Is this cheating?

[ballaholic]

My girlfriend of about 2 years had to move to the westcoast because her dad got a job there last summer. So far, it's been a 4 month long distance relationship.

Lately, I've been acting like an ****** to my girlfriend because she's been spending alot of time with one of her close guy friend and i voiced my displeasure to her. We got into a big fight last thursday and I said things I shouldn't have said. Basically, she thought we had broken up because I did not call her and wished her luck on her exam and because of the things i said. She went out with her friends including this guy for dinner after her exam, and when this guy dropped her off, they pecked each other on the lips. I don't know who went in for it, but by the way she was saying she doesn't know, I think it was her. She told me this today, and I was upset, and I didn't know what to say and yelled at her, and we both broke down and had a ball. She also told me she had feelings for him, which i suspected. I was insecure about her spending alot of time with this guy because when we were physically together (1.5 hours apart), she would continue relationships with guys that are obviously hitting on her with the intent of getting in a relationship with her.

She said she would cut ties with this fellow, but I have my doubts because she said she would sort it out with him tomorrow. Mind you, this guy told her to break up with me, and that she deserved better after she confided in him about our problems.

I can't stop thinking about it, and I don't know what to do. She told me she had feelings for him because he makes her feel special but she also told me she loves me, and only likes him.

[silicon toad2000]

its the old saying, if you love something let it go, if it comes back it's yours forever, if not it was never yours to begin with.

I've been in a similar situation when I was younger. A friend told me that he had feelings for my gf. Being cocky I said he was fine to tell her. A few weeks later I found she didn't know what she was going to do about it. I told her to go with him if she had to, played the whole 'your happyness is important to me' card. I stayed freinds with my mate too until he came to me less than a year later and told me it wasn't working and he was going to break it off. I beat him senseless for putting me through that and then putting her through it but in the end she came back to me and we had a great next few years.

[ballaholic]

I don't think I could ever do that. I couldn't live knowing she was getting intimate with someone else. Would it be wrong for me to tell her to stop seeing him? subtly? directly? It's driving me nuts. I havn't slept yet.

[garentee]

I agree with silicon toad2000. Let it go. Just say yes to what your universe is sending you.If it is meant to be that you two will be together, it will happen. If not.. there are a lot of other women out there for you. `The reality is that you do not own her and hard as it is just let it be. Perhaps she will get something from the other guy that may make it better for you two down the line. I have not always been good at this myself, but I know that it is the right thing. I wish you the best of luck... You are going to be ok.....

[bluemoon]

You can tell her to stop seeing him, but I don't think she'll do it. I think the real cheating here is going on with her disclosure of the personal relationship issues of you two to this other guy, and letting him tell her to break up with you. And from what you've said, she doesn't seem very inclined to stop it.

Additionally, you mention a lot of screaming going back and forth here. I'm sure you're pretty insecure given the long distance and her actions, and it seems to be making you really stressed and unhappy. It's hard to see it in these circumstances, but it might be a huge relief to just let this girl go. From the female perspective, it really doesn't look like she's trying to make it work. A lot of what you're saying about her stands out as red flags to me.

[Chris Cade]

Originally Posted by ballaholic

I don't think I could ever do that. I couldn't live knowing she was getting intimate with someone else. Would it be wrong for me to tell her to stop seeing him? subtly? directly? It's driving me nuts. I havn't slept yet.

Wrong? Not at all.

You'd probably learn a lot from the experience. And you'll probably learn that ultimatums don't work, and you'll only create more distance instead of intimacy with her.

Trying to control other people, especially to make ourselves feel less insecure, is almost always a failing proposition.

[ns123]

My advice, let her go.

You can tell her that it looks as if she needs to make a decision, either you or the other guy. Until then, no contact.

Or, you can make the decision for her, meaning, you decide it will not be you. (which is really a decision for you, not her).

Either way, her dishonesty is telling you something. And she does feel guilty for it, which is why she's putting it on you to stop her relationship with the other guy - which of course, she won't even if you tell her not to see him.

Good luck. I hope you find the strength to break up with her, because you could hold higher standards for yourself and those you love.

[ballaholic]

She is treating me now like how I treated her when I was mad. She is with him right now, talking about it and about US. She lied to me about staying back to do her lab report. She staed back so she could wait for him and its killing me. I'm going crazy i have midterms i havn't slept, and im restless. I'm trying to be as calm as possible but what she's doing now isn't helping.

[Hot Alpha Female]

Originally Posted by ballaholic

I don't think I could ever do that. I couldn't live knowing she was getting intimate with someone else. Would it be wrong for me to tell her to stop seeing him? subtly? directly? It's driving me nuts. I havn't slept yet.

Ballaholic

I feel for you. I know everyone is saying to let her go.

This is what you have to do.

But none of them said how freaken hard that is!

I know coz I have been there myself.

The only way in which you can get over this, is if you accept she is going to be with this other guy.

Have u noticed the more you hold on tight, the more she wants to be free.

Treat this like a break up. Don't contact her for a month. Go out and do things without her.

Then in a month, one the pain has kind of dulled a bit, you can choose to contact her again.

Everything happens for a reason and maybe this experience is meant to teach you something about a relationship you have down the track.

Im sorry, but all the best.

[Daffy Duck]

My friend, if you two agreed to be exclusive to each other, and if she is no longer deciding to do that, then you have two options:

1. Break up with her and find another person who actually does want to be exclusive. (This would be my personal choice)

2. Begin an open relationship with her, if she agrees. You are free to fool around with others now too, if you want.

Either way, I wish you the best, and I hope you learn from the relationship!

[ballaholic]

She says she's confused right now and she needs time to think it out. She's only known this guy for about a month, and it hurts to know that she has to think about it.

[Eisho]

Originally Posted by ballaholic

I don't think I could ever do that. I couldn't live knowing she was getting intimate with someone else. Would it be wrong for me to tell her to stop seeing him? subtly? directly? It's driving me nuts. I havn't slept yet.

If it is driving you nuts then confront her. Look after yourself and your own health. Just be prepared for the fact that if you confront her you may not get the reaction you want.

Eisho