I seem to have a hard time making friends/connections with people

[Breakaway]

I used to have social anxiety and was very scared of talking to people.

I willed through it, and now I don't get nervous and I feel that I am decent at conversations.

The problem seems to be that people don't seem to want to talk to me.

This problem is magnified online. If I go on facebook and I send a message out to 5 acquantences, I expect to get about 2 replies.

I'm not exactly sure what the issue is. Either (a) it's something about the way I talk to them that turns them off or (b) I need to surround myself with better people.

[MSC2471]

Breakaway: I would go at things on a one to one basis rather than sending out a blanket message to many hoping to gain individual responses. Personalize your contact online- remind the people about special things that have happened, ask them questions about events in their lives, show a genuine interest for them and give of yourself.

If the current group of people aren't responding, look at your own personal interests and seek out forums for these interests to gain new people into your social circle.

Good luck and keep us posted on your progress.

Matt

[Parthon]

Why do you want to be friends with other people?

[TonyToneTone]

Originally Posted by Breakaway

I used to have social anxiety and was very scared of talking to people.

I willed through it, and now I don't get nervous and I feel that I am decent at conversations.

The problem seems to be that people don't seem to want to talk to me.

This problem is magnified online. If I go on facebook and I send a message out to 5 acquantences, I expect to get about 2 replies.

I'm not exactly sure what the issue is. Either (a) it's something about the way I talk to them that turns them off or (b) I need to surround myself with better people.

I would change your thoughts. Start thinking "People enjoy talking to me. I interact great with people" and visualize a group of people around you with you in the center as you tell a joke and they all laugh.

BTW, 2 responses out of 5 on Facebook is fine. People are busy. Don't take it personal.

It doesn't seem like the way you talk to people is the issue as you came on here nice and polite.

[Rockchick26]

I've had this same problem forever,and even after all these suggestions,nothing has changed. I don't get it. I think i'm cool,interesting,and a very good friend,yet nobody gives a crap cuz they've already got friends. Of course there are exceptions but 99% of the time i can't make it work.


Every single night when i go to bed,for the last 20 years or so,i have visualized myself surrounded by friends,surrounded by love,and what i get in real life is only 1% of that. I wish i knew the answer for you,cuz i'd like to use it for myself too. I totally understand what youre going through though. Actually the last few months i've been trying to find somebody to go to a concert with,(actually i've done this countless times,usually with no results)...but i personally messaged about 5 or 6 people that i know are going to this show,yet NONE of them have replied to me about it. I know,like someone said,dont take it personally...BUT (this is a big but!) if it wasnt personal,then at least SOMEBODY out there would want to reply back! You cant email 100 people and get no replies and then say "well i dont think it was personal..." Come on LOL

Maybe there is some wierd secret way to make friends in this life that you and I havent figured out yet. The only way i have made friends was through my job,cuz these people were forced to get to know me. But as far as making friends online,in public,in bars,people just dont need more friends apparently. Sorry to be so cynical LOL I guess i should shut up now

[kabe65]

I'm kind of in the same position. I don't make friends very easily, but I seem to be able to get along with about anybody and everybody. I just can't seem to connect with people very well. I've been "practicing" with a friend of mine who lives out of state via email, and I don't know if it's really working or not. I've tried to be more open with myself, and at the same time engage her a little a bit more, but it's hard to tell through email whether or not something like this is working. I've asked her for help on this subject too, and I was saying in a different thread, she had some good advice for me....that I really need to practice more. She said to just start talking with people, especially if you're in a situation where you're doing something you like or are interested in. New connections are never a bad thing (especially if you feel your old ones are stagnating), so it doesn't matter how many people might think you're weird, there's bound to be bunches of others who might think you're the coolest person in the world. I need to practice this more, for me it's just overcoming that "social anxiety" and stepping up and talking with people. I always have to remind myself that if I'm in a situation where I'm doing something I like, and if there are people around me, well then we've already got something in common. That's grounds for a conversation/new connection right there.

[TonyToneTone]

Rockchick26, as someone who has a lot of friends, this is what I do.

When I meet people I try to be genuinely interested in what they have to say. People pick up on that and respond to it.

For the friends I have now, I allow them to live their lives as they see fit and think to myself how grateful I am to have them in my life. As you start to focus on how grateful you are for your friends, you will see other friends start to appear in your life. You are putting that good energy out there and it has to come back to you.

Lastly, what kind of friends do you spend your time with now? Are they the kind of friends you enjoy spending time with?

Let's say I moved to a place and I knew ABSOLUTELY no one. What I would do is go to malls, clubs, bars, anywhere where there is people and start talking to as many people as I can. It's the same way I met my friends in Los Angeles that I am good friends with to this day. Just start talking. You will be surprised at how many people want to hang out with you. Also, join some social networking organizations. Become part of some groups you like. You can easily make friends that way.

[Rockchick26]

Originally Posted by TonyToneTone

When I meet people I try to be genuinely interested in what they have to say. People pick up on that and respond to it.

Well that must only work for some people,because i am a wonderful listener and i'm always smiling,so i don't get why it doesnt work for me. I just think people want more than someone who is interested in them,they want someone who THEY want to hang out with,who THEY think is cool. After i give it my all and show my interest in a new person,they always end up friends with the person who doesnt seem to care how interesting they are. Then i walk away feeling like i was too clingy like i wanted to be their friend more than they wanted me to be theirs.

Lastly, what kind of friends do you spend your time with now? Are they the kind of friends you enjoy spending time with?

Well,it's like this; the few friends i have,i value them and cherish them,so even if we dont have much in common,i still spend time with them. The kind of friends that i want to have are ones that like going to concerts,but the friends i have now either can't afford concerts or don't like the same music i do. So i have been trying to make friends online who ARE into the same bands as me,but like i said,they dont seem to want new friends. I've been trying for YEARS to find other people to go to concerts with but everyone who is into that has their own friends already and they feel wierd inviting an outsider to hang out with them. Either that or they think it's creepy that somebody online is trying to become their friend LOL I am very limited when it comes to meeting people in real life,i suppose thats my main problem.

Let's say I moved to a place and I knew ABSOLUTELY no one. What I would do is go to malls, clubs, bars, anywhere where there is people and start talking to as many people as I can. It's the same way I met my friends in Los Angeles that I am good friends with to this day. Just start talking. You will be surprised at how many people want to hang out with you.

Again,apparently that only works for some people LOL I have tried that,but i get wierd stares,or polite answers and then they go back to talking amongst themselves. Even at concerts,where everyone is there for the same reason,its obvious i'm alone so when i talk to people who are standing near me,they might reply and smile but theyre always there with someone so they dont want to befriend some clingon to their group.

Also, join some social networking organizations. Become part of some groups you like. You can easily make friends that way.

Yep,tried that. I was a member of a few Meetup groups that went to concerts,but either the groups didnt have enough people or they werent into the same music i was. I even personally emailed a few people in there and they never wrote back. I always end up feeling creepy,like i am that wierd person who shows up to events alone and expects to get invited into someone's friend circle.

[Parthon]

I just thought about how I manage to make so many friends. These are some points that could help:

Be interesting: This doesn't mean make up stuff about yourself to seem interesting, but just present yourself as an interesting person. I'm a very well read person, on all kinds of topics, so I always have something to talk about, and if you can talk about what they are interested in, then you are automatically interesting.

Be interested: Don't just listen, smile and nod. Really cherish what the other person has to say, and respond to what they mean. Nothing validates another person more than actually listening to and understanding them.

Be friendly: Say "Hi", "How's it going?" and "Wassup?". Smile with your eyes, and genuinely enjoy meeting people. This doesn't mean being nice, it means that you just like meeting new people and are someone who people can enjoy meeting.

Be funny: This doesn't mean be a comedian, but to look at the funny in each situation. You personally might not find a joke funny, but you can learn to see why other people do. The more you learn to find the humour everywhere, the easier it is to bring it into conversations. Rehearsed jokes only take you so far, situational jokes and witty one liners are much better.

I think you can learn to get friends, much like any other skill, but it comes down to being yourself, and being the best self you can be.

[seeker5]

Originally Posted by TonyToneTone

Also, join some social networking organizations.

What are examples of social networking organizations?

[evevera]

I'm curious now, Rockchick26 what music are you into? lol

I don't know anyone who likes the same music I like, but I expect that and I'm used to it. It's also hard just to find anyone who likes anything I like, but I'm also a bit closed off so I don't reveal everything about myself either.

It always amazes me the people that can just talk about themselves like its the easiest thing in the world. Unless I know you and feel comfortable with you, I don't feel comfortable sharing myself. Maybe that's not that weird, but still, there's very few people that can make me feel comfortable straight away.

But enough about me LOL

Everyone's advice is good but you must be doing something that is driving people away Rockchick26. I admire that you try things and continue to battle through it. That's very courageous.

Do you think perhaps you might be coming off as a bit desperate? I mean you sound so frustrated about it that you probably do things that is self-sabotaging in the moment that you don't even realize. And these would very small things that no one would even be able to describe.

How do you dress? Present yourself? You don't smell do you? =P Assuming you keep clean and look decent most of the time, when you go out, do you feel good or are you constantly worrying about things or wondering why no one ever comes up to you.

Are you right with other areas of your life?

When you go out to public places, dont worry about finding new friends, just think about it as interacting with people. As situations come up where you know you could say something, do it, but don't worry if people ignore you (some will), but who cares about them, you're not talking to them, you're talking to whoever just happens to be standing there lol.

You'll find most people are nice.. now after you start some conversation, here's the tricky part... knowing when you LEAVE the conversation. Best to leave just as things are getting good lol, keep the energy high as you head out, that's a good way for people to remember you, and to laugh and joke a lot.

Next time, go to the same place (this works better if you know the person will turn up around same time/place at a later date). Then just smile say hi, and start chatting again. Don't drill them with questions, just be normal and casual. Talk about the environment (don't talk about them unless they want to or ask about you), or do it slowly.

I'm not an expert in this or anything, but just something you might want to try. If you're having too much emphasis on the 'friendship' ppl will see you as desperate and back away.

If you just act normal like you don't care if they want your friendship, you're just going to have a good time and if they interest you, you'll talk to them lol, might go better for you that way.

[Rockchick26]

Originally Posted by Parthon

I just thought about how I manage to make so many friends. These are some points that could help:

Be interesting: This doesn't mean make up stuff about yourself to seem interesting, but just present yourself as an interesting person. I'm a very well read person, on all kinds of topics, so I always have something to talk about, and if you can talk about what they are interested in, then you are automatically interesting.

I AM interesting...when i go to concerts,obviously i like the same band they do,how much more interesting could i be to them? lol As for being well read,i consider myself well read but when i talk about things i know about,usually people argue with me or they think i'm preaching to them.

Be funny: This doesn't mean be a comedian, but to look at the funny in each situation. You personally might not find a joke funny, but you can learn to see why other people do. The more you learn to find the humour everywhere, the easier it is to bring it into conversations. Rehearsed jokes only take you so far, situational jokes and witty one liners are much better.

Well i wasnt blessed with the gift of wit,when other people are being funny back and forth i'm too busy laughing at what they said and then i can never think of anything to add. If i do try to inject something,i'm usually talked over,or whatever i said was never as funny as what everyone else is saying. I'm also shy so i have a hard time talking at all and i really have a hard time speaking normally if i'm a bit nervous. I'm sure thats 90% of my problem,and the fact that i dont have good opportunities for other people to get to know me (meaning when i do meet new people,its always just one time)

I think you can learn to get friends, much like any other skill, but it comes down to being yourself, and being the best self you can be.

I AM myself,and i'm beginning to think thats the problem. I mean,i know i am a cool person and i like myself and i know i deserve to be able to make friends...but there is obviously something about me that turns most people off. I wish i could hang out with a bunch of social behavior critics and they could tell me what it is,but its not like i can change my personality though,so i dont know if any of this will help

[Rockchick26]

Originally Posted by evevera

I'm curious now, Rockchick26 what music are you into? lol

Rock LOL new rock mostly,the stuff that teenagers listen to these days. Thats the problem,nobody my age likes it,and if they do,they have kids and cant go to concerts with me. But the teenagers dont want to hang out with someone old enough to be their mom! So,i end up going to most of my concerts alone.

I don't know anyone who likes the same music I like, but I expect that and I'm used to it. It's also hard just to find anyone who likes anything I like, but I'm also a bit closed off so I don't reveal everything about myself either.

I hear ya! I have the same problem,when i tell people what i'm into,they usually think i'm wierd. Thats why i've resorted to the internet,but i'm even having problems on here! lol

Everyone's advice is good but you must be doing something that is driving people away Rockchick26. I admire that you try things and continue to battle through it. That's very courageous.

Well,what choice do i have really...i refuse to hole myself up in my apartment and turn into a friendless hermit LOL If i have no plans on a Saturday night,i'll still go somewhere,even if it is to hang out at the bookstore,or Walmart.

Do you think perhaps you might be coming off as a bit desperate? I mean you sound so frustrated about it that you probably do things that is self-sabotaging in the moment that you don't even realize. And these would very small things that no one would even be able to describe.

Probably,but then when i try to tone it down a bit,that doesnt work either! I just dont know what to do anymore.

How do you dress? Present yourself? You don't smell do you? =P Assuming you keep clean and look decent most of the time, when you go out, do you feel good or are you constantly worrying about things or wondering why no one ever comes up to you.

LOL No i dont smell,i shower every day! I dress good (i get compliments on my clothes and my arm tattoo all the time,i've even gotten compliments on my hair),i dont think there is a problem with the way i look at all. I'm pretty sure its just that i'm shy and nervous and i stumble over my words a lot and i'm not very witty. So whenever i talk i usually come off as a ditzy giggling clingy follower (meaning i follow along with whatever the conversation is about,so basically i rely on others to start and carry them for me)

Are you right with other areas of your life?

pretty much,yeah! I'd like a new career and i'd like my dad to stop calling me every day,other than that,everything is awesome!

I'm not an expert in this or anything, but just something you might want to try. If you're having too much emphasis on the 'friendship' ppl will see you as desperate and back away.

If you just act normal like you don't care if they want your friendship, you're just going to have a good time and if they interest you, you'll talk to them lol, might go better for you that way.

I didnt think i emphasize on friendship,i mean when i try to find concert buddies online,thats all i say,i am not saying "i am looking for a best friend",i say "i want someone to hang out with at the show". I still get no takers. The thing is,this solution would probably work IF i could see these people again. But rarely do i ever see anyone twice that i meet. I just dont have the opportunities to be in the same place again where i know the same people will be there again too. I really need to have a different job or go to college or something,but,thats a whole nother issue LOL

[kabe65]

Originally Posted by seeker5

What are examples of social networking organizations?

Toastmasters is one I'm probably going to pursue. I went to one of their meetings the other night, and it pretty much sold me on wanting to join. I want to be more open with people, and just become a better communicator, and after reading some of the stuff about it on Steve's website, I figure it couldn't hurt. Can't score the goal if you don't take the shot.

[Parthon]

Originally Posted by Rockchick26

I AM interesting...when i go to concerts,obviously i like the same band they do,how much more interesting could i be to them? lol As for being well read,i consider myself well read but when i talk about things i know about,usually people argue with me or they think i'm preaching to them.

Well i wasnt blessed with the gift of wit,when other people are being funny back and forth i'm too busy laughing at what they said and then i can never think of anything to add. If i do try to inject something,i'm usually talked over,or whatever i said was never as funny as what everyone else is saying. I'm also shy so i have a hard time talking at all and i really have a hard time speaking normally if i'm a bit nervous. I'm sure thats 90% of my problem,and the fact that i dont have good opportunities for other people to get to know me (meaning when i do meet new people,its always just one time)

I AM myself,and i'm beginning to think thats the problem. I mean,i know i am a cool person and i like myself and i know i deserve to be able to make friends...but there is obviously something about me that turns most people off. I wish i could hang out with a bunch of social behavior critics and they could tell me what it is,but its not like i can change my personality though,so i dont know if any of this will help

I wanted to ask, are you being 110% honest with yourself, brutally honest? Because, if you were cool and engaging and interesting, then you'd be beating new friends away with a stick. Because you aren't, that would indicate that what you do doesn't work. It's not wrong, or bad, it just doesn't give you the results you need. In order to improve in the areas to get results, first you need to know which areas they are, and to find them out you need to be fully truthful with yourself.

As for being cool, I always dislike "cool" people. I prefer easy going, "whatever happens, happens" kinda people. If you say "that's what cool means!" then I have to say, you've got it in the wrong order. People who are laid back are cool, but people who try to be cool aren't laid back. So are you actually laid back and easy going, or do you try hard to be laid back and easy going to the point where you have to constantly think at a million miles per hour about everything everyone is saying and doing?

As for being interesting, people go to a concert because they like the music. Someone else who likes the music is kinda "eh". That's why you are there too right. Now, if you could talk about why you like the music, or what you get up to while listening to music, or other kinds of music that you like, and why you like it. Good friends normally have at least 8 or 9 things in common. There's also a big difference between discussing something and telling someone something. If you are just spurting facts, or lecturing people, of course they'll get defensive. If what you say enhances the conversation though, and makes the other people feel included and feel like they can contribute, that's what draws them in, and makes them open up.

You know I could go on for weeks about how to improve social skills, but honestly, if someone is willing and open to it, and they are being 100% honest to themselves about their current level of ability, and they go searching for information about it, then they'll improve. Without the willingness, honesty and learning strategy though, they'll fail to improve.

[Halffull]

about to post a post on this on my blog, called How to be Compelling...

that is, how to get people to be interested in YOU... rather than you having to make all the effort.

The article goes into more depth, but it comes down to four things:

1. Learn to listen (active, empathic listening)

2. Have interesting things going on in your life

3. Be able to communicate these things in an effective way/become a good storyteller.

4. Leave them wanting more.

Follow these four things, and you'll have no trouble... they'll be the ones making the effort to be friends with you.

[Rockchick26]

Originally Posted by kabe65

Toastmasters is one I'm probably going to pursue. I went to one of their meetings the other night, and it pretty much sold me on wanting to join. I want to be more open with people, and just become a better communicator, and after reading some of the stuff about it on Steve's website, I figure it couldn't hurt. Can't score the goal if you don't take the shot.

What is Toastmasters about,besides helping you be more open? Is it an activity based thing,like Meetup.com? Or more of a support group for socially awkward people?

[Rockchick26]

Originally Posted by Parthon

I wanted to ask, are you being 110% honest with yourself, brutally honest? Because, if you were cool and engaging and interesting, then you'd be beating new friends away with a stick. Because you aren't, that would indicate that what you do doesn't work. It's not wrong, or bad, it just doesn't give you the results you need. In order to improve in the areas to get results, first you need to know which areas they are, and to find them out you need to be fully truthful with yourself.

Well i have pretty good self esteem now (as opposed to when i was a kid),so i do feel like im being honest about how i feel about myself,i am not a good liar and i want to get help about this so lying wouldn't help anyway. The thing is,i would be beating friends away with a stick,yes,IF my social behavior matched my personality. Its all inside but nobody sees it and i have problems letting it out. I can have the most interesting funny story to tell people but i can't deliver,i suck at talking cuz my brain freezes and i end up sounding like a ditz. It's like half my brain doesnt work right when interacting face to face with people i dont know very well or at all. Thats why i love talking to people online because that problem is completely disappeared,when i can type my words instead of saying them. I also HATE talking on the phone,i avoid it anytime i can.

As for being cool, I always dislike "cool" people. I prefer easy going, "whatever happens, happens" kinda people. If you say "that's what cool means!" then I have to say, you've got it in the wrong order. People who are laid back are cool, but people who try to be cool aren't laid back. So are you actually laid back and easy going, or do you try hard to be laid back and easy going to the point where you have to constantly think at a million miles per hour about everything everyone is saying and doing?

Wow. I think you hit the nail on the head there! I think i know the difference now,between being laid back and being cool. And I do spend WAY more time thinking about how i am acting or should act and how others are acting than actually enjoying the experience. Well,i CAN enjoy the experience and truly be laid back,only when i have some alcohol or maryjane in my system LOL Then is also when my problem completely disappears.

As for being interesting, people go to a concert because they like the music. Someone else who likes the music is kinda "eh". That's why you are there too right. Now, if you could talk about why you like the music, or what you get up to while listening to music, or other kinds of music that you like, and why you like it. Good friends normally have at least 8 or 9 things in common. There's also a big difference between discussing something and telling someone something. If you are just spurting facts, or lecturing people, of course they'll get defensive. If what you say enhances the conversation though, and makes the other people feel included and feel like they can contribute, that's what draws them in, and makes them open up.

yeah i do tend to do that,just spurt things out,i dont really interact i guess,now that i think about it. I dont feel comfortable asking questions either (big mistake,i'm sure) but thats because i feel like if i ask questions,i'm being more nosy than i should be with a stranger i just met. I also feel like questions and answers are too interview-ish. I'd rather a conversation just flow smoothly with both people just saying whatever comes to mind,i dont like one person asking the other a question then they answer then they ask the other person the next question,that whole vibe makes me immediately wish i could crawl in a hole. I also open up A LOT after i've known someone for a few months but up til that point,i just dont feel comfortable pushing it to that level.

[Rockchick26]

Originally Posted by Halffull

1. Learn to listen (active, empathic listening)

Listening is what i do best! I talk about 10% of the time and listen 90%. If God wanted us to speak more than listen he would have given us two mouths and only one ear

2. Have interesting things going on in your life

But how are they going to know about those things unless you are able to tell them? And how do you just make that stuff known without sounding like you're bragging or trying to get attention or trying to dominate the conversation? And what if you don't have anything interesting going on? lol You can't change into a more exciting career or suddenly have kids that you can talk about.

3. Be able to communicate these things in an effective way/become a good storyteller.

Well i'm screwed here LOL This is the exact reason (i think) i have problems,cuz i suck at communicating. How can you improve your "storytelling" skills? I don't even tell jokes cuz i suck so bad at speaking.

4. Leave them wanting more.

Be more specific LOL What if they didn't want what they got,how can they want more of THAT? lol

[Parthon]

Originally Posted by Rockchick26

Well i have pretty good self esteem now (as opposed to when i was a kid),so i do feel like im being honest about how i feel about myself,i am not a good liar and i want to get help about this so lying wouldn't help anyway. The thing is,i would be beating friends away with a stick,yes,IF my social behavior matched my personality. Its all inside but nobody sees it and i have problems letting it out. I can have the most interesting funny story to tell people but i can't deliver,i suck at talking cuz my brain freezes and i end up sounding like a ditz. It's like half my brain doesnt work right when interacting face to face with people i dont know very well or at all. Thats why i love talking to people online because that problem is completely disappeared,when i can type my words instead of saying them. I also HATE talking on the phone,i avoid it anytime i can.

Wow. I think you hit the nail on the head there! I think i know the difference now,between being laid back and being cool. And I do spend WAY more time thinking about how i am acting or should act and how others are acting than actually enjoying the experience. Well,i CAN enjoy the experience and truly be laid back,only when i have some alcohol or maryjane in my system LOL Then is also when my problem completely disappears.

yeah i do tend to do that,just spurt things out,i dont really interact i guess,now that i think about it. I dont feel comfortable asking questions either (big mistake,i'm sure) but thats because i feel like if i ask questions,i'm being more nosy than i should be with a stranger i just met. I also feel like questions and answers are too interview-ish. I'd rather a conversation just flow smoothly with both people just saying whatever comes to mind,i dont like one person asking the other a question then they answer then they ask the other person the next question,that whole vibe makes me immediately wish i could crawl in a hole. I also open up A LOT after i've known someone for a few months but up til that point,i just dont feel comfortable pushing it to that level.

You do sound like a great person on the internet, I have trouble picturing you as shy.

Hmmm, social tactics and trying out different ways of listening and communicating probably won't work. From what you've been sharing it sounds like you've already got the skills, but there's a mental block that's preventing you from using them. This block is completely fear based, and the only way to overcome it is to break it down by seeing if that fear is real or not, and then generating something new in it's place.

I'm guessing that much of the time you don't speak because you are scared of one of the following:

• saying the wrong thing
• annoying someone else
• losing a friend
• being embarrassed

I could go on.

These are all "if"s in the social scheme of things. These are things that might happen, but aren't guaranteed to. In truth, the fear comes from looking bad in front of other people. You think you have to be a perfect person in order to be liked, and to do so you can't make any mistakes. You freeze in the moment because you are trapped in trying to do the right thing, instead of just being yourself. The biggest impact, is that you unable to be bold and open in your expression, which is the main access to friendship. When you are scared of how you look in the eyes of others, you can't be an awesome and friendly person. It just doesn't fit. You have to look stupid and say silly things to be an awesome and friendly person. This extends even furthur, in trying to look good to get friends, you don't have access to those skills that would get you friends, because you are too scared to use them. The fear holds you back.

So where does the fear come from? It's primarily from attachment. You only get scared when you are attached to the outcome of a situation, in this case it's being liked. When you are attached to being liked, you get scared that you'll lose at it. The flip side though is that when you are scared, you aren't likeable. If you try to be likeable, and try hard to avoid being shunned, you come across as fake and desperate. Other people are reacting to your fear, because they can't see the real you, only the fear you are giving them.

So, does it feel like the fear comes from being attached to the outcome, and is preventing you from making friends?

If so, what would you do in your interactions with others if you didn't have this fear?

ps:

Listening is what i do best! I talk about 10% of the time and listen 90%. If God wanted us to speak more than listen he would have given us two mouths and only one ear

I found this funny, if we have two ears and one mouth, does that mean we should talk 33% of the time and listen the other 66%? In fact, those ratios seem quite good in a social situation.

[Rockchick26]

Originally Posted by Parthon

You do sound like a great person on the internet, I have trouble picturing you as shy.

Of course,because on the internet,shyness doesnt really exist. But if you met me in person,you would probably not even believe i'm the same person.

From what you've been sharing it sounds like you've already got the skills, but there's a mental block that's preventing you from using them. This block is completely fear based, and the only way to overcome it is to break it down by seeing if that fear is real or not, and then generating something new in it's place.

I wish i knew what my fear was! Wouldn't i have already figured that out,i'm not a spring chicken anymore LOL

I'm guessing that much of the time you don't speak because you are scared of one of the following:

• saying the wrong thing
• annoying someone else
• losing a friend
• being embarrassed

Well,i am afraid of saying the wrong thing because it happens all the time! I am notorious for saying the completely wrong word,or something that is inappropriate,or something that makes no sense at all,or a broken sentence with gaps in it...i really feel stupid most of the time when i talk LOL

I guess i do feel afraid of annoying people but only because of my above reason. I always end up feeling like an idiot and then people don't want to talk to me anymore,so of course i am afraid of this happening again cuz it happens all the time!

I am not afraid of losing a friend...i've never said cruel or mean things to my friends...and when i'm around good friends,i don't really have this social anxiety problem. It's only with people i dont know or want to impress.

Yes,being embarrassed...that happens more often than not,anytime i speak to people i dont know. I almost always obsess over it afterwards and i get embarrassed even remembering the stuff i said.

When you are scared of how you look in the eyes of others, you can't be an awesome and friendly person. It just doesn't fit. You have to look stupid and say silly things to be an awesome and friendly person.

But i DO look stupid and say silly things and that repels people away from me. Who wants to hang out with someone who can't speak normal and comes off as an idiot? lol

So where does the fear come from? It's primarily from attachment. You only get scared when you are attached to the outcome of a situation, in this case it's being liked. When you are attached to being liked, you get scared that you'll lose at it. The flip side though is that when you are scared, you aren't likeable. If you try to be likeable, and try hard to avoid being shunned, you come across as fake and desperate. Other people are reacting to your fear, because they can't see the real you, only the fear you are giving them.

Wow. This makes so much sense. But how do i fix it? So far the only things i can come up with is to either drink or get stoned LOL Not good solutions,i know

So, does it feel like the fear comes from being attached to the outcome, and is preventing you from making friends?

yes,because the only times i am calm and relaxed is when i am with people who already know me and who i know who will hang out with me again. And now that you mention the attachment to the outcome thing,that really hits home because i like to meet the bands that i go see and i usually have a perfect scenario in my mind about how i want it to go,and i usually have a crush on one of the guys,so that intensifies my attachment to the outcome,i want them to like me!

If so, what would you do in your interactions with others if you didn't have this fear?

Well i dont really know,because i've never not had this fear LOL I guess the only thing i can think of is how i act when i'm drunk or stoned,in which case its impossible to capture that state of mind sober because if it were that easy,there would be no one using drugs or alcohol. *sigh*

I feel like we're getting somewhere here LOL thanks for all your help,i kinda feel like i'm in therapy LOL

[Parthon]

The fear that's there, it's not a specific fear, it's the general unspecific terror that runs many people's lives. You can't find it, because it's everywhere. You can't name it, because it's part of you. It's really the fight or flight response going off at the wrong times. In this case, social situations.

The only way to break the fear, is to unroot the source. From what you said about having a perfect picture in your mind with your desired outcome, that's it exactly. Fear comes when you are in danger. In this case, you want the outcome so badly(you really do ) that you make it a part of yourself. Then once it's a part of you, whenever it comes under threat you need to protect it, bam, instant fear. When it comes to fear, we are practically robots. It worked for us during evolution, but it's not as useful now in everyday life.

Now the way to get rid of fear would be to stop thinking about outcomes, stop picturing what it's going to look like. Next social situation, focus on no outcomes, and no picturing. Make sure you don't care how it turns out, and be completely okay with whatever happens. This will be incredibly hard at first, because you are so good at picture outcomes, so let yourself mess it up a bit. The goal is to see if something shifts, if there's something new there. I promise you won't lose anything worth losing, but you have a chance to gain a lot.

Would you try that on, just being completely outcome free for a try?

Also, if you want to put your visualisation ability to the test:
Imagine you are in the situation you wish, talking to the people you want to talk to completely without fear. The conversation is going great, you are making people laugh, and they are having fun. Everyone wants to be your friend. You can see yourself being the socialite person you want to be. You can feel yourself being that person, without fear. How does it feel? What's there instead of the fear? How are you acting? and Who are you Being?

(By "Being" I mean the best word to describe your complete state: Happy, Confident, Friendly, Gracious, Fun, Jovial, Empowering, Dangerously Awesome. Find the one that best suits by making one up, it's often the first word to come to mind.)

[Rockchick26]

Originally Posted by Parthon

The only way to break the fear, is to unroot the source. From what you said about having a perfect picture in your mind with your desired outcome, that's it exactly. Fear comes when you are in danger. In this case, you want the outcome so badly(you really do ) that you make it a part of yourself. Then once it's a part of you, whenever it comes under threat you need to protect it, bam, instant fear. When it comes to fear, we are practically robots. It worked for us during evolution, but it's not as useful now in everyday life.

But i don't feel like i'm "in danger" in these situations. Its more like a feeling of worry that nobody will like me or take me seriously or respect me.

Now the way to get rid of fear would be to stop thinking about outcomes, stop picturing what it's going to look like. Next social situation, focus on no outcomes, and no picturing. Make sure you don't care how it turns out, and be completely okay with whatever happens. This will be incredibly hard at first, because you are so good at picture outcomes, so let yourself mess it up a bit. The goal is to see if something shifts, if there's something new there. I promise you won't lose anything worth losing, but you have a chance to gain a lot.

lol yes you are right,this is very hard. I am almost constantly thinking about this concert i'm going to on Friday and every minute i'm not actively doing something,i find myself imagining what it will be like. I was told that this is a good thing though,to visualize how you want something to be. I understood that is part of the law of attraction,to visualize what you want and then when the time comes,it will happen. Just like professional sports,the athletes visualize how they will play,how it will feel,the feeling of winning,etc. So what youre saying is the complete opposite of what i've been learning for the last few years LOL

Also, if you want to put your visualisation ability to the test:
Imagine you are in the situation you wish, talking to the people you want to talk to completely without fear. The conversation is going great, you are making people laugh, and they are having fun. Everyone wants to be your friend. You can see yourself being the socialite person you want to be. You can feel yourself being that person, without fear. How does it feel? What's there instead of the fear? How are you acting? and Who are you Being?

That is what i've been trying to accomplish now for years! But it doesnt help once the time comes,i literally feel like i am unable to be that person that i imagine myself being. but this goes against what you said up there to do LOL Which is right?

(By "Being" I mean the best word to describe your complete state: Happy, Confident, Friendly, Gracious, Fun, Jovial, Empowering, Dangerously Awesome. Find the one that best suits by making one up, it's often the first word to come to mind.)

Well i guess i'd say Dangerously Awesome,Empowering,and Confident. So why don't those feelings carry through to real life? I feel like i have to have some cooperation from those around me in order to feel those things. I mean,obviously,how can anyone feel confident if the people around them don't reflect that back to you? In other words,i WOULD feel confident if my reality proved that my confidence is validated. It's like if a band were to release 10 albums over a decade,and nobody bought a single one,why would they think they were good? And why would they continue? but if they sell millions of copies,they'll have the confidence knowing that they are good so it helps them to become even better! I feel like that band that is not selling any copies and wonders why because this band is really good LOL

[Parthon]

Worry, anxiety, concern and unsease all come from a basis of fear. It's the underlying fear of a particular outcome, or lack of outcome: Fear of being embarrassed, or fear of failing. You don't have to be in any real danger, but the fear is still there.

The reason for visualisation is not to project how you wish you could be, but give yourself a solid base on which to land in a situation. After you've visualised, give up the visualisation and keep the feeling, the way of being so to speak. When you get into a social situation, concentrate on being that way, rather than trying to have a particular outcome or gain a particular result. If you can inspire yourself with it, it becomes the source of your actions and open up new opportunities, in every moment, even now.

But, in order to access it, first you have to free yourself. The challenge is to enter a social situation and give up all your outcomes, and all your visulisations, all your worries and axieties, so that you can just be free in the conversation. Instead of having a particular goal in mind, just have a conversations for conversation's sake. Talk for the sake of talking, listen for the sake of listening. Have no outcomes, no desires and no concerns. Just be free.

[Rockchick26]

Originally Posted by Parthon

The reason for visualisation is not to project how you wish you could be, but give yourself a solid base on which to land in a situation. After you've visualised, give up the visualisation and keep the feeling, the way of being so to speak. When you get into a social situation, concentrate on being that way, rather than trying to have a particular outcome or gain a particular result. If you can inspire yourself with it, it becomes the source of your actions and open up new opportunities, in every moment, even now.

Well i would not understand why i would visualize something to go perfectly and then make myself ok with it if it doesnt go that way. I wouldn't see the point in it then. I mean,anything less would be a letdown! and i already know that feeling doesn't carry over into real life,that's the problem i'm having,i TRY to remember that feeling but it's only there when it's happening in my head,not in real life.

But, in order to access it, first you have to free yourself. The challenge is to enter a social situation and give up all your outcomes, and all your visulisations, all your worries and axieties, so that you can just be free in the conversation. Instead of having a particular goal in mind, just have a conversations for conversation's sake. Talk for the sake of talking, listen for the sake of listening. Have no outcomes, no desires and no concerns. Just be free.

I was thinking about this at work today and i realized that i only have an attachment to the outcome when its with a guy that i like. Not in any other situation though. Like at work,i was working with some ladies that i've worked with for years,yet i still felt uncomfortable talking. I had no outcome in my head,i was just working,and i still felt like i didn't want to talk. I tried to identify the reasons why,what was holding me back,and i realized it was that these ladies don't talk to ME! The minute anyone else would come by us that does talk to me,i opened up like nobody's business,but the minute they walked away,i was back to being quiet again. I can't talk to people that don't openly talk to me first. Even though i've worked with these ladies for 2 or 3 years,i still clam up around them because they dont talk to me either! So,this goes back to my confidence,i WOULD have confidence to talk when its with somebody that wants me to talk to them!

[Parthon]

The purpose is to give up the attachment to the outcome, but keep the source of inspiration. To be able to put yourself in the positive state of whatever you can imagine: like Empowering,and Confident. Although I don't think they really inspire you, what inspires you around social interactions? It's the difference between remembering confident and being confident.

Well, why must other people talk first? Are you expecting them to talk, or do you need for them to say something so you have something to respond to? What in yourself stops you from talking to these ladies that you work with? I know you can have really deep and soulfull conversations with people you know well, but you want to be able to have them with anyone right?

[WhteRabbit]

Originally Posted by Parthon

I'm guessing that much of the time you don't speak because you are scared of one of the following:

• saying the wrong thing
• annoying someone else
• losing a friend
• being embarrassed

I could go on.

These are all "if"s in the social scheme of things. These are things that might happen, but aren't guaranteed to. In truth, the fear comes from looking bad in front of other people. You think you have to be a perfect person in order to be liked, and to do so you can't make any mistakes. You freeze in the moment because you are trapped in trying to do the right thing, instead of just being yourself. The biggest impact, is that you unable to be bold and open in your expression, which is the main access to friendship. When you are scared of how you look in the eyes of others, you can't be an awesome and friendly person. It just doesn't fit. You have to look stupid and say silly things to be an awesome and friendly person. This extends even furthur, in trying to look good to get friends, you don't have access to those skills that would get you friends, because you are too scared to use them. The fear holds you back.

So where does the fear come from? It's primarily from attachment. You only get scared when you are attached to the outcome of a situation, in this case it's being liked. When you are attached to being liked, you get scared that you'll lose at it. The flip side though is that when you are scared, you aren't likeable. If you try to be likeable, and try hard to avoid being shunned, you come across as fake and desperate. Other people are reacting to your fear, because they can't see the real you, only the fear you are giving them.

So, does it feel like the fear comes from being attached to the outcome, and is preventing you from making friends?

If so, what would you do in your interactions with others if you didn't have this fear?

This hit the nail on the head... very informative and helpful! Thank you so much. I feel as if that's it. That's all there is to it.
Thanks again! Gonna go practice now.

[Rockchick26]

Originally Posted by Parthon

The purpose is to give up the attachment to the outcome, but keep the source of inspiration. To be able to put yourself in the positive state of whatever you can imagine: like Empowering,and Confident. Although I don't think they really inspire you, what inspires you around social interactions? It's the difference between remembering confident and being confident.

I get inspiration from my desired outcome. If i knew ahead of time that something was going to embarrass me or make a fool out of myself,i wouldn't be inspired at all! I still can't figure out how to be confident for something when it always ends up bad! In order to be confident about something,i have to KNOW it will work out the way i want,otherwise there is nothing to get confident about.

Well, why must other people talk first? Are you expecting them to talk, or do you need for them to say something so you have something to respond to? What in yourself stops you from talking to these ladies that you work with? I know you can have really deep and soulfull conversations with people you know well, but you want to be able to have them with anyone right?

I wish i knew the answers! I have been trying to identify reasons in my head every time this happens,and i never really have any answers! I just feel uncomfortable. I know they'll talk back to me,but then they always go back to talking amongst themselves so i know its useless to try to talk to people who don't talk to me. To me it feels like,you know how they say "if you keep doing the same thing expecting different results,then youre an idiot" well i feel like an idiot every time i talk to people and the same thing happens,they end up talking to somebody else who is cooler/funnier/more talkative,whatever. Then i always say to myself "i shouldn't try to be something i'm not",but then i think "but i AM cool and i AM funny,i am not a loser!" so i feel like i'm trying to fit in with people i belong with but they dont think i fit in. I really feel this the most when,(sadly enough,since this is my favorite thing to do) i'm at a concert. Because that is where my heart truly belongs,that's where i feel like i fit in,i'm around others who are on the same wavelength as me,but i still don't even fit in there!! Cuz i'm so much older than them and they are so young and hip and all there with their huge groups of friends and there i am,by myself,and when i try to talk to people they act like they dont want to be bothered. Yet that is the only place i feel i belong. So what do you do when you don't even fit in where you belong?! Sorry i'm rambling on and on here LOL

What it all boils down to is i'm just not good at talking,because I never was a talker. Starting back when i was 5 years old or so,i'd bury my face in magazines and books. I'd sleep over at my grandma's house and i'd spend most of the time not even talking to her or my grandpa,just reading her books and magazines.

So maybe my problem is just that this is my personality,to be quiet,and shy. But i dont know if that is a personality trait or if i've been socially challenged since i was a little kid LOL Is that possible to get screwed up so young like that? What if social anxiety is nothing more than the result of forcing an introvert to become an extrovert?

[Parthon]

Originally Posted by Rockchick26

I get inspiration from my desired outcome. If i knew ahead of time that something was going to embarrass me or make a fool out of myself,i wouldn't be inspired at all! I still can't figure out how to be confident for something when it always ends up bad! In order to be confident about something,i have to KNOW it will work out the way i want,otherwise there is nothing to get confident about.

Aah, this is the catch. You can be confident, without actually having a reason to be confident. Imagine young children playing make believe, or pretend. It's not pretend for them, it's real, they are the cowboy, or the policeman in that moment. It's just the same. The kid doesn't know how it will turn out, he doesn't care, what's important is being a policeman and acting it out to whatever outcome. To have the result, you'd have to give up the result, and then be confident.

I wish i knew the answers! I have been trying to identify reasons in my head every time this happens,and i never really have any answers! I just feel uncomfortable. I know they'll talk back to me,but then they always go back to talking amongst themselves so i know its useless to try to talk to people who don't talk to me. To me it feels like,you know how they say "if you keep doing the same thing expecting different results,then youre an idiot" well i feel like an idiot every time i talk to people and the same thing happens,they end up talking to somebody else who is cooler/funnier/more talkative,whatever. Then i always say to myself "i shouldn't try to be something i'm not",but then i think "but i AM cool and i AM funny,i am not a loser!" so i feel like i'm trying to fit in with people i belong with but they dont think i fit in. I really feel this the most when,(sadly enough,since this is my favorite thing to do) i'm at a concert. Because that is where my heart truly belongs,that's where i feel like i fit in,i'm around others who are on the same wavelength as me,but i still don't even fit in there!! Cuz i'm so much older than them and they are so young and hip and all there with their huge groups of friends and there i am,by myself,and when i try to talk to people they act like they dont want to be bothered. Yet that is the only place i feel i belong. So what do you do when you don't even fit in where you belong?! Sorry i'm rambling on and on here LOL

What it all boils down to is i'm just not good at talking,because I never was a talker. Starting back when i was 5 years old or so,i'd bury my face in magazines and books. I'd sleep over at my grandma's house and i'd spend most of the time not even talking to her or my grandpa,just reading her books and magazines.

So maybe my problem is just that this is my personality,to be quiet,and shy. But i dont know if that is a personality trait or if i've been socially challenged since i was a little kid LOL Is that possible to get screwed up so young like that? What if social anxiety is nothing more than the result of forcing an introvert to become an extrovert?

Wow, that's a lot of stuff! Social anxiety is what happens when you put an "introvert" into a social situation, nerves, worry etc. Introverts can still be very social and friendly with some really close friends, but they will have fewer, better friends. An extrovert tends to have more casual friendships. I swing between the two from year to year. One year I'll have a small group of close friends, then the next year I'll have a few dozen friends that I all see. In fact, on different days I'll want to see different amounts of people.

You can be an introvert all you want, you can even be a hermit, but you know there's a part of you that isn't happy with the situation you find yourself in. But you've read all the techniques, you've studied all the tips and tricks on how to make friends, so what's missing?

Try this: What kinds of feelings come up when you are in a social environment? What "ways of being" do you fall back into in a social environment. Like you wish you were confident, how would you describe the ways you are being when talking to people? Make a list of the 10 most descriptive and accurate words to describe it.

[Halffull]

Originally Posted by Rockchick26

Listening is what i do best! I talk about 10% of the time and listen 90%. If God wanted us to speak more than listen he would have given us two mouths and only one ear

Very cool... what do you define as listening?

But how are they going to know about those things unless you are able to tell them? And how do you just make that stuff known without sounding like you're bragging or trying to get attention or trying to dominate the conversation? And what if you don't have anything interesting going on? lol You can't change into a more exciting career or suddenly have kids that you can talk about.

You're not trying to dominate the conversation, or bragging. This is about offering value. My definition of Active Listening, unlike most definitions, actually includes ACTION as the final step. If someone asks for advice, THIS is when a story comes out. Or when, you see that there is boredom or the vibe needs to be shifted, they'lll come out. Secondly, to be compelling, you need to have exciting things going on, period. To say that you can't change careers or have more kids is not only false... it's beside the point. You can do exciting things outside of these areas.

Well i'm screwed here LOL This is the exact reason (i think) i have problems,cuz i suck at communicating. How can you improve your "storytelling" skills? I don't even tell jokes cuz i suck so bad at speaking.

Hang around people who are good storytellers. Join toastmasters. Read a book on public speaking, read a book on storytelling. PRACTICE. Start working on telling stories, and you'll get better through social feedback.

Be more specific LOL What if they didn't want what they got,how can they want more of THAT? lol

If you do the above three things, you shouldn't have a problem .