Is your significant other unwilling to grow with you?

[justin]

My S.O. and I have been together for over five years, and everything has been fairly normal in our relationship. We have the regular ups and downs, but one major difference is she shows very few signs that she has any interest in growing herself or our relationship. (I'm sure there are differences on my side, too, of course.) Especially as of late, I notice that she (and we) have been in a bit of a stagnant rut. She has a job she doesn't like and isn't willing to take action to rectify the situation, and our time spent together has lost its zest. I approached her to talk about the situation, and offer any help to help her (and us), but this is where things went sour.

She is very resistant to growth, and assumes anytime I want to talk about bettering our relationship that something is wrong in the first place. I reassure her that nothing is wrong, per se, but that we should always seek to grow, even when we feel things couldn't get any better. She's very resistant to this, and it's waring on me. I get the feeling that she's resistant to even talking about this because it means she will have to be truthful with herself and take action, and this causes even more stress. I mentioned this, but she neither confirmed nor denied.

What are some ways to handle this situation? I don't want to break up with her -- we are getting close to the point of marriage -- but I also want to be in a satisfying relationship. Is this something that I should overlook as a part of her personality? I don't want her to be exactly like me, of course, and I'm not asking her to change anything in particular, only to put forth extra effort into making our relationship special. This seems like a reasonable request.

[duffy123]

Maybe she just needs time to decide what to do. Before she can find another job, she has to decide what to do, maybe that's her problem. Growing together is almost the same as talking about what matters in live and I think a job should not be the most important thing in live. When it makes her unhappy you have to find out why and just listen to her. Maybe that can help her more than any advise at all.
You should always put effort into a relationship to keep it healthy, keep talking is the most important advise.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by justin

...nothing is wrong, per se, but that we should always seek to grow, even when we feel things couldn't get any better. She's very resistant to this, and it's waring on me.

Justin, I can certainly understand your desire for a partner whose commitment to personal growth matches or at least approaches your own, and how you would be frustrated in this situation.

Consider this: when you talk about "bettering" the relationship, she senses something is wrong, and you tell her that nothing is wrong. Except for that small matter of your belief that "we should always seek to grow," and she's not always seeking to grow, so she's not doing what you think she *should* be doing. Other than that, nothing's wrong.

You're thinking about marrying this woman, and at the same time, you are resisting, not accepting, her exactly as she is and exactly as she isn't; also you are declaring that she is the one in the relationship who is being resistant. Well, you may be right, but if you'd like to make a difference, I would suggest taking 100% responsibility and acknowledging that you are the person who actually has something to let go of that would make a difference, and practice accepting her exactly as she is and exactly as she isn't, or let her go with love.

Now, maybe when I say that, you hear "I should just give up and accept that my relationship will be stagnant" -- but that's not what I'm saying at all. Of course you have desires, hopes and preferences in this important relationship. And remember: in relationship, the only changes for you to make are changes to yourself. If you have a preference that is not being satisfied, try taking a look at how you yourself are being stopped in effecting that preference, and make an adjustment. It's not your job to change her or make her choices for her. But you can certainly adjust your own course and thereby steer and even lead the course of the relationship.

Trying to lead her by changing her, though, is only going to rob her and you of freedom and eventually love. Your satisfaction and fulfillment would be completely dependent on her thoughts and actions, and that is a great way to build an unhappy relationship!

The good news is that you have all the power in the world to be a leader here, and to nourish your relationship. One possible way to approach it would be to tell her:

"You know, Bertha, it has finally gotten through my thick skull that I was making you uncomfortable by telling you what our relationship, or what you, *should* be. When you sensed something was wrong, you were right! And I am very sorry for not getting that until now. Who you are is the perfect match for me, exactly as you are and exactly as you're not, and I apologize for pressuring you to do anything other than what you freely choose. I love you very much, and I want for you to feel free and peaceful and enthusiastic in our relationship.

And -- I think you know it's important to me to focus on personal growth, and it would mean the world to me if you would join me in my efforts, because our relationship is the most important one in my life for me to nurture and build and make as strong as possible. I think it would be very fun and rewarding for both of us. I can see how I've made it seem like a demand rather than a request, and I can see why you would resist such a demand. And I want you to know that my love for you is not conditional on your being or doing anything at all -- I love you and respect your choices, and I am committed to you.

I have a few specific ideas, and I'd love to hear yours. I would also love to hear everything you have to say about what you'd like us to be generating in our marriage, including anything you'd prefer to have present that's not present now. Would you please tell me your thoughts on all this?"

Then really generously listen to what she says, letting go of judgement or resistance.

There are other approaches, of course -- this is just how I might handle it. I think romantic relationships are an opportunity to find out how generous and loving I can be. What do you think?

[justin]

Hi Angela, thanks for your thoughtful response.

You hit the nail on the head on many issues, and I thank you for that. In writing out my question, it allowed me to see my situation more clearly, and I knew that there were holes in my reasoning. I chose to continue to post my question because I didn't know what, exactly, those holes were, and was hoping someone could help me locate them. You did just that, and I thank you.

And how'd you know her name was Bertha?

[Dan.Linehan]

Grow without her would be my advice.

You two will either continue to resonate, or you won't..

[Dan.Linehan]

Also, Angela is spot on about acceptance.

Your S.O. wants you to her accept and love her for who she is. Just like you probably want her to accept and love you with all your ambitions.