When being friends with Desperate (cheating) Housewives drains you

[C33]

Hi everyone,

I am new to this forum and appreciate the great information available.

I stumbled onto this site by looking for advice/information/enlightnement about friendships, especially about friendships that do not work anymore and feel empowering.

Let me tell you a bit about where I am at now, so that you can evaluate the situation better:

I have lost my dad about 7 months ago and have relocated to my childhood home( left America to come to Europe and take care of him), am single, midlle aged .I have a lot of time on my hand which I love, and I am not working which I love even better, I am a creative,non conformist/highly individualistic/feminist person who is now surrounded by the cast of Desperate Housewives minus the fashion and the hot climate and the totally cool single Eddie Briggs.

I find myself with no parents or family warmth of any kind, which I have come to accept, but I can t extend any more energy to the marital problems of my friends or anything that is not a life or death situation. I need time and energy to grieve. Through my father's illness and passing, my friends have been there for me and showed compassion and warmth of a great magnitude.Yet 2 days after his passing one of them called me to tell me about her sexual encounter with some random guy in great details. I am not a prude but this irked me, she even appologized about her crudeness at such a time of my life.

I have told my cheating friends that I need to be alone right now but the truth is: I CAN T be around them and listen to their stories of extra marital affairs.None of them accepts the outcome of such an attitude:divorce, financial strain, leaving the comfort of their house and having to re enter the work force. It seems that they want to have it all:great family, lover, financial comfort and the opportunity to constantly whine about their husbands.

They know that I am ethically against infidelity in a relationship and I have told them many time that, as a single person, I would never want to be involved with someone who is married, even if that person would be without children. I realize that this is a very personal opinion and that everyon.e is entitled to his own.

Yesterday, one of my gfriends came to my home to pack her Christmas present for her lover, she asked me once if she could tell her husband that she is staying with me so she could be with her lover and I said no, my other cheating gfriend used me as an alibi WITHOUT asking me. They seem to be completely oblivious of any feelings I might have towards being involved. I am a great listener and always act compassionate and empathic, but always end up feeling used as a sympathetic ear for their problems. They know I have many creative endeavors I value but never voice any interest in my art or my writing.When we meet they spend 80% of the time talking about their lovers.

I am tired of this.It has come to the point when I want to stop being friends with them. It has been untolerable at times to be around them, because they speak mostly of their lovers and/or complain about their husbands. This has been going on for years but this is the first time I am staying in my hometown for a significant period of time, therefore I never had to bear this all year round.

These women are my closest and dearest friends, they are nice, decent individuals, but I don t have the energy anymore to take on other people s problems, when these problems are self created.

Also their disloyalty towards their husband; their lying and cheating behavior make me question my judgement about them.I have thought about telling them honestly how I feel , but I am not sure they would be understanding since they always allude to the fact that, being single, I do not know the challenges of marriage.

I am very angry at them for not respecting my grieving time and my desire to be in peace and I need advice/wisdom from people outside our circle.

Thank you for reading so far.

[TheColonel]

Originally Posted by C33

Hi everyone,


These women are my closest and dearest friends, they are nice, decent individuals, but I don t have the energy anymore to take on other people s problems, when these problems are self created.

Not hardly.

Get new friends.

[impaul99]

You think your choices are:
1) Stick with your friends but be miserable.
2) Ditch your friends.

But you have a third option, and that is to get away from your friends for a period of time. Maybe you need a year off, or maybe two years off, or maybe five. There's nothing wrong with taking a break from friends. At some points in my life I've attracted some negative people to me, most likely because I'm so positive and I had to stop hanging out with them for a while until I got my life together.

Take a break from them. Get around people that will support you and feed you the kind of energy you need right now, and in a few years when you've done healing (or sooner) you can always reconcile with your friend if you want to. If at that time they don't want to talk to you anymore because you haven't spoken for a few years, then they aren't your friends.

Just my suggestion.

Ultimately if you don't consciously take the steps to slowly pull away from them and do your own thing, most likely you'll just manifest a situation where you lose it one day and get into a big screaming match with them, call them names and tell them to f-off. It's better to walk away nicely, so there's a chance of getting back into a friendship later if you want.

Don't be afraid to change friends. Chances are, they'd probably ditch you if the roles were reverse anyways.

[TheColonel]

There is a difference between 'friends' and 'people you've made part of your identity.'

True friends won't drag you into their divorce.

[C33]

Thank you Paul,

This is great advice.

[impaul99]

Originally Posted by C33

Thank you Paul,

This is great advice.

You're very welcome, I hope everything works out for you.

[Brutha]

How about telling them simply that you don't want to talk with them about their lovers?
They seem to be able to keep the relationship a secret to their husband, therefore it shouldn't be to hard for them to keep their relationships also secret from you.

[annie]

C33

Oh My.....can I relate to this!!

I have a very similar story, but it's just 1 friend rather than 2. But the story is the same. However....I went through the whole thing 2 years ago. And this "friend" of mine was such a bad influence on me...by years of talking about it, listening to it etc....my resistance and judgement wore down and I came fairly close to having my own affair before I woke up and said...WHAT THE @#$@(*#$& am I doing???

So...here's what I'm doing now. Maybe this can shed some insight as to what you could do.

I'm on round 3 with this friend. (3rd affair during our friendship) And I completely understand about how they are very close and dear friends. When she started talking about this guy and I said "I'm really sorry, but I just can't do this again. I love you, you're my best friend, but hearing about this isn't good on me spiritually and emotionally. Also, by you "confiding" in me, it takes some of the guilt and burden off of you and I don't want to carry that. I feel bad for your husband and so for me to be a good friend to you.....you'll just have to do this on your own. Let's still be friends, but I would appreciate not hearing ANYTHING about this guy. I hope you understand."

Anyways...that was about 3 months ago. I knew she was still seeing him and our friendship waned a bit. But I at least felt like I had some integrity.

I'm also at the point where I've realized that this friendship isn't in my best interest. I want to be around people that are motivated and uplifting. I want a friend that shares my enthusiasm for self-improvement (not self-degragation!) It's a hard decision. I want to be there for her (she falls apart frequently and counts on me to pick up the pieces) and so I will be....to an extent. But I'm ready to move on and find some new BEST friends. I think she'll be sad when I get a new best friend...but i can't wait!!!!

I'm sorry you're going through this...it will be lonely for awhile, but I think if you "move on" you'll never look back!

annie

[Dimitry]

Sounds more like a one way friendship because true friends would think of you first instead of them. They should also talk about your life and your "trials/tribulations" that you go through.

Also, it's ok for you to do as annie did. If they respond in a negative way...it's all about them at that point and you don't need people like that in your life.

If they really need your help at one point, show them some articles/books to read that you think would help, and also tell them to start becoming responsible for their actions instead of being little children and hiding behind some fake reality of a good life they're living in. No more bubbles for them.

[Isis Kali]

Oh, no. No, no, no.

These people are not your friends. If anything, they're getting off on adding you to the drama, and they'll use you as a pawn, sooner or later.

Another thing just popped into my head. It's almost like they want some sort of reinforcement that they're doing something "dangerous" and "sinful" by telling you about thier dirt in (sometimes gross) detail. It's not as much fun for these people if someone in thier immediate surroundings isn't *clutching thier pearls*.

You can do better. You SO can do better.

[ReallyGoodIdeas]

These people have used you. They are not your friends, I'm sorry to say. If you feel up to it, be honest with them and tell them what you think of their behaviour. Let them know you've been honest with them, and that you'll be honest with their husbands as well.

If you don't feel up to it, just don't return their calls. Make some new like minded friends. Maybe there's a local group of the steve pavlina forum in your town. Or another local group you can join while you're there. Find people who share your beliefs and values.

Basically, care for yourself first. You deserve it. You don't need to be dragged down by these people.

Love to you
Hazel

[C33]

The upcoming New Year is a wonderful time to start anew and focus on developping a life that I can be proud of and to truly help those who want positive changes in their lives.

[Cron]

Hi C33. I feel where you are coming from. I have had a few close friendships come to an end when we realized our values were going in different directions.

I'm wondering how odd it is that both of your friends are having affairs.

I'm a single middle aged guy. At many social events I go to I've found that many marry women flirt with me. My intuition is that some of them do it to feel attractive and desirable again, that somehow they do not get this from their husbands, that being married makes them feel like that aspect of them as people is over.

Why are your friends cheating? Did their husbands let themselves go physically, mentally or romantically? Are your friends simply bored with their husbands? Are they good looking women who have attracted temptation to them?

Just curious.

[Scott H Young]

C33,

Nobody can be perfect, but I would never continue to spend time with people who go against my value system. There are many people who do share your value system that would make great friends, don't stay attached to people who won't.

[jkmuller]

First of all I think it's really great that you've decided to share your story because it will help you make sense of your situation and help everyone else here with their own situations. Whether or not you are aware of it, it sounds like you already know exactly how you feel and what to do about it. I know from personal experience how difficult it can be to have friends that you really can't relate to anymore, yet they still treat you the same way. I think that you should do what is best for you, and if that means ignoring their calls or cutting off the relationship for awhile than thats the way it has to be. It's really unfortunate that you have to deal with friend problems in a time of your own personal loss, but please do what is best for you.

[Lychee]

Originally Posted by Isis Kali

Oh, no. No, no, no.

These people are not your friends. If anything, they're getting off on adding you to the drama, and they'll use you as a pawn, sooner or later.

Another thing just popped into my head. It's almost like they want some sort of reinforcement that they're doing something "dangerous" and "sinful" by telling you about thier dirt in (sometimes gross) detail. It's not as much fun for these people if someone in thier immediate surroundings isn't *clutching thier pearls*.

You can do better. You SO can do better.

Absolutely.

If this runs against the grain of your character so much, why would you associate with people who have no problem with this? There are other people in the world who have the same ethics and beliefs that you do that will help you become a better person - hang out with them.