My guy friend

[Lauxa]

I have a guy friend that always wants to tell me about his sexual experiences and seems to be digging for mine. It makes me really uncomfortable. He also wants to be sort of touchy feely, wanting to trade hugs and back rubs and things. He's also been collecting porn pictures and always wants to talk to me about them and wants me to give him kudos on his collection. I am not attracted to him, but he is obviously attracted to me and often boosts my ego by complimenting my looks and smarts, etc. Also he's often needy and if I don't give him the attention and kudos and shoot down uncomfortable conversations then he gets all grumpy.

I'm a little confused on how to play this, and I'd like to hear some outside observations and impressions.

[silicon toad2000]

be blunt and talk to him about it. If he hasn't picked up the subtle hints yet, subtlety is not going to work.
You can either not talk to him and continue the uncomfortable friendship, or you can talk to him and two things can happen, either he takes it well and you go on to have a great friendship or he takes it badly and the friendship is over.

[mej023]

Just let him know that you are not gay (not that there is anything wrong with it) and that he is making you uncomfortable.

[m18pak]

Originally Posted by mej023

Just let him know that you are not gay (not that there is anything wrong with it) and that he is making you uncomfortable.

Is Lauxa a guy? I thought she was a girl.

[VelociRaptor]

Yeah just let him know that it makes you uncomfortable talking about all that stuff. Just be honest and straight to the point, sometimes us guys need to be told in simple terms.

[Liveformx64]

From what you wrote. It sounds to me like a symbiotic unhealthy relationship.

Ones like these should be left in the dust. Get out.

Ohh the energy I have toiled on worthless selfish relationships. Get out...

Hey I will say it again... Get out ; )

[Rose of Cairo]

Hey Lauxa,

If this guy is needy and obviously attracted to you, then he's not a friend. He's probably a "nice guy" trying in this creepy way to get into your pants. Or at least to get what he can get: your attention. This is no friendship.

My advice: exit.

All the best to you

[Lauxa]

Thanks for the advice everyone. Rose, I think you have hit the nail on the head about what makes me so uncomfortable. Although I think he is needy with everyone, not just me.

My first fear is that I don't have many friends and am especially not good at cultivating long-term friendships, but this is someone I have known for 7 years now. I always thought he was a little creepy, but he's also pretty intelligent and interesting. And he's really been there for me and my family to drive us to the airport or lend a hand when things are going badly. He's also done some handyman work for us, on and off, since he's often unemployed. I really do enjoy his company sometimes, but other times (like when he wants to discuss his porn collection with me... and yes I have told him it makes me uncomfortable... many many times) he drives me bonkers. So I don't want to lose him as a resource, but maybe I have to let go of one friendship in order to let in something better and more healthy.

My second fear is that he will take it really hard if I try to break ties and he also has a bit of a vindictive streak and I'm afraid he might retaliate.

Maybe I can just put some distance in the relationship for a while instead of trying to sever completely. Maybe this is an opportunity to learn some strategies for gracefully changing the subject when he brings up things I don't want to talk about. Maybe I need to figure out what qualities in me he is mirroring back to me so I can change them and stop attracting them.

Yesterday I was in the lurch because my sitter bailed (I had to go into work for a meeting... but DH was telecommuting from home and could have conceivably covered it) and he took the kids on an outing for about 4 hours. But then he had to hang around for 3 hours and talk (with both of us) about his porn collection. After he left, we were left looking at each other like "was that worth it?"

[Chris Cade]

Originally Posted by Lauxa

After he left, we were left looking at each other like "was that worth it?"

If you're asking that question at all, the answer is probably in your gut / intuition just waiting to jump out at you.

[Hot Alpha Female]

Hey Lauxa

I would say two things. Trust your intution and know your outcome.

So where do you want this relaitonship to go? Do you want to be friends? Do you consider him to be a good friend?

If not, then why are you hanging around him? Coz he gives you the occasional compliment? But is that compliment worth all the crap you have to put up with ... in terms of porn or whatever other weird things he engages in? I'm guessing not.

Also in terms of intuition. Do you feel around this guy good or bad? Exctied or bored? Comfortable or uncomfortable. You would be surprised how many of the right answers you know, if you trust and listen to yourself =)

[Lauxa]

Hot Alpha Female ~~ I love your handle!

I made a list of the things I like about him:
- conversations are thought-provoking
- he keeps up with local news and often knows the "back story" on current events
- he keeps up with local weather forecast
- he is a good mechanic and handyman
- he knows how to navigate local government
- he is entrepreneurial
- being able to help someone who has been having a hard time financially
- he has a good sense of style and fashion
- he notices when I look nice or make home improvements
- he is fun to shop with for big ticket items such as furniture
- he invites me to social events
- he challenges me

Then there are the not-so-good items, which I am putting in the negative to continue with my negative affirmations experiment:
- he doesn't have much tact
- he doesn't respect my conversational boundaries
- he doesn't get to the point quickly
- he's not financially stable
- he's not confident
- he's not usually positive
- he doesn't exit appropriately
- he doesn't allow me to pay attention to my kids

So where do I want to go with this? Well, ideally I would like to be able to enjoy all his good qualities in a mutually beneficial relationship while diminishing/transforming/setting boundaries around all his qualities I don't appreciate. Is that too much to ask?

Come to think of it, that's what I'd like to do in ALL my relationships...

[Hot Alpha Female]

hmmm well he has some great qualities too.

So I guess what you need to define is ... if any of his bad qualties are deal breakers for you.

Because no matter how many great qualities he may have, if there is a deal breaker then there is not point in continuing a relationship with him.

This is what I would do.

You can cont to hang out with him if you want to.

But apart from that go out and enjoy your life. Go out with your girlfriends and DONT hold out with him.

If another cute guy asks you out .. then go on date with him and have a great time.

Look at it from this perspective.

If you absolutely knew that the guy that was perfect .. FOR YOU .... was out there and looking for you.

Would you settle for this guy?

Now im not saying that you have to look for Mr right. But I am saying that you don't have to settle for MR RIGHT NOW.

You deserve more than that.

Personally from how you desrcibed him in the first post. I would have cut and run a long time ago.

You can do better =)

[Lauxa]

I guess you missed the part where I am married to a wonderful man with 2 kids.

This guy really is just a friend.

Thank you for asking the question or where do I want this relationship to go. It really helped me gain some clarity and I have been managing the relationship better over the last few days.

[funchy]

If you're married, why are you hanging out with a guy friend who is showing you his porn collection and being extra touchy-feely? Is your husband ok with this? If nothing else, most husbands probably aren't ok with this type of situation, and for the husband's sake you may need to set boundaries.

If this friend can't respect the boundaries, he's not a friend you can keep.

This isn't quote the question you asked, but can you tell me about your marriage. Is your husband meeting all your needs? Do you feel like something is lacking? Sometimes when husband is around do you still feel alone?

[Elenny]

My sister had a friend in college who was very afeminate. For the longest time we all thought he was gay, but the topic never came up in conversation, and my sister never felt comfortable asking him directly.

After a couple of years of friendship they went on a road trip and I guess to save money ended up sharing a bed at a hotel. According to my sister she didn't think it twice, since by that time she was certain he was gay, but that night he essentially tried to force himself on her while she was sleeping.

He blamed it on a couple of beers he had before they went to bed, and spent the rest of the night on the floor, but the friendship ended that night.

Long story short, set some serious boundaries and follow your intuition.

Also, I think Funchy made some great points about where your husband stands in all of this.

If guess if ALL THREE OF YOU (your husband included) are good friends, some topics are okay when all three of you are present, but if he's asking you for backrubs when your husband is not around...that is definitely a red flag.

[Lauxa]

I have been re-reading this thread over and over. I think I never even saw funchy and Elenny's advice the first time through.

He was so good for so long. I started to drop my guard. I began to be able to let myself give him some of the physical affection he needs so much, nothing big, a hug or a neck rub. We are talking on the phone every day, I am trying to encourage and cajole him along to improve his life, with little success, but he seems to appreciate the effort. And then...

Four weeks ago he makes a comment about how we have never been through the showers together. More than a comment. A whole descriptive scene where we are soaping up each other's backs and then he gives me a foot massage afterwards.

It hits hard. I feel so angry. I feel like I let myself be vulnerable to this and then he violated my trust. All my walls come back up. I try to wall off the problem parts of the relationship and manage the constructive parts, but he gets his feelings hurt and sulks off and doesn't talk to me for 3 weeks.

It takes that long before he sends me a half-civil email. When he does, I swing by, ask if he'd like to join me grocery shopping so we can talk. Most of the conversation is about him and his problems. There is no physical contact, I won't step foot in his house. At the very end, as he is about to leave, I tell him what triggered my withdraw. I get emotional, shaking, adrenaline rush. He says the comment wasn't even directed at me but was just because I had been talking to him about a single friend of mine. I ask him to please take his bags and go.

He sends me 3 emails that day, and has called me every day since. We talk about business, safe topics, professional stuff. He does some yard work for me to pay me back for the groceries I bought him and I go to a coffee shop so I won't have to be alone with him all day. I tell him that maybe Monday we can have The Conversation.

I don't know what to say. For a long time he was my crutch when I just needed to get my mind off my own troubles, but I have improved so much in the last couple of years and I realize I don't need that distraction any more. I can access happiness whenever I choose to now, and that is almost all the time. I can't go back to a relationship that is 90% about him and his problems; I won't let my guard down again when I now know how thoroughly incapable he is of respecting boundaries. When I think of him my mind is in turmoil. I thought I had moved through that, but contacting him again stirred everything back up.

In some ways, I LIKE getting my buttons pushed. It shows me where they are, what I need to work on. But this whole experience has been quite unpleasant. He never apologized, seems to think that it was all just a "misunderstanding".

I keep setting the intention of a good resolution for all of us: him, myself, and my husband. I know that this relationship must take a much diminished role in my life, if I can maintain it at all. Please send me some good thoughts, and if you have any advice on having The Conversation I am all ears.

[Lauxa]

Originally Posted by funchy

Is your husband ok with this? If nothing else, most husbands probably aren't ok with this type of situation, and for the husband's sake you may need to set boundaries.

As for this, my husband trusts me but says he doesn't want to hear about it!

[akoma]

Originally Posted by Lauxa

Thanks for the advice everyone. Rose, I think you have hit the nail on the head about what makes me so uncomfortable. Although I think he is needy with everyone, not just me.

1. My first fear is that I don't have many friends and am especially not good at cultivating long-term friendships, but this is someone I have known for 7 years now. I always thought he was a little creepy, but he's also pretty intelligent and interesting. And 2.he's really been there for me and my family to drive us to the airport or lend a hand when things are going badly. 3 He's also done some handyman work for us, on and off, since he's often unemployed. I really do enjoy his company sometimes, but other times (like when he wants to discuss his porn collection with me... and yes I have told him it makes me uncomfortable... many many times) he drives me bonkers. So I don't want to lose him as a resource, but maybe I have to let go of one friendship in order to let in something better and more healthy.

My second fear is that he will take it really hard if I try to break ties and he also has a bit of a vindictive streak and I'm afraid he might retaliate.

Maybe I can just put some distance in the relationship for a while instead of trying to sever completely. Maybe this is an opportunity to learn some strategies for gracefully changing the subject when he brings up things I don't want to talk about. Maybe I need to figure out what qualities in me he is mirroring back to me so I can change them and stop attracting them.

Yesterday I was in the lurch because my sitter bailed (I had to go into work for a meeting... but DH was telecommuting from home and could have conceivably covered it) and 4.he took the kids on an outing for about 4 hours. But then he had to hang around for 3 hours and talk (with both of us) about his porn collection. After he left, we were left looking at each other like "was that worth it?"

Wow... sounds like you need this guy more that he needs you.

[secondevolution]

Hey Lauxa, I read through this topic and found it to be really misleading. You say you're happily married, and yet you're discussing this guy like a potential suitor instead of an ordinary friend. E.g. What does his financial standing have to do with your friendship? It sounds to me like you're objectifying him, instead of considering him as a human being. If he was a true friend to you, would you really be posting this topic in the first place?

[Lauxa]

His financial situation impacts me because he is always asking for money. In the last 3-4 years husband and I have "loaned" him several thousand dollars. Right before the falling out I gave him $200 for some yard work (I created a project as an excuse to give him money because he needed it so badly). Because his feelings got hurt, he didn't fulfill that obligation. Yesterday he asked me for $30 for food for his cats and himself. I thought about it and told him I don't feel good about giving him money right now, but I didn't really feel good about NOT giving money either...

Anyways, I have been having inner turmoil since I last saw him. My mind kept running down paths of anxiety, anger, and even vengeance, seemingly without my will or ability to control it. Last night, I put out a call for help to the higher plane. I kept repeating this request, "Higher self, guides, and angels, whoever can help me with this problem, please come to me now."

After a while, someone appeared. A beautiful blond woman. She was so lovely and radiated peace and love. I know a blond named Anna, so I asked if I could call her Anna. She said no, but I could call her Anabella.

In her presence, I saw a long black cord connecting me to him. It looked like an umbilical cord. I cut it. I instantly felt better, like his power over me had been severed. Then together Anabella and I sent him love and white light. She embraced me and I felt healed and at peace.

I am feeling much more peaceful about this situation now. Just wanted to share my experience.