Should I Give Up on Her?

[Tex2008]

Hello everyone. Never thought I would be asking for advice on a message board but I figured it wouldn't hurt to get peoples' opinions. It appears people actually post and reply on this forum so here I go.

I dated an amazing girl in college for 2 years. We had a good relationship. We had fun together and at the same time we were able to maintain our independence of each other. Towards the end of my college career I became scared when I took my first job which moved me to a city I knew she didn't want to move to. I was frustrated because she didn't seem to care much where I ended up. She still had a year left in school after I graduated and I wanted to have an idea of where to move. After much frustration and seeing that things weren't really coming together like I thought they should for a couple considering to get married I broke up with her. That was almost 2 years ago. After about 6 months we started talking again. Since then, we have remained in contact. It has always been a long distance thing so most of our communication has been over the phone. We have hung out a few times since the break up. In fact, I just saw her this past weekend and will see her again in a few weeks.

8 months ago I began to realize that I still have feelings for her and that I believe she is the girl I want to marry. I have told her a few times that I still have feelings for her and that I think we have a future together. I have not gotten much out of her, because she might be scared or because she has a lot going on. She quit her job over the summer to pursue medical school. She talks like she may be in school for 10 years! I am slightly intimidated by this because I have heard stories of couples where one is in medical school. Evidently, it is not easy. I have some friends in medical school and I know it is very time-consuming and hard. Even though this might be the case, my feelings for her remain unchanged. However, now, she uses the excuse that she is too busy to date anyone right now. I'm frustrated at this because we dated for two years and we still talk, it's not like I'm some new guy coming along wanting to get to know her. We have known each other for 4.5 years! Still, two years have passed and we still talk and laugh and have fun together when we do have the chance to hang out. The fact she is still willing to talk to me and hang out with me has to say something, right?

She currently lives nearly 400 miles away so it doesn't make it easy to see her. Plus, she has no idea where she will end up for school. I am mobile and willing to relocate (I have a good job, but I don't see myself doing this forever nor living where I live forever). We could end up in the same place or a lot closer in the near future. Her response when I initially told her I see a future with her leaned more heavily on the negative side, but she still left room for the possibility, though a rare possibility. I will see her again in a couple of weeks and I am thinking about just coming out and telling her I love her (pretty heavy I know). Any advice on whether I should do this?

Logically speaking, the cards are stacked against me (distance, the unknowns of location, her negative response, etc.) but I can't put her out of my mind because of these issues. I'm not fully convinced that she doesn't want to be with me again. We are still friends and we still talk and things aren't weird, even after I shared with her how I feel. I don't want to come across as needy or a pansy but I do want to be honest with her. Should I remain persistent or should I give up on her and move on? Any and all advice will be greatly appreciated!

[justin]

I will see her again in a couple of weeks and I am thinking about just coming out and telling her I love her (pretty heavy I know). Any advice on whether I should do this?

Although it sounds like you've already done this, I think it's important to be upfront with her. If you do love her, and want to spend your life with her, you need to tell her -- especially at this point. You've hinted at it -- sometimes not so subtly -- and she hasn't responded in a way that pleases you. It's time to get down to brass taxes, as they say, and express your true feelings. It's only fair that she do the same -- but be prepared to meet some resistance. It might not turn out how you like, but at least you will be out of the limbo between good and bad.

To be honest, it sounds like she is Just Not That Into You. I'm sorry. But please take it (and much of the advice you will find here) with a grain of salt since everything I know about you and your relationship with her is confined to this anonymous messageboard post.

Good luck.

[JimOfferman]

You're stuck in the past... you changed, she changed... you broke off for a reason... from the sound of it, she's not really available for another relationship with you.

You're absolutely free to pursue this if you like, but I would say: move on!

[Evergreen]

I agree with everone else here.

It seems to me that although you seem to be ready to purse a relationship she on the other hand is not ready. Otherwise she would be putting more effort into meeting you half way.

Good luck.

[Tex2008]

Thanks for the advice so far. I was studying for the GMAT tonight and found myself distracted because I was thinking about her. I can understand this if it was a week or two after breaking up but two years? Jim, you could be right, maybe I am stuck in the past and need to move on despite what I am feeling... I'm just not convinced yet that she doesn't have feelings for me, but I could be wrong. Should I just wait for her to say something and drop it until then? She is the type of girl that would not initiate a conversation like this so I highly doubt she will ever bring it up. I almost want her to tell me she never wants to speak to me again for me to be convinced this will never go anywhere... is this being too persistent? I don't want to put my life on hold waiting around and wondering so I think I either need to hit this head on or drop it all together. I don't want to lose her friendship, but I question if staying in touch is healthy if I have feelings for her and she does not. They always say you end up marrying your best friend, but maybe I am buying in to that too much. I am tempted to tell her that if she does not see anything with me then we no longer should talk to each other. Sounds harsh, but it may be the best thing. Should I cut her off completely?

[TonyToneTone]

I said "Yes" before I even read your post. The fact that it has gotten this complicated makes me think it needs to be shut down.

[NightSpirit]

You create the life you want. If you pursue this relationship, she may agree to be with you but it's not likely that the dynamics will change. You will probably always wonder whether she cares for you like you want, even if you're engaged, even if you are married, even if you have children. You may always be asking for reassurance, for more affection, for her to tell you how she really feels and you may always get the same kind of vague but hopeful answers. Some people just approach relationships this way without fully committing.

Men (and women) sometimes see it as a challenge to overcome coolness in another; to win a prize with their efforts. And some people like that puppy dog adoration from others. There are a lot of dating books that tell us to be hard to get, maintain an independent life and not show affection in order to draw out that chase factor in others.

Obviously this is working on you. I am not saying she is doing it deliberately but that maybe there is something in you that needs to win over someone's love and approval. If you are taking the fact that you keep thinking about her as a sign of some deep love, try to reconsider it in the light of your past family relationships or your personality.

I was unsure of my dad's love so the most addictive relationships to me were the one's that started off with the other person being cool, or wild and to be tamed. I am also the type of person that is drawn to a mystery or to solving puzzles, to winning. If you look at other people's unhealthy relationships, you will see the patterns, of one person being a savior or a martyr or a doormat. Only you know whether this is true love you feel but I can tell you that I have found love is better without puzzles, obstacles and games included.

Being in a one-sided or unequal relationship gives us that feeling like we get when we wave at someone and they don't wave back. Usually we think it's because they don't see us so we keep trying to get their attention and a response. But what if they do see us and they still don't acknowledge us? What does that say about their feelings for us? Or about us, if we keep expecting a different response?

Doesn't she already know that you are trying to get her attention? It's likely she does know what you want but she doesn't want the same thing, at least not right now. To her, you may be the male version of the "good for now" person. The way she is responding seems to say she wants to leave her options open for the future, maybe in case she meets another doctor in medical school. Or maybe she just doesn't want to hurt you or create any drama by completely rejecting you and is willing to leave the friendship as it is.

If you love her so much you are willing to wait until she explores the world and possibly comes back to you, then hold on for as long as it takes, maybe another 5 or possibly 10 years, until she's a doctor. I've heard of people that waited their whole lives and finally the object of their affection realized they had been there all the time.

Is that the role you want to play in this? Or do you want to do what she's doing, leave the door open to her but also to other women who might be also be seeking a more mutually satisfying relationship? Whether it's with her or a new woman, I hope you don't settle for less than a relationship where both people are actively pursuing and fully loving each other.

[ZHereford]

Originally Posted by Tex2008

I am tempted to tell her that if she does not see anything with me then we no longer should talk to each other. Sounds harsh, but it may be the best thing. Should I cut her off completely?

Only if that's what you need to do. If you only want one kind of relationship with her, then you have no choice.

On the other hand, you could carry on as you have and drop the expectations. It's obvious that although she cares about you, she is not at all ready to advance this relationship. You are at different points in this and want different things from each other. This happens a lot.

[Epiphany]

Maybe she's just not into you.
Maybe she thinks you're a sure thing.
Maybe you should act like you are seeing somebody else - see what she will do!

[TonyToneTone]

"I am tempted to tell her that if she does not see anything with me then we no longer should talk to each other. Sounds harsh, but it may be the best thing. Should I cut her off completely?"

There is no need for that. Don't give her an ultimatum to force her to like you. Simply go about your day as if she were just a friend. It will get you over her and possibly attract her to you.

[Tex2008]

Thanks again to everyone for the advice. I am out of town this week so I have a lot of downtime in the evenings once I get back to the hotel. Kind of hard not to constantly think about this when I don't have others to distract me.

NightSpirit, you asked if I want to play the role of being "good for now" and if I sort of wanted to do the same thing. I do not, however, I do not want to miss out on opportunities waiting on her to give me something more that may be 10 years from now. At the same time, I can't see myself with anyone else but her. Maybe it's because I have known her for so long, maybe it's because I haven't met anybody I'm interested in. She has every quality I want in a mate except that she is not the best communicator when it comes to serious stuff.

I am thinking about calling her tonight and just telling her I love her and see where the conversation goes.. haven't fully decided yet... but I think I need to get it off my chest... the worst that can happen is she will fully reject me, but then I will know to get on with my life. I'm just not convinced there isn't mutual feelings here... I think it is mostly timing..

[TonyToneTone]

DO NOT and I repeat DO NOT call her and tell her you love her. It might feel good for you for a second as you are releasing that pent up emotion but for her it is just going to throw her off and make things weird. You'll be ready for the call but she'll have no idea or time to prepare for it.

If you want her, do what myself and others have said and distance yourself from her.

[Hot Alpha Female]

Tex2008

I hate to say this. But this is the truth for me. So I'm going to say it.

You gotta love her and leave her.

From what you have said she is getting on and moving on with her life. She is in med sckool and she seems to be happy in the direction that she is going in. Now you've said you have expressed your feelings to her.

Sometimes that works for chicks .. and other times that just commuicates that your needy and insecure and puts us off even more.

So I would say that if you want to win her back, then ironically you have to focus on YOUR LIFE.

She is doing well? What are you doing? Has your life progressed? Spend this time apart to imporve areas in your life or things about yourself which you felt lacking when you were in a relaitonship with her.

Keep up the contact but don't call her all the time. Go enjoy your own life first and then when she sees you going out being a man and doing what you enjoy and love .. then that will be more attractive then simply telling her how you feel all the time.

All the best buddy, keep us updated =)

[evevera]

I think you have your answer already... you said she hasn't given you much after you confessed you liked her.

That tells you she isn't interested and further she's giving you a reason to get over her by bringing up the medical school thing. Girls will drop hints, it's unlikely she'll come out and say she's not itnerested.

Anyway, I agree you should distance yourself, you can't be friends with someone you're in love with, who doesn't love you back. If she changes her mind later, she'll let you know, right now, move on and try to date other people.

You're NOT going to forget about her overnight, but if you don't talk or see her, you WILL eventually get over her.

[Tex2008]

Thanks again to everyone for your advice. It has prevented me from doing something potentially stupid. I have decided to not contact her anymore and drop the whole thing. If she really cares then one day she will let me know, but I am not going to put my life on hold for that.

Now, one more predicament I have in this situation. I invited her to a game a couple of weeks from now. I don't want to burn my friendship with her, but I am debating on whether or not it will be good for us to see each other in a couple of weeks. I am trying to decide if I should tell her not to come... Any advice? Last weekend was fine, we hung out and we didn't have any serious conversations so it was good. But as evevera states, you can't be friends with someone you're in love with. I'm afraid seeing her in a couple of weeks will only put me back to where I started. At the same time, we are friends, and it may be one of the last times I see her for a long time, if ever.

[Hot Alpha Female]

Originally Posted by Tex2008

But as evevera states, you can't be friends with someone you're in love with. I'm afraid seeing her in a couple of weeks will only put me back to where I started. At the same time, we are friends, and it may be one of the last times I see her for a long time, if ever.

Tex .. I know this is hard for you because your feelings are still strong for her. Very understandable.

But what you need is a good ♥♥♥♥♥ slap. But I do that with love =)

SO here is the thing.

Whether or not you see her in a couple of weeks is neither here nor there. The only way in which you are going to have any chance of winning her back is taking the next 6 months or a year to pull yourself together.

Like i said before she is living out her life and by the sounds of it having a dam great time.

What about you?

Don't you deserve the same thing?

Why don't you set some boundaries.

So just say to yourself that you are not going to contact her for the next 3 months or the next month.

Whatever time period is bearable for you at this point in time.

Then this next month or 3 ... go out and live your best life! Go after your dreams, do things you love, spend time on YOURSELF. I dunno go out with your mates and have a good time.

Then after that time period you can drop her a quick 10 min call. She how she is doing.

From havign that month to yourself, you are going to feel a heck of a lot more confident and centered.

Now here is the thing about women.

Look if there was a guy after me ... who I KNEW was into me ... but didnt seem to have everything pulled together. I dunno maybe he was a little needy and insecure.

The to me that wouldn't scream ... omg DATE HIM NOW.

If however ... he stopped hassling me for say a month or 2 ...

I would be like .. hey where did he go?

Then if he called and I talk to him and he sounded great, confident, had direction and was totally not needy about how i felt for him ..

I would be like ... crap crap crap .... This guy is really interesting now ... I wanna spend more time with him.

Women love men .. who know where they are going in life, who have it together and have the confidence and self esteem to challenge them.

So you know what? Maybe try it for a month .. see how it goes ...

Nothing to lose right?

[TonyToneTone]

This last post should be a required reading of EVERY man on Earth who has ever had a girl he fell for and wanted him as "just a friend". It works perfect. Great job!

[Tex2008]

Hot Alpha Female, thanks for the ♥♥♥♥♥ slap! No seriously. Everything you said makes perfect sense. As much as I try not to be needy I know that if I continue on like this I will come across as needy.

My plan is not to call her for a while. I will see her in a few weeks but I'm not going to talk much about it. I know we will have a good time if nothing "serious" is discussed anyways. I'm enjoying my life, but I think a change of job and location will help the situation. I am doing the same thing and living in the same place when we broke up. While I have changed, there is still a lot of the "same" if that makes sense. I'm not fully happy where I live or work (though the money is good) and I believe that is one thing that needs to change.

Thank you again to all for your advice, even if I need a little bit of ♥♥♥♥♥ slapping!

[funchy]

I have to wonder if your sudden commitment isn't because you're either in love with how you thought things were (a romantic memory) -or- because you see her as less available now. People often want what they cannot have. What happens if you put all this energy into getting her to date you again and then you start to remember why it fizzled in the first place? Don't fall in love with a memory.

You moved away, leaving her. You say she was "cold". Perhaps she was just really hurt you left her behind? And if she's a little cold now, it may be she's guarded after being hurt badly once already. Or perhaps she simply isn't able to make a huge commitment to another person when she's married to attaining her vocation.

You left her to pursue your career. You got to enjoy that for awhile and now you're ready to settle down. She is just now *starting* school. It is a 10 year commitment to go to school to become a MD. Also expect her to be working odd hours, very little free time, and a different circle of friends. If you're ready to settle down with someone right now, is she right now the right choice for you? Will you really be happy trying to turn this hardworking med student into your wife when right now her first priority needs to be her school? Will you resent it when she's not home night after night after night?

I'm not against you speaking your feelings. But be really darn sure this is what you really want and need.

[Tex2008]

Hey everyone... Thank you for the advice and insight. Just an update for everyone.

So I saw her this past weekend. We hung out Friday night and all day Saturday. We had a good time and laughed and there was no tension. We even reminisced on dumb / silly things that happened to us while we dated. Some of the dumb or goofy things I did when we dated, we both now laugh at. I did not bring anything up about us getting back together, but I dropped a few hints here and there, expecting no response. In fact, the situation was such that I could drop the hint in a very light-hearted manner. So needless to say it was a fun, drama-free weekend and it was good to see her again.

We do not have any plans right now to see each other in the near future. She lives hundreds of miles away and she is busy with getting her prerequisites out of the way to get into medical school. I believe she is the person I want to spend my life with, but circumstances have proven me wrong in the past. I am not a social introvert and I enjoy hanging out with people and I have numerous friends that are girls. I just can't really bring myself to date any of them when there is her. So I am either convinced and want to focus my efforts on her or I am stuck in the past as funchy mentioned and I am missing out on opportunities. This is why I am seeking advice.

The question I have now is "where do I go from here?" Numerous people have suggested that I wait 6 months to a year to contact her. While I know she is not ready to get back into a relationship with me (and may never be) we are good friends. Our parents know each other and we spent time with both sets of parents when we dated. We both have the same religious beliefs and political viewpoints, so there is much more there than just attraction. In the 2 years we dated, we never got into a huge argument and we were able to maintain our independence of each other. They say actions speak louder than words... can I send her flowers from time to time, or cards wishing her good luck on her tests... can I invite her to friends' weddings... or should I just back out completely and wait for her to say something to me? She did say she would let me know if she changes her mind....

Again, I appreciate everyone's advice and I hope everyone is doing well. Hot Alpha Female, you may have to come to Texas and physically ♥♥♥♥♥ slap me! ;-)

[Tex2008]

Hey guys,

So over a year later... I last spoke to this person January 2009. At that time, she told me she could not see herself dating or marrying anyone. I found out she started dating someone in April. At that time I asked her to not contact me any longer. She would always contact me out of the blue, I would not. However, being a sucker and thinking there was a deeper meaning behind it, I would talk to her. I finally got tired of shredding my dignity to this person and it got to be embarrasing. I found out a while back that she is getting married to this person this Saturday. Oh well... I tried... Thanks for the advice. Need to go drink now.

[Captain Drywall]

Gee Tex, i read your post. You didnt mention if she was a good cook. Or if you wanted kids. If you wanted a woman to live on your salary or both. I got married at 18 i really wish i had better idea of what i wanted in a wife. Let me tell you a student would make a crappy wife. It takes alot more than a feeling when choosing a life partner. Its not romantic. but as grandma use to say men take longer picking a new hunting dog than they do a wife.