Who is right?

[Dev]

My wife & I have a disagreement. She wants a 2nd child (my first child is 8 years old) & I don't want anymore. My view is that since I am the only earning member(age 35) in the family my income is just about sufficient to take care of her,my son,my mother, my dependent sister & her daughter(both are staying with us). I want to save enough for their higher education & marriage. Higher education & Marriage are two major expenses & eat up most of our savings in our society.
My wife's (and most of the elders) view is that one must always have a second child. They say parents can only give birth to a child, his/her destiny is in the hands of God. I differ on this.
We always have a small fight on this & end up sulking. I'm not able to convince her because I am not sure if she(and all our elders) are right after all. Majority of my colleagues & friends have opted for only 1 child because they are not sure if they can take proper care of the 2nd one. Those have more than 1 kid are either rich, believe in the destiny theory or accidentally(un-planned is the right word) conceived.
I want to treat my niece(she is 13) as my own daughter(her father does not stay with us), but my wife does not really like my sister & niece (there are no major fights on any issue). I am afraid to ask my wife to treat my niece as our daughter & stop having this idea of a second child. Should I tell her this? Our marriage has been OK so far but I find that we are not on the same wave-length.
I want to resolve this issue once & for all.
Friends, I need your guidance.

[TonyToneTone]

Is it just the money issue or do you not want a 2nd child at all?

I would put in your head first the image of your ideal life. See things perfectly. First get straightened out as to what you want and proceed lovingly from there. Your intentions are admirable (trying to provide for your family and for your niece) and I am sure things will work out fine.

[Dev]

It is just the financial aspect. You know inflation & how savings dwindle with time. What if I am not able to provide quality education and lifestyle to the second one. And because of the 2nd one other resources may also become scarce for the 1st one and my niece. We wouldn't have had this issue if I was super rich.
I will work out on your suggestion, but it still does not answer Who is Right?

BTW, visited your blog & liked the idea of audio recording for positive affirmations.

[justin]

There are no guarantees in life, including financial. You can't guarantee financial security for your first child, let alone the second.

If not wanting another child is purely a financial decision, know that no amount of money is going to give you the security blanket you want.

Even if you were "super rich," you'd have some other financial drama to polarize you and your wife. Changing the amount of money doesn't fix the problem, changing your perception does.

This is not a matter of placing blame or claiming someone is right or wrong. This is about coming to a loving agreement with your wife.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by Dev

... parents can only give birth to a child, his/her destiny is in the hands of God. I differ on this.

Me, too, if it means you are supposed to mindlessly pop out babies and trust god to keep 'em fed. It's an astonishingly irresponsible and manipulative thing to tell someone.

On the other hand, you appear to have made a unilateral decision yourself about where your money goes: you are supporting your mom, sister, and niece, whom your wife doesn't enjoy living with. I can see where your wife might feel some resentment about this, and her family would back her up. She wants to feel like the queen in her home, and instead, her preferences are subjugated to yours. Wanting another baby might just be an expression of her lack of power here.

You might want to look at the issue of power and partnership in your marriage.

[AlexG]

From what I read, you just don't want a second child. Period. It has nothing to do with finances, the times in our economy or your family. You just don't want another kid.

There is nothing wrong with that. Its just in your circumstances you have a conflict of interest with someone you love and live with. That is going to be a hard road to take.

All I can tell you that the pain will be greater if you act according to what others want. You will resent yourself, your wife and the new kid if you do what you truly do not want to.

Act from your heart and act what it is telling you. But don't lie to yourself or others. Life spent with the consequences of your own actions is far more powerful and rewarding then the life spent pleasing others.

[Dev]

I agree with justin, but why knowingly put your financials under pressure. I liked his idea of "loving agreement with my wife". I would like to explore this angle too. Angela is also right. Perhaps I am making an unilateral decision. Yes she resents my family members to some extent, but that is for some other issue. My wife likes to keep the house clean & tidy & she feels that my mother & sister do not put in the necessary efforts even after bringing it to their notice time & again. I agree with my wife on this issue. My mother feels that my wife overdoes the cleanliness part & my sister really fails to understand the hygiene factor( her health has recently become stable after she had severe problems managing schizophrenia).
I am not very sure if wanting another baby is an expression of my wifes lack of power as Angela pointed out.
As Alex pointed out I don't want a second child, but now I feel that dwindling finance was really on the back of my mind.
After reading all your feedback, I think I would be able to take a decision if I understand the areas of Love(connectedness & loving agreement with spouse) and Truth(see if I am in denial of something from my career/Finance point of view).
Am I right?

[Akashic_Librarian]

It sounds to me like you need to let go of the other people in your life. Your trying to support too many people and that's not good. You need to draw a line and say you support your wife, you support your 1st child and you can't afford to support anyone else.

[ns123]

The best way to ruin a marriage is to make your wife (or husband) feel as if she's (or he's) 2nd to others.

I am with Angela here. She feels powerless in her home life (she can't get your mom & sister to clean things as neat as she likes it), she doesn't feel like she's queen of her own castle. It sounds to me as if she's tired of having more than just you and your child in the house.

I dunno if she really feels this way. But if this happened to me, I would feel this way. I wouldn't ask for a 2nd child, but her asking for a 2nd child may be a "test" to see if you put her first or your family first. She got her answer.

Decide who has priority in your life. Yes, we should have compassion to help others in our life, but not at the detriment of our own livelihoods. If your mom & sister are hitting some hard times, of course, let them stay in your home, but have a date set on when they should stand on their own. Indefinitely is a long time.

What kind of marriage or relationship are you willing to generate with your wife (and child)? Ask her the same question. See if it's the same vision you both have and will commit to. If it is not the same vision, maybe it's time to part ways so you both can turn towards the life you want.

[Dev]

Thanks for your advice Akashic and ns123.
As Akashic suggested I am not sure if I can let go off "my mother, sister & niece" off my life. My mother(recently widowed) is completely dependent on me. I think I should push my sister to make herself financially independent. My niece is still going to school. I think I should make one more attempt to reunite the sister with her estranged husband. I have sent my mother & sister on a vacation to my other sisters house & things at home now look a little easy(the sulking & disagreements with my wife have come down). We are also arranging a get-together for our friends in our house.(which we wouldn't do with them around- as alcohol would be serverd in the party)
I always try my best to take care of my wife & to be frank it also borders around appeasing her.
I think with these 2 replies I have got some more clarity. I believe I was in denial mode all the time - Denying that everything would go well & not blow out of proportion, that I can handle my wife anytime, expecting that she would consider my niece as her daughter & liking her more and not insisting on a 2nd child. I will definetly do a rethink on this. Thanks for all the help friends.