Is viewing porn while in a relationship cheating?

[povman]

Whoa whoa...

I guess I'm different to most people here.

Lusting after people other than your partner is cheating. It is. I am completely committed to my fiancée and no-one else. I would feel absolutely betrayed if she was lusting over someone else.

spookie149, I don't think that's acceptable coming from him. I AM A GUY and I don't have a physical requirement (or desire) to watch pornography. I can see how beautiful some women are, but because I love my fiancée I have no other interest in them.

Porn/harems etc encourages the objectification of women. Maybe was your ex treating you like another pleasure object? I am not surprised that your relationship ended if that's the way he thought of you (even though he might not have said it).

[sprite]

men have all kinds of wierd fetishes its what makes you human, we are obsessed with sex becuase thats what we here for

[spookie149]

Originally Posted by povman

spookie149, I don't think that's acceptable coming from him. I AM A GUY and I don't have a physical requirement (or desire) to watch pornography. I can see how beautiful some women are, but because I love my fiancée I have no other interest in them.

Porn/harems etc encourages the objectification of women. Maybe was your ex treating you like another pleasure object? I am not surprised that your relationship ended if that's the way he thought of you (even though he might not have said it).

I find it interesting that you said that, because he used similar words to describe watching porn. He wasn't watching other girls, he wasn't attracted to them as people. I think he meant objects. However, he never looked at me that way. In fact, I was the one in the relationship who would initiate sex. He always treated me with respect.

I'm curious if maturity or pop culture plays a significant part in how men view porn. I think in the past porn was a lot more under wraps or shameful. Now most of the young guys my age have no shame in admitting they cruise the internet for it.

[povman]

Originally Posted by spookie149

I find it interesting that you said that, because he used similar words to describe watching porn. He wasn't watching other girls, he wasn't attracted to them as people. I think he meant objects. However, he never looked at me that way. In fact, I was the one in the relationship who would initiate sex. He always treated me with respect.

I'm curious if maturity or pop culture plays a significant part in how men view porn. I think in the past porn was a lot more under wraps or shameful. Now most of the young guys my age have no shame in admitting they cruise the internet for it.

But if he really loved you, wouldn't he be willing to give up a selfish pleasure for you? There's nothing selfless or loving about pornography.

Edit: just thinking about this is making me upset.

[spookie149]

If you don't mind me asking, how old are you two povman? Still curious if it's relative to age.

Thanks for the support. He was my first serious relationship. I think I put up with a lot of crap I shouldn't have. However, still wondering if perhaps most young men my age (early 20's) feel the same way and if it's a result of our generational influences.

[crescive]

Originally Posted by povman

Lusting after people other than your partner is cheating.

Maybe this is just me but when I watch porn I'm not really lusting after other people. I just think it's a turn on to watch other people be turned on. It's sexy to watch people have sex, it's like when I see other people being happy and laughing, I feel happy and start to laugh too.

[povman]

Spookie149: I'm 22. Not sure what you expected :P

I can't really change others' personal values, but I can strongly state my own. If I regularly made a beautiful, filling, delicious, healthy meal for my fiancée, trying to make it easy for her to stay satisfied and healthy, then other days she went home and gorged herself on compound chocolate, I'd feel pretty hurt.

[breakthrough]

Porn is a mind virus, like a disease. Once it takes hold of you it becomes a habitual obsession and you start believing that it's normal to watch it.

In my own observations, most couples that allow porn eventually break up. I don't know if it's the porn or not, but I believe that porn is a disease that will scramble your mind.

[SomeRandomGuy]

Originally Posted by breakthrough

In my own observations, most couples that allow porn eventually break up. I don't know if it's the porn or not, but I believe that porn is a disease that will scramble your mind.

I find this statement interesting. I have never known a couple to break up because of porn. I guess this all goes back to open communication and both partners being in agreement. Perhaps the porn itself isn't the cause of the breakups as much as a difference of opinion regarding the porn. I have been married for 10 years (we dated for two years prior to getting married) and porn has never been a problem.

[Angela]

povman, I think it would behoove your relationship to consider letting go making lusting after others mean "betrayal." If your fiancee is around the same age as you, chances are that she has a lot of lusting after others in her future, and you do, too. Judging your desire so harshly is a great way to foster shame and blame and to grow resentment in your relationship, where allowing yourselves to feel lust without fearing and judging it (and ideally without acting on it) is a really great way to nurture some of the most rewarding and fulfilling stuff about being in a relationship: freedom, generosity, and love.

[MyEyeIsOpen]

Yeah, povman, I can respect your position on porn, but you're setting the bar a little high for yourself, aren't you?

You don't really decide who you find attractive. Not on a concious level, anyway, so making a concious level rule for an automatic response seems like a recipe for mental disaster.

I really want to respond to Mark Lang:

As far as the word "cheating" goes. It just depends on what you and your partner consider "cheating". Biblically, it is cheating (new testament). I think that is because it would, in most cases, cause problems in the relationship. This is evidenced by the large number of relationships that have been ruined by porn.

The real question to ask is, why are you using porn? Is your sexual need not being met? If you are using porn to meet a need that your partner isn't meeting, then it is cheating. It would be a better idea to work out the problem of sexual needs then to turn to alternative source. Using an alternative source to have your needs met is cheating. Is it cheating for a woman to have lunch with a co-worker that compliments her in ways that her husband doesn't? Possibly. And that could lead to a worsening of the problem. It is better to work out with her husband the things that she is needing for fulfilment.

I really think this is an argument that sounds plausible, but really turns out to be false. What you're saying is that using other people to fill needs that your partner can't meet is cheating, and that HAS to be wrong. I talk business with my business partner. I talk tech with my tech friends. I need that, I enjoy it, I crave it. I have needs that my partner doesn't fulfill and I don't expect her to -- I think it's entirely unrealistic to expect a person to be everything to you.

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Anyway, I think it's worth noting that the notion of cheating as we know it can't really apply to marriages in the bible (first part of the above quote). The Bible has mostly old-style political marriages, and it was perfectly acceptable for a guy to have sex with his slaves among others. Infidelity was a very particular sort of sex act that was basically political in nature, so it's kind of anachronistic to apply our notion of cheating onto the Bible.

Also, I'd like to see the studies which document the "large number" of relationships which have been ruined by porn.