I don't know how to defend myself

[CroMagna]

I have always been a very passive, quiet girl. People have definitely seized the opportunity to take advantage of that, including strangers, boyfriends, family members, teachers, police officers, employers, co-workers, and so-called friends, who have lashed out at me unprovoked or publicly ridiculed me. I have lost almost every single argument I have had. In middle school, high school, college, and even at my first job in the real world, I was bullied, mostly by urban blacks. I wish I had a wild, aggressive temper like the ghetto girls so I could put people in their place before they put me in mine, not to play offense, just defense. But that's unrealistic, I will never be "street", I don't even have the right accent. It doesn't come naturally.

I'm not sure how else to deal with controlling bullies. All I know how to do is just avoid people. Is that cowardly? I heard aggression is a learned behavior. Is there a way to learn aggression or at least fake an aggressive demeanor? I would love to learn that.

[Plato]

I recommend stabbing the buggers in the eye with a fork. (I'm walking the tightrope I know, but honestly, my intentions are pure Cro, and I hope you're laughing. If you're not, ooops!)

You don't need to be agressive. I know you don't like this but just as an experiment, try imagining you want to help everybody happier. It sounds like a backwards approach, but I guarantee that after a while you'll find The Line. When people cross it you'll feel comfortable letting them know in an assertive but not reactive manner that their behaviour is not cool. People naturally test other people to find their boundaries... if you don't let them know in a non reactive manner when they've crossed it, they'll keep pushing and pushing, to try and find your boundary. Aiming to make other people happy will remind you of your value. Promise.

[pterodactyl]

Bullying usually doesn't happen suddenly; in most cases, you can nearly always discern someone's intentions toward you before they act. Practice paying closer attention to your surroundings and to the people in your surroundings, and get familiar with the preliminary signs of aggression before you become a victim. I think you should definitely take a self-defense class! You mentioned also that you have lost most of the arguments you have had. If you can, take a debate class or a Toastmaster's meeting which will help you learn how to think on your feet in a non-threatening environment. IF you learn how to debate effectively, you will not lose most arguments.

Finally, try to change your outlook and perspective on life and the people in it. How is feeling like a victim serving you? Gather images of strength in your mind and focus on appropriating that strength whenever you feel low. I once put a picture of an African lioness as my background image on my laptop when I was trying to foster courage and needed help. Doing so reminded me to keep cultivating my strength.

Yes, others may be against you now, and they will certainly be against you in the future. That's a fact of life. You can keep them from harming you by becoming a person who isn't easily victimized. Learn to protect yourself physically, mentally and emotionally. You owe it to yourself to take action.

To deal with bullies immediately, the first thing you can do is stand up straight whenever they approach. Put your emotions aside and identify who is in charge and has the 'ultimate' authority (e.g. boss if this is in your workplace, police officer or call 9-11 if you are accosted, etc.) and take your concerns to them. Explain your situation in a very fact-based manner without becoming emotional. If this is your workplace, explain how the behavior of these people toward you is keeping you from working effectively and is breeding negativity in the work environment, which is bad for business. To the bullies, if they are really bad, do avoid them and always seek to go above their heads if possible. If they are merely gossipy/snippy women, tell them straight up that you don't appreciate their behavior, and ask them to stop. If they mock you or don't agree, take the matter to human resources and your boss, and pursue it aggressively. Send a clear message to these people that their behavior is not acceptable; if they have physically assaulted you or sabotaged your work then that's grounds for dismissal in most workplaces and you should pursue that.

Take back the little things by setting very clear boundaries for how you are to be treated, and enforce them. YOU are in control of how others treat you. Start to insist on respect and you will see interesting results in your life.

[Chris Cade]

I've put together a free ebook called "The Self Empowerment Guidebook" that has a bunch of articles and discussion about self empowerment from different perspectives and people.

If you're interested, just PM me and I'll send you the URL to get it.

[JimOfferman]

Confidence is the only defense against bullies. It is the one thing that they lack, which is why they bully in the first place: by putting you down, they get to feel good about themselves, if only for the briefest of moments.

Stand up, not physically, but mentally.

You are stronger than them.

[CroMagna]

Originally Posted by Chris Cade

I've put together a free ebook called "The Self Empowerment Guidebook" that has a bunch of articles and discussion about self empowerment from different perspectives and people.

If you're interested, just PM me and I'll send you the URL to get it.

Yes, please send it to me. I'll PM you

[Holistic Star]

Hi Cro,

I'll have to teach you the British way of cutting someone down to size with nothing more than a raised eyebrow and a little snooty distain!

I used to be very passive and on the receiving end of negativity from various people. When I was doing my teacher training the kids ran amok sometimes in my class in the early days. Until my mentor teacher taught me that when I was telling someone off I just had to think "I'm in charge here, you won't get the better of me." You don't say it, just think it. I since found out it doesn't only work with kids, it works with adults too. Somehow thinking those kinds of thoughts and doing what I call 'the look' lets people know that you're not to be messed with. You don't even need to say anything! I hardly ever use it, but it's there to be pulled out of the bag if I need it.

Seriously, being aggressive isn't cool. Being cool, collected and confident is cool. Don't go down to the level of bullies, rise above it. Dignity is so much better than faking aggressiveness.


ps - what kinds of arguments are you having? I don't bother arguing with people. If others are interesting in discussing ideas brilliant. If they are just entrenched in their views and the person has no interest in learning anything new (or if it is just verbal abuse) then I think of this quote

"Never argue with a fool, onlookers may not be able to tell the difference”

and leave them to it.

[Lucid Dreamer]

Originally Posted by Holistic Star

Hi Cro,

I'll have to teach you the British way of cutting someone down to size with nothing more than a raised eyebrow and a little snooty distain!

Heh! I've got it down to a fine art. Works like a charm!

My view is that you have a problem with assertiveness. I've always had no problem dealing with bullies because, when I've been exposed to them, in my mind I'm saying the mantra: "You're not getting the better of me! You're not getting the better of me!" And I put myself in a "it's me-or-you" frame of mind which does not allow me to back down under any circumstances. Believe me, when people see you're not going to back down, they leave you alone.

That said, I've always been an absolute wimp when it comes to friends and family. I could never say no because I always felt guilty and I was brought up to be a nice girl. So I was really angry all the time because I knew people were taking advantage of me.

What I did was read a couple of assertiveness training books, one especially geared to women, and they helped tremendously. I still consciously use assertiveness techniques to this day, especially when I'm exposed to pushy salespeople who won't take no for an answer. The trick is to just repeat the same phrase (eg. "Sorry, I'm not interested.") over and over again no matter what they say, even if they try to draw you into conversation. I've said it up to 6 times before they gave up. Just don't give in to them before they give up! You'll be able to observe blatant, no-holds-barred manipulation in action.

Hope this helps.

[Hot Alpha Female]

I think Lucid Dreamer provides a very good answer!

I think lack of assertiveness comes from a self confidence aspect. There are plenty of softer natured girls that I know with beautiful feminine personalities, yet they absolutely respect themselves and value their self worth so when someone does something or says something that may provoke them ... it seriously does not affect them, or they have the assertivesss to earn their own respect.

Now i not saying you have low confidence or anything. We all have moments of self doubt and worry. But maybe if you work on your confidence a bit, talk to some assertive and confident people and read a couple of books you can maybe learn something and apply those things that will work ...

The you will start to find that these situations won't even appear in yoru life, because you earn the respect of people from the get go.

[funchy]

I have a different idea: refuse to see it as me-versus-you. It's NOT a battle and there is no "winner". When someone tries to bully you, ignore them and keep going. By refusing to engage in a confrontation, you take away their power.

Talking "street" just sounds silly to me. It sounds like something Vanilla Ice would try to do. Don't try to be more like them. Be yourself. Maybe some of the "street thug"-mentality people are picking on you because they see you're not caught up in their silly game of egos and street "cred".

I have something for you to look up: google "passive leadership". It's the concept that one can be passive and still get what he/she wants & lead their peers. Leaders aren't the most aggressive people in society. The most aggressive people end up in jail, receive a restraining order for spousal abuse, or get fired from jobs for having anger problems. The true leaders have confidence, restraint, and intelligence.

Can you identify with anyone in your community who has some traits that you admire? Success, achievement, charisma, good philosophy, etc. ? Instead of trying to pull yourself down to the "street" level, elevate yourself by aspiring to be like the successful role moles you identify with.

[ellie]

Originally Posted by JimOfferman

Confidence is the only defense against bullies. It is the one thing that they lack, which is why they bully in the first place: by putting you down, they get to feel good about themselves, if only for the briefest of moments.

Stand up, not physically, but mentally.

You are stronger than them.

Yes what Jim says!

I've been a weakling for years. Naturally I am a fighter, I hate injustice, I argue, I don't fall to peer presure, but something happened that took that natural way of thinking from me.

It took a lot of courage but I finally started speaking my mind again when I was approached by bullies. Since doing so I have had far less encounters with these type of people and my confidence has grown. It's all about facing your fears. You know you need to stand up to the bullies, it's just getting to that point where you have the courage to speak-up which is the really, really hard part.

When you don't stand-up for yourself, your chipping away at your self confidence, which in the long run is not helping you at all.

[TonyToneTone]

CroMagna,

I would recommend first that you learn how to defend yourself physically then mentally. As you learn to be more aggressive and confident physically, it will translate over to other parts of your life. You could join a good kickboxing or Muay Thai (kickboxing from Thailand) gym and learn how to kick butt.

Also, every time you have an experience that didn't go as you would have liked, you can visualize in your head how you would have liked it to go. After some time you will start developing better ways of handling difficult people as you will have rehearsed it so many times in your mind.

Lastly, there are A LOT of good books on assertiveness that you can pick up at your local Barnes and Noble. They will walk you through the steps to becoming more confident and assertive.

[zacky11]

yeah i agree! you have first to defend yourself physically then mentally.Once you already know how to defend yourself physically that is the time you will start or you will know how to defend yourself for what ever circumstances!

[Andrew Gubb]

maybe move somewhere where people aren't "street"??

[Andrew Gubb]

I just realised how old this thread is. How did it all work out, CroMagna?

[Perry M]

Although confidence is good understanding goes a lot further.
What I mean is when you have to defend yourself it only gives you a temporary feeling of power. People might treat you better if they fear you but you are not really solving the problem.

If you want to solve the problem effectively you have to know what the cause of the problem is. People only act that way towards you because they are afraid of being hurt. Yes it's selfish and wrong but you can't change them. It's their God given freedom to be jerks.

Here is what I would recommend. Try to get to know them and find out why they act like that. Help them if you can. You don't have to be a doormat, but you can be helpful, you can listen to them and be more open minded. Accept the consequences of your own choices. Are you possibly contributing to this problem?

[rawxstasy]

People sense your low self confidence and figure you are an easy target that won't fight back. I used to get picked on and laughed at and made fun of. People having a bad day, took out their anger on me. This all changed when I gained more self confidence. I stand up straight. I look people in the eye.

People have always said I am so nice and sweet. And I still have that personality to a degree. But now I think people get a sense to not mess with me.... some have tried, and found out that I won't put up with it.

I think the more you stand up for yourself, the braver you will feel and people will get the message. If you find you are losing arguments, I would say something like - why are you doing this? Why are you being so ( insert adjective) Is this how you treat people you care about? I did this with my mom alot when I was scared of her and didn't know how to fight back. It helped somewhat, rather than just taking whatever it was she was dishing out.