"Just Friends"

[Liminal Chris]

Okay, I need some advice because I am not sure what to do.

Back in College, I "hung out" with this girl for a few monthes. I would say date, but it wasn't that serious. At that point in my life, I generally wasn't looking for anything permanent. Anyways one night she was at a bar, and someone else kissed her. Basically, word got back to me and something had been lost in translation. I was pissed (and immature), so instead of talking about it with her, I just stopped talking to her all together. Total silent treatment.

Fast forward two years, I graduated and was visiting my college and I ran into her. Something inside me made me talk to her, anyways she tore me a new one. We talked it about it and hashed it out, both lamenting that this conversation didn't happen two years ago.

So a month later, she starts IMing me and Texting me and lets me know shes moving down to my area. In fact, she's moving 5 minutes away from where I live. So she moves down, we hang out more, and somewhere along the way I developed feelings for her. she's beautiful, smart, funny, and fun. She's the full package, and I'm pretty picky. However, I'm swamped with law school and work. Anyways, I let her know how I feel; and she gives me the "I'm torn. I like you a lot but... Let's just be friends".

Needless to say, I was crushed. I didn't exactly know how to approach the situation. It's actually the first time I have been flat out rejected, and maybe I'm an idiot but I didn't see it coming til after it happened, then hindsight was 20/20.

She wanted to know if we could still be friends and basically the only thing I could say was that I do want to be friends with her, but I don't think I do that right now. It will take time.

Anyways, I am not sure if thats a smart idea anyways. I mean I feel like being around her is just going to be a constant downer for me. Being stuck in the friend zone with a girl you really like is torture, but at the same time, I really like her.

I'm torn, and I need some advice, thanks

[MSC2471]

Liminal Chris: Been in the "just friends" zone throughout high school and college life before I met my wife when I was 28. I had to decide if I could handle being just friends or if I knew in my head and heart that I would obsess about not having the person as more than friends. If it consumes you day and night and you can't get the thoughts out of your mind, then you probably can't handle being just friends with this woman.

You did state you have a full life with work and law school, so I think the possibility exists that you could be a friend with her because your needs are split between personal goals, commitments to school/ work as well as socializing.

I have found that the best relationships come out of letting life just go day to day. I never expected to get married and within a week of meeting my wife I knew she was the one for me- even though most of my previous relationships never moved beyond the 3-4 date stage. We've been married now for 7 years...

Keep us posted and good luck on your relationship.

Matt

[sidsavara]

Either go after her, or let her go. If she isn't ready for a relationshipw ith you, and you're not ready to be just friends with her, it's better for both of you to just take some time apart to grow. Otherwise you'll have this constant tension - she won't be happy whenever you try to take it further, and you won't be happy hanging out being just friends, because you'll always wonder if it could go anywhere.

[Dannyboy1]

Originally Posted by Liminal Chris

So a month later, she starts IMing me and Texting me and lets me know shes moving down to my area. In fact, she's moving 5 minutes away from where I live. So she moves down, we hang out more, and somewhere along the way I developed feelings for her. she's beautiful, smart, funny, and fun. She's the full package, and I'm pretty picky. However, I'm swamped with law school and work. Anyways, I let her know how I feel; and she gives me the "I'm torn. I like you a lot but... Let's just be friends".

Needless to say, I was crushed. I didn't exactly know how to approach the situation. It's actually the first time I have been flat out rejected, and maybe I'm an idiot but I didn't see it coming til after it happened, then hindsight was 20/20.

She wanted to know if we could still be friends and basically the only thing I could say was that I do want to be friends with her, but I don't think I do that right now. It will take time.

You seem like a smart guy. Trust me. Don't waste your time. Women do this all the time, especially in their 20's. She'll flirt and string you along forever. It's not worth the agony and false hope. You may be able to be friends later when you have a girlfriend, but not now. I know, I know... she REALLY cares about you... same sob story every time. They make you feel like you WILL be the one someday, but it will never happen. No offense. It's not your fault. It happens to all of us at some point. You just need to be smart enough to not waste your time and put yourself through hell.

[robc]

Originally Posted by Liminal Chris

Okay, I need some advice because I am not sure what to do.

Back in College, I "hung out" with this girl for a few monthes. I would say date, but it wasn't that serious. At that point in my life, I generally wasn't looking for anything permanent. Anyways one night she was at a bar, and someone else kissed her. Basically, word got back to me and something had been lost in translation. I was pissed (and immature), so instead of talking about it with her, I just stopped talking to her all together. Total silent treatment.

Fast forward two years, I graduated and was visiting my college and I ran into her. Something inside me made me talk to her, anyways she tore me a new one. We talked it about it and hashed it out, both lamenting that this conversation didn't happen two years ago.

So a month later, she starts IMing me and Texting me and lets me know shes moving down to my area. In fact, she's moving 5 minutes away from where I live. So she moves down, we hang out more, and somewhere along the way I developed feelings for her. she's beautiful, smart, funny, and fun. She's the full package, and I'm pretty picky. However, I'm swamped with law school and work. Anyways, I let her know how I feel; and she gives me the "I'm torn. I like you a lot but... Let's just be friends".

Needless to say, I was crushed. I didn't exactly know how to approach the situation. It's actually the first time I have been flat out rejected, and maybe I'm an idiot but I didn't see it coming til after it happened, then hindsight was 20/20.

She wanted to know if we could still be friends and basically the only thing I could say was that I do want to be friends with her, but I don't think I do that right now. It will take time.

Anyways, I am not sure if thats a smart idea anyways. I mean I feel like being around her is just going to be a constant downer for me. Being stuck in the friend zone with a girl you really like is torture, but at the same time, I really like her.

I'm torn, and I need some advice, thanks

Since you're sitting on the fence on this one and asking for input, let's see if she is messing with you or has any intentions to do something with you.

BTW - just my personal opinion, you shouldn't have spilled the beans and told her you had feelings for her and all that. Always let her start that conversation and let her fill you in on her feelings - you basically set yourself up for that fall.

Play the little to no contact game. If she texts you, limit your responses, don't get detailed, just say "Hi, got to go, busy right now", stuff like that. Don't be taking her out for lunch, dinner, buying gifts to show her you like her, etc. Do your own thing and keep busy. If you have time in your busy schedule, date a bit, nothing serious but get out there and enjoy yourself - limiting your contact with her and showing her that you are seeing other people and living a full life gives her the message that you have alot of value and you aren't sitting in your room thinking about her all day. If she is into you, she'll come around and let you know and at that point, you will be determining if want to pursue a relationship with her or not and at that point, maybe you won't.

Starting a post on this website about this girl and this experience tells me you still have a pretty strong attraction towards this girl, which is cool, just don't let her know that. If she knows that, it basically kills the attraction, she knows she can have you at any time and that really brings down her perception of your value.

Being just friends with a girl that you are really attracted to and have feelings for is pretty much communicating to her that have no value and will take what she gives you - not a good message for you or her plus it would be a constant daily reminder of what you don't have in your life and nobody needs that.

Good Luck bro, let us know what happens next.

[Liminal Chris]

Originally Posted by robc

If she knows that, it basically kills the attraction, she knows she can have you at any time and that really brings down her perception of your value.

I totally see what you're saying, and I think you might be right.

Like I said I am swamped between Work and School, my social life is taking a huge hit. I guess one of the things that's compounding my problem is that I don't see a way out. I mean between work and law school, I'm putting in twelve hour days Mon-Thurs. Friday through Sunday, I am pre-emptively getting work done or catching up. I try and make time to go out, but its a lot easier said than done. Not to mention, I am not exactly a social butterfly to begin with (I'm no wallflower either). However, it's just not in my character to go out of my way to introduce myself to people.

And this situation isn't going to change for at least another four years, which like I said compounds the problem since I think I am viewing this as my last shot at something significant for awhile. All in all, the whole situation is pretty depressing.

**edit**

I forgot to thank you guys for the advice. I'm still not sure how I am going to play it, but your opinions are definately helpful.

[TonyToneTone]

robc just came correct with that post. I was starting to write something but stopped to see what others had written and robc has pretty much said everything I wanted to say and then some. Good stuff! and thanks for the reminder. I especially liked this:

Always let her start that conversation and let her fill you in on her feelings - you basically set yourself up for that fall.

[andrew]

This is a relationship strung out over how many years, and then "she moves down, we hang out more, and somewhere along the way I developed feelings for her"?

I know it's a strong feeling you have, and it's a lot of time invested, but just stop, and take this as a lesson and learn from it; there's no such thing as failure, only feedback. It's unfortunate it happened with this girl, but you might as well find a few other girls to date, if nothing else to enjoy and get your mind off of her.

It's apparent you're really intelligent, and I think there's also a lot that you need to discover about this area of life. Not to "win her back", but to enable you, because you don't since you'll begin to sometime soon or maybe a little longer, realize that you don't need her do you? That if she want's to miss out on a great time, that's her loss since there are plenty of other people out there, that with your new learnings can even better, since you know that your happiness isn't dependent on the "rulings" of a girl, but found inside of you know that you can easily and effortlessly move on now, and take the insights from this experience and find in the future, looking back to a few months from now, allowed yourself to really flourish with your next relationships, aren't you?

The most important thing is to not get hung up with it. What's the easiest way to extinguish a fire? Prevent it. The best way to deal with this kind of situation is to know how to avoid it in the first place, and I think you've learned how to do that now, haven't you?

Make good luck!

[Rose of Cairo]

Hey Chris,

you obviously don't want to be friends with her, you want something else. So why would you waste your time and energy being friends with her? This would not be a genuine friendship anyway.

All the best to you