him at a moment when it is not an issue at all. Like, when lying in bed just talking, or after a nice diner when we are just talking nicely together... It will have less emotional ballast at that moment.

Otherwise.. just talk to him and be honest. If he really loves you it might be difficult but he will change (or try to). And if not, you are better without him.

I once said something like: "if you treat me like ... it makes me feel unworthy and unhappy. I do not want to be in a relationship where the other person makes me feel like that. What can we do to improve this?"

Just a small question: Are you from different cultures? Sometimes that might be an issue as well, different cultural expectations from the marriage. (like mine; i am dutch and he is mexican)

[NewPath]

Originally Posted by Aliyah

No no, you did not understand me) I do believe in equal marriages but men are men, you know, they want to FEEL powerful, so why not make them feel that way? Its not manipulating at all. Its where YOU FEEL you're in an equal relationship but just because men want to be "all powerful and all knowing" once in a while make them think that just because they need it. By that I mean bring them up higher and make them feel good.

By perfect I mean I got everything I wanted in him, not just his name. Just because I put that in my post you guys think that's all I cared about, what was his name and what he looked like. Again I say, not true!! I had other characteristics and personality traits. And he has them. The only thing I did not put on my list is that he'd be ok with "equalness". And I didn't do that because I thought such control happened only in muslim families. I didn't even think that could happen. I knew noone's ideal and he would have some bad traits whether I want it or not, I just never thought THAT would be one of them because I honestly thought that only happened in muslim families. Other than that he's wonderful. Bad traits I can deal with, I'm not a gift either, but that behavior is just humiliating to me. Sandra said she'd rather be with him than be right, I agree, but not when you feel you're being ordered around and humiliated. To me, that's disrespect.

"Men are men and they want to feel poweful". I really don't think this is always the case in modern relationships. I am a man, and I work to spot my own vanity and poor qualities (such as the need to feel superior), and I am generally fairly effective at it.

I think working on seeing the falsity in this generalization would do you some good.

I picked the "he had the right name" part of your post out only because you mentioned it twice in your brief opening post.

It sounds like a very tough situation. If he has such a need to feel superior and won't relent then it will be something you'll have to work on for awhile if the relationship is to be successful.

All I can say is, if you want the relationship to work, you must keep objecting to him treating you as a subordinate. Either he'll wake up and realize he's going to lose you, or the relationship will fail. If he has no desire to change then unfortunately you will have a lot of trouble

[m18pak]

I recommend you read a book called 'How to Mend Your Broken Heart' by Paul Mckenna & Hugh Willbourn. Read chapter 5.

[Aliyah]

All the talking doesn't work. Being nice and having a fight doesn't work either. Asking why and not doing when he doesn't say why creates a fight. Telling him how it makes me feel doesn't make any difference, and in no way I let him feel like I need to be taken care of.
"as I say" type of thing for him is respect to him, but ordering me around is desrespect to me. Offering him a compromise where he explains why he wants something a certain way and me if I agree will do it-doesn't work. He said respect me first and then I'll respect you. Now that's manipulating. That will never happen unless we start with a mutual respect. Nope, didn't like that either. He's away now. I miss him, but it feels good when there's no constant pressure and fights over such stupidity. Honestly, I think our problem is stupid. The best thing is to compromise. I get what I want and give him what he wants. Noooope I can accept him as he is, but I will never accpet such disrespect towards myself. If I do, it will never stop. I guess theres no use in talking about it anymore. I'll see how it goes and if he wants me around he better change. I can always make a new list. Plus I don't want to be a psycho by the time I'm 30. I've started having fevers after every fight with him. I'm tired of telling him how it makes me feel and offering a compromise.

[ns123]

It sounds like you keep telling us that it's not working out. So we day, yeah, you're right, it's not working out, why don't you leave or so x, y, z. And then you come back and say, no, no, and give reasons for why you can't leave him or do x, y, z.

So... what is it that you really want? From what I'm reading about how you are describing your relationship, and I know this is just one aspect of your relationship, it doesn't sound like it will work out.

I think you should let him go with love and find some one who will be less of a power struggle for you.

[Liveformx64]

Being a guy, I think I can understand where your husband is coming from.

When I was at the point that your husband is now , I was largely overwhelmed by fear and negative thinking. The Jealousy, the control, anger is all a manifestation of him feeling threatened in some way or in various ways. Usually it is threats his ego (pride), or his feelings of dependency on you.

If he is a (manly man) by modern American standards he has attached his sense of self worth to how well you listen to him, and submit to his will. When you don't submit this causes a direct feeling of impotence inside his brain.

My second point is dependency. If he knows deep down that he feels he truly needs you and does appreciate what you two share, but truly doesn't understand the nature of love and sharing he will resort to the reptile brain function of protecting that which provides him sustenance. This is usually manifested in Jealousy and other fear oriented thoughts. What he doesn't understand is that his efforts effectively kill the bond you two have, opposed to what he is trying to do, which is to protect it.

All this being said, the problems you mention are symptomatic in nature. I keep taking pain killers for the splitting headaches I am having, but it does little to address the cancerous tumor growing in my brain. What I am getting at is, you need to look to the core of the problem, and the first thing I will tell you is that it is not you. Your husband has some deep seeded issues with self-esteem and self-worth that he manifests in your relationship.

Your role as a wife can be to help him and guide him towards unconditional love, but only he can make the choice towards healing. The great news is, you as his wife can know certain ways to his heart that no-one else does.

What are your husbands thoughts towards inward improvement, and development?

[Aliyah]

Originally Posted by Liveformx64

Being a guy, I think I can understand where your husband is coming from.

When I was at the point that your husband is now , I was largely overwhelmed by fear and negative thinking. The Jealousy, the control, anger is all a manifestation of him feeling threatened in some way or in various ways. Usually it is threats his ego (pride), or his feelings of dependency on you.

If he is a (manly man) by modern American standards he has attached his sense of self worth to how well you listen to him, and submit to his will. When you don't submit this causes a direct feeling of impotence inside his brain.

My second point is dependency. If he knows deep down that he feels he truly needs you and does appreciate what you two share, but truly doesn't understand the nature of love and sharing he will resort to the reptile brain function of protecting that which provides him sustenance. This is usually manifested in Jealousy and other fear oriented thoughts. What he doesn't understand is that his efforts effectively kill the bond you two have, opposed to what he is trying to do, which is to protect it.

All this being said, the problems you mention are symptomatic in nature. I keep taking pain killers for the splitting headaches I am having, but it does little to address the cancerous tumor growing in my brain. What I am getting at is, you need to look to the core of the problem, and the first thing I will tell you is that it is not you. Your husband has some deep seeded issues with self-esteem and self-worth that he manifests in your relationship.

Your role as a wife can be to help him and guide him towards unconditional love, but only he can make the choice towards healing. The great news is, you as his wife can know certain ways to his heart that no-one else does.

What are your husbands thoughts towards inward improvement, and development?

You know, I did think it may be negative thoughts, low self esteem and that he gets some self assurance by controling me in everyway possible. If that was the problem, I'd be able to fix it. However, he is very confident in himself and in anything he starts. Overly confident sometimes. And, I don't understand why would he feel self assured if I listen to him no questios asked. I know to him its respect, but I told him its desrespect to me, so why wouldn't he compromise? Wouldn't you if loved someone?
Or maybe he's too proud of his achievements and here I come along and don't follow his rules?
Could be his pride. Its over the top. He even told me once if I (or anyone else) put him in the position where he'd have to choose, he'd choose his way even though his heart would be with me. I can't do anything with his pride, its for him to deal with it.
Yeah, you're right. Probaby because its respect for him and when I don't listen, it hurts his pride. But then again, why not just simply and nicely expain and I'll do it. And if I don't think its right-we'd figure something out. If he wants me to respect him, why disrespect me?

[Liveformx64]

The need for control is a powerful beast that can really take hold of someone, I have been down that road, and I never truly had a happy day until I decided to live and let live.

Did you ever think his confidence may be an overcompensation for a deep down subconscious inadequacy? My emphasis is on the subconscious. On a scale of 1-10 how emotionally/physically conscious would you rate him? I don't mean does he cry when you watch Bambi, I mean will he tell if you he has a problem or something is bothering him? Or more simply, when was the last time he admitted he was wrong to you?

You can usually look to his upbringing to figure some of this out. Do you know his parents? What type of people are they? Happily married, negative, cold, generous, warm..... If his mom thought poorly of herself or him, chances are he may as well.

[Aliyah]

Originally Posted by Liveformx64

The need for control is a powerful beast that can really take hold of someone, I have been down that road, and I never truly had a happy day until I decided to live and let live.

Did you ever think his confidence may be an overcompensation for a deep down subconscious inadequacy? My emphasis is on the subconscious. On a scale of 1-10 how emotionally/physically conscious would you rate him? I don't mean does he cry when you watch Bambi, I mean will he tell if you he has a problem or something is bothering him? Or more simply, when was the last time he admitted he was wrong to you?

You can usually look to his upbringing to figure some of this out. Do you know his parents? What type of people are they? Happily married, negative, cold, generous, warm..... If his mom thought poorly of herself or him, chances are he may as well.

I don't see why there would be a sobsonscious inadequacy. His mother is wonderful, she's the best mother in law anyone could have. But he did admit she spoiled him. Everything was for him. Even if it was, I would encourage him, bring him up, tell him how good he is, I think it would get worse. I noticed whenever I do that, he starts thinking too much of himself. There was no father figure, but he promised himself not be like him. He didn't know him, just heard. Maybe he wanted someone like his mother. She's the one that listens. When she starts to agrue and tell him something a few times or "teach" he gets irritated and talks to her in not a very friedly manner. However, he loves her and always helps around no matter what. She even told me once, she feels like his the father around and she's the daughter. Clearly he doesn't get that from me, and he won't. He's also extremely jelous. He says he's not and hides perfectly, but in his actions and word you can see it.

He never admitted he was wrong. He would either ignore it or most of the time turn it around and make me wrong. I'm already afraid of telling him anything, cause he will turn it around and make me feel bad and guilty.
Other times, when everything's fine, I adore him.

[Steliana]

Sadly it sounds like you are so much in love with your husband that you are ready to come up with so many excuses about his behaviour, while your subconscious mind is desperately trying to worn you – DANGER!
By your words he sounds so controlling, orders you around (you and his mum) and also jealous (you didn’t mention this in the beginning). Maybe he has more qualities that are there and you don’t like but you excuse or ignore?
It sounds to me as if you took a decision to be with this person because you believed they were in a certain way and now you are slowly realising they are not at all what you thought they were. Now you are trying to fit them in your original perception, but somehow it doesn’t fit…Something in the sense of trying to fit a square frame in a circle container… or something like that.
You say he is very confident, over confident sometimes. Maybe this is just a cover up, just a front he puts on? Deep down he is probably not that confident. Confident people do not need to control anyone. They are not jealous either.
Whatever was the reason of his father not being present probably did leave its mark. Maybe he felt abundant? Maybe now he feels he needs to control situations because he is afraid of people leaving him again.
Seems like he looks on showing weakness as something to be ashamed for and not loved for. So he is showing power, control and power for him probably = love. Seems like obeying to him = respect = love. If you are not obeying – you don’t love him so then even the greater need to ensure you obey him. He probably is subconsciously setting a test for you – how much you love him = how much you obey him. Maybe he doesn’t even realise why he is doing all that.
I think both of you need to address the control issue very seriously.
He does not need to tell you what to do, or tell anyone for that matter. Him trusting you that you do your best in all situations and loving you the way you are with all you faults is respect. By ordering you to do things without questions asked is disrespectful. By you asking him to tell you why he wants you to do these things and then you would do them is just another form of submission. You ask ‘why’ and you think you are standing up for yourself, you are probably telling yourself – ‘I am not being weak, I asked ‘why’ I did something. But in fact it does not make any difference over all. And he continues in the same pattern.

[ssandra]

Originally Posted by CroMagna

Wow, some women are truly pathetic...they'd rather be with a man than be right...good thing I'm a darkworker...

Sorry to tell you, but you are wrong. I am not pathetic. And I would not rather by with A man, I rather be with MY man than be right.

And the right context for these words are not that I will swallow everything he says without thinking. It is more that some things just are not worth arguing over.
Not because he wants it that way, but because it makes me happy.

This is a conscious choice, time after time again, to be happy. I do not see how that is pathetic.

Is it any better to be miserable in your life but at least know that you are right and fought until the bone to express yourself??

[carenkh]

Originally Posted by ssandra

Is it any better to be miserable in your life but at least know that you are right and fought until the bone to express yourself??

How 'bout happy AND right? I don't really mean "right", but supported, I guess. How about a life where your expression is free, and desired, where you don't have to fight to the bone for it?

[Angela]

Originally Posted by carenkh

How about a life where your expression is free, and desired, where you don't have to fight to the bone for it?

Wouldn't that be nice? But as long as you believe you can only have that if your husband* grants it to you, or if you marry the right guy, or if you train him right, or if you feel you could be happy if only your husband would change, then you are living at the effect of others, and your expression will NEVER feel free. It's zero percent him, and a hundred percent you.

*or wife or partner.

[Aliyah]

Originally Posted by Steliana

Sadly it sounds like you are so much in love with your husband that you are ready to come up with so many excuses about his behaviour, while your subconscious mind is desperately trying to worn you – DANGER!
By your words he sounds so controlling, orders you around (you and his mum) and also jealous (you didn’t mention this in the beginning). Maybe he has more qualities that are there and you don’t like but you excuse or ignore?
It sounds to me as if you took a decision to be with this person because you believed they were in a certain way and now you are slowly realising they are not at all what you thought they were. Now you are trying to fit them in your original perception, but somehow it doesn’t fit…Something in the sense of trying to fit a square frame in a circle container… or something like that.
You say he is very confident, over confident sometimes. Maybe this is just a cover up, just a front he puts on? Deep down he is probably not that confident. Confident people do not need to control anyone. They are not jealous either.
Whatever was the reason of his father not being present probably did leave its mark. Maybe he felt abundant? Maybe now he feels he needs to control situations because he is afraid of people leaving him again.
Seems like he looks on showing weakness as something to be ashamed for and not loved for. So he is showing power, control and power for him probably = love. Seems like obeying to him = respect = love. If you are not obeying – you don’t love him so then even the greater need to ensure you obey him. He probably is subconsciously setting a test for you – how much you love him = how much you obey him. Maybe he doesn’t even realise why he is doing all that.
I think both of you need to address the control issue very seriously.
He does not need to tell you what to do, or tell anyone for that matter. Him trusting you that you do your best in all situations and loving you the way you are with all you faults is respect. By ordering you to do things without questions asked is disrespectful. By you asking him to tell you why he wants you to do these things and then you would do them is just another form of submission. You ask ‘why’ and you think you are standing up for yourself, you are probably telling yourself – ‘I am not being weak, I asked ‘why’ I did something. But in fact it does not make any difference over all. And he continues in the same pattern.

Makes sense what you're saying. And yes, obeying=respect=love, however he knows its it disrespect to me. And he does "test" me in a way. The day he decided he wanted devorse, he changed his mind and let me choose. He said We'll see how much you love me. Of course I didn't say I'll be obeying him. I said tell me why and only if it is right I'll do it. Its not for me to choose, but you. whether you want such compromise or not. And from that we stopped fighting for a few days. Then, I find out that he understood it in a totally different way. From my words he made a conclusion that "i don't always ask and he doesn't always explain" I still don't understant how he could made such conclusion.

And no, by him explaining why he wants something done I won't be obeying him. I have my own head and if whatever he says it truly right and would be the best chose, of course I'll listen to the advice. That's what I mean by explaining why.

Everything's ok now. He's away. I miss him, but FREEDOM!))

I don't think I'm making exuses, just trying to figure out why he behaves like that. I think I understand now, but from what I understand, it is his problem and I cannot help him deal with it. He has to do it.

I can't say anything right now, I don't see him. But we still manage to fight sometimes over the phone and ICQ. I'll see how it goes when we're living together again.

And yes, you're right, that kind of behavior I percieved in a different way before. What can I say, Love is blind ))

[bluemoon]

I like being in a relationship. I also like self-fulfillment, a good amount of self-respect, and occasional constructive conflict (meaning working things out, not "obeying" the mister). Somehow, I can do all these things.

I spent 3+ years in another relationship where I was always wrong, he was always right, and the fights and the guilt left me with a terrible pit in my stomach much of the time. I was constantly afraid of another fight, or being torn down. Amazingly enough, I thought I was happy because "everyone has problems" and "lots of times he does nice things". I was incredibly naive.

I feel like a relationship that is riddled with fighting, disrespect and is constantly about one person being right can NEVER be healthy, no matter how much good stuff goes on during the downtime. I feel like a relationship is for both parties to learn and grow off each other, not to feed one person's ego. If your happiness is conditional, I think you should take a hard look at why that is.