A physical problem that severely gets in the way of relationships

[Sivodna]

I made a post about this in another section, but it's a problem that applies to all of my life and I hope someone here can help it.
The problem is gynocomastia: the development of breast tissue in men.

You might automatically think of a fat couch potato with flabby boobs. Not so.

Gynecomastia (gyno) is glandular fatty tissue under the nipple, creating "puffy nipples". So, you could have 5% bodyfat and still have gyno - some bodybuilders do have this, mainly because steroids can cause it.

This problem holds me back in relationships. I feel extremely self-conscious about taking off my shirt.

In my case, I have a mild enough case (not caused by steroids or anything like that - it's something I've had since puberty), but I desperately want to get rid of it. The only real way to get rid of it is surgery - expensive surgery.

I am willing to depart with the 5 or 6 thousand euro it costs, but I don't know where to go. I don't want a poor job done on it, leaving scars. I live in Ireland, and I went to a private plastic surgery in Dublin but was NOT impressed. They did not have much experience with it, and everything smacked of amatuerism there (including their misspelling of gynocomastia).

I don't want to bore or nauseate people here by pouring my heart out; all I need to say is this: I need to get this sorted (amongst other things that I will post about, I have some physical flaws that kill me inside, but I am emphatically not some super-narcissist or psychologically-abberrant perfectionist).

I think plastic surgeons in England would be better than those in Ireland, so it might be the best place to travel for it. But there's the problem then of booking a consultation: do I travel all the way over just for a consultation?

Also, I cannot bring myself to tell anyone in my family. My father is out of the question, and my mother, God love her, would be unable to keep something like this between us. And I don't want anyone else knowing.

Any advice or suggestions or comments are very welcome, thank you.

[richie111]

dont be so concious about it, Try LOA.

[Holistic Star]

Hi Sivodna,

I hear your pain. It can be very tough when we feel physically flawed and by that assume no one would ever love us because of it.

It is definitely possible that you meet a lovely girl who loves you and isn't the slightest bit put out by your body. However it won't happen while you hold yourself back from meeting people assuming the worst about them.

Have you spoken to your GP? What does he / she say about the condition? Would you be able to get treatment on NHS. (Sorry I don't know if the NHS is applicable in Eire)

Before you decide to have surgery, I would suggest that you might want to have some counselling first to come to terms with your body. That's not to say you wouldn't choose surgery at the end of it, but that you would be choosing the surgery from a position of strength and love for your body, rather than hating it. Speak to your GP about the help you can get. I'm sure there would be support for you.

How old are you btw? Is it something that gets better or worse as you age?

[Sivodna]

Originally Posted by richie111

dont be so concious about it, Try LOA.

What's LOA? There's about a hundred acronyms for that online

Originally Posted by Holistic Star

Hi Sivodna,

I hear your pain. It can be very tough when we feel physically flawed and by that assume no one would ever love us because of it.

It is definitely possible that you meet a lovely girl who loves you and isn't the slightest bit put out by your body. However it won't happen while you hold yourself back from meeting people assuming the worst about them.

Have you spoken to your GP? What does he / she say about the condition? Would you be able to get treatment on NHS. (Sorry I don't know if the NHS is applicable in Eire)

Before you decide to have surgery, I would suggest that you might want to have some counselling first to come to terms with your body. That's not to say you wouldn't choose surgery at the end of it, but that you would be choosing the surgery from a position of strength and love for your body, rather than hating it. Speak to your GP about the help you can get. I'm sure there would be support for you.

How old are you btw? Is it something that gets better or worse as you age?

Thanks for the post, Holistic Star, it's very kind of you. I haven't spoken to my GP, I'm wayyy too embarrassed. I can predict the reaction anyway: don't worry about it, it will improve, you'll be okay.
I just don't think that Ireland is the place to deal with this; I need to go to the UK.

I really don't need councelling - I'm quite strong minded and a naturally private person. But I appreciate the suggestion. I don't hate all of my body, just the glandular lumps under each nipple... I work out a lot, and so this is a blemish on an otherwise good body.

The NHS isn't applicable in Eire. Departing with a large chunk of my bank balance is something I'm willing to do.

I just want it done right, and that's where my fears and questions lie: where do I go?

[Love]

Hmm, I had a physical problem that got in the way of relationships, too. When something is pretty bad and relatively rare (I think this is the key), I don't believe in loving your body/ become stronger mentally sort of thing. And a lot of doctors who are not specialized will not know what to do or they will say something to the akin of forget about it.

Sivodna, I would suggest looking to see if there is an association/support group with men with this problem. If one exists, they can sometimes recommend someone. If there isn't such a person in Ireland, I say hop on the plane and go to England. If you're concerned about flying over for just a consultation, just take Ryan Air or something inexpensive like that.

[LifeFirst]

Originally Posted by richie111

dont be so concious about it, Try LOA.

How does that help his situation?

[duffy123]

Hi Sivodna,
Gynecomastia is not rare at all, hormones just before puberty are the problem. I think most women don't even make a notice of it, unless you there are scars. Nobody is perfect, just accept that.

[JimOfferman]

Hi Sivodna,

Before you get surgery, there is something you absolutely need to do: learn to love yourself exactly as you are (and exactly as you are not) right now. Why? Because if you don't, here is what will happen:

You blame your feelings of insecurity on your man boobs (that's the professional term ), so you have them removed. Then, you find out that you are still insecure, so it must be something else. Maybe your jaw line is too feminine, so let's get that fixed too. Next, your nose is in the wrong shape; then it's your ears... and before you know it, you'll look worse than Michael Jackson! I'm exagerrating a little, of course.

The rub is this: you'll still feel insecure!

That's because your insecurity has ABSOLUTELY nothing to do with how you look, so changing your body won't fix it.

Insecurity is nothing more than the (often unfounded) belief that you are somehow less worthy than everybody else because of flaws you perceive in yourself and not in others. But the others are just as imperfect as you are.

We all have our flaws, defects and shortcomings. Often too many to mention (I'll spare you my list). Nobody is perfect.

Learn to love everything and anything about yourself.

If after all that, you still feel it would be better to have your chest flattened, you can always seek out that surgeon.

[Sivodna]

Originally Posted by JimOfferman

Hi Sivodna,

Before you get surgery, there is something you absolutely need to do: learn to love yourself exactly as you are (and exactly as you are not) right now. Why? Because if you don't, here is what will happen:

You blame your feelings of insecurity on your man boobs (that's the professional term ), so you have them removed. Then, you find out that you are still insecure, so it must be something else. Maybe your jaw line is too feminine, so let's get that fixed too. Next, your nose is in the wrong shape; then it's your ears... and before you know it, you'll look worse than Michael Jackson! I'm exagerrating a little, of course.

The rub is this: you'll still feel insecure!

That's because your insecurity has ABSOLUTELY nothing to do with how you look, so changing your body won't fix it.

Insecurity is nothing more than the (often unfounded) belief that you are somehow less worthy than everybody else because of flaws you perceive in yourself and not in others. But the others are just as imperfect as you are.

We all have our flaws, defects and shortcomings. Often too many to mention (I'll spare you my list). Nobody is perfect.

Learn to love everything and anything about yourself.

If after all that, you still feel it would be better to have your chest flattened, you can always seek out that surgeon.

Thank you for your post, JimOfferman. I think there is a great deal of truth to it: our securities come from inside and need to be dealt with from inside, not based on the outside superficialities.

At the same time, it simply is not true to say that "your insecurity has ABSOLUTELY nothing to do with how you look".

A great deal of my insecurities from how I look! When I meliorate the problem - by, say, wearing certain clothes or when I feel I look better (clear skin, whatever), my confidence shoots up enormously, explosively.

I am mentally balanced and self-aware. This is something I need to get sorted, not psychologically evaded.

[Brutha]

A great deal of my insecurities from how I look! When I meliorate the problem - by, say, wearing certain clothes or when I feel I look better (clear skin, whatever), my confidence shoots up enormously, explosively.

It still mostly in your head.
When you wear certain clothes you give yourself the permission to feel more confident.

You could also decide to give yourself more confidence when you don't wear those clothes. It's your own decision whether you are confident or aren't.

People generally rationalize their choice to feel unconfident with things like their outer appearance.
The problem is that it's a habit to choice to feel unconfident. It's a bit like choosing to smoke.
People might tell themselves that they smoke because it makes themselves more relaxed. In reality they smoke because they have the habit of smoking.

[ssandra]

Just from a woman (girl? Do I still qualify as that when I'm 27? Yeah.. why not!)

From a girls point of view... I have never had any trouble with small (or big) imperfections in a man.

Actually, if he has some, and he comes clean about them (and his insecurity about them) before having sex for the first time, or maybe just after, it makes me feel so much better about myself. Everybody has imperfections, and being able to say to another person that they are great the way they are makes it easier to believe that the reverse is true as well..

That said..

If you are looking for a good hospital why not go to the UK and book several consultations in 1 week so you have several opinions and only one trip to pay for.

As well, when you are researching, always google both the clinic and the doctors from the clinic just to see there is nothing fishy about them.

Don't hesitate to ask for a first phone consult where you can ask several questions to "test" their knowledge before going in person. If they do not want to do that, i'm not sure I would trust them.

Good luck!