A conscious approach to an engagement ring

[dominick]

Hey all. Likely will be proposing to my girlfriend in the next 30-60 days. Excited to do this but also want to approach all aspects of my life consciously. When it comes to buying an engagement I have a couple of issues with business "as usual".

First, I have a big issue with the diamond trade in that it seems to support political instability, exploits slave labor, etc. I know you can purchase "conflict-free" diamonds these days which is a great step but I want to be very sensitive to this because this is something that my fiancee/wife is going to wear every day for the rest of her life and I want the energy and symbolism to be positive.

Second, I also find it odd that in our society, women are judged so much based on the size and quality of the ring. The fact that any woman would ever feel inferior or superior to my significant other because of the rock on her finger seems so bizarre. Yet it's reality. I can't change that and yet I also don't want to help promote something I feel doesn't serve us as a human race. Not sure what the answer is but wanted to throw that out...

Would love to hear thoughts from any of you who've faced the same dilemma that I have.

[Angela]

If I were you, I would propose without a ring, and have your invitation to marry you be all about the words and the sentiment. Then talk to her about what kind of ring she'd like to wear -- she might not be interested in wearing a diamond, or even a ring! at all. Maybe you two can design a very meaningful piece together.

That whole size/clarity thing is a throwback to the ancient days when people still bought into the scam/sham that is the bridal industry. And please don't buy into the other incredible bs that you must spend thousands of dollars on a wedding, and start your marriage off by going into debt!

[Dan.Linehan]

I'd pick something from here personally.

[Angela]

Ewww, yuck, Dan! I hate cubic zirconia jewelry, and most women I know do, too. Better to have a different stone or no stone at all than a "fake" diamond. Blechh. It's designed to look like a diamond, but it's clearly a fake -- not a great symbol for a marriage.

[Erin Pavlina]

I don't have any women in my circle of friends who would care what size, cut, color or quality my diamond was. If I had friends like that, they wouldn't be friends. Does your soon to be fiance have women in her life who would judge her by the quality of her ring?

I like the idea of proposing without a ring and then asking her what she wants. I went ring shopping with Steve after he asked me. We decided not to get an engagement ring at all and just get one ring that would serve as my wedding ring. I don't really like the whole solitaire on a small band thing and I also don't like the whole welding the band to the engagement ring thing. So we just got one ring (to rule them all... sorry couldn't resist).

My wedding ring was, unfortunately, stolen, so today I wear my grandmother's wedding ring that I inherited. It's so beautiful, I am just in love with it. It's antique.

[funchy]

Congratulations to you, dominick!!!


I also like the idea of proposing and then seeing what she would like. Not all women like diamonds. An oversized diamond solitaire is becoming a cliche. And even if she might like diamonds, there are a bazillion cuts, shapes, and settings to choose from.

Be aware there is a massive mark-up on jewelry and diamonds. Then they give you an "appraisal" that says your new diamond ring is more than you paid... I guess to help you stomache the huge expenditure. Fine jewelry is generally not a good investment, either. Don't believe me -- check how many under-$1000 gold engagement rings are up for resale in antique & pawn shops.

Let me tell you a story: My grandmother was a practical lady. When she finally agreed to get married, grandfather asked her what kind of fancy ring she'd like for the engagement. She opted for something minimal and asked the money be used to buy a car. (In the 1930s a car was a big deal) Maybe not "romantic" but her pragmatic approach meant the family never once went in need of anything.

So who knows what your fiancee might like.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by funchy

She opted for something minimal and asked the money be used to buy a car. (In the 1930s a car was a big deal)

Yeah, at this time in history, maybe it would be better to spend the money on a really good tent, a VW van, or a matching pair of napsacks!

[jfrancis]

I never had a 'rock' on my finger, but that was my choice, I'm just not into it. I didn't see the purpose of having two rings, let alone something sooo expensive as a diamond that I might just loose, or poke someone's eye out with. If she really wants a rock, though, there are three other precious stones out there. I don't know about the political issues surrounding sapphires, rubies, or emeralds - but any one of them would be beautiful and UNIQUE! Good luck!

[Holistic Star]

My engagement ring is an antique from around 1910. I wasn't planning on getting an antique ring. We went ring shopping in Hatton Garden in London which is full of diamond shops and it was completely overwhelming and I found it quite stressful.

We then spotted a vintage jewellery shop which had lots of unusual pieces in it. My h picked out two chunky rings from the window and I picked a smaller one. I tried the smaller one on first and loved it straightaway. And that was it! Job done in about 5 minutes! I've never chosen anything as quickly in my life. The two my husband picked out would have been way too big for me, so I'm glad I got to choose.

however I'm not sure about the ethics of my ring. There's no history available about the rings origins. However it does mean that no new diamonds were mined to make it. Is that good or not?

[dominick]

Thanks for all the advice everyone!

We actually have talked about it a fair amount. She understands the issues that I have and agrees with them. At the same time she's also a pretty traditional woman (she's from the South, what can I say?) for whom the idea of being proposed to with a diamond ring is something that she's looked forward to since being a little girl.

I'm sure we could go off on a long thread here about the social conditioning involved with that and the billions that the diamond industry has spent over the years to convince us that we need to buy their products, etc. I get all that so am basically trying to figure out what's most important here. On one hand, I want to make the girl I love as happy as possible. On the other hand, I don't want to anything that conflicts with my core values and certainly don't want her wearing something for the rest of her life that carries the energy of exploitation.

There are an increasing array of "socially conscious" options here and I'm thankful for that. And by consuming consciously I help to keep those options alive and growing. But I still think I'm conflicted by the whole notion of what an engagement ring is and what it means and want to separate out what's real (my love for and commitment to her) from what's false (consumerism/materialism, social conditioning, etc).

[appifanie]

my friend has a gorgeous ring that is a lab grown diamond - not CZ at all - i'm waiting for her to message me back where she got it from.

eta: betterthandiamond.com

or i think the antique idea is a good approach too. reused, but classy reused, not "my woman left me, anyone want this dang thing?" used

[VelociRaptor]

When I proposed to my ex-wife I created a fancy voucher that entitled here to one engagement ring. It was put into a fancy envelope and held by a teddy bear in a flower basket.

It is easy to put some thought into ways of proposing without the ring, then go and choose one together (if having a ring is what your partner wants)

[sixx1984]

In my circumstances, myself and my partner have spoken a lot about getting married. We've been together for a long time and I feel it's time we took the next step. He completely agrees and told me that he has, for a long time wanted to propose but he never has because he can't afford the ring! He thinks that he needs to spend 2-3 months salary on it. That would be £3000+ for him. Crazy!

Every woman wants to be spoiled, but you can spoil a woman and not spend a penny. It's always the little things that count, especially original little things!

I have said to my partner many times that I would not mind if he bought me something cheaper (say £500 instead of £3000! - but if he bought me a CZ ring I would dump him because that's just a little too cheap! lol!), because to me it is more important to be married to the man I love instead of having an expensive ring that I would probably be too scared to wear. He doesn't listen to me though. Maybe he feels he has something to prove - but instead he is neglecting what I really feel. I think the money would be better spent on the actual wedding since they can be quite pricy.

None of my friends would care in the slightest if I had an expensive ring. Nor would they care if there were diamonds or not.

I just wish I could make my partner wake up and realise whats more important.

dominick, at the end of the day the ring is just a material object that realistically holds no meaning. What's important is how you feel about each other and that you want to always be together.

[dominick]

Thanks again for all the great advice all. I did some research today and I found two companies that seem very aligned with my values here: GreenKarat and BrilliantEarth. While I'm trending more away from consumerism these days I don't mind spending money when I can support companies that give people more earth- and society-friendly options. I just would never want to support slave labor, torture, the financing of wars, etc. with a purchase as sacred as this.

I'm going to keep looking and see what I can find. I may even take up the advice of not buying a ring at the time of the proposal and instead going together to buy one. It might not be quite the "fairy tale" that you see in the movies but it's important to me that what I do here is both something consistent with my values and also something that makes her happy.

[Angela]

Is there something touching and funny and romantic you could use in place of the ring at the time of the proposal? A shoelace from the running shoe she wore when you first met her, tied around her finger? The ribbon from the first gift she gave you? A key ring from the hardware store, with special symbolic charms dangling from it? One of those plastic light-up rings, because she lights up your life?

[Plato]

Get her a pair of socks. Once she puts her feet into the snug, ecstacy that is new socks she will love you more than sliced bread itself.

[dominick]

@Plato: Socks...love it!

@Angela: Can't think of anything off the top of my head but maybe I will. To be honest, I'm not sure it will bother her not to be getting a ring as long as she knows that she'll be getting one before we're married.

[Doku]

My engagement ring cost me 45 bucks. It went over better with her and her friends/family than a diamond would have ever been.

Her favorite color is purple, and most of her clothes/purse/notebooks/pens/... are shared of purple. She is very proud of her Irish heritage.

I bought her a silver claddagh ring that had an amethyst heart. It showed that I was paying attention to the things in her life, vs. just going through the motions. That I was doing what was right for us, instead of what society expected as tradition.

We also had more of a celtic handfasting than a "real wedding" as well. People still talk about it 9 years later, and the hall / photographer / officiant all use our wedding pictures / story as an example of what they can do. (and the wedding was done on the cheap as well)

[Eisho]

Originally Posted by Angela

If I were you, I would propose without a ring, and have your invitation to marry you be all about the words and the sentiment. Then talk to her about what kind of ring she'd like to wear -- she might not be interested in wearing a diamond, or even a ring! at all. Maybe you two can design a very meaningful piece together.

That whole size/clarity thing is a throwback to the ancient days when people still bought into the scam/sham that is the bridal industry. And please don't buy into the other incredible bs that you must spend thousands of dollars on a wedding, and start your marriage off by going into debt!

I agree with this advice. My wife shopped with me for her ring and I bought her the one she wanted. The whole wedding process is far more about her than it is about you so let her enjoy her journey.

Cheers,

Eisho

[pterodactyl]

Propose with a simple gold band, and then upgrade her later to a recycled, conflict-free gem from a conscious, reputable jeweler, if she wants that. Talk to her after the proposal to see how she feels.

My husband proposed to me with a gold band, which I loved, and still do wear. I'd made it clear well in advance of his proposal how I felt about 'blood diamonds' or 'blood sapphires.' Our wedding bands were also simple and made of conflict-free materials. I agree that the whole 'diamond as reflection of penis size' is ridiculous. You can buy crappy, big-carat settings at Costco and Fred Meyer. It's no true reflection of wealth, status or degree to which you're 'loved'.

It's tough to track down where a gem was obtained unless it's synthetic. Go with the basic gold first! Good luck.

[Dan.Linehan]

Sounds beautiful Doku.