i'm tired of it

[amixa]

ok i can't stand it anymore. i want to rip my older sister apart.
ever since i was little she's used me as her punching bag. last time i tried to show her how ridiculous she is i blew up at her, told her off and didn't speak to her for a year.

the dynamic in my house is also ridiculous. she favours my little sister and is moulding her to be like her. i've already lost any sort of influence over my little sister so i've given up trying to get her to be interested in anything i am. my older sister works for a corporation and is favoured by her coworkers/boss. she is even taking my much younger sister in to work with her meanwhile i sit at home trying to find a job because i recently had to quit mine because of the ridiculous politics in that place.

then yesterday she has the nerve to ask me to ask my boyfriend to set up a permanent system for her and her coworkers to get discounted coffee every week for the office (through his discount) and separate the coffee into 16 different bags. at first i said fine thinking ok now she owes us (as i'd have to go and pick up the coffee from the store that's out of my way). then i hear her talking about jobs available at the office and i mention hey i need one clearly and she just replies 'they'd eat you alive'. but they won't eat my little sister alive?

i'm so angry and she just doesn't see it. my parents were really stupid when we were growing up and at some point would tell her 'why can't you be more like her? (me)' and clearly has issues since. all her friends think i'm the bitch for not being friendly to her when its honestly the other way around. and she hides it well from them.

i can't move out because i'm broke so this is always in my face. i'm also taking care of my old cat. how can i ever defeat this? i've been pushed around my whole life and (don't even bother asking me to ask my parents to step in because trust me they're useless) and i want to overcome her but i'm running out of options here.

PLEASE i really need someone's help i hate her so much. i've already taken the compassionate route and really it doesn't last that long when she thinks she doesn't need to do any self improvement in her life.

[amixa]

no advice at all?

[Rosie]

Is she really bad enough to warrant your hatred? Sure, you may dislike her, but does she really deserve to be hated?

[sixx1984]

I have a similar situation but with my mother, as you can see from some of my previous threads. It's not exactly the same, but I can see where you are coming from.

I think if you are really truly unhappy and she cannot see that she is hurting you, then you really must distance yourself from her - physically. You must find a way to get some money behind you so you can take your cat and move out and get your own place. I know that can be very expensive, but maybe you can share with friends?

I think it would be a bad idea to work in the same office as your sister. I know you say you need a job, but surely there must be other work you can get. Even if it's something undesirable, like supermarket work, just to get you the cash, and then you can look around for something better.

It sounds like you've done what you can with your sister. Now you need to move on, and get a life away from her.

My situation is different in that I am looking at maybe moving back home after a few years away. I have quite a few mother issues - as in she can be quite an awful person towards me for no reason. Unfortunately, I don't have any other option - and believe me I've looked for other options. But at the end of the day, like with you, it's a money issue. It is going to be difficult to put myself back in that miserable position again, but it would only be temporarily while I get some cash behind me and then I'm getting the heck outta there again!

If you don't need to be at home/don't like being at home anymore, do all you can to find a way to leave. You may find that distancing yourself from her may improve your relationship with her? I know that when I lived at home myself and my mother really disliked each other, but when I left home, my relationship with my mother really improved and we now get along much better. Which is why I am worried about moving back home again, because we do not work well together under the same roof!

I wish you all the best, and hope it all works out for you.

[evevera]

Man I would want to move out so bad if I were you. I think you need to stop focusin on your sister/sisters and start focusing on yourself.

You need to get control of your life; find out what you want to do out of your life and start moving every aspect of your life towards it.

I know you said you're not the one being mean to your sister.. but I think you may be... you clearly have built up dislike for her so I doubt she'd be coming up to act like your best friend if you're constantly hating her.

Not saying you should start acting fake around her, but if you're "happy" and "content" with yourself, you won't care about your sister or how everyone says she's so great. Because you'll be grounded and now you're just as good! But you don't need to say it, you just know it!

Get a notepad out and figure out what you want to do with your life and start doing little bit each day toward that goal. One of them will be to get a job and move out!
GL

[amixa]

Originally Posted by Rosie

Is she really bad enough to warrant your hatred? Sure, you may dislike her, but does she really deserve to be hated?

she told me every day of my life for YEARS that i'm a freak, loser etc and its taken me so long to shake it off -- i still haven't completely either. its really hard. especially since i looked up to her. she was always verbally abusive and fought with me physically and even when she's 'being nice' she still ends up putting me down some way today.
she has always treated me very negatively and as much as i'd like to believe she doesn't understand what she's doing she puts me down to get ahead in life and i suffer the consequences when i don't want to and don't know how to shield myself from her as this has been going on for years.

[amixa]

Originally Posted by evevera

I know you said you're not the one being mean to your sister.. but I think you may be... you clearly have built up dislike for her so I doubt she'd be coming up to act like your best friend if you're constantly hating her.

Not saying you should start acting fake around her, but if you're "happy" and "content" with yourself, you won't care about your sister or how everyone says she's so great. Because you'll be grounded and now you're just as good! But you don't need to say it, you just know it!

i don't think i am being mean at all. when i start being nice to her as i mentioned above she always finds some way to put me down ALWAYS. so what's the use in being nice to her if all i'm going to get back is negative energy? i don't see how its possible to shield myself especially when my house is very small and there is little to no personal space.

i'd love to move out but really i next to no money and the money i have is being spent on things i need like acupuncture.

[ns123]

Why do you get so mad when she calls you a loser? Is it because you feel that there may be some truth to it? If you do believe you are a loser, what things can you do to change that belief?

You hate your sister, but yet you feel that she should help you find a job? Do you always hate people who you think should help you? Oh, yes, your mom. You live with her (she is helping you) and yet, she is useless too.

Sounds like you believe the cause of your problems is your sister. If that were so, why do you choose to give her so much power over your life? I guess that's easy, so that you don't have to held accountable when you don't like the results. You just blame her. Hey, I'm not judging you, it sounds like a pretty easy path, but I know that would not generate joy for me. But if you want to continue doing that, you have my permission.

Or, you could respond in a different way... up to you. It's your choice.

If your sister disappeared, never to come back again, what will be possible in your life? Will you magically have a job, lots of money, be able to move out on your own, be completely and utterly joyous?

What can you be doing now, that will move you to abundance and joy?

[amixa]

You hate your sister, but yet you feel that she should help you find a job?

I expressed I hated my sister by how she has treated me over the years .. or should I say.. I've let her treat me
The reason why I did was because for whatever reason I looked up to her (stupid me for looking up to my older sister) and took value in her opinions. Yes I gave her a lot of power and it was clear I didn't know about personal power and the ability to gain that back then. Then years go by and you have all these years of built up anger and resentment towards her for not being supportive and only being destructive and all your esteem is built up on negative affirmations from her. It wasn't until 2 or 3 years ago that I had enough and gained the courage to take a stand. And because I stand up for myself this means that I am to be unfavored and ignored and continued to be put down upon anyway.

Do you always hate people who you think should help you? Oh, yes, your mom. You live with her (she is helping you) and yet, she is useless too.

This post isn't about my mother. I never stated she was useless. My mother is a completely different topic.

I guess that's easy, so that you don't have to held accountable when you don't like the results. You just blame her. Hey, I'm not judging you, it sounds like a pretty easy path, but I know that would not generate joy for me. But if you want to continue doing that, you have my permission.

Or, you could respond in a different way... up to you. It's your choice.

Have you ever thought that if I knew how to gain personal power so easily that I would have done it? No you just assume I'm some lazy annoying girl on the internet that just wants to cry out 'poor me my life is horrible oh no!'
Yes I prefer such an easy path. Hardly. This has not been an easy path at all. Being stuck down here has made my life so much harder.

Any time I try and speak up and gain power my voice trembles, my gut grows weak and I cry easily. Meanwhile she stands her ground, her voice is strong and she maintains her presence. Yup I choose to put myself in this position because I'd rather not stand my ground. I want to be the victim. I want to be this sensitive meek person that gets trampled on for the rest of my life. Yup years of allowing her to dig my dismal lifestyle is suddenly going to change just by a simple choice within that second just like that. I'm going to gain those magical nerves that will help me stand my ground with the snap of my finger.

Why do you think I post this on here? Not to just bitch about my circumstances -- I'm tired of this lifestyle and I've wanted change and I've seeked help in all sorts of places on how to overcome this and clearly not much has helped. I do appreciate genuine advice minus the snarkiness.

If your sister disappeared, never to come back again, what will be possible in your life? Will you magically have a job, lots of money, be able to move out on your own, be completely and utterly joyous?

no I would not have a job, lots of money, be able to move out on my own and be completely and utterly joyous (but definitely way more joyous).

I never said that would make anything like that happen. You clearly are missing the point. She constantly expects me to pull favours for her when she does not even bother to drop my name anywhere for anything in return. Then when I finally refuse a request she accuses me of not knowing how to be nice to someone and just do a favour for someone without expecting something in return when I already do that for the most part!

The job thing was just an example. I don't expect her to necessarily get me a job.

And for reference I did move out for 3 years and I was much happier without having to see her and hear her insults all the time.

What can you be doing now, that will move you to abundance and joy?

I'd love to know how to absolutely ignore her laughter every time I attempt to stick up for myself. Her insults and reactions to my interests and how they are 'freakish' and 'strange'. How else do I move myself to abundance and joy when I'm constantly being reminded in front of my face of how I'm the black sheep of siblings?

I'm aware I gave my power away long ago. How do I get this 'pain body' that makes me tremble and cry to shut up so I can gain my power back?

[Angela]

Originally Posted by amixa

How do I get this 'pain body' that makes me tremble and cry to shut up so I can gain my power back?

Amixa, you can't get power "back," sorry about that! The past is in the past, where it belongs. But you can generate brand new power for yourself.

Here's one very effective way to develop personal power: surrender.

By that I don't mean "give up." I don't mean roll over on your back and urinate like a submissive dog. What I do mean is: let go of all of that resistance. Oh, boy, reading your reaction to nls123, not to mention what's going on with your sister, your resistance was palpable! I felt like I could feel the tenseness in you, and I think you might feel exhausted and sore from tensing up in defense of all the pain you feel.

I would like to suggest that you take a class in ju jitsu, the art of softness, because I think it would help you to let go of the resistance you've been holding in your mind and body for many years. I think you could benefit from learning how to be a willow and give up being an oak. Wouldn't it feel great to relax and let all this pain just pass right through you, without it having such an impact on you? Wouldn't it be wonderful to be able to accept what people say without it landing like a blow, and requiring you to blow back?

A meditative yoga class, too, I think would be helpful to you in growing spiritual (and physical) power -- again by helping you to be more supple in your responses to what you perceive as threat, danger, or harm.

Best wishes to you in this.

[ns123]

I am sorry that you detected snarkiness in my tone. I can certainly understand why you would perceive that. Please believe me that I did not intend to be snarky.

Yup I choose to put myself in this position because I'd rather not stand my ground. I want to be the victim. I want to be this sensitive meek person that gets trampled on for the rest of my life. Yup years of allowing her to dig my dismal lifestyle is suddenly going to change just by a simple choice within that second just like that. I'm going to gain those magical nerves that will help me stand my ground with the snap of my finger.

Is there some truth in this? The reason why I ask this is because many things that set me off (like what happened here for you), is because a small part of me believed it to be true (even if it's not true).

I'm tired of this lifestyle and I've wanted change and I've seeked help in all sorts of places on how to overcome this and clearly not much has helped.

The answer is in you. I don't believe anyone out there will say, hey, do this, and magically you will overcome this. (man, I wish this for my own life!) And even if they did, how would you know it would work? What kind of answer are you looking for?

Your sister expects things from you. You have decided to not provide those things. What follows is the results - she disfavors you. She lectures you. She tells you off. So what? Accept those results. You can't change her. You can change you. Not overnight. It takes time and effort. Instead of hating her response, you could accept her response. Say, that's ok. I understand you are upset that I don't want to do that, and I'm sorry for that. But I will not do that. And stick to your guns. She attempt to make you feel bad, but sorry, feeling bad is all up to you.

Then when I finally refuse a request she accuses me of not knowing how to be nice to someone and just do a favour for someone without expecting something in return when I already do that for the most part!

Is this true? You do her favors and don't expect anything in return? You mean, like you don't expect her to do favors for you too?

I'd love to know how to absolutely ignore her laughter every time I attempt to stick up for myself.

You can do this. Just choose to. It's not easy, it'll be hard as hell. But you can do this by simply choosing to.

How else do I move myself to abundance and joy when I'm constantly being reminded in front of my face of how I'm the black sheep of siblings?

Do you believe you are the black sheep? Maybe it bothers you because a small part of you believes this is true, but you are trying so hard to prove this is not true, so that you can hide the fact that it really is. I've been there, I have some really powerful limiting beliefs myself!

I'm just saying that it sounds like much of your suffering doesn't come from your sister, it comes from you. And you allow her to activate you and it just seems like it's coming from her. Sorry, it's all you.

The advice I have may sound simple, easy, or maybe you might even think stupid. (Angela - bubbles!) But it is this:

Accept your sister for who she is. Accept her reaction to the changes in your relationship with her (not doing her favors, not cowering to her demands). Accept that she views you a certain way, but know that it is not true. Start working on getting a job (is there any way you can put more effort into this job?), moving out, and generating the life you want.

One more thing, find out what it is that you want. We know what you don't want, but knowing what you don't want will not bring you what you do want. If you tell me you don't want a martini, I still don't know what you want. Do you want a cheesecake? Do you want a coke? Do you want a handbag? What? I just know you don't want a martini, but that doesn't help me help you get what you want.

Find out what you want and turn towards that.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by ns123

bubbles!

Good catch!

[funchy]

Stop making everything her fault, your parents fault, everyone else's fault. Stop worrying about who did what. You can't control them. The moment you realize that is the moment you take the first step towards real happiness. You CAN control you.

[TonyToneTone]

Hello amixa,

As crazy as this might sound, are there any good boxing or kickboxing gyms in your area? Here is why I suggest this:
1) When you start training, it will let out SO much of this tension you have. You will feel great.
2) It will teach you how to whip some ass and you will feel confident knowing that you can.
3) When you know you can whip some butt it will allow you to express yourself better. People should not be able to put you down. You will be more likely to stand up for yourself and also people will think twice knowing that they might have a fight on their hands.


Aside from the boxing or kickboxing, I would start calling some employment agencies immediately to get a job. Google "employment agency (insert your city name)" and type in the name of your city. Go get a job. Go on craigslist classifieds: jobs, housing, personals, for sale, services, community, events, forums and find you a roommate and a place. No need to be there if you don't have to.

Lastly, start reading some books on Self-Confidence and Self-Esteem. If you go to Barnes & Noble, there are workbooks in their Self-Improvement section that deal with just this. I think one is actually called "The Self-Esteem Workbook." The more self-esteem you have the less likely anyone can throw you off the handle and the more you are to go about getting what you want.

I hope some of this helps.

[amixa]

Originally Posted by Angela

Amixa, you can't get power "back," sorry about that! The past is in the past, where it belongs. But you can generate brand new power for yourself.

Here's one very effective way to develop personal power: surrender.

By that I don't mean "give up." I don't mean roll over on your back and urinate like a submissive dog. What I do mean is: let go of all of that resistance. Oh, boy, reading your reaction to nls123, not to mention what's going on with your sister, your resistance was palpable! I felt like I could feel the tenseness in you, and I think you might feel exhausted and sore from tensing up in defense of all the pain you feel.

I would like to suggest that you take a class in ju jitsu, the art of softness, because I think it would help you to let go of the resistance you've been holding in your mind and body for many years. I think you could benefit from learning how to be a willow and give up being an oak. Wouldn't it feel great to relax and let all this pain just pass right through you, without it having such an impact on you? Wouldn't it be wonderful to be able to accept what people say without it landing like a blow, and requiring you to blow back?

A meditative yoga class, too, I think would be helpful to you in growing spiritual (and physical) power -- again by helping you to be more supple in your responses to what you perceive as threat, danger, or harm.

Best wishes to you in this.

i'm not quite sure i understand how to be soft and not submissive like the dog who lies on his back and pees.. if i just stand there and let her say what she wants.. and not say anything back.. doesn't that just continue to feed her mind that she has power over me?
how can i stand there and just let her words pass through me without making myself feel like an airhead?

i will definitely look into those classes and i try and make meditation chants at the local buddhist temple ..

[amixa]

I am sorry that you detected snarkiness in my tone. I can certainly understand why you would perceive that. Please believe me that I did not intend to be snarky.

ok. thanks.

Is there some truth in this? The reason why I ask this is because many things that set me off (like what happened here for you), is because a small part of me believed it to be true (even if it's not true).

actually no. there is no truth in me wanting to be the victim. i've honestly always wanted to be able to overcome this issue and no matter how hard i try and keep calm what i mentioned about the shaky voice and so on always happens.
i got set off because of my frustration of how long this has gone on and the fact that you suggest that i'd want to be in this situation put me over the edge because its far from true.

Is this true? You do her favors and don't expect anything in return? You mean, like you don't expect her to do favors for you too?

ok true for the most part i meant that its not like 'oh hey i'm doing this favour for you SO NOW you have to do this for me'. i rarely ever do that unless i'm really going out of my way for her and when i've asked her for help in the past that did request that of her she requested actual payment (seriously). which is why i wanted that immediate promise of whats in it for us.

in general yes i would expect her to do favors for me in the future in general.. as you would think this is a normal thing for siblings to do for each other.

Do you believe you are the black sheep? Maybe it bothers you because a small part of you believes this is true, but you are trying so hard to prove this is not true, so that you can hide the fact that it really is. I've been there, I have some really powerful limiting beliefs myself!

i felt like i became the black sheep when my older sister started getting my younger sister to make fun of me in public back when i didn't know how to deal with those situations at all. since then i felt like it was a 2 against 1 deal. and i felt especially stupid that i didn't know how to get my younger sister to stop. it also doesn't help that they look alike.. and i'm the sore thumb. they're also both into business and i'm the artist. an artist needs to be a business man but can be so in a creative way -- but is a quiet sensitive person in the long run. they're more the hardcore business attitudes (more my older sister than my younger).

I'm just saying that it sounds like much of your suffering doesn't come from your sister, it comes from you. And you allow her to activate you and it just seems like it's coming from her. Sorry, it's all you.

The advice I have may sound simple, easy, or maybe you might even think stupid. (Angela - bubbles!) But it is this:

the advice doesn't sound stupid..or easy... i understand what i need to do kind of now but its still really tough.

Find out what you want and turn towards that.

i'll write that one down thanks.

[amixa]

Originally Posted by funchy

Stop making everything her fault, your parents fault, everyone else's fault. Stop worrying about who did what. You can't control them. The moment you realize that is the moment you take the first step towards real happiness. You CAN control you.

i understood that part the problem i had was more with my pain body that is so strong that i really could not get it not to react.

[amixa]

Originally Posted by TonyToneTone

Hello amixa,

As crazy as this might sound, are there any good boxing or kickboxing gyms in your area?

mmm yes i've always wanted to try kickboxing!! i'll look into that and my schedule

self esteem i've already been working on.. very slow process.

[TonyToneTone]

Originally Posted by amixa

mmm yes i've always wanted to try kickboxing!! i'll look into that and my schedule

self esteem i've already been working on.. very slow process.

Awesome. It will REALLY speed up the whole process. If you are in Cali, send me a message and I might be able to refer a good gym to you.

[Revolution]

the more you focus negatively on her - the more you will crystalize it into your reality.

there are certain "letting go" techniques and I suggest you try them each time she pushes your buttons.

part of the problem is that she knows she irritates you - and this delights her. Don't give her that!

Childish games - like being extra nice to your little sis to make you jealous - an old tactic. You gotta laugh such things off.

And don't think she owes anything to ya - if she doesn't help you find work or whateva - thats her perogative. Just release the resentment. You've let it build up - time to let go.

Once you become acquainted with the Devils tricks - you find he doesn't have so much power over you.

[amixa]

Originally Posted by Revolution

the more you focus negatively on her - the more you will crystalize it into your reality.

there are certain "letting go" techniques and I suggest you try them each time she pushes your buttons.

part of the problem is that she knows she irritates you - and this delights her. Don't give her that!

Childish games - like being extra nice to your little sis to make you jealous - an old tactic. You gotta laugh such things off.

And don't think she owes anything to ya - if she doesn't help you find work or whateva - thats her perogative. Just release the resentment. You've let it build up - time to let go.

Once you become acquainted with the Devils tricks - you find he doesn't have so much power over you.

thanks revolution