Getting the upper-hand back

[joyseeker]

How do you get the upper hand back, or get the control back in the dating game?

It seems like dating is constant back and forth game of who is in control. I don't know why "playing hard to get" works, but it does!. With me it seems like while I am in the " I want to get to know you better" phase the guy adores me and will do anything to get my attention. (and I'm playing hard to get) Once I finally realize -hey I really do like this guy, it is to late and he is on his way out. (he's playing hard to get now ) So, I find myself trying to get their attention and hating how everything is reversed on me.

How do you get them back with out looking to desperate for them to give you another chance? ( I've lost the game numerous times, but I really don't want to lose this one )

-thanks for the advise

[JimOfferman]

First of all: if you fear losing, don't play the game. That's the whole point, you take the risk of losing, so there is something to be won.

Secondly, you say that "playing hard to get" works... but you never get the guy. So does it really work for you? Or should you, perhaps, try being less hard to get?

(I personally don't like the game of hard to get at all... if you play hard to get, you're not going to be my partner - period).

[Dan.Linehan]

Originally Posted by JimOfferman

(I personally don't like the game of hard to get at all... if you play hard to get, you're not going to be my partner - period).

I don't like the "hard to get" games either.

When someone is playing hard to get, the meta message they are putting off is that they are very busy doing very important things (VIT), or very fun things (VFT), or both. Most people are pretty attracted to that. Very important and very fun! Wow! Who wouldn't wants to date someone who is doing VFTs or VITs with their time? Wouldn't you? It's exciting! And that excitement can be like a drug.

Unfortunately, if someone is playing hard to get, it usually turns out that they weren't really busy with VITs or VFTs (attractive! exciting!) at all - they were just putting on a show. So now, not only do they have nothing attractive going on, but it seems they were faking all along. They now not only seem boring, but deceptive too.

99% of the time people who "play hard to get" are doing just what it sounds like: playing. Playing a part. Acting.

I basically assume up front when someone acts "too busy" that they are just playing games. I put them on my mental "ignore list" until something happens that changes my mind.

Genuinely attractive people will connect with you authentically, not put up a front. The last thing I want is to date someone who kicks things off with lies or a mask.

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by Dan.Linehan

Genuinely attractive people will connect with you authentically, not put up a front. The last thing I want is to date someone who kicks things off with lies or a mask.

I hear ya!

[Angela]

I agree with Jim and Dan. Also, the illusion of control is a really good thing to let go of if you want to be in an authentic, loving, long-term mutually beneficial relationship -- one that is ripe with freedom, love, peace, and joy.

[Chris Cade]

In my experience, the only way to regain control (or as I would call it, "empowerment") is to become "stubbornly authentic."

In other words, being myself... no matter whether that's good or bad... and whenever another person gets upset or rejects my authenticity, I am STUBBORN about continuing to be authentic.

If another person cannot handle who I truly am, then we're just not a good fit. Sure, I don't like being rejected -- and I spent 20 years experiencing some of the worst kinds of rejection imagineable -- but at the end of the day, I'd rather be authentic and rejected, than living a lie just trying to be accepted.

And ANY time we are not being authentic, we are living a lie. Maybe a small lie. Maybe a little white lie. Maybe we aren't even aware we're living a lie. But if I'm not being authentic... then I'm being inauthentic.

So my advice is simply this: Be you, and let other people be them. If you align well, then the dating game is no game at all... but it is very playful.

[Dan.Linehan]

That's great advice Chris. I wonder how many people know themselves well enough to do that?

[eskimo]

Originally Posted by joyseeker

How do you get the upper hand back, or get the control back in the dating game?

It seems like dating is constant back and forth game of who is in control. I don't know why "playing hard to get" works, but it does!. With me it seems like while I am in the " I want to get to know you better" phase the guy adores me and will do anything to get my attention. (and I'm playing hard to get) Once I finally realize -hey I really do like this guy, it is to late and he is on his way out. (he's playing hard to get now ) So, I find myself trying to get their attention and hating how everything is reversed on me.

How do you get them back with out looking to desperate for them to give you another chance? ( I've lost the game numerous times, but I really don't want to lose this one )

-thanks for the advise

It sounds like you've got an unhealthy perspective on relationships. Sounds relationships of any sort should not be about winning or losing (or trapping or manipulating). It should be about openness, honesty, trust, and compatibility.

I would never again want to be involved in a relationship with a girl who figured out a way to control or manipulate me into being with her. It's definitely not good for me but it's also not good for her.

My best advice to you, joyseeker, would be to take this as a learning experience, reflect on your actions and their results, and take these learnings and move forward. I would also advise you to seek counsel from older and wiser women who've been in long-standing successful relationships. They can help you develop yourself so that you can ultimately find the perfect relationship for you.

[joyseeker]

As I am reading these posts I have realized that I think I worded my whole post wrong. I am happy with who I am and am patient to find the person that accepts me for who I am, which would explain why I think I am so picky on settling down with someone. I know what I want and I will not settle for less. Also I am far from manipulating and . (I actually think of my self a push over if anything)

A better way to go about my question would be. " why do you want what you can't have". My choice of words were clearly not right, its not him playing hard to get or me playing hard to get its me wanting something that maybe is not there anymore?

[Dan.Linehan]

Originally Posted by joyseeker

A better way to go about my question would be. " why do you want what you can't have".

Because you perceive the "things you can't have" as VITs or VFTs.

[Chris Cade]

Originally Posted by Dan.Linehan

That's great advice Chris. I wonder how many people know themselves well enough to do that?

Good question. In my experience, not many. And in my experience, this is something I continue to learn and practice regularly... it's one thing to know it, but I'm finally starting to live it and see how powerful it really is.

For me it's been two steps forward, one step backward. Just when I think I've totally got my authenticity, I get a surprise curveball... "Whoops! Didn't see that one coming."

The nice thing about it though, is that when I see those curveballs they aren't problems - they don't make me question who I am - I just say, "Yup, I was lying to somebody else or myself... I didn't mean ill-will, and this is an opportunity to see the truth, be myself, and get MORE stubborn about being authentic."

Originally Posted by joyseeker

A better way to go about my question would be. " why do you want what you can't have".

Flippant quick answer:

Because what your mind wants is not in alignment with what your soul wants.

When you have alignment of mind, body, and spirit, you only want experiences that are also in alignment with you.

So perhaps a more interesting question for you is:

"Why do I want things that are not aligned with my true self and my best interests? What do I find interesting about these things that I *think* I want, but that my soul doesn't truly want?"

[garentee]

Originally Posted by JimOfferman

I hear ya!

I second that one for sure!

[funchy]

Originally Posted by joyseeker

A better way to go about my question would be. " why do you want what you can't have". My choice of words were clearly not right, its not him playing hard to get or me playing hard to get its me wanting something that maybe is not there anymore?

It's human nature to want what we cannot have. If we can have something easily, we seem to conclude whatever it was must not have been worth that much to be so easy to obtain.

It's the same instinct that makes us want someone more if they're starting to date another person. Clearly the person is worth more than we thought if he/she found a new date so quickly.

Both are false feelings. If you truly know what you want out of life and out of a relationship, you won't need these false rulers to measure if the other person is "special" or not.

It seems like dating is constant back and forth game of who is in control. I don't know why "playing hard to get" works, but it does!. With me it seems like while I am in the " I want to get to know you better" phase the guy adores me and will do anything to get my attention. (and I'm playing hard to get) Once I finally realize -hey I really do like this guy, it is to late and he is on his way out. (he's playing hard to get now ) So, I find myself trying to get their attention and hating how everything is reversed on me.

Stop trying to get attention. Be yourself. If the guy isn't interested, just accept it and don't let it bother you. If he's going out of his way to unnaturally "play hard to get", don't play his game.

It's possible that some guys weren't as serious as you thought, and no amount of playing hard-to-get will change that. If he doesn't want to call you back, fine, it's his loss.

When you get to the mindset that you don't need anyone else to be happy, you will come across as confident and not needy... and this are honest traits most do find attractive.