My Boyfriend and My Best Friend

[sitandbestill]

I have just found out that my best friend is seeing a guy that I dated this summer. The guy was someone I had dated 15 years ago, and we reconnected this year. We saw each other for a few months and ended it in September. I had my suspisions that they may have been interested in one another because of some subtle cues I noticed between them on a few occasions when out with them both. I had asked each of them and both denied any involvment but my body/ mind would not let me forget it. I had dreams that worried me, and I was vibing all the time.

I am hurt because I confided in my friend about the relationship, and all aspects of my life, we have known each other for 20 years and I feel foolish because I have been kept in the dark. Had I known, I would have held back my thoughts and feelings. I asked her again yesterday and she admited that my suspisions were right, that I was not imagining things that they are involved. My question for you has to do with what to do now. I tend to be a person who holds onto pain, and I need advice on how I might help myself process this, and let it go.

[pokilty]

There's no reason for you to feel bad about this situation. Your friends were being untruthful with you, which caused misunderstandings. You were only acting on what you knew at the time. Your feelings were telling you something different, so this is a chance to realize how powerful your intuition is and use it as a tool in the future.

Your friend and ex-boyfriend were misbehaved. If anything, they should feel bad for deceiving you. You said, "she admited that my suspisions were right", which is actually kind of crazy, don't you think? She shouldn't be "admitting", she should be "confessing" and letting you know what happened. Don't put yourself in a victim position here, be confident and realize that you are the one in a powerful position rather than your friend.

You've seen the truth now. Don't let it get you down, and try to look at everything from a broad perspective instead of focusing on bad feelings.

[sitandbestill]

Thank you - I am trying very hard to stop thinking about this. I've always trusted my intuition, and you are right, I will use it as a guide in the future. Your words are very helpful thanks again.

[garentee]

Now that the truth is out there, it is best perhaps to forgive them for being dishonest and then to wish them well and hope for the best. Give it away as a gift to them both despite their misbehavior.

[Pequod]

I get the impression that you are still seeing them. If that's true, it is wise to transform your grief into assertiveness and tell them what you think of their behaviour and that you won't tolerate that kind of second rate behaviour. They have willingly deceived you even though you asked tem about it face-to-face. I am sure you deserve better friends than them.

This situation could be a wake-up call to step up and create a better life with people that treat you better!

[robc]

Originally Posted by Pequod

I get the impression that you are still seeing them. If that's true, it is wise to transform your grief into assertiveness and tell them what you think of their behaviour and that you won't tolerate that kind of second rate behaviour. They have willingly deceived you even though you asked tem about it face-to-face. I am sure you deserve better friends than them.

This situation could be a wake-up call to step up and create a better life with people that treat you better!

Use this as a wake up call.

People are your friends because you know them, trust them, have fun with them, talk with them, hang out, etc.

You thought you knew them, you thought you could trust them and talk to them - that has obviously changed as they were deceitful and kept you in the dark about the situation.

They may even say it was to protect you but it wasn't for that reason, it was to protect themselves. Friends don't take advantage of other friends like that.

When their relationship fails (and it will, relationships formed in these types of situations rarely last), they will have lost themselves and you as a friend, that is their payback, that is their karma - they will get what they put out.

You don't have to do what any of us tell you to do but you have to be comfortable with yourself to be sure about anything.

Be honest with them - something they weren't able to do with you. They hurt you, they took advantage of the fact that you didn't know about what was going on and they did this behind your back. You have no trust in them anymore and you should probably place your friendship with them on hold and determine if it is worth it to you to have friends that would do that to you.

Personally, I know my close friends would never do that to me, you should have friends that would hold you in the same high regard and look after your best interests - because that's what friends do.

[funchy]

If the relationship end in September and the friend started dating the guy in October, I am not convinced anything wrong happened. Perhaps your friend knows you would be oversensitive to this issue and she didn't want to hurt your feelings telling you until she was sure she and he were definitely going to date?

Let go of all those bad feelings. It may sound hard, but you need to let go of him. The relationship ended for a reason. You can still keep all your good memories of nice times together, but accept that it is over and move on. Once you really have moved on, it won't hurt you to see a friend dating him.

[Alexjstrandberg]

For me I would have no problem with an ex dating my best friend as long as it wasn't cheating or anything. I'm not for everyone and all relationships won't work. Just because a person wasn't right for me doesn't mean that they won't be perfect for my friends. If the girl was a cool girl but it just wasn't working I would actually suggest friends of mine to date her.

yeah, she didn't tell you but you need to understand why. It wasn't a slight towards you but just trying to not hurt you by not telling you. Although she lied about it she was scared to lose your friendship. If she was upfront about it you could have freaked out and ended the friendship right there and then. She didn't want that to happen.

[Aliyah]

First of all, be honest with youself. Why did you guys ended it. Who was the initiator? what was the reason? If it was you-then leave it. It normal not to want your exes to see other ladies, especially your best friends

But if the initiator was him, and they admit, you were not delusional when you thought there was somehting between them while you were STILL dating and now they're together...see where I'm going? Don't get mad please, but even if there's 20 years of friendship behind you two, when it comes to man, women are not friends. Harsh reality. If she was smart, and saw how much he ment to you, no matter how much she liked him, she would've let go. AND, if she would have done that, your guy would not have ran after her. Chances are he would have stayed with you. So make them pay))) Nicely said ONLY if that's the case. and then let go) I just hate when your best girlfriends take away your boyfriends. THat's how nice girls become bitches. Pardon my french.

AGAIN, all you out there, don't bark at me I don't know the entire situation and if you guys BOTH disided to end it or YOU did-stop wasting you nerves and find a better guy)

[Aliyah]

Originally Posted by Pequod

I get the impression that you are still seeing them. If that's true, it is wise to transform your grief into assertiveness and tell them what you think of their behaviour and that you won't tolerate that kind of second rate behaviour. They have willingly deceived you even though you asked tem about it face-to-face. I am sure you deserve better friends than them.

This situation could be a wake-up call to step up and create a better life with people that treat you better!

Right on! Respect