Living at home again. Is it a good idea?

[sixx1984]

My problem is this.

I'm 24 and for the past 2 years I have lived away from home. In fact, I've not even been in the same country as my parents. My mother is quite controlling and in order to get her own way she would do all sorts of nasty things. So needless to say, I was glad to get so far away from her!

Our relationship really improved when I left and when we did see each other (only for a week or so at a time), it was really great.

However, myself and my partner are having some financial difficulties right now and we are speaking about me moving back home for only a short while (around 8 months starting February next year) to work and earn some cash to get ourselves sorted out and then we would live together again. My parents are fine with this.

I am at home just now because my partner was sent away with work for a while and I didn't want to be left on my own in a foreign country since I have no life there.

In those 2 years away, I really discovered who I was and the sort of things I liked/didn't like and I learned a lot about the world and developed my own ways of doing things and my own opinions. When I lived at home I was so controlled by my mother that I had no individuality - now I do. My mother isn't happy about this. Just today she has been in a mood with me because she didn't like what I was wearing and I refused to change. I wasn't wearing anything inappropriate (i wasn't showing any skin at all apart from face and hands) - in fact it was the kind of thing many women my age wear - it was fashionable. She has barely spoken a word to me because I didn't do what she said. She's been so cold towards me.

I fear that there will be many more moments like this. My individuality coming out - she taking offense to it - me refusing to change for her - and then she gives me the silent treatment or worse for a few days. This happened on a regular basis when I lived at home before. I remember once my mum refused to speak to me for 3 days because I didn't want to eat my birthday cake when she wanted me to because I was in the middle of dying my hair!!! She treats me like I'm a monster for the most trivial of things!

I am a stronger person now. I don't need her approval for everything I do. I don't back down so easily. However, I'm afraid that moving back home will be a bad idea and but I really need to work.

My mother is not the sort of person that I can talk to about this. She doesn't see anything wrong with the way she acts or her attitude towards things. She always believes it's everyone else who needs to change. I can guess some of the reasons she acts the way she does - but it doesn't make it any easier to deal with. Regularly, when she's in a huff with me, I get told that I'm a terrible person, people don't like me, I'm selfish, controlling, self-centred, lazy, etc... I've been told this so many times that I developed a fear of being around people because they'd just hate me, I have no confidence or self-esteem and I've only recently sort of come to terms with the fact that I'm actually a good worthwhile human being. I no longer try to destroy myself - whenever she ignored me I would stop eating until things were ok again - I realise this was stupid and don't do it anymore. I'm going to get therapy when I can afford it, but for now I'm on my own.

My question is this. I hope that my story above was clear enough - is it worth suffering through all the bad treatments again just to earn some much needed cash - or should I just stay well away from home and live with my debts for now?

If I do move home - since I am an independent person now - should I still need to ask my parents if I can go out - or should I just tell them I'm off out? Do I still need their permission to do anything (I mean anything except things that happen within the house)? Should I just continue being myself and leave my mother to her strops? Or should I completely go back to how things were before I moved out and be the person she wants me to be to keep the peace? And how can I remain strong enough so I don't undo all my hard work over the past 2 years getting myself mental healthy (undoing all the damage she caused)?

Obviously I will help out with housework and general about the house things. But apart from that, how should I act? Who should I be?

Thanks

[Akashic_Librarian]

You should be you. You should be respectful of course. But you should also remain independent. Don't get sucked into feeling guilty from that old line "After all the things we've done for you..."

[aelle]

Your relationship with your parents is unique and only you can make this decision, but from what you write going back to your parents would mean a very difficult period.

My situation has similarities with yours: I was on the other side of the world and completely independent from my parents for a year and a half, now I'm back at their place to finish my studies. If I didn't have classes 8-6 plus homework every day, I can assure you I would have moved out. My parents do treat me like an adult (ie, I don't need permission to go out) but that's not a given. On top of all the constraints of living with other adults (bathroom schedule, bickering about who finished something and didn't replace it, or whose turn it is to clean the appartment), I don't have an equal-to-equal relationship with them as I would have with roommates. I think that's pretty natural.

I was going to post in the "long distance" thread that being away from your partner for a while can be an opportunity to grow on your own, to explore parts of your development you put on hold or haven't thought of because they didn't fit with the compromises of couple life. Going back to your parents can be quite infantilising and making that all the more difficult. On top of that, I assume your partner is going to want to visit during these 8 months... You can probably imagine intimacy is not going to be great under your parents' roof.

Honestly, I would look into ways of staying somewhere else for cheap. I understand the need to put money aside, but if it comes at the cost of fighting for everything you've achieved as an adult, it's not worth it. How about renting a room from more well-off siblings or friends? Sharing a place with flatmates? Working overtime, or getting a second job?

[Parthon]

It sees like a challenge between your new found strength, and the old patterns of your life that are still there, but dormant. You've definately come a long way and you sound like a great person, but you might not be strong enough to take a stand in front of your mum like you'd need to. She probably just wants the best for you, but her views are clouded by her own values and judgements.

If I was in your position, I wouldn't move back home. I'd find somewhere to live cheaply, and work on improving the relationship at a distance. The main reason why you don't want to live back home is not because your mum would have more influence, but because she'd have more power. If she gets scared when she could be losing, she might get defensive and try and use her formal mother authority to force a ruling, and that would permanently and negatively affect the relationship.

In this case your doubts are probably justified. Good luck to you either way.

[sixx1984]

Thank you to everyone for your replies. It is going to be quite a tough decision to make.

Unfortunately where I live in the world, there is no such thing as cheap accommodation! We have some of the most expensive housing in my country. Rent is horrendously expensive. The "cheap" places are in the nasty parts of town which I would definitely not feel safe living in (feeling safe is important to me). And unfortunately, none of my friends are in a position where they can change their living arrangements to share a flat with me.

My partner does own a flat in my area, but he rents it out. If I wanted to live there, I would have to wait till next July. Even though I would only have to pay him enough to cover the mortgage (he would not charge me the extortionate rent) it would still defeat the point of me moving home to earn money. I would only be looking for part time work since I am also a student (long distance/home learning), so I most likely will not be earning enough to cover a mortgage and sort out my money troubles. My partner may be up for paying a bit towards some of the mortgage, but then he is trying to save also for our future. I will ask him about that possibility, but it ultimately depends on how much I will be earning.

For a long distance relationship - I think aelle is right - intimacy is not going to be great under my parents roof. It's a very small house and 5 people live there including a cat and a big dog! We have had a lot of intimacy issues in the past, and we've really just started to move past that and we're very happy now. It would be a shame to risk going back to square one again.

The past few days at home have been a bit weird. This morning, I tried to be helpful and put a load of washing in the machine that my mum was planning on doing. I felt great for doing something for her. But she came through to my room told me all the reasons why it was wrong for me to have done that and I've messed up her laundry routine. I didn't even get a "but thanks for trying". I told her, well whats done is done - it will just have to be dealt with. Now she's been a bit cold towards me all day. Her coldness doesn't bother me as much as it used to - but it still annoys me that I never know where I stand with her and most of the time I never even know why she's so upset with me. It's just me she treats like this though. She treats my two younger brothers (ages 17 and 18) like gods. She dotes on them 24/7. They treat her so badly sometimes and she just takes it. Then I try to help with the laundry and get treated like I've just murdered the cat!

But then if I didn't do the laundry it would have been "you're so lazy, you never help out, you're so selfish.....". I just can't win!

[Dan.Linehan]

Originally Posted by sixx1984

She has barely spoken a word to me because I didn't do what she said. She's been so cold towards me.

I wouldn't live with her.

[ns123]

it sounds to me that you have these options:

1. move in with your mom, but suffer her presence. You could probably get through this, but you'd have a terrible time there.

2. live somewhere unsafe but you can afford.

3. is there some other solution?

You already ruled out option 2. You can't do it. I would never do option 1 myself, that's just setting myself up for misery.

Is there a third solution? Could you move somewhere cheaper? Even if it's being by yourself for 8 months? Is being by yourself better than being with your mom? Is it really true there really is no other affordable housing there?

I encourage you to look for a more creative third solution. It is out there. Clear your head, ask the universe for direction, and sit back, be present, and observe. Some new option may be revealed for you that you have not thought of before.

[sixx1984]

I am trying to think of a third option. Believe me... I am!!!

I was considering asking my boyfriend if he would let me live in his flat but help me pay the mortgage on it - so I wasn't stuck with it all and still making no money. But I'd completely forgotten that it's not just rent/mortgages that I have to worry about. I will have at least £100 in Council Tax to pay every month. I might get a discount since I'm a student, but probably not much. Then I still have bills - electricity, gas, phone, internet etc... Plus having a social life, paying off previous student loan and paying for my new university courses. Even if my boyfriend does give me some help - it's still a lot for me to deal with on a part-time pay cheque on my own. Hmmm...

I will continue looking at my options. I think I might go into town tomorrow and actually go into some estate agents and ask them for advice. After all, they'd know whats available! I will still speak to my boyfriend about maybe getting into his flat. But I fear the idea is not as good as it first seemed.

[Dannyboy1]

You'll find another way. "Leap and the net will appear."

[Lauxa]

First, could you and your mother come to an agreement as to what rules you will live by while you are in the house? You could spell out all these little issues like whether or not you need permission to go out, who chooses your clothes, how much and in what ways you will help with housework, etc. Write it down so either of you can refer to it later since memory is imperfect. If you cannot come to agreement, then you shouldn't move in.

Second, you need to adjust your attitude towards your mother. Remember that reality is a mirror and the people you encounter are reflections of yourself. In what ways are you being controlling, cold, or complaining? Or go from the other angle, what qualities does your mother lack that you could cultivate in yourself (such as nurturing or compassion)? You can't change your mother, but you can change yourself and as you do your own inner work you will see those changes reflected in those around you.

Third, try to use visualization to imagine your mother acting toward you in a very warm and loving way. Whenever you think of her, visualize her as caring and supportive and never ever again complain about her controlling tendencies but if you speak of her only speak with love and compassion. You will get what you focus on and expect, out of life and out of people.

Good luck!

[sixx1984]

Lauxa, thanks for your reply.

In the past, I found myself showing some personality traits similar to my mothers, such as trying to control everything (and everyone) and having moments where I was cold towards my partner for no logical reason. Thankfully I realised this and I knew exactly where I had picked it up from. I work very hard on not being this person anymore. I work hard on being accepting and not judgmental. I really enjoy being compassionate towards everything (I love making other people smile) and letting people be themselves, and I enjoy feeling happy. I work on having these feelings more in my life and applying them in every situation. Albeit, I still have a lot of work to do because I find it very difficult still to apply these good feelings with my mother when she is being difficult.

It's very hard for me to visualise my mother being warm and loving when she is ignoring me, slamming doors, thumping up and down the stairs (which are above my room) and trying to avoid being in the same room as me. The air gets very tense. I try to think - I am the bigger person here and just let her ride out her mood. But in those situations, I find everyone in the house ignores me. There have been times where other members of my family have sided with me and well, the result wasn't pretty for them. So now if my mum ignores me, everyone does. It can get pretty lonely in the house. It's hard to stay positive and think pretty thoughts at those times.

But I like your ideas, and I will try them. I have nothing to lose!

Thank you

[Lauxa]

sixx, if you have not seen it yet, check out my thread on Negative affirmations for an idea on how to keep a positive focus in a negative situation.

Basically, you just use the word "not" in your affirmations to sidestep the ego's resistance. So, if your mother is slamming doors, etc, and you were to tell yourself "my mother is loving" and then visualize her being loving your ego will shut you down and tell you that is ridiculous. But, if you tell yourself "my mother is NOT loving" then you can go off into "because if my mother were loving she would be doing such-and-such" and easily go off into your visualization... or maybe a memory will be triggered about a time when your mother was loving... etc.

[sixx1984]

Originally Posted by Lauxa

sixx, if you have not seen it yet, check out my thread on Negative affirmations for an idea on how to keep a positive focus in a negative situation.

Basically, you just use the word "not" in your affirmations to sidestep the ego's resistance. So, if your mother is slamming doors, etc, and you were to tell yourself "my mother is loving" and then visualize her being loving your ego will shut you down and tell you that is ridiculous. But, if you tell yourself "my mother is NOT loving" then you can go off into "because if my mother were loving she would be doing such-and-such" and easily go off into your visualization... or maybe a memory will be triggered about a time when your mother was loving... etc.

Lauxa, thanks for your reply. I had a look at your thread on negative affirmations. Forgive me if I sound stupid, but I don't think I fully understood what you were talking about. Oh dear, I am very new to personal development and I don't know much about LOA either. I am willing to learn though - hence signing up to this website!

So if I were to say "my mother is not loving" when she is in one of her unnecessary strops with me, and that sends my brain off into thinking about what she would be doing if she were loving, what is that supposed to accomplish? Surely it would just make me really sad and angry because she is not being the kind of mother I wish that she was?

I'm sorry if I've missed the point. Negative affirmation does sound very interesting though, and from the things you mentioned in your thread, it does sound like something which would aid my personal development, if I could properly understand how to use it!

Note: I had a look online for info on using negative affirmations to improve your life, but it came up with nothing. Does anyone know any good websites/books that I could look at?

[TonyToneTone]

Never go back home if you don't have to.