Is this cheating?

[ballaholic]

My girlfriend of about 2 years had to move to the westcoast because her dad got a job there last summer. So far, it's been a 4 month long distance relationship.

Lately, I've been acting like an ****** to my girlfriend because she's been spending alot of time with one of her close guy friend and i voiced my displeasure to her. We got into a big fight last thursday and I said things I shouldn't have said. Basically, she thought we had broken up because I did not call her and wished her luck on her exam and because of the things i said. She went out with her friends including this guy for dinner after her exam, and when this guy dropped her off, they pecked each other on the lips. I don't know who went in for it, but by the way she was saying she doesn't know, I think it was her. She told me this today, and I was upset, and I didn't know what to say and yelled at her, and we both broke down and had a ball. She also told me she had feelings for him, which i suspected. I was insecure about her spending alot of time with this guy because when we were physically together (1.5 hours apart), she would continue relationships with guys that are obviously hitting on her with the intent of getting in a relationship with her.

She said she would cut ties with this fellow, but I have my doubts because she said she would sort it out with him tomorrow. Mind you, this guy told her to break up with me, and that she deserved better after she confided in him about our problems.

I can't stop thinking about it, and I don't know what to do. She told me she had feelings for him because he makes her feel special but she also told me she loves me, and only likes him.

[silicon toad2000]

its the old saying, if you love something let it go, if it comes back it's yours forever, if not it was never yours to begin with.

I've been in a similar situation when I was younger. A friend told me that he had feelings for my gf. Being cocky I said he was fine to tell her. A few weeks later I found she didn't know what she was going to do about it. I told her to go with him if she had to, played the whole 'your happyness is important to me' card. I stayed freinds with my mate too until he came to me less than a year later and told me it wasn't working and he was going to break it off. I beat him senseless for putting me through that and then putting her through it but in the end she came back to me and we had a great next few years.

[ballaholic]

I don't think I could ever do that. I couldn't live knowing she was getting intimate with someone else. Would it be wrong for me to tell her to stop seeing him? subtly? directly? It's driving me nuts. I havn't slept yet.

[garentee]

I agree with silicon toad2000. Let it go. Just say yes to what your universe is sending you.If it is meant to be that you two will be together, it will happen. If not.. there are a lot of other women out there for you. `The reality is that you do not own her and hard as it is just let it be. Perhaps she will get something from the other guy that may make it better for you two down the line. I have not always been good at this myself, but I know that it is the right thing. I wish you the best of luck... You are going to be ok.....

[bluemoon]

You can tell her to stop seeing him, but I don't think she'll do it. I think the real cheating here is going on with her disclosure of the personal relationship issues of you two to this other guy, and letting him tell her to break up with you. And from what you've said, she doesn't seem very inclined to stop it.

Additionally, you mention a lot of screaming going back and forth here. I'm sure you're pretty insecure given the long distance and her actions, and it seems to be making you really stressed and unhappy. It's hard to see it in these circumstances, but it might be a huge relief to just let this girl go. From the female perspective, it really doesn't look like she's trying to make it work. A lot of what you're saying about her stands out as red flags to me.

[Chris Cade]

Originally Posted by ballaholic

I don't think I could ever do that. I couldn't live knowing she was getting intimate with someone else. Would it be wrong for me to tell her to stop seeing him? subtly? directly? It's driving me nuts. I havn't slept yet.

Wrong? Not at all.

You'd probably learn a lot from the experience. And you'll probably learn that ultimatums don't work, and you'll only create more distance instead of intimacy with her.

Trying to control other people, especially to make ourselves feel less insecure, is almost always a failing proposition.

[ns123]

My advice, let her go.

You can tell her that it looks as if she needs to make a decision, either you or the other guy. Until then, no contact.

Or, you can make the decision for her, meaning, you decide it will not be you. (which is really a decision for you, not her).

Either way, her dishonesty is telling you something. And she does feel guilty for it, which is why she's putting it on you to stop her relationship with the other guy - which of course, she won't even if you tell her not to see him.

Good luck. I hope you find the strength to break up with her, because you could hold higher standards for yourself and those you love.

[ballaholic]

She is treating me now like how I treated her when I was mad. She is with him right now, talking about it and about US. She lied to me about staying back to do her lab report. She staed back so she could wait for him and its killing me. I'm going crazy i have midterms i havn't slept, and im restless. I'm trying to be as calm as possible but what she's doing now isn't helping.

[Dan.Linehan]

Why can't you be happy, despite what she is doing?

[Liza Red]

Get rid of her she's toying around.

[Hot Alpha Female]

Originally Posted by ballaholic

I don't think I could ever do that. I couldn't live knowing she was getting intimate with someone else. Would it be wrong for me to tell her to stop seeing him? subtly? directly? It's driving me nuts. I havn't slept yet.

Ballaholic

I feel for you. I know everyone is saying to let her go.

This is what you have to do.

But none of them said how freaken hard that is!

I know coz I have been there myself.

The only way in which you can get over this, is if you accept she is going to be with this other guy.

Have u noticed the more you hold on tight, the more she wants to be free.

Treat this like a break up. Don't contact her for a month. Go out and do things without her.

Then in a month, one the pain has kind of dulled a bit, you can choose to contact her again.

Everything happens for a reason and maybe this experience is meant to teach you something about a relationship you have down the track.

Im sorry, but all the best.

[Daffy Duck]

My friend, if you two agreed to be exclusive to each other, and if she is no longer deciding to do that, then you have two options:

1. Break up with her and find another person who actually does want to be exclusive. (This would be my personal choice)

2. Begin an open relationship with her, if she agrees. You are free to fool around with others now too, if you want.

Either way, I wish you the best, and I hope you learn from the relationship!

[ballaholic]

She says she's confused right now and she needs time to think it out. She's only known this guy for about a month, and it hurts to know that she has to think about it.

[silicon toad2000]

Alpha's right it hurts like hell.

Going back to your original question, there are only two things you can do, either end it, or wait for her to make her decision.

If you're looking for a keeper, I'd suggest she isn't the one. She wouldn't be so confused right now if she was.

[Parthon]

ballaholic: You are an arse to her, treat her badly, then demand her to do as you say, then you wonder why she wants to test the water with another guy?

What's wrong with you?

Obviously the fact that she had to think about it, and the fact she's confused about what to do means she still loves you, and that you being an arse is just making it that much harder.

If you want her back, bring back the love. Stop with all the demands and rules. Stop with the games and tricks. Just let her do what she wants, but be there to support her when she needs it. She needs to know that you care about her, it's not your job to protect her.

This guy is probably giving her something you aren't. Compassion, understanding and someone who will listen.

[freddy]

Watch a few showing of Cheaters on TV, see if that won't help to get your mine set in what you’re dealing with.
I know for a fact everyone is subject to cheat. Men or women.
Given the right situation it would happen and anyone saying that’s not so is not being truthful.
Now having said that there are many people that will live happy without that situation ever coming up. But given the right girl or guy they would be all over it.
You might be better off to move on and stop being played. If you treated her wrong learn from it an move on. Good luck.

[ballaholic]

This guy is slick. He intentionally looked for a place near her (4 blocks away) and is getting ready to move there in the next week. It's halfway through the semester and he's doing this. sdkfjdkjfsj!

[Eisho]

Originally Posted by ballaholic

I don't think I could ever do that. I couldn't live knowing she was getting intimate with someone else. Would it be wrong for me to tell her to stop seeing him? subtly? directly? It's driving me nuts. I havn't slept yet.

If it is driving you nuts then confront her. Look after yourself and your own health. Just be prepared for the fact that if you confront her you may not get the reaction you want.

Eisho

[NeedMyCoffee]

Have you only been treating her like an arse while she's been in communication with this other guy? If so, it is somewhat understandable. The green monster named Jealousy can be tough.

If you treated her badly before, I understand why she is looking elsewhere.

She may be confused, but that doesn't mean she gets to dictate the relationship. The ball is in her court, and you have given it to her. Take the ball back and decide where to go from here. Your life will be less stressful if you take charge. If you want to stay with her, tell her that you don't feel comfortable with this other guy hanging around. If she respects you, she will honor your wishes (not commands!). If she is still confused, let her go. It's tough to do, but you may have to.

Respect yourself, don't let someone else run your life. A relationship is about sharing and mutual respect.

[carenkh]

How about telling her how you feel about *her*, not how you feel about this other guy? Do you care for her? Really? Tell her. Be honest and naked about your feelings for her, and that you're hurt by her actions. THEN let it go. Keep what you say to YOU and how her actions affect YOU, not what she should or shouldn't do. Calm and honest, and real.

[Daniel Becerra]

To say "Let it go and if it comes back, it's yours forever. If it doesn't, it was never meant to be yours in the first place" is to repeat one of the biggest cliches in dating.

Love and affection is something that needs to be reinforced, for some people more than others. When you don't reinforce and expect it to "come back" to you, you adopt the passive mindset rather than the active one. What if your girlfriend said 'if you loved me enough, come for me', and you also thought the same way, both of you would miss out on the opportunity of being together. Bummer. And it all started with a ridiculous mindset.

Out of most responses I agree with "NeedMyCoffee" and "ChrisCade" the most, you given the ball to her automatically be trying to control the whole thing. The words "you were an arse" were already written all over, so there shall be no need to repeat that. Trying to control the relationship only drive her away from you. Whinning and complaining and not sleeping will do you more bad than good. Assume the responsability for your mistakes and begin to do something about them.

Another thing, whoever this guy is, he is not doing this to hurt you. He doesn't even know you! While he is trying to actually get closer to her by being active, you're trying to get her back by complaining. Who do you think will get the girl at the end of it? The guy with self-dominance who goes after what he wants or the dude waiting for it to happen?

[Brutha]

Why do you feel the need to judge her?

Decide for yourself whether you want to be with her, or rather be alone and seek another partner.

[Angela]

I wouldn't use the word "cheating," but she is behaving in a way that says loud and clear that she's not your partner in a loving, long-term, mutually beneficial relationship (LLTMBR). The behavior I'm talking about is that she discusses your relationship challenges with a guy she's known for a month who is openly courting her.

In other words, she exposes your vulnerability to a predator. (or maybe I should say "rival." )

That's not what LLTMBR partners do to each other. She's just not available for an LLTMBR. That doesn't make her wrong, and it doesn't make it cheating; it is simply feedback for you. You get to choose whether or not you want to work at being in a relationship with someone who is not available. There is a lot of growth available to you in going through that pain! It's not the avenue for growth that I would choose (I prefer to feel good), but it could be valuable for you to plug on, thinking she's your partner.

Or, you could generously let her go with love, and free her and yourself to find a relationship that will work well for each of you. You could let go of thinking that this is a partnership you're in, and just have fun with her when she's around, and immediately start dating other women, at least three of them.

The interesting thing, I think, will be that just letting her know that you are generously granting her and yourself the freedom of not thinking of it as an LLTMBR, that you are no longer held by the bounds of monogamy despite your tremendous love for her, will give her the opportunity to have a growth experience of her own; it's not just for you.

So, how generous are you willing to be in this relationship?

[Dan.Linehan]

Great way to put it Angela.

[Bliss Sage]

Originally Posted by ballaholic

This guy is slick. He intentionally looked for a place near her (4 blocks away) and is getting ready to move there in the next week. It's halfway through the semester and he's doing this. sdkfjdkjfsj!

Do you think you would be able to let her go at this point? Break up with her? Or do you feel it is too soon for you to let go of her? If you think you could possibly bring yourself to do that, I think it would be the best thing for her and you. If you're not able to right now, ...well, I know it hurts. The same thing happened to me with the love of my life. In my situation, the pain and suffering just continues until...until I will let go?

[ballaholic]

[QUOTE=Angela;257115]I wouldn't use the word "cheating," but she is behaving in a way that says loud and clear that she's not your partner in a loving, long-term, mutually beneficial relationship (LLTMBR). The behavior I'm talking about is that she discusses your relationship challenges with a guy she's known for a month who is openly courting her.
[QUOTE]

On the day of the fight when I said things I shouldn't have said, I repeatedly, in anger told her to go confide in him about our relationship, and she did that night. I didn't mean it. But I didn't call her back after we hung up and the onus is on me. She told me she cried, and that he called her and she told him.

I think I'm a little bit better now. I slept for three hours last night and I have been thinking it through and my friends have given me their thoughts. They were all similar to all of your responses and I'd like to thank you guys for responding to my thread.

I spoke with her yesterday and today, calmly, and I couldn't help but ask her about us in the end of our conversations, even though I don't want to pressure her. I just want closure. She says she wants to talk it out with her friends and to talk it out with this guy because she says she doesn't want to lose him as a friend either. Which breaks my heart. When I asked her questions about this dilemma, she seemed to not want to answer and would be like "ugh, one sec, what did you say?" alot. When I told her I wanted us to be exclusive, if we get back together, and she asked me if we really needed the boyfriend, girlfriend label. Again, I was hurt by this. She said she likes it the way it is now, when I'm talking to her calmly and she says she wants to have fun. But she reassures me that she loves me and that she'll come back to me, she just needs time. She asked me to give her until friday. I know how she is and this is just going to be a long game of procrastination if she is undecided.

So, I've decided that I'll give her until sunday. I don't want to be with someone who is not willing to commit, and I do not want to convince someone at this point to be with me. I'm going to have something written, and ready to tell her. She's either with me exclusively or she's not and she's single and she can have her fun and we will still be friends for however long I can take it for. I love her and our relationship is complicated because we are from two different backgrounds and we've gone through so many obstacles that I don't think anyone would want to be in for a long time -- except for me. She has so many restrictions put on her because she is indian and I've put up with that for almost 2 years. I put up with my parents constant bickering about me being with her (I'm vietnamese). I put up with her not being able to sleep over at my place because she has to be home. I put up with her having to lie to her parents to have to come and see me. I put up with not seeing her because she is not allowed to go out. My friends thought I was insane, but I was and am in love. I came back every weekend from my university to see her when she was alone in a competitive university where she had no real friends to get her through the tough times. She moves there, and she made some friends who are good to her and she is enjoying it which is good. But they don't know us and yet their advice has so much influence on her because I think she wants to conform to her social surroundings. But I was there for her through those tough times, and for her to not even consider that hurts. Perhaps I shall remind her when I tell her this weekend.

I don't see anyone going through what I did just to keep a relationship with her and I believe that noone can love her like I do. In my eyes, I know that she just has feelings of lust because he is courting her. She tells me he makes her feel the way I use to and that she constantly calls him by my name before the fight. I don't want her to get hurt. But it's her choice and i realize that.

I've been foolishly and perhaps seriously thinking about going there for transfer credits next semester or the in summer to save our relationship. Why? because on that night when she told me of her infidelity, she said she missed me and that she wanted to see me. She cried and I know she still wants to be with me, but I'm not able to be there for her. But I want to see what she says this weekend and perhaps I can make my decision based on that.

I'm sorry for the incoherent and contradictive thoughts but I wanted you guys to know some details.

Thank you for putting forth your two cents I greatly appreciate it!

[viscapes]

Hi Ballaholic

I feel for you mate, it's not a nice situation to be in at all.

It sounds to me like you two don't have a future together and I suspect you both know that but niether of you is willing to come out and say it. It takes a lot of guts to finish a relationship with someone. It's so easy to let things drag on and on, becoming more complicated, more confusing, and more hurtful when it finally finishes.

My advise would be to break up with her immediately and break all ties with her, at least for a while. She'll look back on your relationship with fondness and appreciation that you didn't allow things to deteriorate too far before ending the relationship. She'll respect you for it and what's more important is that you'll respect yourself and go into your next relationship feeling bigger, better and stronger for it.

Cheers
Paul

[ballaholic]

lol. im an idiot. i flew down to try to fix things with her. and i basically flew down for her to confess to other lies and to basically tell me she wants to try with him. ah, stupid me. wasted 600 because she wasnt being straight with me. LOL.

[Dan.Linehan]

Totally worth it. Now you know where you stand - and you have a clear conscious about everything and can move on.

Sorry you two broke up though.

[metamorph]

Originally Posted by ballaholic

lol. im an idiot. i flew down to try to fix things with her. and i basically flew down for her to confess to other lies and to basically tell me she wants to try with him. ah, stupid me. wasted 600 because she wasnt being straight with me. LOL.

I have done similar things when I was blind with love and hope, and really deeply feel and understand your move to fly there.

Awesome! The best 600$ you probably have spent in years. Just imagine how much time, pain and hassle you have saved yourself.

We all have told you this is not working out from your descriptions (e.g. if she was really committed to make this long-distance relationship work, she would have understood your pain and made it cristal clear to the other guy that she cannot have contact with him because this jeopardizes her relationship to you; etc). It is just so freaking difficult to see when you are involved yourself.

Full closure will need some more time I guess, but the long distance is your best friend in this respect.